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Annual Dinner, The Gridiron Club, Washington, DC, March 9, 1968
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Annual Dinner, The Gridiron Club, Washington, DC, March 9, 1968
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The original documents are located in Box D24, folder "Annual Dinner, The Gridiron
Club, Washington, DC, March 9, 1968" of the Ford Congressional Papers: Press Secretary
and Speech File at the Gerald R. Ford Presidential Library.
Copyright Notice
The copyright law of the United States (Title 17, United States Code) governs the making of
photocopies or other reproductions of copyrighted material. The Council donated to the United
States of America his copyrights in all of his unpublished writings in National Archives collections.
Works prepared by U.S. Government employees as part of their official duties are in the public
domain. The copyrights to materials written by other individuals or organizations are presumed to
remain with them. If you think any of the information displayed in the PDF is subject to a valid
copyright claim, please contact the Gerald R. Ford Presidential Library.
M Office Copy
OFF-THE-RECORD REMARKS
OF REP. GERALD R. FORD (R-MICH.)
MINORITY LEADER OF THE U.S. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES
AT THE ANNUAL DINNER OF
THE GRIDIRON CLUB OF WASHINGTON D.C.
MARCH 9, 1968
Mr. Vice-President, Mr. President Finney,
Gentlemen of the Gridiron, and Deductible Guests. (Laughter)
What the President calls us in public
Wooden Soldiers
is nothing
compared to what he calls us in private. (Laughter)
Let me tell you a little inside story. I've heard that President Johnson
tells his visitors: "There's nothing wrong with Jerry Ford except he played
football too long (Laughter)
without a helmet." (Laughter)
Now I don't mind a little joke. But like so many other things you hear
nowadays, that just isn't true. (Laughter)
And I can prove it. On the Gridiron, I always wear my helmet. (Prolonged
laughter)
This is really my helmet
it used to fit. (Prolonged laughter and
applause)
Well, everything's getting a little tight tonight. (Laughter)
They're really tightening up security down at the White House. The President
isn't leaving any lock unturned. I'm told the CIA, the FBI, and the Secret
Service all are trying to identify a mystery man who really has his fingers in
high places
the President's new hairdresser. (Prolonged laughter)
He goes by a code name
The Lone Arranger. (Prolonged laughter)
Why did I ever tell Nat Finney I wanted to be the next Republican Speaker?
Matching me against Hubert Humphrey for laughs is like putting Twiggy up against
Zsa Zsa Gabor. (Prolonged laughter)
Nat told me how it would go tonight. He said first he'd give a little
talk
and next I'd give a little talk
and then the Vice-President
would follow.
I said: "Who follows the Vice-President?"
He said: "Hardly anybody." (Prolonged laughter and applause)
It's good to see so many great political writers here tonight. More and
more lately, you gentlemen have been the zipper on the Credibility Gap. (Laughter)
Now where else in Washington can you bask in the warm glow of good
fellowship
and see Bill Fulbright toast President Johnson's health in
Charlie DeGaulle's wine? (Prolonged laughter)
(more)
Digitized from Box D24 of The Ford Congressional Papers: Press Secretary and Speech File at the Gerald R. Ford Presidential Library
-2-
It's really tough speaking for the political party that produced one of
the wittiest Presidents of all time
a great Republican who always lightened
his burdens with laughter and humor and jokes
Calvin Coolidge. (Prolonged
laughter)
History tells that Governor Coolidge got to the White House by sticking his
nose into a big city strike. You can see who's been doing his homework lately.
(Prolonged laughter)
You know issues are funny. We had the Missile Gap
the Anti-Missile
Gap
Now
the Garbage Gap. (Laughter)
The only question: which smells worse, the strike or the settlement?
(Laughter)
You know, getting rid of something you once needed, but don't want around
anymore is really a headache
even for Presidents.
As a matter of fact, Presidents are not always considerate of their
Vice-Presidents.
Remember when Nixon returned from South America
stoned? (Prolonged
laughter)
Remember when Johnson had to fly 26,000 miles
for
a
camel?
(Laughter)
Frankly, if I were Vice-President Humphrey, and just got home from a
backbreaking tour of Africa, and the next day my President put a stop to all
foreign travel (Laughter)
Well, I'd lead a pretty good riot myself.
(Prolonged laughter)
But what a full public career Vice-President Humphrey has had
just one
long struggle against McCarthyism. (Prolonged laughter and applause)
He's been birched red by the Old Right
and rapped brown by the New
Left. (Prolonged laughter)
But Hubert always comes up smiling. He's really the Pagliacci of politics.
(Laughter)
Incidentally, I have a neighbor who's a real 100% Democrat
that's
what you get with open housing. (Prolonged laughter)
He claims President Johnson is a teabag candidate
his strength comes
out only when he's in real hot water. (Laughter)
There's only one problem.
Did you ever try using the same teabag for
nine years? (Prolonged laughter)
I know LBJ isn't going to miss a trick. Look how he's going after the
serviceman's vote. You know, one of Bob McNamara's economy moves was doing away
(more)
-3-
with paper towels in all Pentagon washrooms. Now they've installed those little
hand drying machines at every military base. On every machine there's a big
sign: Press this button and you will hear a message from your Commander-in-Chief.
(Prolonged laughter and applause)
All kidding aside, I do hope President Johnson finds time to drop by later.
Nat, has anybody checked to be sure the elevator is working? (Laughter)
I think the former Attorney General is here
at least I saw his
stand-in. Bobby Kennedy had more foresight than most. He's one guy who got
off the river boat so fast he got his money back. (Laughter)
Politically, Bobby's now at the awkward age.
He's too young to be President
and he's really too old for that
haircut. (Prolonged laughter)
I sort of sympathize with the Senator from New York. I know there's one
big dealer here in town who'd like to send this Ford back to Michigan. (Laughter)
But that would be dirty politics at its Nader. (Prolonged laughter)
Right now though, the President better keep his eyes on Gene McCarthy. Gene
talks a lot about principal, but he's a typical Democrat alright. His interest
rate keeps going higher and higher. (Laughter)
Now that George Wallace, there's a horse of a different color.
In your heart, you know he's white. (Prolonged laughter)
If George sneaks off with just a few little ol' electoral votes, we may
have to pick the next President in the House of Representatives.
What a parliamentary foul-up! After the election of 1800, the House went
on and on and on for 36 ballots and they didn't even have H. R. Gross.
(Laughter)
The Democrats, as usual, would be divided between LBJ and George Wallace.
But you know
------
we Republicans are always united. (Laughter)
We'd all rally 'round that great Republican champion: Ronald
Milhous
Percyfeller. (Prolonged laughter)
Our Republican drag race is still exciting, even with our Michigan Rambler
scratched.
There's Nelson Rockefeller. He still won't volunteer
but last week
he installed a hot line to his draft board. (Laughter)
Nelson is the best man to save the American dollar
it's a family
habit. (Laughter) After all, Governor Rockefeller is the only taxpayer who
can balance the Federal budget with his Mad Money. (Laughter)
(more)
-4-
Dick Nixon doesn't have to stay in politics for the money, either. Only
last week the Schick Razor Company offered him Two Million Dollars just to do a
shaving commercial (Laughter) for Gillette. (Prolonged laughter) Dick's
the only candidate who gets Five O'Clock Shadow on the "Today" Show. (Prolonged
laughter)
Oh,
then there's Pistol Packin' Percy. Chuck's the one who went to
Vietnam and nearly shot his own brainwasher. (Prolonged laughter and applause)
And Governor Reagan, he says he isn't running for President either. I
believe him
even if his door chimes do play "Hail To The Chief." (Laughter)
Let's not forget Harold Stassen
wouldn't it be great if we could? (Laughter)
Harold isn't the youngest candidate anymore, but I guess you'd have to say he's
the most WIGerous. (Prolonged laughter)
Of course, you can't blame anyone for trying.
Henry Clay always said he'd rather be right than President.
Now President Johnson has proved once and for all
it really is a
choice. (Prolonged laughter)
You know, I nearly didn't get here on time tonight. When I heard it was
to be a bi-partisan affair, I went straight to the President's Club.
Isn't that where you go to Buy Partisans? (Laughter)
Of course, partisanship has to stop somewhere. The things that unite us as
Americans are far more enduring than the things that divide us
and one of
these is our national sense of humor.
The Gridiron Club nourishes this great tradition. As the campaign gets
hotter, let's all remember to singe but never to burn
that not just the
hippies, but all of us, would lots rather make love than war
that both
Democrats and Republicans are striving together to create a more perfect Union,
with liberty and justice for all.
Our unwritten compact of respect for the convictions of others and faith in
the decency of others, allows Americans the luxury of rugged political competition.
Let's all work to banish war from our shrinking world and hate from our expanding
hearts
to make this whole planet as full of friendship and felicity as this
room tonight.
In this spirit, let me assure the distinguished Vice-President of the United
States, before all of you, that I have absolutely no designs on his job.
(Laughter)
How many others in this room can make that statement? (Prolonged laughter)
(more)
-5-
I'm serious. I'm not at all interested in the Vice-Presidency.
I love the House of Representatives, despite the long, irregular hours.
Sometimes, though, when it's late and I'm tired and hungry on that
long drive home to Alexandria as I go past 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, I
do seem to hear a little voice saying:
"If you lived here, you'd be home now." (Prolonged laughter and applause)
# # #
OFF-THE-RECORD REMARKS
OF REP. GERALD R. FORD (R-MICH.)
MINORITY LEADER OF THE U.S. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES
AT THE ANNUAL DINNER OF
THE GRIDIRON CLUB OF WASHINGTON D.C.
Homeman
MARCH 9, 1968
Mrs
Mr. Vice-President, Mr. President Finney,
Gentlemen of the Gridiron, and Deductible Guests. (Laughter)
What the President calls us in public
Wooden Soldiers
is nothing
compared to what he calls us in private. (Laughter)
Let me tell you a little inside story. I've heard that President Johnson
tells his visitors: "There's nothing wrong with Jerry Ford except he played
football too long (Laughter)
without a helmet." (Laughter)
Now I don't mind a little joke. But like so many other things you hear
nowadays, that just isn't true. (Laughter)
And I can prove it. On the Gridiron, I always wear my helmet. (Prolonged
laughter)
This is really my helmet
-----
it used to fit. (Prolonged laughter and
applause)
Well, everything's getting a little tight tonight. (Laughter)
They're really tightening up security down at the White House. The President
isn't leaving any lock unturned. I'm told the CIA, the FBI, and the Secret
Service all are trying to identify a mystery man who really has his fingers in
high places
-----
the President's new hairdresser. (Prolonged laughter)
He goes by a code name
The Lone Arranger. (Prolonged laughter)
Why did I ever tell Nat Finney I wanted to be the next Republican Speaker?
Matching me against Hubert Humphrey for laughs is like putting Twiggy up against
Zsa Zsa Gabor. (Prolonged laughter)
Nat told me how it would go tonight. He said first he'd give a little
talk
and next I'd give a little talk
and then the Vice-President
would follow.
I said: "Who follows the Vice-President?"
He said: "Hardly anybody." (Prolonged laughter and applause)
It's good to see so many great political writers here tonight. More and
more lately, you gentlemen have been the zipper on the Credibility Gap. (Laughter)
Now where else in Washington can you bask in the warm glow of good
fellowship
and see Bill Fulbright toast President Johnson's health in
Charlie DeGaulle's wine? (Prolonged laughter)
(more) FORD LIBRARY
GE
-2-
It's really tough speaking for the political party that produced one of
the wittiest Presidents of all time
a great Republican who always lightened
his burdens with laughter and humor and jokes
Calvin Coolidge. (Prolonged
laughter)
History tells that Governor Coolidge got to the White House by sticking his
nose into a big city strike. You can see who's been doing his homework lately.
(Prolonged laughter)
You know issues are funny. We had the Missile Gap the
Anti-Missile
Gap
Now
the Garbage Gap. (Laughter)
The only question: which smells worse, the strike or the settlement?
(Laughter)
You know, getting rid of something you once needed, but don't want around
anymore is really a headache
even for Presidents.
As a matter of fact, Presidents are not always considerate of their
Vice-Presidents.
Remember when Nixon returned from South America
stoned? (Prolonged
laughter)
Remember when Johnson had to fly 26,000 miles
for a camel? (Laughter)
Frankly, if I were Vice-President Humphrey, and just got home from a
backbreaking tour of Africa, and the next day my President put a stop to all
foreign travel (Laughter)
Well, I'd lead a pretty good riot myself.
(Prolonged laughter)
But what a full public career Vice-President Humphrey has had
just one
long struggle against McCarthyism. (Prolonged laughter and applause)
He's been birched red by the Old Right
and rapped brown by the New
Left. (Prolonged laughter)
But Hubert always comes up smiling. He's really the Pagliacci of politics.
(Laughter)
Incidentally, I have a neighbor who's a real 100% Democrat
that's
what you get with open housing. (Prolonged laughter)
He claims President Johnson is a teabag candidate
his strength comes
out only when he's in real hot water. (Laughter)
There's only one problem.
Did you ever try using the same teabag for
nine years? (Prolonged laughter)
I know LBJ isn't going to miss a trick. Look how he's going after the
serviceman's vote. You know, one of Bob McNamara's economy moves was doing away
(more)
-3-
with paper towels in all Pentagon washrooms. Now they've installed those little
hand drying machines at every military base. On every machine there's a big
sign: Press this button and you will hear a message from your Commander-in-Chief.
(Prolonged laughter and applause)
All kidding aside, I do hope President Johnson finds time to drop by later.
Nat, has anybody checked to be sure the elevator is working? (Laughter)
I think the former Attorney General is here
at least I saw his
stand-in. Bobby Kennedy had more foresight than most. He's one guy who got
off the river boat so fast he got his money back. (Laughter)
Politically, Bobby's now at the awkward age.
He's too young to be President
and he's really too old for that
haircut. (Prolonged laughter)
Haysteah in heat
I sort of sympathize with the Senator from New York. I know there's one
big dealer here in town who'd like to send this Ford back to Michigan. (Laughter)
But that would be dirty politics at its Nader. (Prolonged laughter)
Right now though, the President better keep his eyes on Gene McCarthy. Gene
talks a lot about principal, but he's a typical Democrat alright. His interest
rate keeps going higher and higher. (Laughter)
Now that George Wallace, there's a horse of a different color.
In your heart, you know he's white. (Prolonged laughter)
If George sneaks off with just a few little ol' electoral votes, we may
have to pick the next President in the House of Representatives.
What a parliamentary foul-up! After the election of 1800, the House went
on and on and on for 36 ballots
and they didn't even
(Laughter)
Bolly have H. Ane R. Gross me Earthy
The Democrats, as usual, would be divided between LBJ and/George Wallace.
But you know we Republicans are always united. (Laughter)
We'd all rally 'round that great Republican champion: Ronald
Milhous
Percyfeller. (Prolonged laughter)
Our Republican drag race is still exciting, even with our Michigan Rambler
scratched.
There's Nelson Rockefeller. He still won't volunteer
but last week
he installed a hot line to his draft board. (Laughter)
Nelson is the best man to save the American dollar
it's a family
habit. (Laughter) After all, Governor Rockefeller is the only taxpayer who
can balance the Federal budget with his Mad Money. (Laughter)
(more) FORD LIBRARY
-4-
Dick Nixon doesn't have to stay in politics for the money, either. Only
last week the Schick Razor Company offered him Two Million Dollars just to do a
shaving commercial (Laughter) for Gillette. (Prolonged laughter) Dick's
the only candidate who gets Five O'Clock Shadow on the "Today" Show. (Prolonged
laughter)
Oh,
then there's Pistol Packin' Percy. Chuck's the one who went to
Vietnam and nearly shot his own brainwasher. (Prolonged laughter and applause)
And Governor Reagan, he says he isn't running for President either. I
believe him
even if his door chimes do play "Hail To The Chief." (Laughter)
Let's not forget Harold Stassen wouldn't it be great if we could? (Laughter)
Harold isn't the youngest candidate anymore, but I guess you'd have to say he's
the most WIGerous. (Prolonged laughter)
Of course, you can't blame anyone for trying.
Henry Clay always said he'd rather be right than President.
Now President Johnson has proved once and for all it really is a
choice. (Prolonged laughter)
You know, I nearly didn't get here on time tonight. When I heard it was
to be a bi-partisan affair, I went straight to the President's Club.
Isn't that where you go to Buy Partisans? (Laughter)
Of course, partisanship has to stop somewhere. The things that unite us as
Americans are far more enduring than the things that divide us
and one of
these is our national sense of humor.
The Gridiron Club nourishes this great tradition.
As the campaign gets
hotter, let's all remember to singe but never to burn
that not just the
hippies, but all of us, would lots rather make love than war
that both
Democrats and Republicans are striving together to create a more perfect Union,
with liberty and justice for all.
Our unwritten compact of respect for the convictions of others and faith in
the decency of others, allows Americans the luxury of rugged political competition.
Let's all work to banish war from our shrinking world and hate from our expanding
hearts
to make this whole planet as full of friendship and felicity as this
room tonight.
In this spirit, let me assure the distinguished Vice-President of the United
States, before all of you, that I have absolutely no designs on his job.
(Laughter)
How many others in this room can make that statement? (Prolonged laughter)
(more)
-5-
I'm serious. I'm not at all interested in the Vice-Presidency.
I love the House of Representatives, despite the long, irregular hours.
Sometimes, though, when it's late and I'm tired and hungry
on that
long drive home to Alexandria
as I go past 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, I
do seem to hear a little voice saying:
"If you lived here, you'd be home now." (Prolonged laughter and applause)
###
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OFF-THE-RECORD REMARKS
OF REP. GERALD R. FORD (R-MICH.)
MINORITY LEADER OF THE U.S. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES
AT THE ANNUAL DINNER OF
THE GRIDIRON CLUB OF WASHINGTON D.C.
MARCH 9, 1968
Mr. Vice-President, Mr. President Finney,
Gentlemen of the Gridiron, and Deductible Guests. (Laughter)
What the President calls us in public
-----
Wooden Soldiers
-----
is nothing
compared to what he calls us in private. (Laughter)
Let me tell you a little inside story. I've heard that President Johnson
tells his visitors: "There's nothing wrong with Jerry Ford except he played
football too long (Laughter) ----- without a helmet." (Laughter)
Now I don't mind a little joke. But like so many other things you hear
nowadays, that just isn't true. (Laughter)
And I can prove it. On the Gridiron, always wear my helmet. (Prolonged
laughter)
This is really my helmet ----- it used to fit. (Prolonged laughter and
applause)
Well, everything's getting a little tight tonight. (Laughter)
They're really tightening up security down at the White House. The President
isn't leaving any lock unturned. I'm told the CIA, the FBI, and the Secret
Service all are trying to identify a mystery man who really has his fingers in
high places
-----
the President's new hairdresser. (Prolonged laughter)
He goes by a code name
The Lone Arranger. (Prolonged laughter)
Why did I ever tell Nat Finney I wanted to be the next Republican Speaker?
Matching me against Hubert Humphrey for laughs is like putting Twiggy up against
Zsa Zsa Gabor. (Prolonged laughter)
Nat told me how it would go tonight. He said first he'd give a little
talk
and next I'd give a little talk
-----
and then the Vice-President
would follow.
I said: "Who follows the Vice-President?"
He said: "Hardly anybody." (Prolonged laughter and applause)
It's good to see so many great political writers here tonight. More and
more lately, you gentlemen have been the zipper on the Credibility Gap. (Laughter)
Now where else in Washington can you bask in the warm glow of good
fellowship
-----
and see Bill Fulbright toast President Johnson's health in
Charlie DeGaulle's wine? (Prolonged laughter)
(more)
GERATO FORD LIBRARY
-2-
It's really tough speaking for the political party that produced one of
the wittiest Presidents of all time
-----
a great Republican who always lightened
his burdens with laughter and humor and jokes
Calvin Coolidge. (Prolonged
laughter)
History tells that Governor Coolidge got to the White House by sticking his
nose into a big city strike. You can see who's been doing his homework lately.
(Prolonged laughter)
You know issues are funny. We had the Missile Gap the Anti-Missile
Gap
Now
-----
the Garbage Gap. (Laughter)
The only question: which smells worse, the strike or the settlement?
(Laughter)
You know, getting rid of something you once needed, but don't want around
anymore is really a headache ----- even for Presidents.
As a matter of fact, Presidents are not always considerate of their
Vice-Presidents.
Remember when Nixon returned from South America
-----
stoned? (Prolonged
laughter)
Remember when Johnson had to fly 26,000 miles for a camel? (Laughter)
Frankly, if I were Vice-President Humphrey, and just got home from a
backbreaking tour of Africa, and the next day my President put a stop to all
foreign travel (Laughter)
-----
Well, I'd lead a pretty good riot myself.
(Prolonged laughter)
But what a full public career Vice-President Humphrey has had ----- just one
long struggle against McCarthyism. (Prolonged laughter and applause)
He's been birched red by the Old Right
and rapped brown by the New
Left. (Prolonged laughter)
But Hubert always comes up smiling. He's really the Pagliacci of politics.
(Laughter)
Incidentally, I have a neighbor who's a real 100% Democrat
that's
what you get with open housing. (Prolonged laughter)
He claims President Johnson is a teabag candidate
-----
his strength comes
out only when he's in real hot water. (Laughter)
There's only one problem.
-----
Did you ever try using the same teabag for
nine years? (Prolonged laughter)
I know LBJ isn't going to miss a trick. Look how he's going after the
serviceman's vote. You know, one of Bob McNamara's economy moves was doing away
(more)
LIBRAR
of
-3-
with paper towels in all Pentagon washrooms. Now they've installed those little
hand drying machines at every military base. On every machine there's a big
sign: Press this button and you will hear a message from your Commander-in-Chief.
(Prolonged laughter and applause)
All kidding aside, I do hope President Johnson finds time to drop by later.
Nat, has anybody checked to be sure the elevator is working? (Laughter)
I think the former Attorney General is here
-----
at least I saw his
stand-in. Bobby Kennedy had more foresight than most. He's one guy who got
off the river boat so fast he got his money back. (Laughter)
Politically, Bobby's now at the awkward age.
He's too young to be President ----- and he's really too old for that
haircut. (Prolonged laughter)
I sort of sympathize with the Senator from New York. I know there's one
big dealer here in town who'd like to send this Ford back to Michigan. (Laughter)
But that would be dirty politics at its Nader. (Prolonged laughter)
Right now though, the President better keep his eyes on Gene McCarthy. Gene
talks a lot about principal, but he's a typical Democrat alright. His interest
rate keeps going higher and higher. (Laughter)
Now that George Wallace, there's a horse of a different color.
In your heart, you know he's white. (Prolonged laughter)
If George sneaks off with just a few little ol' electoral votes, we may
have to pick the next President in the House of Representatives.
What a parliamentary foul-up! After the election of 1800, the House went
on and on and on for 36 ballots ----- and they didn't even have H. R. Gross.
(Laughter)
The Democrats, as usual, would be divided between LBJ and George Wallace.
But you know ----- we Republicans are always united. (Laughter)
:
We'd all rally 'round that great Republican champion: Ronald
Milhous Percyfeller. (Prolonged laughter)
Our Republican drag race is still exciting, even with our Michigan Rambler
scratched.
There's Nelson Rockefeller. He still won't volunteer
.....
but last week
he installed a hot line to his draft board. (Laughter)
Nelson is the best man to save the American dollar ----- it's a family
habit. (Laughter) After all, Governor Rockefeller is the only taxpayer who
can balance the Federal budget with his Mad Money. (Laughter)
(more)
PERALD FORD UBRARY
-4-
Dick Nixon doesn't have to stay in politics for the money, either. Only
last week the Schick Razor Company offered him Two Million Dollars just to do a
shaving commercial (Laughter) for Gillette. (Prolonged laughter) Dick's
the only candidate who gets Five O'Clock Shadow on the "Today" Show. (Prolonged
laughter)
Oh,
then there's Pistol Packin' Percy. Chuck's the one who went to
Vietnam and nearly shot his own brainwasher. (Prolonged laughter and applause)
And Governor Reagan, he says he isn't running for President either. I
believe him
even if his door chimes do play "Hail To The Chief." (Laughter)
Let's not forget Harold Stassen wouldn't it be great if we could? (Laughter)
Harold isn't the youngest candidate anymore, but I guess you'd have to say he's
the most WIGerous. (Prolonged laughter)
Of course, you can't blame anyone for trying.
Henry Clay always said he'd rather be right than President.
Now President Johnson has proved once and for all
it really is a
choice. (Prolonged laughter)
You know, I nearly didn't get here on time tonight. When I heard it was
to be a bi-partisan affair, I went straight to the President's Club.
Isn't that where you go to Buy Partisans? (Laughter)
:Of course, partisanship has to stop somewhere. The things that unite us as
Americans are far more enduring than the things that divide us
and one of
these is our national sense of humor.
The Gridiron Club nourishes this great tradition As the campaign gets
hotter, let's all remember to singe but never to burn
that not just the
hippies, but all of us, would lots rather make love than war
that both
Democrats and Republicans are striving together to create a more perfect Union,
with liberty and justice for all.
Lets
remember it so only
Our unwritten compact of respect for the convictions of others and faith in
which
the decency of others, allows Americans the luxury of rugged political competition.
1
Let's all work to banish war from our shrinking world and hate from our expanding
hearts
to make this whole planet as full of friendship and felicity as this
room tonight. 2 saith FT blubest
In this spirit, let me assure the distinguished Vice-President of the United
the Garden andund
States, before all of you, that I have absolutely no designs on his job.
(Laughter) on To may of I meant it.
went
How many others in this room can make that statement? (Prolonged laughter
(more)
LIBRARY
-5-
I'm serious. I'm not at all interested in the Vice-Presidency.
I love the House of Representatives, despite the long, irregular hours.
Sometimes, though, when it's late and I'm tired and hungry
on that
the w butt home at
long drive home to Alexandria ----- as I go past 1 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, I
do seem to hear a little voice saying:
"If you lived here, you'd be home now." (Prolonged laughter and applause)
# # #
FORD & LIBRARY DERALD
President Roth, members and guests of the Gridiron, thank you
on behalf of the President of the United States for your traditional
salute.
Many of you have probably been telling your readers how I spent
my first two days as Vice President - presiding over the Senate, calling
upon the President, and trying to pack up my belongings at the office
for a two-way transfer to the Executive Office Building and the other
side of the Capitol.
Actually all that is just a clever cover story my Press Secretary,
Paul Miltich, was instructed to put out. What I have really been doing
ever since the Joint Session adjourned Thursday night is taking phone
calls from ladies of the press demanding that I boycott this male chauvinist
affair.
There were times when I was almost persuaded by these lovely ladies
that the political thing to do would be to cancel. They were very per-
suasive. But then I remembered that Bella Abzug and Elizabeth Holtzman
FORD, i LIBRARY GERALD
-2-
were only able to sway 35 votes and decided to take the courageous course
and come.
This morning I went down to take my first look at the Vice President's
office in the Executive Office Building. It is very handsome and spacious
But I was a little disappointed to find that they had removed all of the
personal reminders of my predecessors: Spiro Agnew's practice tennis court;
Hubert Humphrey's jumbo sized dictating machine; Lyndon Johnson's Neiman
Marcus furniture; Richard Nixon's Anthology of Great Debates; and Harry
Truman's desk plate reading "The buck stops over there."
Nearly six years ago, the last time I had the honor of addressing
this distinguished Club, the Vice President of the United States spoke
for the Democrats and I spoke for the Republicans. I made a lot of fun
of the Vice Presidency on that occasion and I want to say here and now
"Hubert, it was all in fun. I didn't mean a word of it." The distinguished
Senator from Minnesota has been gracious and helpful as always in helping
me both publicly and privately in assuming my new responsibilities and I
am deeply grateful.
-3-
But I can't think of any better way to conclude this gathering
than to repeat my closing words from that 1968 Gridiron dinner. They
certainly show how little any of us know what tomorrow will bring. But
they also express the feelings about our political system which Jerry
Ford held then which the same Jerry Ford holds now. In that speech, I
said:
"The things that unite us as Americans are far more enduring than
the things that divide us -- and one of these is our national sense of
humor. The Gridiron Club nourishes this great tradition. Let's all
remember to singe but never to burn
that all of us would lots rather
make love than war
that both Democrats and Republicans are striving
together to create a more perfect Union, with liberty and justice for all.
"Our unwritten compact of respect for the convictions of others and
faith in the decency of others, allows Americans the luxury of rugged
political competition. Let's all work to banish war from our shrinking
world and hate from our expanding hearts -- to make this whole planet as
full of friendship and felicity as this room tonight.
FORD is LIBRARY GERALD
-4-
"In this spirit, let me assure the distinguished Vice President of
the United States, before all of you, that I have absolutely no designs on
his job.
"How many others in this room can make that statement?
"I'm serious. I'm not at all interested in the Vice Presidency.
"I love the House of Representatives, despite the long, irregular
hours.
"Sometimes, though, when it's late and I'm tired and hungry - on
that long drive home to Alexandria -- as I go past 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue,
I do seem to hear a little voice saying:
"If you lived here, you'd be home now.'"
# # #
OFF-THE-RECORD REMARKS
OF REP. GERALD R. FORD (R-MICH.)
MINORITY LEADER OF THE U.S. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES
AT THE ANNUAL DINNER OF
THE GRIDIRON CLUB OF WASHINGTON D.C.
MARCH 9, 1968
Mr. Vice-President, Mr. President Finney,
Gentlemen of the Gridiron, and Deductible Guests. (Laughter)
What the President calls us in public
Wooden Soldiers
is nothing
compared to what he calls us in private. (Laughter)
Let me tell you a little inside story. I've heard that President Johnson
tells his visitors: "There's nothing wrong with Jerry Ford except he played
football too long (Laughter)
without a helmet. (Laughter)
Now I don't mind a little joke. But like so many other things you hear
nowadays, that just isn't true. (Laughter)
And I can prove it. On the Gridiron, I always wear my helmet. (Prolonged
laughter)
This is really my helmet
-----
it used to fit. (Prolonged laughter and
applause)
Well, everything's getting a little tight tonight. (Laughter)
They're really tightening up security down at the White House. The President
isn't leaving any lock unturned. I'm told the CIA, the FBI, and the Secret
Service all are trying to identify a mystery man who really has his fingers in
high places ----- the President's new hairdresser. (Prolonged laughter)
He goes by a code name The Lone Arranger. (Prolonged laughter)
Why did I ever tell Nat Finney I wanted to be the next Republican Speaker?
Matching me against Hubert Humphrey for laughs is like putting Twiggy up against
Zsa Zsa Gabor. (Prolonged laughter)
Nat told me now it would go tonight. He said first he'd give a little
talk and next I'd give a little talk and then the Vice-President
would follow.
I said: "Who follows the Vice-President?"
He said: 'Hardly anybody. (Prolonged laughter and applause)
It's good to see so many great political writers here tonight. More and
more lately, you gentlemen have been the zipper on the Credibility Gap. (Laughter)
Now where else in Washington can you bask in the warm glow of good
fellowship
----- and see Bill Fulbright toast President Johnson's health in
Charlie DeGaulle's wine? (Prolonged laughter)
(more) R.FORD LIBRARY
-2-
It's really tough speaking for the political party that produced one of
the wittiest Presidents of all time
a great Republican who always lightened
his burdens with laughter and humor and jokes
Calvin Coolidge. (Prolonged
laughter)
History tells that Governor Coolidge got to the White House by sticking his
nose into a big city strike. You can see who's been doing his homework lately.
(Prolonged laughter)
You know issues are funny. We had the Missile Gap
the Anti-Missile
Gap
Now
the Garbage Gap. (Laughter)
The only question: which smells worse, the strike or the settlement?
(Laughter)
You know, getting rid of something you once needed, but don't want around
anymore is really a headache even for Presidents.
As a matter of fact, Presidents are not always considerate of their
Vice-Presidents.
Remember when Nixon returned from South America
stoned? (Prolonged
laughter)
Remember when Johnson had to fly 26,000 miles
for a camel? (Laughter)
Frankly, if I were Vice-President Humphrey, and just got home from a
backbreaking tour of Africa, and the next day my President put a stop to all
foreign travel (Laughter)
Well, I'd lead a pretty good riot myself.
(Prolonged laughter)
But what a full public career Vice-President Humphrey has had
just one
long struggle against McCarthyism. (Prolonged laughter and applause)
He's been birched red by the Old Right
and rapped brown by the New
Left. (Prolonged laughter)
But Hubert always comes up smiling. He's really the Pagliacci of politics.
(Laughter)
Incidentally, I have a neighbor who's a real 100% Democrat
that's
what you get with open housing. (Prolonged laughter)
He claims President Johnson is a teabag candidate
his strength comes
out only when he's in real hot water. (Laughter)
There's only one problem.
Did you ever try using the same teabag for
nine years? (Prolonged laughter)
I know LBJ isn't going to miss a trick. Look how he's going after the
serviceman's vote. You know, one of Bob McNamara's economy moves was doing away
(more)
-3-
with paper towels in all Pentagon washrooms. Now they've installed those little
hand drying machines at every military base. On every machine there's a big
sign: Press this button and you will hear a message from your Commander-in-Chief.
(Prolonged laughter and applause)
All kidding aside, I do hope President Johnson finds time to drop by later.
Nat, has anybody checked to be sure the elevator is working? (Laughter)
I think the former Attorney General is here
at least I saw his
stand-in. Bobby Kennedy had more foresight than most. He's one guy who got
off the river boat so fast he got his money back. (Laughter)
Politically, Bobby's now at the awkward age.
He's too young to be President
and he's really too old for that
haircut. (Prolonged laughter)
I sort of sympathize with the Senator from New York. I know there's one
big dealer here in town who'd like to send this Ford back to Michigan. (Laughter)
But that would be dirty politics at its Nader. (Prolonged laughter)
Right now though, the President better keep his eyes on Gene McCarthy. Gene
talks a lot about principal, but he's a typical Democrat alright. His interest
rate keeps going higher and higher. (Laughter)
Now that George Wallace, there's a horse of a different color.
In your heart, you know he's white. (Prolonged laughter)
If George sneaks off with just a few little ol' electoral votes, we may
have to pick the next President in the House of Representatives.
What a parliamentary foul-up! After the election of 1800, the House went
on and on and on for 36 ballots
and they didn't even have H. R. Gross.
(Laughter)
The Democrats, as usual, would be divided between LBJ and George Wallace.
But you know
we Republicans are always united. (Laughter)
We'd all rally 'round that great Republican champion: Ronald
Milhous
Percyfeller. (Prolonged laughter)
Our Republican drag race is still exciting, even with our Michigan Rambler
scratched.
There's Nelson Rockefeller. He still won't volunteer
but last week
he installed a hot line to his draft board. (Laughter)
Nelson is the best man to save the American dollar
it's a family
habit. (Laughter) After all, Governor Rockefeller is the only taxpayer who
can balance the Federal budget with his Mad Money. (Laughter)
(more)
-4-
Dick Nixon doesn't have to stay in politics for the money, either. Only
last week the Schick Razor Company offered him Two Million Dollars just to do a
shaving commercial (Laughter) for Gillette. (Prolonged laughter) Dick's
the only candidate who gets Five O'Clock Shadow on the "Today" Show. (Prolonged
laughter)
Oh,
then there's Pistol Packin' Percy. Chuck's the one who went to
Vietnam and nearly shot his own brainwasher. (Prolonged laughter and applause)
And Governor Reagan, he says he isn't running for President either. I
believe him
even if his door chimes do play "Hail To The Chief." (Laughter)
Let's not forget Harold Stassen wouldn't it be great if we could? (Laughter)
Harold isn't the youngest candidate anymore, but I guess you'd have to say he's
the most WIGerous. (Prolonged laughter)
Of course, you can't blame anyone for trying.
Henry Clay always said he'd rather be right than President.
Now President Johnson has proved once and for all
it really is a
choice. (Prolonged laughter)
You know, I nearly didn't get here on time tonight. When I heard it was
to be a bi-partisan affair, I went straight to the President's Club.
Isn't that where you go to Buy Partisans? (Laughter)
Of course, partisanship has to stop somewhere. The things that unite us as
Americans are far more enduring than the things that divide us
and one of
these is our national sense of humor.
The Gridiron Club nourishes this great tradition. As the campaign gets
hotter, let's all remember to singe but never to burn
that not just the
hippies, but all of us, would lots rather make love than war
that both
Democrats and Republicans are striving together to create a more perfect Union,
with liberty and justice for all.
Our unwritten compact of respect for the convictions of others and faith in
the decency of others, allows Americans the luxury of rugged political competition.
Let's all work to banish war from our shrinking world and hate from our expanding
hearts
to make this whole planet as full of friendship and felicity as this
room tonight.
In this spirit, let me assure the distinguished Vice-President of the United
States, before all of you, that I have absolutely no designs on his job.
(Laughter)
How many others in this room can make that statement? (Prolonged laughter)
(more)
-5-
I'm serious. I'm not at all interested in the Vice-Presidency.
I love the House of Representatives, despite the long, irregular hours.
Sometimes, though, when it's late and I'm tired and hungry on that
long drive home to Alexandria
as I go past 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, I
do seem to hear a little voice saying:
"If you lived here, you'd be home now." (Prolonged laughter and applause)
###