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White House Correspondence Dinner, 4/29/89
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White House Correspondence Dinner, 4/29/89
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Originally Processed With FOIA(s):
FOIA Number:
S
2011-2184-F
FOIA
MARKER
This is not a textual record. This is used as an
administrative marker by the George Bush Presidential
Library Staff.
Record Group/Collection:
George H.W. Bush Presidential Records
Collection/Office of Origin:
Speechwriting, White House Office of
Series:
Speech File Draft Files
Subseries:
Chron File, 1989-1993
OA/ID Number:
13485
Folder ID Number:
13485-007
Folder Title:
White House Correspondence Dinner, 4/29/89
Stack:
Row:
Section:
Shelf:
Position:
G
26
15
7
1
PRESIDENTIAL REMARKS: WHITE HOUSE
CORRESPONDENTS DINNER
WASHINGTON HILTON
SATURDAY, APRIL 29, 1989
8:00 P.M.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, JERRY ((O'LEARY, ASSOC. PRESIDENT)).
AND CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR LEADERSHIP THIS PAST YEAR.
- 2 -
CONGRATS ALSO TO YOUR SUCCESSOR, JOHANNA NEUMANN.
JOHANNA -- COME BY SOMETIME
AND I'LL TELL YOU HOW MUCH FUN IT IS
To BE A NEW PRESIDENT.
JOHANNA, YOU HAVE A BIG ADVANTAGE OVER ME. ((PAUSE))
You CAN BLAME THINGS ON YOUR PREDECESSOR.
- 3 -
IN THE TV DEBATES
THEY KEPT ASKING VICE PRESIDENT QUAYLE
ABOUT THE FIRST THING HE'D DO AS PRESIDENT.
CHEER UP DAN. ((PAUSE))
THEY'RE STILL ASKING ME THE SAME QUESTION.
- 4 -
I HAVEN'T WATCHED MUCH TV LATELY.
BUT I UNDERSTAND OPRAH LOST WEIGHT.
PHIL WORE A SKIRT.
GERALDO GOT HIS NOSE BUSTED.
AND DOWNEY LOST TO THE SKINHEADS.
EASY TO SEE WHY I'M NOT MAKING NEWS.
- 5 -
NEVER MAKE NEWS, MY EYE.
HERE'S A SCOOP FOR YOU --
MY FIRST NOMINEE TO THE SUPREME COURT WILL BE:
((PAUSE))
JOHN TOWER. ((PAUSE))
WHAT WE NEED IS A LITTLE JUSTICE.
- 6 -
I HEAR MY SCHEDULE
KEEPS YOU WORKING UNTIL LATE.
THAT YOU'RE NOT GETTING ENOUGH SLEEP.
FIRST TIME I'VE
BEEN ACCUSED OF KEEPING ANYBODY AWAKE.
- 7 -
LESLIE STAHL ASKED IF I MOVE TOO CAUTIOUSLY.
I SAID: "CAN I GET BACK TO YOU ON THAT?"
- 8 -
I'VE HAD A NUMBER OF YOU UP TO THE FAMILY QUARTERS.
AND GERRY BOYD --
JUST IN CASE IT EVER COMES UP --
I DO HAVE PHOTOS OF YOU BOUNCING ON LINCOLN'S BED.
- 9 -
I DON'T MEAN TO KNOCK THE NEW YORK TIMES.
IN FACT, MY DAUGHTER DORO IS A GUEST AT THEIR TABLE --
((POINT TO DORO)) OVER THERE, I GUESS.
BUT I'VE GOT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THAT LAST EDITORIAL --
[[DORO: "DAAAAAD "]] ((PAUSE))
SORRY, DORO -- AM I EMBARRASSING YOU?
((RIP UP PREVIOUS CARD))
WELL, NOW YOU KNOW HOW THE DUKAKIS KIDS
FELT WHEN THEIR DAD RODE IN THAT TANK.
- 10 -
NEWT GINGRICH DOESN'T HAVE A TANK.
BUT NEWT IS THE ONLY GUY WHOSE CAR
HAS A DASHBOARD STATUE OF FRANK LORENZO.
- 11 -
THEN THERE'S JIM BAKER.
You THINK OF HIM AS SECRETARY OF STATE.
I THINK OF HIM AS AN ENVIRONMENTALIST.
BUT JIM WILL BE BEST REMEMBERED FOR THE WILDERNESS AcT.
THAT'S THE ACT HE WAS CAUGHT COMMITTING
IN THE WILDERNESS.
I ASKED JIM BAKER IF HE WANTED TO
Go FISH FOR ALASKAN SALMON.
HE ASKED: "REGULAR, OR UNLEADED?"
- 12 -
JIM MORRIS IS HERE TONIGHT.
I GET THE FEELING HE'S
ABOUT TO SNUFF OUT SOME
OF MY "THOUSAND POINTS OF LIGHT." ((PAUSE))
BUT I'VE SEEN JIM'S IMPRESSION OF ME.
FRANKLY, I CAN'T MAKE HEAD OR TAIL
OUT OF WHAT HE'S SAYING.
HIS SYNTAX IS ALL TWISTED.
- 13 -
IT SHOULDN'T BE TOO HARD TO UPSTAGE ME, JIM.
A FEW WEEKS AGO I WAS UPSTAGED BY A WIG.
I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING ABOUT BARBARA.
EVER SINCE SHE DRANK THAT RADIOACTIVE IODINE
SHE'S BEEN DOUBLING AS A NIGHT LIGHT.
- 14 -
HER NEW NICKNAME?
"THE THREE MILE ISLAND Fox."
AND IT BOTHERS ME,
AT THE END OF A PRESS CONFERENCE
WHEN HELEN THOMAS STANDS UP AND SAYS:
"THANK YOU, BARBARA'S HUSBAND."
- 15 -
ALL THE GOOD PRESS MAY BE GOING TO MILLIE'S HEAD,
THOUGH.
TODAY, WE SET OUT HER BOWL OF ALPO
AND SHE ASKED TO SEE THE WINE LIST.
- 16 -
LAST WEEK YOU REPORTED IN THE PAPERS HOW I TOOK A
LITTLE GIRL FROM PENNSYLVANIA OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE
TOUR LINE TO SHOW HER THE PUPPIES. WELL, THIS MORNING
I DID IT AGAIN -- THIS TIME WITH A KID FROM CALIFORNIA.
AND IT GAVE ME AN IDEA. WHY NOT LET SOMEONE WE PULLED
OUT OF LINE -- AN AVERAGE AMERICAN TOURIST -- TELL YOU
WHAT HE THINKS OF THE PRESIDENCY?
((TURN BACK TO CURTAIN))
SON, CAN YOU COME OUT HERE AND TALK TO THESE PEOPLE?
[[GUEST ENTERS, TAKES THE PODIUM]]
- 17 -
THANK YOU, GARY SHANDLING. ((PAUSE))
BUT THAT'S THE LAST TIME I PULL ANYONE OUT OF LINE.
OOPS -- IT'S GETTING LATE.
((PAUSE -- LOOK AT WATCH))
THERE WON'T BE TIME TONIGHT
FOR THE SLIDE SHOW
OF MY TRIP TO HONDURAS.
- 18 -
BUT LET ME JUST CLOSE BY SAYING:
TONIGHT MARKS THE 75TH ANNIVERSARY OF THE WHITE
HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS ASSOCIATION -- THE DIAMOND
ANNIVERSARY.
HIGH QUALITY DIAMONDS ARE RARE -- AND FORMED UNDER
INTENSE PRESSURE. PEOPLE OFTEN TALK ABOUT THE PRESSURE
OF GOVERNMENT SERVICE, BUT SELDOM RECOGNIZE THE INTENSE
PRESSURE THAT YOUR PROFESSION, AND ESPECIALLY THIS
PRESS CORPS, FACES VIRTUALLY EVERY DAY.
- 19 -
EVEN MORE UNIQUE IS THE TRADITION OF HUMOR -- FROM BOTH
SIDES OF THE PODIUM -- THAT HELPS KEEP OUR
RESPONSIBILITIES IN PERSPECTIVE.
So I'LL RAISE A GLASS TO YOU -- TOASTING THE
DIAMOND ANNIVERSARY OF THIS TRADITION. AND TO JIM
MORRIS I SAY: REMEMBER JIM -- "KINDER AND
GENTLER' . "KINDER AND GENTLER"
#
#
#
PRESIDENTIAL REMARKS: WHITE HOUSE
CORRESPONDENTS DINNER
WASHINGTON HILTON
SATURDAY, APRIL 29, 1989
8:00 P.M.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, JERRY ((O'LEARY, ASSOC. PRESIDENT)).
AND CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR LEADERSHIP THIS PAST YEAR.
- 2 -
CONGRATS ALSO To YOUR SUCCESSOR, JOHANNA NEUMANN.
JOHANNA -- COME BY SOMETIME
AND I'LL TELL YOU HOW MUCH FUN IT IS
To BE A NEW PRESIDENT.
JOHANNA, YOU HAVE A BIG ADVANTAGE OVER ME. ((PAUSE))
You CAN BLAME THINGS ON YOUR PREDECESSOR.
- 3 -
IN THE TV DEBATES
THEY KEPT ASKING VICE PRESIDENT QUAYLE
ABOUT THE FIRST THING HE'D DO AS PRESIDENT.
CHEER UP DAN. ((PAUSE))
THEY'RE STILL ASKING ME THE SAME QUESTION.
- 4 -
I HAVEN'T WATCHED MUCH TV LATELY.
BUT I UNDERSTAND OPRAH LOST WEIGHT.
PHIL WORE A SKIRT.
GERALDO GOT HIS NOSE BUSTED.
AND DOWNEY LOST To THE SKINHEADS.
EASY TO SEE WHY I'M NOT MAKING NEWS.
- 5 -
NEVER MAKE NEWS, MY EYE.
HERE'S A SCOOP FOR YOU --
MY FIRST NOMINEE TO THE SUPREME COURT WILL BE:
((PAUSE))
JOHN TOWER. ((PAUSE))
WHAT WE NEED IS A LITTLE JUSTICE.
- 6 -
I HEAR MY SCHEDULE
KEEPS YOU WORKING UNTIL LATE.
THAT YOU'RE NOT GETTING ENOUGH SLEEP.
FIRST TIME I'VE
BEEN ACCUSED OF KEEPING ANYBODY AWAKE.
- 7 -
LESLIE STAHL ASKED IF I MOVE TOO CAUTIOUSLY.
I SAID: "CAN I GET BACK TO YOU ON THAT?"
- 8 -
I'VE HAD A NUMBER OF YOU UP To THE FAMILY QUARTERS.
AND GERRY BOYD --
JUST IN CASE IT EVER COMES UP --
I DO HAVE PHOTOS OF YOU BOUNCING ON LINCOLN'S BED.
- 9 -
I DON'T MEAN To KNOCK THE NEW YORK TIMES.
IN FACT, MY DAUGHTER DORO IS A GUEST AT THEIR TABLE --
((POINT TO DORO)) OVER THERE, I GUESS.
BUT I'VE GOT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THAT LAST EDITORIAL --
[[DORO: "DAAAAAD "]] ((PAUSE))
SORRY, DORO -- AM I EMBARRASSING YOU?
((RIP UP PREVIOUS CARD))
WELL, NOW YOU KNOW HOW THE DUKAKIS KIDS
FELT WHEN THEIR DAD RODE IN THAT TANK.
- 10 -
NEWT GINGRICH DOESN'T HAVE A TANK.
BUT NEWT IS THE ONLY GUY WHOSE CAR
HAS A DASHBOARD STATUE OF FRANK LORENZO.
- 11 -
THEN THERE'S JIM BAKER.
You THINK OF HIM AS SECRETARY OF STATE.
I THINK OF HIM AS AN ENVIRONMENTALIST.
BUT JIM WILL BE BEST REMEMBERED FOR THE WILDERNESS AcT.
THAT'S THE ACT HE WAS CAUGHT COMMITTING
IN THE WILDERNESS.
I ASKED JIM BAKER IF HE WANTED TO
Go FISH FOR ALASKAN SALMON.
HE ASKED: "REGULAR, OR UNLEADED?"
- 12 -
JIM MORRIS IS HERE TONIGHT.
I GET THE FEELING HE'S
ABOUT TO SNUFF OUT SOME
OF MY "THOUSAND POINTS OF LIGHT." ((PAUSE))
BUT I'VE SEEN JIM'S IMPRESSION OF ME.
FRANKLY, I CAN'T MAKE HEAD OR TAIL
OUT OF WHAT HE'S SAYING.
HIS SYNTAX IS ALL TWISTED.
- 13 -
IT SHOULDN'T BE TOO HARD TO UPSTAGE ME, JIM.
A FEW WEEKS AGO I WAS UPSTAGED BY A WIG.
I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING ABOUT BARBARA.
EVER SINCE SHE DRANK THAT RADIOACTIVE IODINE
SHE'S BEEN DOUBLING AS A NIGHT LIGHT.
- 14 -
HER NEW NICKNAME?
"THE THREE MILE ISLAND Fox."
AND IT BOTHERS ME,
AT THE END OF A PRESS CONFERENCE
WHEN HELEN THOMAS STANDS UP AND SAYS:
"THANK YOU, BARBARA'S HUSBAND."
- 15 -
ALL THE GOOD PRESS MAY BE GOING TO MILLIE'S HEAD,
THOUGH.
TODAY, WE SET OUT HER BOWL OF ALPO
AND SHE ASKED TO SEE THE WINE LIST.
- 16 -
LAST WEEK YOU REPORTED IN THE PAPERS HOW I TOOK A
LITTLE GIRL FROM PENNSYLVANIA OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE
TOUR LINE TO SHOW HER THE PUPPIES. WELL, THIS MORNING
I DID IT AGAIN -- THIS TIME WITH A KID FROM CALIFORNIA.
AND IT GAVE ME AN IDEA. WHY NOT LET SOMEONE WE PULLED
OUT OF LINE -- AN AVERAGE AMERICAN TOURIST -- TELL YOU
WHAT HE THINKS OF THE PRESIDENCY?
((TURN BACK TO CURTAIN))
SON, CAN YOU COME OUT HERE AND TALK TO THESE PEOPLE?
[[GUEST ENTERS, TAKES THE PODIUM]]
- 17 -
THANK YOU, GARY SHANDLING. ((PAUSE))
BUT THAT'S THE LAST TIME I PULL ANYONE OUT OF LINE.
OOPS -- It's GETTING LATE.
((PAUSE -- LOOK AT WATCH))
THERE WON'T BE TIME TONIGHT
FOR THE SLIDE SHOW
OF MY TRIP TO HONDURAS.
- 18 -
BUT LET ME JUST CLOSE BY SAYING:
TONIGHT MARKS THE 75TH ANNIVERSARY OF THE WHITE
HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS ASSOCIATION -- THE DIAMOND
ANNIVERSARY.
HIGH QUALITY DIAMONDS ARE RARE -- AND FORMED UNDER
INTENSE PRESSURE. PEOPLE OFTEN TALK ABOUT THE PRESSURE
OF GOVERNMENT SERVICE, BUT SELDOM RECOGNIZE THE INTENSE
PRESSURE THAT YOUR PROFESSION, AND ESPECIALLY THIS
PRESS CORPS, FACES VIRTUALLY EVERY DAY.
- 19 -
EVEN MORE UNIQUE IS THE TRADITION OF HUMOR -- FROM BOTH
SIDES OF THE PODIUM -- THAT HELPS KEEP OUR
RESPONSIBILITIES IN PERSPECTIVE.
So I'LL RAISE A GLASS To YOU -- TOASTING THE
DIAMOND ANNIVERSARY OF THIS TRADITION. AND To JIM
MORRIS I SAY: REMEMBER JIM -- "KINDER AND
"
GENTLER
"KINDER AND GENTLER'
#
#
#
JOKE FILE
has asked me to read an announcement: ( (PAUSE) )
All door prize winners
Please see Nick Brady
About picking up your free S&L.
You know tonight
Marks my first one thousand days -- ah --
One hundred days -- ( (PAUSE) )
Only seems like a thousand.
It's been a wonderful honeymoon.
I just received a sympathy note from Mike Tyson.
Mike told me he loves his work.
But I suggested he become a journalist.
He wouldn't have to wait so long between fights.
I shouldn't complain.
It's just that sometimes I feel like Jim Fowler
on Marlin's Fitzwater's "Wild Kingdom."
I know many of you are here tonight
Because of your commitment to the profession
Your deep respect for the presidency --
And because you couldn't get in to the Gridiron.
Looking around the room reminds me
That only a select few reporters
Are assigned to the world's most exciting political beat.
And those not lucky enough to cover
Chicago politics have to settle for the White House.
2
I'm told Oprah just opened a restaurant in Chicago.
It's a theme restaurant.
A sign inside says:
"stay real. ((PAUSE)) Never dull. ((PAUSE)) No rules."
Sounds like one of my press conferences.
When we left the White House tonight
I told Barbara
I'd be spending the evening with the media elite.
She wants to know which one of you is Morton Downey.
I haven't watched much TV lately.
But I understand Oprah lost weight.
Phil wore a skirt.
Geraldo got his nose busted.
And Downey lost to the skinheads.
Easy to see why I'm not making news.
Actually, tonight is a milestone.
I'm nearing the conclusion of my first 100 jokes.
A story in yesterday's paper
Accused me of drift and a lack of focus.
At least I think it did.
Before I finished it
My mind wandered off to something else.
Seriously, it's discouraging.
Last month Elvis made more news than me.
My new goal for the next 100 days:
To get on TV more than Sam Skinner.
3
Steve Studdert's getting desperate.
Next week he's booked me
To do "Hollywood Squares."
We planted a tree in Bismarck.
The environmental angle was a good one.
Until we realized Steve had invited representatives
From the paper industry.
I keep asking Steve:
"Remember the 40th anniversary of D-Day?
Why can't we do TV events more like Deaver?"
So now we're booked to commemorate
29 years since the Bay of Pigs.
Some people say I'm stressing style over substance.
Maybe I can convince them they're wrong
Over a game of horseshoes.
Now the IRS is challenging me on my home office deductions.
They want proof
Someone's working in the White House.
They say I'm being too cautious.
Even Barbara says I should take the rear-view mirror
Off my exercise bike.
Leslie Stahl asked if I've proceeded too cautiously.
I said: "Can I get back to you on that?"
What you're seeing these days is the real George Bush.
Just being myself.
No longer controlled by "handlers." ((PAUSE))
4
I hope I said that the way Roger Ailes told me to.
But things are good with Congress.
We agreed on the Contras.
We agreed on the budget.
Only one thing we can't agree on:
Who's going to be President.
I know what it is
Everyone in Congress wants from me.
But it's too late.
All six puppies are spoken for.
A reporter asked what I thought about the ethics problems
Facing the man who ranks just behind
The President and Vice President.
I said I'd rather not comment
On the difficulties of Prime Minister Takeshita.
I was warned I'd be sharing tonight's platform
With a professional joke teller.
A presidential impersonator who has brought laughter to millions.
I thought: "What's Michael Dukakis doing back in town?"
Jim Morris is here tonight.
I'm inviting him to the White House
To impersonate a balanced budget.
I hate to disillusion anyone.
But thousands of those handwritten notes
That people think came from me
Were actually forged by Jim Morris.
It shouldn't be too hard to upstage me, Jim.
5
A few weeks ago I was upstaged by a wig.
6
The Secret Service issued me a new wristwatch.
It's been ticking like crazy.
Turns out it's a geiger counter.
Governor Sununu's doing a great job.
And John, I'm grateful for your loyalty and support.
But I'd appreciate it if you'd stop calling me
"The second most powerful man in the White House.' "
Actually, the staff is great.
But you have to be careful.
Everything you say, they do.
Before dinner the other night I said to Barbara:
"How about a little Chinese?"
Next thing I know
I'm shaking hands with Deng Xiaoping.
John's kept the speechwriters out of the White House Mess.
Now at lunch no one knows what to say.
But you're not hearing much about turf battles.
Only real turf battle in DC these days
Is between Marion Barry
And the Grand Jury
Over Charles Lewis' time.
Bill Bennett's doing well as the new drug czar.
But he's getting a little carried away.
He named his new daughter Anastasia.
7
I guess you all have heard about the sequel
They're making for "Rain Man. "
It's about a White House official who travels across the country
With a reporter,
Talking on background the whole way.
It's called "Dar-Man."
Some of Dick's deficit ideas are a little radical.
He wanted to get one thousand tickets
For the Pennsylvania lottery.
It is said Dick Darman cuts his own hair.
I've seen his haircuts.
I hope he does a better job of cutting the budget.
Otherwise, I'm hiring Don King.
Then there's Marlin.
When all America was swept up by Ollie North haircuts
He went out and copied John Poindexter.
You're too hard on Marlin.
Especially ribbing him about his hairstyle.
You grew up with the Dick Van Dyke Show.
And every time Marlin walks in for a briefing,
You react as if it's Mel.
He's really not Mel.
Of course,
Marlin's no Morey Amsterdam, either.
And he's a little caught up
In this whole Kansas thing.
Marlin keeps calling Millie "Toto."
8
Maybe you read that the puppies
Are sleeping on the Washington Post and the New York Times.
First time the White House has used the press to prevent leaks.
It was Marlin's idea.
He calls it "yellow journalism."
Boyden Gray has a Plymouth that runs on Ethanol.
Now he's talking about a car that'll run on sea water.
Catch is, the water's got to come from Prince William Sound.
For years they've packed sardines in oil
And now Exxon's gone and taken out the middleman.
I asked Jim Baker if he wanted to go fish for salmon.
He asked: "Regular or unleaded?"
You think of him as Secretary of State.
But Jim will be best remembered for the Wilderness Act.
That's the act he was caught committing in the wilderness.
Things are getting nasty in Alaska
The other day a group of baby seals
Were clubbing Exxon officials.
We've asked the Pentagon to help with the clean up.
But I don't know.
It's the defense contractors
Who are experts at skimming.
Now NBC's doing a new sitcom about Alaskan Yuppies.
It's called "WD 40-something."
9
Forgive me if I seem a bit distracted.
I just heard that Peter Ueberroth
Bought Air Force One.
You know he's been trying to buy Eastern.
At least he got out of baseball.
Before he got into gambling.
Now I hear the deal fell through.
Ueberroth wanted three passenger sections:
1st Class, Coach -- and bleachers.
Have you read about this $39,000 Concorde tour?
The tail fell off
And Bill Buckley announced it on the intercom.
No one panicked.
No one could understand what he was talking about.
I'm glad to see some conservative publications
Trying to reach a broader audience.
I hear something's coming out next month called:
"National Review -- The Swimsuit Issue."
I hear commentators saying something should be done
about the climate of fear in this city.
Let's face it.
If they were serious about eliminating
Terror and intimidation in Washington,
They would have kicked out Bob Novak years ago.
10
But when you write about Washington,
I think you should make the point
To would-be tourists
That most of this senseless violence
Is isolated in one small area.
The McLaughlin Group.
We hear John McLaughlin is personally leading
A crusade to wipe out new gangs in Washington.
Starting with "The Capital Gang."
I hear Mayor Barry is getting tough
With a new law bound to strike fear
In the hearts of criminals:
You use a gun -- You go to a Lee Atwater guitar recital.
And you can't avoid the squabbles
About the precise definition of "semi-automatic."
I'm not so sure myself.
Heck, it sounds to me like
The editorial policy at the Washington Post.
Did you see that Nancy Reagan joined a drug bust in L.A.?
They're remaking the movie "Colors"
With her in the lead.
It's going to be called: "Pastels."
Imagine the fear in those thugs
When they heard the words everyone dreads:
"First Lady. Freeze."
President Reagan began as an actor
And apparently Gorbachev plans to finish as one.
11
He wants to star in a re-make of Mikhail's Navy.
Things are really changing for the Soviets.
True, they still quote Lenin and Marx.
But now it's John and Groucho.
Gorbachev asked me to refrain from
Doing or saying anything that would encourage
High-level defections.
I said: "Look, I had nothing to do with
Connie Chung going to CBS."
I asked Gorbachev to prove his new openness
By letting the Soviet press print
The views of a conservative American columnist.
So they ran George Will's piece calling me a lap dog.
There was some confusion over the Soviet upheavals.
Jim Baker ran in and said:
"The Georgians are revolting!"
I said: "It's been eight years.
Let's lay off the Carters."
But I do believe we're on our way
To a kinder and gentler America.
Especially since Sam Donaldson left the White House.
I can't stay very long tonight.
My old friend Jerry Ford
Is coming over to play horseshoes.
And I've got to get up early
To board up the White House windows.
In the TV debates
12
They kept asking Vice President Quayle
About the first thing he'd do as President.
Cheer up Dan. ((PAUSE))
They're still asking me the same question.
I hear my schedule
Keeps you working until late.
That you're not getting enough sleep.
First time I've
Been accused of keeping anybody awake.
A story in yesterday's paper
Accused me of drift and a lack of focus. ((PAUSE) )
What was I just saying?
People wondered how I picked the sites
We traveled to this week.
It's no secret.
North Dakota's the only place
I can still dominate the news.
Hey, it was a good trip. ((PAUSE) )
Made page two. ((PAUSE))
Second section. ( (PAUSE) )
Third graph. ( (PAUSE) )
Under the fold. ( (PAUSE) )
The Bismarck Sun.
I've had a number of you up to the family quarters.
And Gerry Boyd --
Just in case it ever comes up --
I do have photos of you bouncing on Lincoln's bed.
Never make news, my eye.
13
Here's a scoop for you --
My first nominee to the Supreme Court will be: ((PAUSE))
John Tower. ( (PAUSE) )
What we need is a little justice.
14
Now they're saying Bill Bennett has presidential ambitions.
He's bringing the military into the drug war.
But Bill, you know the rules --
Ride one tank and you're out.
Oops -- It's getting late.
( (PAUSE -- LOOK AT WATCH) )
There won't be time tonight
For the slide show
of my trip to Honduras.
15
WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER
RAY SILLER
Hi, I'm Jim Morris' act.
Hi, my name is Jim Morris, I'd like to do my impression of
President George Bush, and it goes something like this.
(Turn around a la impressionist.)
I get the feeling Jim Morris is about to snuff out some of
my thousand points of light.
With Jim Morris in the room, I sense I'm about to have an
out of body experience.
I've seen Jim Morris' impressions of me. Frankly, I can't
make head or tail out of what he's saying. Jim 's syntax is all
twisted.
Remember Jim
kinder and gentler
kinder and
gentler.
Guess I should give you an update on Barbara. She's feeling
fine. She had swallowed that radioactive drink
which
worked out well. Around the White House we used her as a
nightlight.
Her new nickname is "The Three Mile Island Fox."
Barbara was really thoughtful. She showed up at a Cabinet
meeting and gave us all free dental x-rays.
The polls have Barbara edging more
in popularity.
However, I was noted Mr. Congeniality.
16
After seeing Barbara's stand in the polls, I phoned Adler's
Men's Store and ordered a royal blue suit
and a triple
strand of pearls.
It bothers me, at the end of a press conference, when Helen
Thomas stands up and says, "Thank you, Barbara's Husband."
I asked Barbara what I might do to match her popularity.
She said, "Well, it's George Washington's bicentennial. Maybe
you could rest his old wig."
Barbara turned down an interview with Charles Bierbauer on
CNN. She heard Ted Turner planned to colorize her hair.
Tomorrow we celebrate the 200th anniversary of George
Washington's Inauguration. I'm not a superstitious man. But I
am grateful 200 years ago they didn't swear in Michael
Washington.
You wonder how successful Washington would be if he were
President today. He'd toss a silver dollar across the Potomac
and they'd accuse him of being reckless with the budget. He'd
chop down the cherry tree and take heat from the Sierra Club.
And when he crossed the Delaware he'd stand up in the boat and
they'd say he was drifting.
Salman Rushdie is still in hiding. He heard Newt Gingrich
is investigating his book sales to the Iranian Teamsters. (Is
that the group Wright sold to?)
Newt Gingrich makes Lee Atwater look like Mother Teresa.
17
Newt is the only guy whose car has a dashboard statue of
Donald Lorenzo.
Salman Rushdie came out of hiding today and admitted he's
the one who read Jim Wright and Salman Rushdie's books.
I was puzzled by the title of Salman Rushdie's book. I
thought the Satanic Verses was anything written by
(name of liberal journalist).
Geraldo Rivera was so successful with his documentary on
Devil Worship he's doing a special on People Who Like Newt
Gingrich.
The new standard of ethics in government has the politicians
concerned. You can hear them roaming the halls of Congress
singing, "Don't Be Happy
Worry."
Have you caught that new movie, "Scandal" about the
Christine Keeler-Professor affair? It looked like C-Span's
coverage of the Senate Christmas party.
Some current members of Congress don't measure up to the new
ethical standard. It's discouraging to see them in the cloakroom
trading Michael Milken and Wade Boggs gum cards.
Out at Dulles Airport, 3 Congressmen were spotted boarding a
flight to Alaska to catch Happy Hour on the Exxon Valdez.
George Mitchell asked me, as a favor, to pose for a picture
with one of the new White House Correspondents. Maybe your know
her. Pamella Board
I need that kind of photo op like
Fitzwater needs hair spray.
18
I see all the major publications represented here tonight.
Time, Newsweek.
(duck head under table)
The National
Enquirer.
The National Enquirer has applied for press credentials. I
want to welcome their new correspondent. Elvis, where are you
sitting?
And by the way, thanks for the Cadillac.
The competition is intense among news magazines. U.S. News
& World Report is coming out with its first annual swimsuit
issue.
I don't know if their public is ready for Mort
Zuckerman in thongs.
Along with the job of White House Correspondent comes a
certain amount of prestige. Over at CBS, the ladies room is now
called "The Leslie Stahl. "
This year, Diane Sawyer will team up with Sam Donaldson.
That's the most unusual pairing since Snow White hooked up with
Rob Lowe.
One of CNN's top anchors defected to NBC. Ted Turner hopes
no one will notice. He's going to make his other star anchor
change his name to Bernard Alice Shorr.
Jerry mentioned I was a fisherman. He asked me my secret
for catching fish. I said I invite them up to the family
quarters for dinner and a movie.
I've had a number of you up to tour the family quarters. By
the way, just in case it ever comes up, I do have photos of you
bouncing on Lincoln's bed. (You might mention specific reporters
here)
19
Some of you are wearing out your welcome. Yesterday, John
Cochran showed up in the Lincoln bedroom with a roll of quarters.
I said, "John, in those days they didn't have a Magic Fingers
machine."
Barbara woke up at 3 this morning and thought she saw
Lincoln's ghost. It was just Brit Hume in a seersucker suit.
I think we've made progress in the first hundred days.
There's been a bi-partisan budget agreement, a bi-partisan accord
on Contra aid, and 1400 bi-partisan tours of the family quarters.
Some of you have suggested I'm cautious of comparisons with
other Presidents' first hundred days. That's nonsense. The next
person who writes that I'm gonna sic my dog Fala
er,
Millie
on them.
Millie is getting so much good press I asked the White House
doctor how long it would take me to grow a tail.
All the good press may be going to Millie's head. Today, we
set out her bowl of Alpo and she asked to see the wine list.
Our puppies have been seen in all your publications. During
the picture sessions, they refused to bark because it was just a
photo opportunity.
One squirrel took a look at the 6 puppies on the lawn and
dipped its chestnut in cyanide.
I like this idea of the TV press having to file their
reports each night on the White House lawn where the puppies have
20
been playing all day. Now you know how it feels to be in deep
doo doo.
One unsung hero in the puppies' saga is a male Springer
Spaniel down in Atlanta who was Millie's boyfriend. I'd reveal
his name, only Sam Nunn might accuse him of womanizing.
I'm happy to report that soon the deficit will be a thing of
the past. Dick Darman and I just went halfsies on a Pennsylvania
lottery ticket.
I still find time to watch a little television. I caught
that mini-series "Lonesome Dove." I had thought Lonesome Dove
was the biography of (name of liberal pol or journalist).
We came through an election year. We've seen a lot of
bitterness, divisiveness, name-calling, the sleaze factor. But
enough about Bryant Gumble and Willard Scott.
I've just completed a hundred days in office, or 74 point 6
points of light. Of course, your points of light may vary.
A reporter asked me whether I've proceeded too cautiously.
I said, "Could I get back to you on that?"
We're getting mail pro and con on the issue of semi-
automatic weapons. One telegram, from Willard Scott, advocated
Gumble control.
It was Marlin Fitzwater who suggested I install a horseshoe
pit. Marlin was tired of standing there on the lawn while I
tossed ringers around his neck.
21
When I pitch horseshoes, it sort of hooks toward the
(post?). Some of you claim it drifts.
I like to pitch horseshoes, although my aim leaves something
to be desired, Barbara insists my horseshoe be included on the
list of assault weapons.
Whenever we can, we are trying to cooperate with the press.
The other day during Brit Hume's live report on the lawn, ABC's
satellite broke down. We let Brit beam his signal off Marlin's
scalp.
If any of you is looking for a job in the Administration, we
still have a few openings. This week, my personnel director,
Chase Untermeyer, received a resume from Andre Gromyko
Andre got a glasnost golden parachute.
This week, a third of the ruling Communist Party's Central
Committee resigned. Mr. Gorbachev said, "Good Riddance." They
were all Commies.
We bailed out the savings and loan industry. It wasn't
easy. We had to re-tool the U.S. Mint so it could produce
toasters.
We bailed out the savings and loan industry. Just in time.
One savings and loan officer was seen standing on a dock with a
bunch of toasters strapped to his shoes.
This week we went around the country speaking to various
groups. On the flight back to Andrews, we experienced some
turbulence. Turns out it was Peter Ueberroth on the wing waving
his checkbook at our pilot.
22
Peter failed in his bid to buy Eastern Airlines. His
background as baseball commissioner may have gotten in the way.
he wanted to have all planes equipped with spitting and not
spitting sections.
Peter was going to insist that all planes take off from a
squatting position. I'm not sure we want to mix baseball with
the airlines. Can you see Pete Rose sitting in the cockpit
betting the pilot how fast he can land?
Connie Chung and Maury Povitch made a bid to buy the Eastern
Shuttle
and change the name to the Love Connection.
Did you hear the Japanese purchased the Willard Hotel?
They're buying every building in sight. I'm worried. Today at
the White House, they replaced the Executive Mess with a sushi
bar.
Hope you enjoyed your salads. The chef tried a new
dressing
similar to Thousand Island
called Prince William
Sound.
Exxon assures us they've turned the corner in Prince William
sound. I'm not so sure. This will be the first year the salmon
skid upstream.
Lee Atwater just opened another restaurant
this time in
Alaska. It's not doing too well. It only takes Exxon credit
cards.
How many of you know George Washington was considered trendy
and way ahead of his time? It's true. 200 years ago he was
wearing the Barbara Bush cut.
(McNally/Martin)
April 29, 1989
9:00 a.m.
Draft Five
(B:CORRES)
PRESIDENTIAL REMARKS: WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS DINNER
WASHINGTON HILTON
SATURDAY, APRIL 29, 1989
8:00 P.M.
Thank you.
Thank you, Jerry (O'LEARY, W.H. CORRES. ASSOC. PRESIDENT))
And congratulations on your leadership this past year.
Congrats also to your successor, Johanna Neumann.
Johanna -- Come by sometime
And I'll tell you how much fun it is
To be a new president.
Johanna, you have a big advantage over me. ((PAUSE))
You can blame things on your predecessor.
Before we left the White House tonight
I told my grandkids
I'd be spending the evening with the media elite.
They want to know which one of you is Morton Downey.
I haven't watched much TV lately.
But I understand Oprah lost weight.
Phil wore a skirt.
Geraldo got his nose busted.
And Downey lost to the skinheads.
Easy to see why I'm not making news.
Geraldo was so successful
With his documentary on Devil Worship
Now he's doing a Special on
"People Who Like Newt Gingrich."
2
Newt is the only guy whose car
Has a dashboard statue of Frank Lorenzo.
In the TV debates
They kept asking Vice President Quayle
About the first thing he'd do as President.
um
Cheer up Dan. ((PAUSE))
They're still asking me the same question.
I hear
Some complain. my schedule
Keeps the you press working until late.
you we
That they re not getting enough sleep.
First time I've
any anybody
Been accused of keeping someone awake.
A story in yesterday's paper
Accused me of drift and a lack of focus. ((PAUSE))
What was I just saying?
Leslie Stahl asked if I've proceeded too cautiously.
I said: "Can I get back to you on that?"
All this talk of crime.
How do you define "semi-autpmatic," anyway?
It sounds to me like
The editorial policy at the Washington Post.
I
People wondered how Steve Studdert picked the sites
We traveled to this week.
Questions whethery.
It's no secret.
North Dakota's the only place
I can still dominate the news.
3
agood tr.p
Hey, the trip wash t all that bad ( (PAUSE) )
So
Made page two. ( (PAUSE) )
Second section. ( (PAUSE) )
?
Third graph. ( (PAUSE) )
Under the fold. ((PAUSE) )
The Bismarck Sun.
Jim Morris is here tonight.
I get the feeling he's
About to snuff out some
of my thousand points of light. ((PAUSE) )
But I've seen Jim's impression of me.
Frankly, I can't make head or tail out of what he's saying.
His syntax is all twisted.
It shouldn't be too hard to upstage me, Jim.
A few weeks ago I was upstaged by a wig.
I'll tell you one thing about Barbara.
Ever since she drank that radioactive iodine
She's been doubling as a night light.
Her new nickname
?
"The Three Mile Island Fox. "
And it bothers me,
At the end of a press conference
When Helen Thomas stands up and says:
"Thank you, Barbara's husband."
All the good press may be going to Millie's head, though.
Today, we set out her bowl of Alpo
And she asked to see the wine list.
4
Barbara woke up at three this morning
?
And thought she saw Lincoln's ghost.
It was just Brit Hume in a seersucker suit.
I've had a number of you up to the family quarters.
?
And Gerry Boyd --
Just in case it ever comes up --
I do have photos of you bouncing on Lincoln's bed.
Never make news, my eye.
Here's a scoop for you --
My first nominee to the Supreme Court will be: ((PAUSE))
John Tower. ((PAUSE) )
What we need is a little justice.
Now
They say Bill Bennett has presidential ambitions.
He's bringing the military into the drug war.
?
But Bill, you know the rules --
Ride one tank and you're out.
You know I love movies.
Caught the sequel to "Rain Man. "
It's about a White House official who travels across the country
?
With a reporter,
Talking on background the whole way.
It's called "Dar-Man".
Boyden Gray has a Plymouth that runs on Methanol.
Now he talks about a car that runs on sea water.
The water's got to come from Prince William Sound.
Things are getting nasty in Alaska.
!
The other day a group of baby seals
Were clubbing Exxon officials.
5
I asked Jim Baker if he wanted to go fish for salmon.
He asked: "Regular or unleaded?"
You think of him as Secretary of State.
But
Jim will be best remembered for the Wilderness Act.
That's the act he was caught committing in the wilderness.
Oops -- It's getting late.
( (PAUSE -- LOOK AT WATCH) )
There won't be time tonight
For the slide show
Of my trip to Honduras.
But let me just close by saying:
Tonight marks the 75th anniversary of the White House
Correspondents Association -- the diamond anniversary.
High quality diamonds are rare -- and formed under intense
pressure. People often talk about the pressure of government
service, but seldom recognize the intense pressure that your
profession, and especially this press corps, faces virtually
every day. Even more unique is the tradition of humor -- from
both sides of the podium -- that helps keep our responsibilities
in perspective.
So I'll raise a glass to you -- toasting the diamond
anniversary of this tradition. And remember Jim -- "kinder and
gentler"
"kinder and gentler"
#
#
#
WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER
RAY SILLER TEXT (VERBATIM)
Hi, I'm Jim Morris' act.
Hi, my name is Jim Morris, I'd like to do my impression of
President George Bush, and it goes something like this.
(Turn around a la impressionist.)
I get the feeling Jim Morris is about to snuff out some of
my thousand points of light.
With Jim Morris in the room, I sense I'm about to have an
out of body experience.
I've seen Jim Morris' impressions of me. Frankly, I can't
make head or tail out of what he's saying. Jim's syntax is all
twisted.
Remember Jim
kinder and gentler
kinder and
gentler.
Guess I should give you an update on Barbara. She's feeling
fine. She had swallowed that radioactive drink
which
worked out well. Around the White House we used her as a
nightlight.
Her new nickname is "The Three Mile Island Fox. "
Barbara was really thoughtful. She showed up at a Cabinet
meeting and gave us all free dental x-rays.
The polls have Barbara edging me out in popularity.
However, I was voted Mr. Congeniality.
2
After seeing Barbara's standings in the polls, I phoned
Adler's Men's Store and ordered a royal blue suit
and a
triple strand of pearls.
It bothers me, at the end of a press conference, when Helen
Thomas stands up and says, "Thank you, Barbara's Husband."
I asked Barbara what I might do to match her popularity.
She said, "Well, it's George Washington's bicentennial. Maybe
you could rent his old wig."
Barbara turned down an interview with Charles Bierbauer on
CNN. She heard Ted Turner planned to colorize her hair.
Tomorrow we celebrate the 200th anniversary of George
Washington's Inauguration. I'm not a superstitious man. But I
am grateful 200 years ago they didn't swear in Michael
Washington.
You wonder how successful Washington would be if he were
President today. He'd toss a silver dollar across the Potomac
and they'd accuse him of being reckless with the budget. He'd
chop down the cherry tree and take heat from the Sierra Club.
And when he crossed the Delaware he'd stand up in the boat and
they'd say he was drifting.
Salman Rushdie is still in hiding. He heard Newt Gingrich
is investigating his book sales to the Iranian Teamsters. (Is
that the group Wright sold to?)
Newt Gingrich makes Lee Atwater look like Mother Teresa.
Newt is the only guy whose car has a dashboard statue of
Frank Lorenzo.
3
Salman Rushdie came out of hiding today and admitted he's
the one who read Jim Wright and Salman Rushdie's books.
I was puzzled by the title of Salman Rushdie's book. I
thought the Satanic Verses was anything written by
(name of liberal journalist).
Geraldo Rivera was so successful with his documentary on
Devil Worship he's doing a special on People Who Like Newt
Gingrich.
The new standard of ethics in government has the politicians
concerned. You can hear them roaming the halls of Congress
singing, "Don't Be Happy
Worry."
Have you caught that new movie, "Scandal" about the
Christine Keeler-Profurmo affair? It looked like C-Span's
coverage of the Senate Christmas party.
Some current members of Congress don't measure up to the new
ethical standard. It's discouraging to see them in the cloakroom
trading Michael Milken and Wade Boggs gum cards.
Out at Dulles Airport, 3 Congressmen were spotted boarding a
flight to Alaska to catch Happy Hour on the Exxon Valdez.
George Mitchell asked me, as a favor, to pose for a picture
with one of the new White House Correspondents. Maybe you know
her. Pamella Bordes. (Forgot the last name of that Indian woman
in England whom Jim Wright posed with. )
.I need that kind of
photo op like Fitzwater needs hair spray.
4
I see all the major publications represented here tonight.
Time, Newsweek.
(duck head under table)
The National
Enquirer.
The National Enquirer has applied for press credentials. I
want to welcome their new correspondent. Elvis, where are you
sitting?
And by the way, thanks for the Cadillac.
The competition is intense among news magazines. U.S. News
& World Report is coming out with its first annual swimsuit
issue.
.I don't know if their public is ready for Mort
Zuckerman in thongs.
Along with the job of White House Correspondent comes a
certain amount of prestige. Over at CBS, the ladies room is now
called "The Leslie Stahl. "
This year, Diane Sawyer will team up with Sam Donaldson.
That's the most unusual pairing since Snow White hooked up with
Rob Lowe.
One of CNN's top anchors defected to NBC. Ted Turner hopes
no one will notice. He's going to make his other star anchor
change his name to Bernard Alice Shaw.
Jerry mentioned I was a fisherman. He asked me my secret
for catching fish. I said I invite them up to the family
quarters for dinner and a movie.
I've had a number of you up to tour the family quarters. By
the way, just in case it ever comes up, I do have photos of you
bouncing on Lincoln's bed. (You might mention specific reporters
here.)
5
Some of you are wearing out your welcome. Yesterday, John
Cochran showed up in the Lincoln bedroom with a roll of quarters.
I said, "John, in those days they didn't have a Magic Fingers
machine."
Barbara woke up at 3 this morning and thought she saw
Lincoln's ghost. It was just Brit Hume in a seersucker suit.
I think we've made progress in the first hundred days.
There's been a bi-partisan budget agreement, a bi-partisan accord
on Contra aid, and 1,400 bi-partisan tours of the family
quarters.
Some of you have suggested I'm cautious of comparisons with
other Presidents' first hundred days. That's nonsense. The next
person who writes that I'm gonna sic my dog Fala
er,
Millie
on them.
Millie is getting so much good press I asked the White House
doctor how long it would take me to grow a tail.
All the good press may be going to Millie's head. Today, we
set out her bowl of Alpo and she asked to see the wine list.
Our puppies have been seen in all your publications. During
the picture sessions, they refused to bark because it was just a
photo opportunity.
One squirrel took a look at the 6 puppies on the lawn and
dipped its chestnut in cyanide.
I like this idea of the TV press having to file their
reports each night on the White House lawn, where the puppies have
6
One unsung hero in the puppies' saga is a male Springer
Spaniel down in Atlanta who was Millie's boyfriend. I'd reveal
his name, only Sam Nunn might accuse him of womanizing.
I'm happy to report that soon the deficit will be a thing of
the past. Dick Darman and I just went halfsies on a Pennsylvania
lottery ticket.
I still find time to watch a little television. I caught
that mini-series "Lonesome Dove." I had thought Lonesome Dove
was the biography of (name of liberal pol or journalist).
We came through an election year. We've seen a lot of
bitterness, decisiveness, name-calling, the sleaze factor. But
enough about Bryant Gumble and Willard Scott.
I've just completed a hundred days in office, or 74 point 6
points of light. of course, your points of light may vary.
A reporter asked me whether I've proceeded too cautiously.
I said, "Could I get back to you on that?"
We're getting mail pro and con on the issue of semi-
automatic weapons. One telegram, from Willard Scott, advocated
Gumble control.
It was Marlin Fitzwater who suggested I install a horseshoe
pit. Marlin was tired of standing there on the lawn while I
tossed ringers around his neck.
When I pitch horseshoes, it sort of hooks toward the
(post) (?). Some of you claim it drifts.
7
I like to pitch horseshoes, although my aim leaves something
to be desired, Barbara insists my horseshoe be included on the
list of assault weapons.
Whenever we can, we are trying to cooperate with the press.
The other day during Brit Hume's live report on the lawn, ABC's
satellite broke down. We let Brit beam his signal off Marlin's
scalp.
If any of you are looking for a job in the Administration,
we still have a few openings. This week, my personnel director,
Chase Untermeyer, received a resume' from Andre Gromyko
Andre got a glasnost golden parachute.
This week, a third of the ruling Communist Party's Central
Committee resigned. Mr. Gorbechev said, "Good Riddance. They
were all Commies."
We bailed out the savings and loan industry. It wasn't
easy. We had to re-tool the U.S. Mint so it could produce
toasters.
We bailed out the savings and loan industry. Just in time.
One savings and loan officer was seen standing on a dock with a
bunch of toasters strapped to his shoes.
This week we went around the country speaking to various
groups. On the flight back to Andrews, we experienced some
turbulence. Turns out it was Peter Ueberroth on the wing waving
his checkbook at our pilot.
8
Peter failed in his bid to buy Eastern Airlines. His
background as baseball commissioner may have gotten in the way.
He wanted to have all planes equipped with spitting and no
spitting sections.
Peter was going to insist that all planes take off from a
squatting position. I'm not sure we want to mix baseball with
the airlines. Can you see Pete Rose sitting in the cockpit
betting the pilot how fast he can land?
Connie Chung and Maury Povitch made a bid to buy the Eastern
Shuttle
and change the name to the Love Connection.
Did you hear the Japanese purchased the Willard Hotel?
They're buying every building in sight. I'm worried. Today at
the White House, they replaced the Executive Mess with a sushi
bar.
Hope you enjoyed your salads. The chef tried a new
dressing
similar to Thousand Island
called Prince William
Sound.
Exxon assures us they've turned the corner in Prince William
sound. I'm not so sure. This will be the first year the salmon
skid upstream.
Lee Atwater just opened another restaurant
this time in
Alaska. It's not doing too well. It only takes Exxon credit
cards.
How many of you know George Washington was considered trendy
and way ahead of his time? It's true. 200 years ago he was
wearing the Barbara Bush cut.
###
WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER
RAY SILLER TEXT (VERBATIM)
Hi, I'm Jim Morris' act.
Hi, my name is Jim Morris, I'd like to do my impression of
President George Bush, and it goes something like this.
(Turn around a la impressionist.)
I get the feeling Jim Morris is about to snuff out some of
my thousand points of light.
With Jim Morris in the room, I sense I'm about to have an
out of body experience.
I've seen Jim Morris' impressions of me. Frankly, I can't
make head or tail out of what he's saying. Jim's syntax is all
twisted.
Remember Jim
kinder and gentler
kinder and
gentler.
Guess I should give you an update on Barbara. She's feeling
fine. She had swallowed that radioactive drink
which
worked out well. Around the White House we used her as a
nightlight.
Her new nickname is "The Three Mile Island Fox. "
Barbara was really thoughtful. She showed up at a Cabinet
meeting and gave us all free dental x-rays.
The polls have Barbara edging me out in popularity.
However, I was voted Mr. Congeniality.
2
After seeing Barbara's standings in the polls, I phoned
Adler's Men's Store and ordered a royal blue suit
and a
triple strand of pearls.
It bothers me, at the end of a press conference, when Helen
Thomas stands up and says, "Thank you, Barbara's Husband."
I asked Barbara what I might do to match her popularity.
She said, "Well, it's George Washington's bicentennial. Maybe
you could rent his old wig. "
Barbara turned down an interview with Charles Bierbauer on
CNN. She heard Ted Turner planned to colorize her hair.
Tomorrow we celebrate the 200th anniversary of George
Washington's Inauguration. I'm not a superstitious man. But I
am grateful 200 years ago they didn't swear in Michael
Washington.
You wonder how successful Washington would be if he were
President today. He'd toss a silver dollar across the Potomac
and they'd accuse him of being reckless with the budget. He'd
chop down the cherry tree and take heat from the Sierra Club.
And when he crossed the Delaware he'd stand up in the boat and
they'd say he was drifting.
Salman Rushdie is still in hiding. He heard Newt Gingrich
is investigating his book sales to the Iranian Teamsters. (Is
that the group Wright sold to?)
Newt Gingrich makes Lee Atwater look like Mother Teresa.
Newt is the only guy whose car has a dashboard statue of
Frank Lorenzo.
3
Salman Rushdie came out of hiding today and admitted he's
the one who read Jim Wright and Salman Rushdie's books.
I was puzzled by the title of Salman Rushdie's book. I
thought the Satanic Verses was anything written by
(name of liberal journalist).
Geraldo Rivera was so successful with his documentary on
Devil Worship he's doing a special on People Who Like Newt
Gingrich.
The new standard of ethics in government has the politicians.
concerned. You can hear them roaming the halls of Congress
singing, "Don't Be Happy
Worry.
"
Have you caught that new movie, "Scandal" about the
Christine Keeler-Profurmo affair? It looked like C-Span's
coverage of the Senate Christmas party.
Some current members of Congress don't measure up to the new
ethical standard. It's discouraging to see them in the cloakroom
trading Michael Milken and Wade Boggs gum cards.
Out at Dulles Airport, 3 Congressmen were spotted boarding a
flight to Alaska to catch Happy Hour on the Exxon Valdez.
George Mitchell asked me, as a favor, to pose for a picture
with one of the new White House Correspondents. Maybe you know
her. Pamella Bordes. (Forgot the last name of that Indian woman
in England whom Jim Wright posed with.)
I need that kind of
photo op like Fitzwater needs hair spray.
4
I see all the major publications represented here tonight.
Time, Newsweek.
(duck head under table)
The National
Enquirer.
The National Enquirer has applied for press credentials. I
want to welcome their new correspondent. Elvis, where are you
sitting?
And by the way, thanks for the Cadillac.
The competition is intense among news magazines. U.S. News
& World Report is coming out with its first annual swimsuit
issue.
I don't know if their public is ready for Mort
Zuckerman in thongs.
Along with the job of White House Correspondent comes a
certain amount of prestige. Over at CBS, the ladies room is now
called "The Leslie Stahl. "
This year, Diane Sawyer will team up with Sam Donaldson.
That's the most unusual pairing since Snow White hooked up with
Rob Lowe.
One of CNN's top anchors defected to NBC. Ted Turner hopes
no one will notice. He's going to make his other star anchor
change his name to Bernard Alice Shaw.
Jerry mentioned I was a fisherman. He asked me my secret
for catching fish. I said I invite them up to the family
quarters for dinner and a movie.
I've had a number of you up to tour the family quarters. By
the way, just in case it ever comes up, I do have photos of you
bouncing on Lincoln's bed. (You might mention specific reporters
here.)
5
Some of you are wearing out your welcome. Yesterday, John
Cochran showed up in the Lincoln bedroom with a roll of quarters.
I said, "John, in those days they didn't have a Magic Fingers
machine."
Barbara woke up at 3 this morning and thought she saw
Lincoln's ghost. It was just Brit Hume in a seersucker suit.
I think we've made progress in the first hundred days.
There's been a bi-partisan budget agreement, a bi-partisan accord
on Contra aid, and 1,400 bi-partisan tours of the family
quarters.
Some of you have suggested I'm cautious of comparisons with
other Presidents' first hundred days. That's nonsense. The next
person who writes that I'm gonna sic my dog Fala
er,
Millie
on them.
Millie is getting so much good press I asked the White House
doctor how long it would take me to grow a tail.
All the good press may be going to Millie's head. Today, we
set out her bowl of Alpo and she asked to see the wine list.
Our puppies have been seen in all your publications. During
the picture sessions, they refused to bark because it was just a
photo opportunity.
One squirrel took a look at the 6 puppies on the lawn and
dipped its chestnut in cyanide.
I like this idea of the TV press having to file their
reports each night on the White House lawn where the puppies have
6
One unsung hero in the puppies' saga is a male Springer
Spaniel down in Atlanta who was Millie's boyfriend. I'd reveal
his name, only Sam Nunn might accuse him of womanizing.
I'm happy to report that soon the deficit will be a thing of
the past. Dick Darman and I just went halfsies on a Pennsylvania
lottery ticket.
I still find time to watch a little television. I caught
that mini-series "Lonesome Dove." I had thought Lonesome Dove
was the biography of (name of liberal pol or journalist).
We came through an election year. We've seen a lot of
bitterness, decisiveness, name-calling, the sleaze factor. But
enough about Bryant Gumble and Willard Scott.
I've just completed a hundred days in office, or 74 point 6
points of light. of course, your points of light may vary.
A reporter asked me whether I've proceeded too cautiously.
I said, "Could I get back to you on that?"
We're getting mail pro and con on the issue of semi-
automatic weapons. One telegram, from Willard Scott, advocated
Gumble control.
It was Marlin Fitzwater who suggested I install a horseshoe
pit. Marlin was tired of standing there on the lawn while I
tossed ringers around his neck.
When I pitch horseshoes, it sort of hooks toward the
(post) (?). Some of you claim it drifts.
7
I like to pitch horseshoes, although my aim leaves something
to be desired, Barbara insists my horseshoe be included on the
list of assault weapons.
Whenever we can, we are trying to cooperate with the press.
The other day during Brit Hume's live report on the lawn, ABC's
satellite broke down. We let Brit beam his signal off Marlin's
scalp.
If any of you are looking for a job in the Administration,
we still have a few openings. This week, my personnel director,
Chase Untermeyer, received a resume' from Andre Gromyko
Andre got a glasnost golden parachute.
This week, a third of the ruling Communist Party's Central
Committee resigned. Mr. Gorbechev said, "Good Riddance. They
were all Commies."
We bailed out the savings and loan industry. It wasn't
easy. We had to re-tool the U.S. Mint so it could produce
toasters.
We bailed out the savings and loan industry. Just in time.
One savings and loan officer was seen standing on a dock with a
bunch of toasters strapped to his shoes.
This week we went around the country speaking to various
groups. On the flight back to Andrews, we experienced some
turbulence. Turns out it was Peter Ueberroth on the wing waving
his checkbook at our pilot.
8
Peter failed in his bid to buy Eastern Airlines. His
background as baseball commissioner may have gotten in the way.
He wanted to have all planes equipped with spitting and no
spitting sections.
Peter was going to insist that all planes take off from a
squatting position. I'm not sure we want to mix baseball with
the airlines. Can you see Pete Rose sitting in the cockpit
betting the pilot how fast he can land?
Connie Chung and Maury Povitch made a bid to buy the Eastern
Shuttle
and change the name to the Love Connection.
Did you hear the Japanese purchased the Willard Hotel?
They're buying every building in sight. I'm worried. Today at
the White House, they replaced the Executive Mess with a sushi
bar.
Hope you enjoyed your salads. The chef tried a new
dressing
similar to Thousand Island
called Prince William
Sound.
Exxon assures us they've turned the corner in Prince William
sound. I'm not so sure. This will be the first year the salmon
skid upstream.
Lee Atwater just opened another restaurant
this time in
Alaska. It's not doing too well. It only takes Exxon credit
cards.
How many of you know George Washington was considered trendy
and way ahead of his time? It's true. 200 years ago he was
wearing the Barbara Bush cut.
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