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Gridiron Dinner 3/28/92 [OA 6100]
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Gridiron Dinner 3/28/92 [OA 6100]
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Originally Processed With FOIA(s):
FOIA Number:
S
S
FOIA
MARKER
This is not a textual record. This is used as an
administrative marker by the George Bush Presidential
Library Staff.
Record Group/Collection:
George H.W. Bush Presidential Records
Collection/Office of Origin:
Speechwriting, White House Office of
Series:
Speech File Draft Files
Subseries:
Chron File, 1989-1993
OA/ID Number:
13614
Folder ID Number:
13614-002
Folder Title:
Gridiron Dinner 3/28/92 [OA 6100]
Stack:
Row:
Section:
Shelf:
Position:
G
26
18
1
1
Lange/Credenza Corps
Draft Six
[GRID6.I DOC]
PRESIDENTIAL REMARKS:
GRIDIRON CLUB DINNER
You know, that closer a few moments ago was the most moving
thing I've seen in over a dozen Gridirons. But I do remember an
inspired moment Barbara and I had, after last year's dinner.
Standing on a windy street corner
she in a trenchcoat with the
collar turned up
her long, flowing red hair blowing in the
wind
and both of us too proud to run after it.
Let me congratulate the new Gridiron President. It's good
to have an intellectual in charge. It took vision to predict
my race would be over after Iowa to say Dukakis would get the
Southern vote
to work for a paper that predicts Daniel Ortega
by 30 points
Speech in the dark? Hell, Broder writes whole
columns in the dark.
That tune about the "Bad, Bad, G.O.P." was a real
toe-tapper. We Republicans are tough -- especially my Chief of
Staff. Down in Cartagena during a lunchtime photo op, we had to
keep saying, "Remember John -- bite the taco, shake the hand
"
Our Press Secretary, he used to be pretty soft. But he's
come a long way from last year, when we went into a clothing
store. Marlin said, "I'd like to see a bathing suit in my size. "
And the clerk said, "So would I."
2
But I think we've got a good team in place. When the phone
rang the other day, Scowcroft ran it through intelligence. Baker
checked everything out. Sununu said take the call. Certainly
worth it. Never thought I'd hear from Elvis again.
What we're still hearing from the White House Press Corps
is, "Where's Brent?" And I'm sensitive to tonight's jokes about
those trips of his. A few weeks ago Brent took a vacation in
Salt Lake City. We told the press about it. But I'll be damned
if I'm gonna put sanctions on Utah.
[LAST ONE:]
Look. Lot of comedians out there. Doing impersonations.
Okay with me. At this juncture, need for balance: somewhere
between caution, and prudence. 11 But natural disasters?
Out of bounds. California earthquake? Not my fault.
San Andreas [an DRAY us] fault.
You know, a few years ago David Broder wrote, "Gridironers
believe that foolishness is its own reward." It's true. Because
the basis of all good humor is a measure of rebellion. And if
we've learned anything from the momentous world events of the
past year, it is the undeniable value of thoughtful dissent.
As the esteemed David -- David Brinkley -- recently said,
"This city is nowhere near as important as it thinks it is."
3
Also true -- but the lesson here shouldn't be about declining
influence, as much as deflating self-importance. Events in
Eastern Europe and around the world have a power of their own --
because of the people and personalities that drive them -- but
above all, because of the power of ideas that compel them.
We may witness the world's upheavals through eyes blurred
with tears, or eyes bright with wonder. But we can know that
because of this idea called America, the world will never be the
same again. And thanks to my best efforts, the English language
may never be the same again either.
Good night -- and God bless you all.
# # #
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 28 1992 1:26PM P01
RAYMOND SILLER
1373 Monument Street
Pacific Palisades, California 90272
(213) 454-1922
TO: Maslis Fitzwater
DATE:
TIME:
FROM:
PLEASE DELIVER THE FOLLOWING 4 PAGES (WHICH INCLUDES
THIS COVER LETTER) TO:
FAX #:
CONFIRMATION #:
ADDITIONAL MESSAGE:
Notes on Iredin
slus more "inoult "liness
IF YOU DON'T RECEIVE ALL THE PAGES, OR IF YOU WANT TO FAX A
DOCUMENT, CALL (213) 573-2020. THANK YOU!
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 28 1992 1:27PM P02
1
NOTES ON TARMAC LINES
First line, "Ich bin" makes no sense. It worked as joke I
submitted, but is forced here. It may be fixed if rewritten
as:
A MICHIGAN SOUND BITE PAT BUCHANAN WOULD LIKE TO TAKE BACK
Ich bin ein Mercedes owner.
The "que sera" line is weak. It should at least be re-done
as "What's the Spanish phrase for "Read my lips"? But it
doesn't really make it.
The "scud, stud, Fudd" line isn't strong, is a bit mean-
spirited, and obvious. Plus, there's a rhyming joke coming
up later. Audience should only hear one rhyming joke in the
batch, and the "crock" line is better. If you want a better
Tsongas joke, do my Santa Claus line.
The "Wheel of Fortune" line is good, but again, the second
part should be a declarative sentence a la Carnacs. It
should read:
"Name a game show, a talk show, and a no show".
The "three new inventions" and "turtleneck" lines are not
strong, you should consider replacing.
Carnac usually ends with a rhyming joke. It's usally the one
that gets applause, gets you off.
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 28 1992 1:27PM P03
- 2-
Ten Tarmacs are enough. There are lines that need to be cut.
TARMAC SAVERS
May your annual physical be given by Dr. Kevorkian.
May you choke on a silver foot.
May you get trapped in a Senate elevator with Brock Adams.
May you phone a 900 number for a date and get Tammy Faye
Bakker.
May the press find the flower you're watering in your garden
is Gennifer.
Tarmac not need this. Just got job as Gene McCarthy's
handler.
May your niece come out of a cake at Ted Kennedy's (Yassar
Arafat's) bachelor party.
May a diseased yak leave a souvenir in your tube socks.
May you be forced to carpool between Rush Limbaugh and Al
Sharpton. (Nina Totenberg and Al Simpson)
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 28 1992 1:28PM P04
3
May your X-rays reveal a Newt in your Gingrich.
May your dinner companion at Benihana be Fritz Hollings.
May a crazed tribe of bedouins pitch camp under your tails.
May you discover 43 references in Geraldo's book to your
sister.
THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON
March 27, 1992
INFORMATION
MEMORANDUM FOR THE PRESIDENT
FROM:
DAVID DEMARES
SUBJECT:
GRIDIRON IDEA
Instead of your traditional stand-up routine at the Gridiron
Dinner, please consider the following idea for your appearance.
You could do a little role playing -- i.e., a parody of Johnny
Carson's "Carnac the Magnificent" character. You would play the
role of Tarmac the Magnificent and Marlin Fitzwater would be your
second banana, Ed McMahon.
A scenario for the skit and possible jokes are attached.
Proposed Format for "Great Tarmac" Presentation
- A toast will be made in your honor.
- You will proceed to the podium and acknowledge some of the
individuals at the head table.
[While you speak, Marlin will sneak back stage.]
POTUS:
Thank you, thank you for that kind introduction.
Mr. Vice President, members of the cabinet
fellow
insiders
For the second time in a year I nearly lost consciousness
during dinner. Thank god none of those skits were funded by
the NEA, try selling that to the taxpayer.
My respects to the folks here at the head table.
I see my Attorney General. Bill, saw your profile in the
Post. thought they went to far when they said you looked
like you were "forced into a suit against your will". You
may be boyish but your not "pudgy". Marlin - now there's
pudgy.
My good friend Nick Brady, adding that common touch to the
head table. Nick, I heard about your latest effort to save
the economy. When Marla threw her gold ring at Donald, Nick
dove for it. With this deficit, every ounce counts.
- Bill Farish will hand you a note, at this point. You will
excuse yourself for a moment and go behind stage.
- Marlin returns to podium and laments how there has been some
confusion and that you have been detained. He will then indicate
that there is a presidential designee.
Marlin:
Ladies and Gentlemen, I am pleased to welcome the great one,
the seer of the unknown, the wisest in the land, a world
traveler, a former young Republicans groupy and former
baggage handler for Air Sununu
Ladies and
Gentlemen
TARMAC THE MAGNIFICENT!
-
You appear wearing a turban and a cape.
- Marlin continues to speak.
Marlin:
I have in my hand questions that have been hermetically
sealed in this jar, kept as secure as any taxpayers money in
the House Bank -- since noon Oh great one we need you to
shed some light on this mangy looking group of lost souls.
If you would please
[Marlin hands you the first card and
you hold the card to your forehead]
- You continue reading the jokes as explained.
Thank you, thank you for that kind introduction.
Mr. Vice President, members of the cabinet
fellow
insiders
For the second time in a year I nearly lost consciousness
during dinner.
Sitting through a Gridiron has always been my second
favorite fantasy. My favorite fantasy is to spend an entire year
in Biosphere 2 with the Mclaughlin Group.
Thank God none of those skits were funded by the NEA, try
selling that to the taxpayer.
My respects to the folks up here at the head table.
I see my Attorney General. Bill, saw your profile in the
Post. Thought they went too far when they said you looked like
you were "forced into a suit against your will" You may be
boyish but your not "pudgy". Marlin - now there's pudgy.
My good friend Nick Brady, adding that common touch to the
head table. Nick, I heard about your latest effort to save the
economy. When Marla threw her gold ring at Donald, Nick dove for
it. With this deficit, every ounce counts.
(Take a Sip of Water) Excuse me, Ann [Richards]. Silver
foot went down the wrong way.
Gen. Scowcroft
effervescing as usual.
Dick Cheney did a great job with operation Desert Storm
not so sure about Operation Big Splash.
New Secretary of Transportation, Andy Card (?)
Congratulations to Alan Simpson - new feminist poster boy.
Jerry Brown, is he up here somewhere? Don't see him. Too
bad, would have liked to have seen him in that white tie and
turtleneck.
And of course, my respects to the Silver Fox. No red hairdo
tonight. Seriously, to do what she does for the country, her
campaign against illiteracy, working with so many issues, she's
been a terrific first lady who's raised a terrific family.
(pause for applause) And she bakes some of the best cookies
you've ever tasted.
Some of the entertainment tonight reminded me of my visit to
the Country Music Awards. Heard Garth Brooks down there. Seen
Garth Brooks on the cover of Time. Garth Brooks is a friend of
mine. Lamar, you are no Garth Brooks.
Lane, good to see you tonight. You know, one of the
tabloids is working on a story about Lane Kirkland and three
members of the International Ladies Garment Workers Union
Lane
says he was just trying to "look for the label".
A lot's happened since the last Gridiron -- Cosmonaut Sergi
Krikalev returned to earth after ten months in orbit. What must
have gone through his mind when he saw the dramatic changes in
less than a year. The collapse of the Soviet Union, Gorbachev
out of power, Yeltsin in charge
super market scanners.
Boy, poor Boris Yeltsin. There's a guy truly under siege -
- taking shots from his right and his left -- his popularity in
the tank -- presiding over an economy on the skids. Whew! Am I
glad I'm not in his shoes.
Speaking of hard times, let me just say one thing tonight
before I go any further. Not my recession -- out of the country.
Tom Foley's had a rough couple of weeks. Asked him how he
was going to handle it all. He said "Mr. President, I'm going to
Disney World!"
Tom mentioned he was going to get rid of some those
ostentatious perks that Congress has. No more freebies at the
pharmacy, no more free passes to the Health Club and no free
rubdowns from the House Masseuse -- Ty Collins.
Jack Germond, at it again. I didn't think there was
anything that could top last year's Energizer Bunny Suit. Until
I saw him backstage in his new Speedo!
This political year has been pretty exciting. It's got
something for everyone -- sex, drugs, and rock and roll. And
that's just the Clinton campaign.
I'm am concerned though about what are kids are seeing on
the tube -- all this violence -- like the Clinton-Brown debates.
Did you see the last one? It was produced by Don King.
Bill Clinton replaced one of his handlers with a cut man.
But it's not just Bill and Jerry, candidates from both
parties have engaged in vicious name-calling
like "corrupt",
"liar", "hypocrite", "incumbent".
And no one is immune from campaign gaffes. I really think
that Pat Buchanan may have hurt himself in Michigan when he
started his speech with, "Ich bin ein Mercedes owner".
But there has been some interesting new technology -- got to
give Jerry Brown a lot of credit for his success with that 1-800
number. of course I don't quite get Clinton's [ flip over card
that reads: 1-976-CLINTON.] But I hear he's getting a lot of
calls.
Others are following in his footsteps. Pat's was a flop:
[flip over card that reads 1-800-MER-CEDES) and my very own Dick
Darman -- looking for help on reducing the deficit [flip over
card 1-800-BIG-DICK] [ Ok maybe 1-800-END-PORK ]
CONCLUSION
Other jokes that you marked that didn't pass our scientifically
selected laugh sample:
Paul Tsongas pulled out of the race. The other candidates
are relieved. It was distracting debating a man who reeked of
chlorine.
This year's political commercials have been ugly. The only
thing worse would be the pictures from Yassar Arafat's wedding
night.
And what about that Ross Perot. It seems he may be a little
out of touch with the average American. He wants Greenpeace to
declare the polo pony an endangered species.
Ross has the only penny loafers with Krugerrands.
Last week he tossed a tax-free municipal bond across the
Potomac.
Jerry Brown has an abrasive personality. He's the only
.
person ever to make Mother Teresa's enemies list.
The press no longer tries to hide its preference for liberal
politicians. Last night there was a bachelor party for Ted
Kennedy
and Sarah McLendon popped out of the cake.
THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON
March 27, 1992
MEMORANDUM TO THE PRESIDENT
Gt
From: DAVID F. DEMAREST, JR.
Subject: GRIDIRON PROPOSAL
Per our conversation this morning, I have revised the format
for the Gridiron speech and included some additional jokes with
this package. I have also included the dialogue for the opening
and closing comments.
Proposed Format for "Great Tarmac" Presentation
- A toast will be made in your honor.
- Then Dan Thomasson will say "I have learned the President will
not be speaking this evening. I have been asked to turn over the
program to Marlin Fitzwater.' "
- Marlin will proceed to the podium and introduce TARMAC THE
MAGNIFICENT. See dialogue.
-
TARMAC THE MAGNIFICENT appears wearing a cape.
- Marlin continues to speak. See dialogue.
- Marlin will hand you a joke in a sealed envelope. [The joke
will be written out on the back of the envelope and a list will
also be provided for you on the podium.] You will hold the
envelope up in the air, close to your forehead and read it.
Marlin, at this point, may repeat what you say, similar to Ed
McMahon. You will open the envelope, blow into the envelope, and
read the card.
- There may be an occasion where a joke does not get the most
enthusiastic response. In this case you will have the option to
chide the audience. We will provide short quips/jokes that you
can choose from. As well as a list of quips to use when Marlin
gets out of line.
A:
The ideal Detroit, Michigan sound bite.
Q:
"Ich bin ein Mercedes owner."
A:
Saddam Hussein, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Paul Tsongas.
Q:
A scud, a stud, and a Fudd.
A:
Wheel of Fortune, McLaughlin Group, and Mario Cuomo.
A game show, a talk show, and a no show.
A:
Dante's Inferno.
Q:
A year in Biosphere 2 with the McLaughlin Group.
A:
Sara McClendon and Jack Germond.
Q:
What two people would you not want to see dancing the
Lambada?
A:
Hans, Franz, and Adolf.
Q:
Pat Buchanan's three favorite auto mechanics.
A:
Russian cpaitalism, Reebok pumps, supermarket scanners.
Q:
Name three new inventions in 1992.
A:
Gallapagos Islands, National Aquarium, and Jerry Brown.
&
Three places where you'll find a lot of turtlenecks.
A:
Jenny Craig and Betty Crocker.
Q:
The two leading ladies in Marlin's life.
LAST ONE
A:
Que sera, sera.
Q:
French, for "Read my lips".
JABS AT MARLIN
-- lean cuisine breath
-- toupee-less one
-- snack-sneaking snowball
-- man of a thousand and one inches
-- my full-figured flack
GROANER COMEBACKS
-- may your Nielsens match my polls
-- may your first-born daughter fall in love with a
Congressman
--- may you be reincarnated as an NEA Chairman
-- may you contract terminal writer's block
-- may you ride shotgun to New Jersey with John Sununu
mark
GRIDIRON DINNER
SATURDAY, MARCH 28, 1992
MARLIN: Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry that the President
will not be speaking to you this evening. However, we have a
friend and travelling companion of the President's. Let me now
introduce a very special visitor from the East. He is retiring
in May, and is making his farewell tour. I am speaking of the
all-knowing, all omniscient. Famous seer, sage, and soothsayer.
And former baggage handler for Air Sununu. TARMAC
THE
MAGNIFICENT.
I hold in my hand the envelopes. A child of four can see
they are hermetically sealed. They have been kept in a
mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnall's porch since noon today. NO
ONE knows the content of these envelopes. But you, in your
mystical and borderline divine way, will ascertain the answer
having never before heard the question. Is that correct, oh holy
sage?
PRESIDENT: You're padding your part, elephant breath
Envelope number one.
MARLIN: Funk and Wagnall's porch.
Noon today.
MARLIN: I hold in my hand the last envelope.
{After cheering}
PRESIDENT: May your first born daughter marry a Congressman
and may your Nielsen ratings match my polls.
Proposed Format for "Great Tarmac" Presentation
- A toast will be made in your honor.
- You will proceed to the podium and acknowledge some of the
individuals at the head table.
[While you speak, Marlin will sneak back stage. ]
POTUS:
Thank you, thank you for that kind introduction.
Mr. Vice President, members of the cabinet
fellow
insiders
For the second time in a year I nearly lost consciousness
during dinner. Thank god none of those skits were funded by
the NEA, try selling that to the taxpayer.
My respects to the folks here at the head table.
I see my Attorney General. Bill, saw your profile in the
Post. thought they went to far when they said you looked
like you were "forced into a suit against your will". You
may be boyish but your not "pudgy". Marlin - now there's
pudgy.
My good friend Nick Brady, adding that common touch to the
head table. Nick, I heard about your latest effort to save
the economy. When Marla threw her gold ring at Donald, Nick
dove for it. With this deficit, every ounce counts.
- Bill Farish will hand you a note, at this point. You will
excuse yourself for a moment and go behind stage.
- Marlin returns to podium and laments how there has been some
confusion and that you have been detained. He will then indicate
that there is a presidential designee.
Marlin:
Ladies and Gentlemen, I am pleased to welcome the great one,
the seer of the unknown, the wisest in the land, a world
traveler, a former young Republicans groupy and former
baggage handler for Air Sununu
Ladies and
Gentlemen
TARMAC THE MAGNIFICENT!
-
You appear wearing a turban and a cape.
- Marlin continues to speak.
Marlin:
I have in my hand questions that have been hermetically
sealed in this jar, kept as secure as any taxpayers money in
the House Bank -- since noon Oh great one we need you to
shed some light on this mangy looking group of lost souls.
If you would please
[Marlin hands you the first card and
you hold the card to your forehead]
- You continue reading the jokes as explained.
THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON
Proposed Format for "Great Tarmac" Presentation
- A toast will be made in your honor.
- Then Dan Thomasson will say "I have learned the President will
not be speaking this evening. I have been asked to turn over the
program to Marlin Fitzwater."
- Marlin will proceed to the podium and introduce TARMAC THE
MAGNIFICENT. See dialogue.
- TARMAC THE MAGNIFICENT appears wearing a turban and a cape.
- Marlin continues to speak. See dailogue.
- Marlin will hand you a joke in a sealed envelope. [The joke
will be written out on the back of the envelope and a list will
also be provided for you on the podium.] You will hold the
envelope up in the air, close to your forehead and read it.
Marlin, at this point, may repeat what you say, similar to Ed
McMahon. You will open the envelope, blow into the envelope, and
read the card.
- There may be an occassion where a joke does not get the most
enthusiastic response. In this case you will have the option to
chide the audience. We will provide short quips/jokes that you
can choose from. As well as a list of quips to use when Marlin
gets out of line.
A:
The ideal Detroit, Michigan sound bite.
Q:
"Ich bin ein Mercedes owner."
A:
Saddam Hussein, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Paul Tsongas.
Q:
A scud, a stud, and a Fudd.
A:
Wheel of Fortune, McLaughlin Group, and Mario Cuomo.
Q:
A game show, a talk show, and a no show.
A:
Dante's Inferno.
Q:
A year in Biosphere 2 with the McLaughlin Group.
A:
Sara McClendon and Jack Germond.
What two people would you not want to see dancing the
Lambada?
A:
Hans, Franz, and Adolf.
::
Pat Buchanan's three favorite auto mechanics.
A:
Russian cpaitalism, Reebok pumps, supermarket scanners.
Q:
Name three new inventions in 1992.
A:
Gallapagos Islands, National Aquarium, and Jerry Brown.
Q:
Three places where you'll find a lot of turtlenecks.
A:
Jenny Craig and Betty Crocker.
Q:
The two leading ladies in Marlin's life.
LAST ONE
A:
Que sera, sera.
Q:
French, for "Read my lips".
JABS AT MARLIN
-- lean cuisine breath
-- toupee-less one
-- snack-sneaking snowball
-- man of a thousand and one inches
-- my full-figured flack
GROANER COMEBACKS
-- may your Nielsens match my polls
-- may your first-born daughter fall in love with a
Congressman
-- may you be reincarnated as an NEA Chairman
-- may you contract terminal writer's block
-- may you ride shotgun to New Jersey with John Sununu
Frc
:
RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 28 1992 1:09PM P01
RAYMOND SILLER
1373 Monument Street
Pacific Palisades, California 90272
(213) 454-1922
TO: David Demarest
DATE:
TIME:
FROM:
PLEASE DELIVER THE FOLLOWING 4 PAGES (WHICH INCLUDES
THIS COVER LETTER) TO:
FAX #:
CONFIRMATION #:
ADDITIONAL MESSAGE: Notes on Fredion
ples A few "ensult" lines.
IF YOU DON'T RECEIVE ALL THE PAGES, OR IF YOU WANT TO FAX A
DOCUMENT, CALL (213) 573-2020. THANK YOU!
Fro
RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 28 1992 1:10PM P02.
-
1
NOTES ON TARMAC LINES
First line, "Ich bin" makes no sense. It worked as joke I
submitted, but is forced here. It may be fixed if rewritten
as:
A MICHIGAN SOUND BITE PAT BUCHANAN WOULD LIKE TO TAKE BACK
Ich bin ein Mercedes owner.
The "que sera" line is weak. It should at least be re-done
as "What's the Spanish phrase for "Read my lips"? But it
doesn't really make it.
The "scud, stud, Fudd" line isn't strong, is a bit mean-
spirited, and obvious. Plus, there's a rhyming joke coming
up later. Audience should only hear one rhyming joke in the
batch, and the "crock" line is better. If you want a better
Tsongas joke, do my Santa Claus line.
The "Wheel of Fortune" line is good, but again, the second
part should be a declarative sentence a la Carnacs. It
should read:
"Name a game show, a talk show, and a no show".
The "three new inventions" and "turtleneck" lines are not
strong, you should consider replacing.
Carnac usually ends with a rhyming joke. It's usally the one
that gets applause, gets you off.
From
:
RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 28 1992 1:10PM P03
- 2-
Ten Tarmacs are enough. There are lines that need to be cut.
TARMAC SAVERS
May your annual physical be given by Dr. Kevorkian.
May you choke on a silver foot.
May you get trapped in a Senate elevator with Brock Adams.
May you phone a 900 number for a date and get Tammy Faye
Bakker.
May the press find the flower you're watering in your garden
is Gennifer.
Tarmac not need this. Just got job as Gene McCarthy's
handler.
May your niece come out of a cake at Ted Kennedy's (Yassar
Arafat's) bachelor party.
May a diseased yak leave a souvenir in your tube socks.
May you be forced to carpool between Rush Limbaugh and Al
Sharpton. (Nina Totenberg and Al simpson)
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 28 1992 1:11PM P04
- -3- 3 -
May your X-rays reveal a Newt in your Gingrich.
May your dinner companion at Benihana be Fritz Hollings.
May a crazed tribe of bedouins pitch camp under your tails.
wit Chambatain
May you discover 43 references in Geraldo's book to your
sister.
THE WHITE HOUSE
wAShINGTON
March 27, 1992
INFORMATION
MEMORANDUM FOR THE PRESIDENT
FROM:
DAVID DEMAREST
SUBJECT:
GRIDIRON IDEA
Instead of your traditional stand-up routine at the Gridiron
Dinner, please consider the following idea for your appearance.
You could do a little role playing -- i.e., a parody of Johnny
Carson's "Carnac the Magnificent" character. You would play the
role of Tarmac the Magnificent and Marlin Fitzwater would be your
second banana, Ed McMahon.
A scenario for the skit and possible jokes are attached.
THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON
March 23, 1992
MEMORANDUM FOR DAVID DEMAREST
FROM:
MICHELE NIX MN
SUBJECT:
GRIDIRON DINNER
Here's the poopski so far: POTUS will address the Gridiron
Club on Monday at the end of the evening's program. The program
is set up as follows:
The festivities begin with the traditional Speech in the
Dark by the Club's new president, Dan K. Thomasson of
Scripps-Howard (and Andy Ferguson's old boss). (Last year's
president was "Budge" Sperling of the Christian Science
Monitor.
Marine Band enters, plays, exits
Opening musical number
Recognitions
Install the new president (Edgar Allen Poe of New
Orleans Time-Picayune presents ivory gavel to
Thomasson)
Introduce new members
Acknowledge some member of the audience
Democratic skit (20-30 minutes of song and dance)
Democratic response by Ann Richards (boo)
Republican skit (another 20-30 minutes of song and dance)
Republican response by Lamar Alexander (yea). Thomasson
told me that Alexander is probably going to steal the show
with what he's planning -- but he didn't want to tell me
what that was. We should be joke-prepared.)
Closing musical number
Toast to the President ("In 107 years, the Gridiron Club has
had but one toast -- 'Ladies and Gentleman -- to the
President of the United States!"
SENT BY:Xerox Telecopier 7020 ; 3-26-92 :11:10AM ;
4562983;# 2
March 25, 1992
Dave --
Dan Thomasson is holding tight to the rehearsal book -- because
they're still rewriting.
So I called somebody else with the Gridiron -- the Gridiron
sheriff. He said he'd try and get me one of the final books --
due back from the printer today.
In the meantime, he gave me a quick run-through of the
songs.
REPUBLICAN SKIT:
(Held on top floor of Macy's Department Store -- the players try
to put together the Macy's Parade, but since they're in Chapter
11, they end up with a very ragged parade.)
Songs:
"Darman" singing "Forget Your Troubles, Come on Get Happy."
About the Soviets -- "Breaking Up is Hard to Do"
About Saddam -- "The Rain in Spain" as sung by four coneheads
(SNL variety)
About the Japanese car industry "Surry with the Fringe on Top"
About POTUS' flu -- song about Oliver Stone investigation of the
puking incident
About Buchanan -- "Man from La Mancha"
Bart Simpson singing to Lamar character "Teach Me Tonight" re
education system
DEMOCRATIC SKIT
All those who didn't run -- Cuomo, Gore, Gephardt, Benson
singing:
"No More Dolls" re Clinton's happy pants
"Good 01' Reliable Congress"
Song about Clarence Thomas
SENT BY:Xerox Telecopier 7020 ; 3-26-92 :11:11AM ;
4562983;# 3
"Sleeze" re press reporting second hand sleeze recycled from
tabloid press
Health Care song - a witch doctor singing and dancing
Ted Kennedy song - first a song about him boozing it up and
getting fresh with the girls -- and then the song "I'm Getting
Married in the Morning"
About Jerry Brown -- the Energizer Bunny (supposed to be Brown)
comes out with voice over saying "There's Jerry Brown -- he's
still running и One side of the drum says "Jerry Brown for
President" and the other side has "1-800-MONEY."
About Clinton: Clinton character dressed as Elvis singing to the
press "You Ain't Nothin' but a Hounddog." And then sings "Love
Me Tender, Democrats."
Helen Thomas plays Ann Richards singing about herself -- makes
reference of silver foot.
THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON
March 27, 1992
MEMORANDUM TO THE PRESIDENT
GA
From: DAVID F. DEMAREST, JR.
Subject: GRIDIRON PROPOSAL
Per our conversation this morning, I have revised the format
for the Gridiron speech and included some additional jokes with
this package. I have also included the dialogue for the opening
and closing comments.
Proposed Format for "Great Tarmac" Presentation
- A toast will be made in your honor.
- Then Dan Thomasson will say "I have learned the President will
not be speaking this evening. I have been asked to turn over the
program to Marlin Fitzwater."
- Marlin will proceed to the podium and introduce TARMAC THE
MAGNIFICENT. See dialogue.
- TARMAC THE MAGNIFICENT appears wearing a cape.
- Marlin continues to speak. See dialogue.
- Marlin will hand you a joke in a sealed envelope. [The joke
will be written out on the back of the envelope and a list will
also be provided for you on the podium. You will hold the
envelope up in the air, close to your forehead and read it.
Marlin, at this point, may repeat what you say, similar to Ed
McMahon. You will open the envelope, blow into the envelope, and
read the card.
- There may be an occasion where a joke does not get the most
enthusiastic response. In this case you will have the option to
chide the audience. We will provide short quips/jokes that you
can choose from. As well as a list of quips to use when Marlin
gets out of line.
A:
The ideal Detroit, Michigan sound bite.
Q:
"Ich bin ein Mercedes owner."
A:
Saddam Hussein, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Paul Tsongas.
Q:
A scud, a stud, and a Fudd.
A:
Wheel of Fortune, McLaughlin Group, and Mario Cuomo.
Q:
A game show, a talk show, and a no show.
A:
Dante's Inferno.
Q:
A year in Biosphere 2 with the McLaughlin Group.
A:
Sara McClendon and Jack Germond.
::
What two people would you not want to see dancing the
Lambada?
A:
Hans, Franz, and Adolf.
Q:
Pat Buchanan's three favorite auto mechanics.
A:
Russian cpaitalism, Reebok pumps, supermarket scanners.
::
Name three new inventions in 1992.
A:
Gallapagos Islands, National Aquarium, and Jerry Brown.
Q:
Three places where you'll find a lot of turtlenecks.
A:
Jenny Craig and Betty Crocker.
::
The two leading ladies in Marlin's life.
LAST ONE
A:
Que sera, sera.
Q:
French, for "Read my lips".
JABS AT MARLIN
-- lean cuisine breath
-- toupee-less one
-- snack-sneaking snowball
-- man of a thousand and one inches
-- my full-figured flack
GROANER COMEBACKS
-- may your Nielsens match my polls
-- may your first-born daughter fall in love with a
Congressman
-- may you be reincarnated as an NEA Chairman
-- may you contract terminal writer's block
-- may you ride shotgun to New Jersey with John Sununu
mont
GRIDIRON DINNER
SATURDAY, MARCH 28, 1992
MARLIN: Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry that the President
will not be speaking to you this evening. However, we have a
friend and travelling companion of the President's. Let me now
introduce a very special visitor from the East. He is retiring
in May, and is making his farewell tour. I am speaking of the
all-knowing, all omniscient. Famous seer, sage, and soothsayer.
And former baggage handler for Air Sununu. TARMAC
THE
MAGNIFICENT.
I hold in my hand the envelopes. A child of four can see
they are hermetically sealed. They have been kept in a
mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnall's porch since noon today. NO
ONE knows the content of these envelopes. But you, in your
mystical and borderline divine way, will ascertain the answer
having never before heard the question. Is that correct, oh holy
sage?
PRESIDENT: You're padding your part, elephant breath
Envelope number one.
MARLIN: Funk and Wagnall's porch.
Noon today.
MARLIN: I hold in my hand the last envelope.
{After cheering}
PRESIDENT: May your first born daughter marry a Congressman
and may your Nielsen ratings match my polls.
A:
The ideal Detroit, Michigan sound bite.
Q:
"Ich bin ein Mercedes owner."
A:
Saddam Hussein, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Paul Tsongas.
Q:
A scud, a stud, and a Fudd.
A:
Wheel of Fortune, McLaughlin Group, and Mario Cuomo.
Q:
A game show, a talk show, and a no show.
A:
Dante's Inferno.
O:
A year in Biosphere 2 with the McLaughlin Group.
A:
Sara McClendon and Jack Germond.
Q:
What two people would you not want to see dancing the
Lambada?
A:
Hans, Franz, and Adolf.
Q:
Pat Buchanan's three favorite auto mechanics.
A:
Russian cpaitalism, Reebok pumps, supermarket scanners.
Q:
Name three new inventions in 1992.
A:
Gallapagos Islands, National Aquarium, and Jerry Brown.
Q:
Three places where you'll find a lot of turtlenecks.
A:
Jenny Craig and Betty Crocker.
Q:
The two leading ladies in Marlin's life.
LAST ONE
A:
Que sera, sera.
Q:
French, for "Read my lips".
THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON
March 27, 1992
MEMORANDUM TO THE PRESIDENT
Gg
From: DAVID F. DEMAREST, JR.
Subject: GRIDIRON PROPOSAL
Per our conversation this morning, I have revised the format
for the Gridiron speech and included some additional jokes with
this package. I have also included the dialogue for the opening
and closing comments.
Proposed Format for "Great Tarmac" Presentation
- A toast will be made in your honor.
- Then Dan Thomasson will say "I have learned the President will
not be speaking this evening. I have been asked to turn over the
program to Marlin Fitzwater."
- Marlin will proceed to the podium and introduce TARMAC THE
MAGNIFICENT. See dialogue.
- TARMAC THE MAGNIFICENT appears wearing a cape.
- Marlin continues to speak. See dialogue.
- Marlin will hand you a joke in a sealed envelope. [The joke
will be written out on the back of the envelope and a list will
also be provided for you on the podium.] You will hold the
envelope up in the air, close to your forehead and read it.
Marlin, at this point, may repeat what you say, similar to Ed
McMahon. You will open the envelope, blow into the envelope, and
read the card.
- There may be an occasion where a joke does not get the most
enthusiastic response. In this case you will have the option to
chide the audience. We will provide short quips/jokes that you
can choose from. As well as a list of quips to use when Marlin
gets out of line.
A:
The ideal Detroit, Michigan sound bite.
::
"Ich bin ein Mercedes owner."
A:
Saddam Hussein, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Paul Tsongas.
Q:
A scud, a stud, and a Fudd.
A:
Wheel of Fortune, McLaughlin Group, and Mario Cuomo.
Q:
A game show, a talk show, and a no show.
A:
Dante's Inferno.
Q:
A year in Biosphere 2 with the McLaughlin Group.
A:
Sara McClendon and Jack Germond.
Q:
What two people would you not want to see dancing the
Lambada?
A:
Hans, Franz, and Adolf.
Q:
Pat Buchanan's three favorite auto mechanics.
A:
Russian cpaitalism, Reebok pumps, supermarket scanners.
Q:
Name three new inventions in 1992.
A:
Gallapagos Islands, National Aquarium, and Jerry Brown.
Q:
Three places where you'll find a lot of turtlenecks.
A:
Jenny Craig and Betty Crocker.
Q:
The two leading ladies in Marlin's life.
LAST ONE
A:
Que sera, sera.
&
French, for "Read my lips".
JABS AT MARLIN
-- lean cuisine breath
-- toupee-less one
-- snack-sneaking snowball
-- man of a thousand and one inches
-- my full-figured flack
GROANER COMEBACKS
-- may your Nielsens match my polls
-- may your first-born daughter fall in love with a
Congressman
-- may you be reincarnated as an NEA Chairman
-- may you contract terminal writer's block
-- may you ride shotgun to New Jersey with John Sununu
month
GRIDIRON DINNER
SATURDAY, MARCH 28, 1992
MARLIN: Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry that the President
will not be speaking to you this evening. However, we have a
friend and travelling companion of the President's. Let me now
introduce a very special visitor from the East. He is retiring
in May, and is making his farewell tour. I am speaking of the
all-knowing, all omniscient. Famous seer, sage, and soothsayer.
And former baggage handler for Air Sununu. TARMAC
THE
MAGNIFICENT.
I hold in my hand the envelopes. A child of four can see
they are hermetically sealed. They have been kept in a
mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnall's porch since noon today. NO
ONE knows the content of these envelopes. But you, in your
mystical and borderline divine way, will ascertain the answer
having never before heard the question. Is that correct, oh holy
sage?
PRESIDENT: You're padding your part, elephant breath
...
Envelope number one.
MARLIN: Funk and Wagnall's porch.
Noon today.
MARLIN: I hold in my hand the last envelope.
{After cheering}
PRESIDENT: May your first born daughter marry a Congressman
and may your Nielsen ratings match my polls.
FOR RELEASE AT 6 P.M. EST SATURDAY, MARCH 28, 1992
NOTE; SONG LYRICS ATTACHED
FOR QUESTIONS: CALL PENNY DIXON 202 639-5480
GRIDIRON DINNER
WASHINGTON--The 107-year-old Gridiron Club of Washington
newspaper men and women held its annual politically-satirical song
and dance white-tie dinner Saturday night at the Capital Hilton
Hotel.
President and Mrs. Bush were among the administration,
cabinet, congressional, judicial, military, diplomatic,
gubernatorial, labor, industrial and journalistic guests in
attendance at the annual dinner. President Bush is the 18th
consecutive president to attend a Gridiron Dinner since Benjamin
Harrison attended his first on Jan. 30, 1892.
Other head table guests at the dinner included Secretary of
State James A. Baker 3d, Secretary of Defense Dick Cheney,
Secretary of the Treasury Nicholas F. Brady, Attorney General
William Barr, Associate Supreme Court Justice Harry Blackmun,
Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Gen. Colin Powell and the
dean of the diplomatic corps, Shaikh Saud Nasir Al-Sabh, Ambassador
of Kuwait.
Notable guests included CIA Director Robert Gates, GOP
presidential candidate Patrick J. Buchanan and former Democratic
Sen. Paul Tsongas.
Gridiron President Dan Thomasson of Scripps-Howard delivered
the traditional ''speech in the dark'' to the club members and
their guests. He said that Dallas billionaire Ross Perot had been
asked to finance the dinner "but he said he might need all his
money this year. Therefore, we were forced to negotiate a grant
from Japan. So, Mr. President, the dinner is on Mr. Miyazawa.'
President Thomasson took note of Vice President Dan Quayle's
absence from the dinner, telling the crowd he was busy at work on
his golf game--''one of his handicaps.
The skits lampooning the Democrats and the Republicans are the
centerpiece of all Gridiron affairs. This year's show was produced
by music chairman Phillip Geyelin of the Washington Post. The skit
producers were Richard Cooper of the Los Angeles Times and Alan S.
Emory of the Watertown Daily Times.
The Democratic skit highlighted the party's dilemma in finding
a presidential candidate this year, took a punch at Congress and
outlined the bad year for Sen. Edward Kennedy. It compared the
Democrats to the gamblers and horse players in the 1950 musical
"Guys and Dolls."
Arkansas Gov. Bill Clinton made his case for the nomination to
the tune of ''Love Me Tender'':
'''m the nominee for you,
Cleansed of lust and sin.
Love me tender, I'll be true--
As I've always been.'
''I've always been a patriot,
This is no new leaf.
Draft me for my fav'rite spot:
Commander-in-Chief.'
The Congress took its lumps to the melody "The House I Live In.'
"The House we live in is more than just a bank
It's a monumental tribute to the privilege of rank.
A parking space for members--no tickets and no fee.
The right to be elitist--that's America to me.
The place we work in is more than just a dome.
It takes a heap of free-bees to make this House a home.
Free travel when we're jaded, exotic sights to see.
While ripping off the public--that's America to me.
As for Senator Kennedy, he was featured in the "Ted Kennedy Blues.
''It's three o'clock in the morning,
Time we go out for a beer.
Au Bar's the place we are heading,
Plenty of action down there.
We'll bring us back some girlies,
Just for a romp by the sea,
If anything's done that is naughty--
You'll never prove it by me.
The Republican skit featured the GOP take-over of Macy's department
store as a demonstration of its new economic growth plan. The opener needled
Richard Darman, the Bush administration's budget director, to the song '`Get
Happy.
'Forget your troubles and just get happy,
We're gonna chase all your blues away.
Sing Hallelujah, come on, get happy--
No recession we can see today.
You lost your job? Well, come on, get happy.
We've got a program to ease your pains.
And for the poor it is really snappy'
So they can keep all their cap'tal gains.
Presidential candidate Pat Buchanan was on the griddle to the tune of
Man of La Mancha.
`Listen up, ye apostles of true isolation,
The wisdom I bring from TV.
I'll get rid of all Zulus and porn in our nation.
Return to the right. Elect me.''
"I am I, Pat Buchanan,
The Lord of Protection.
Our borders have got to be sealed.
We must march to the trumpets of Goldwater, Taft,
And get everything modern repealed.
The CIA was spoofed to the melody of the 'Whiffenpoof Song.
'We are poor little spies who have lost our way,
C-I-A.
Out of work spies who have gone astray,
C-I-A.
Once we fought the evil empire,
Now we're only guns for hire.
Yeltsin put out the Langley fire.
C-I-A.
The responses to the skits were delivered by Lamar Alexander, Secretary
of Education, for the Republicans and by Ann Richards, Governor of Texas, for
the Democrats.
Four new active members--William Beecher of the Minneapolis Star and
Tribune; Clark Hoyt of Knight-Ridder; Julia Malone of Cox Newspapers; and
John W. Mashek of the Boston Globe were initiated into the Club at the
dinner.
Three new members chosen for their musical ability were also initiated.
They were singers Brian Donnelly and Mike Shortal; and pianist John Legg,
Master Sargent in the United States Marine Band.
As always, the program concluded with the only toast of the evening--to
the President of the United States. Mr. Bush responded.
Music before the dinner was provided by the United States Marine Band
which has been associated with the Club since the days of John Philip Sousa.
The band was directed by Col. John R. Bourgeois, who also serves as director
of music for the Gridiron. The Les Karr Orchestra provided music for the
show.
Following are the lyrics for all the songs in the show:
MAKIN' WHOOPEE
Another year, another cast
of celebrated, men in my past.
Another season, another reason
For makin' whoopee.
A lot of rubes, a lot of hicks
Are gettin' nervous in politics
It's really killing, they were so willing
To make a whoopee.
Picture a little love nest
Down where the roses cling
Picture that same sweet love nest
Think what some years will bring.
They got their wishes, they had their way
They're so ambitious, but now they pay
I won't forget boys, that's what you get boys
For makin' whoopee.
so MANY WAYS TO HAVE GOOD CLEAN FUN
JIMMY SWAGGART:
In the fight against sin and moral decay
Political leaders have now shown the way
You're finished with harassment, womanizers cannot run
You've become colossal bores and need some fun.
You need weenie roasts and treasure hunts, conundrums and charades
Dominoes, monopoly and masquerades
No more singing, no more dancing, no more gaiety
And scandals that offend the political laity.
So many ways to have good clean fun
So many games to enthrall
No earthly reasons why public life should be so dull.
Ever so often we're overwhelmed
Many temptations to shun
That's why it pays to have
So many ways to have
Good clean fun.
(ORCHESTRA REPEATS A SECOND TIME WITH ON STAGE CHOREOGRAPHY)
CHORUS CHANTS IN STAGE WHISPER
SOLOIST
Donna Rice, Tai Collins,
So many ways to have
Gennifer Flowers, Oh boy
good clean fun.
Blue smoke, blue movies
So many games to
Long Dong Silver, Au Bar
enthrall
Pookie Pookie, Monkey Business
No earthly reasons
Brock Adams, Call your druggist
why public life
Should be so dull
I love my wife but of you kid.
(modulate key)
We've got the guys and we've got the dolls
We've spent our publishers' dough
Everyone stay cause it's time for the play
It's the Grid Iron Show
CHORUS:
Everyone stay cause it's time for the play
It's the Grid
Iron
Show
LUCK BE A LADY
(Tune - Same)
They call you Lady Luck,
But there is room for doubt.
The last twelve years you've had a discouraging way of running out.
Our pickings have been slim
Since Reagan came to town,
And yet before November is over you might bring Poppy down.
You might forget past history,
Ignore what pollsters say,
And so the best that we can do is pray.
Luck, let the Democrats see
How nice a dame you can be.
Luck, you must be the one who gave us Jimmy Carter,
Luck, hear our Democrat's plea.
We should have nothing to fear,
Bush is a patsy this year.
If you don't cotton to our guys already running,
Maybe a late volunteer?
Our candidates aren't smooth and preppy,
But with your help, one could prevail,
We're better on our knees in a crapshoot like this
Than out on the fairways with Quayle.
So Luck, heed the Democrats' call,
Not just another pratfall.
Always remember we're the party of the people.
Luck, be a Lady,
Though odds are shady,
Luck, be a lady this fall.
A PERSON CAN BE OUT IN THE COLD
Lady Luck & Sideliners
(Tune: Adelaide's Lament)
(GEPHARDT steps forward.)
LUCK: A young Democratic hopeful, looking to try again,
Takes special caution drafting his design,
And big GOP poll numbers, fed by the hot Gulf war,
Affect the amount of stiffness in his spine,
In other words just from wondering whether George Bush is
too hard to beat,
GEP: A person can develop cold feet.
(GORE steps forward.)
LUCK: Though he's certainly making a name for himself back in
Tennessee,
And the public should note he delivered a vote to make
Kuwait free,
When the Solid South seems to be solid for the GOP,
GORE: A person can develop cold feet.
(BENTSEN steps forward.)
LUCK: To get on the national ticket's a worthy and noble goal,
One that he managed back in '88.
Winning by acclamation, that's how he likes to go,
Quite free of campaign travel or debate.
In other words, just from worrying over the primary
combat heat,
BENTSEN: A Texan can develop cold feet.
(CUOMO steps forward.)
LUCK: Though a spell-binding speaker can give you exciting
convention scenes,
He may spend all the primaries up there in Albany
counting beans,
When the party is looking for some kind of hero who's
not from Queens,
CUOMO: A Cuomo can develop cold feet.
LUCK: In other words, just from stalling and stalling the
question of getting bold,
A person can be out in the cold.
So it looks as though they will be shelving their
presidential hopes,
And patrolling political sidelines like a bunch of
dopes,
A PERSON CAN BE OUT IN THE COLD
page 2
But who could predict that George Bush would be up
against the ropes?
Contenders can be out in the cold.
It's sad, it's bad, they've really been had.
Unfinanced and unpolled, cause they all missed a shot at
the gold.
From a lack of sufficient vision and a feeling they're
all getting old.
ALL:
Contenders can be out in a four-year cold.
FUGUE FOR GREENHORNS
Ron Brown & Democratic Promoters
(Tune - Fugue for Tinhorns)
CHORUS: Can do, can do
We'll clean up in '92
With this super-stellar crew
Can do, can do.
BROWN:
Our Democrats are great.
Would like to sweep the states,
Hey, what a choice selection of candidates.
PRO-1:
Tom Harkin had the force
To be a real warhorse
But not enough folks liked it when he talked coarse.
PRO-2:
Bob Kerrey's campaign boom
Just never reached full bloom
So now he can't move Debra to the Lincoln Room.
PRO-3:
Let's go for Jerry Brown,
The only guy in town
Who's firmly pledged to burning the White House down.
PRO-4:
Bill Clinton's set to scrap,
He talks that Southern yap
And he's a cinch to broaden the gender gap.
PRO-5:
Paul Tsongas' cool technique
Has just begun to peak,
And what the party needs is another Greek.
PROS:
Party kings
Sexy things
Ding-a-lings
CHORUS: We've got the guys right here.
NO MORE DOLLS
(Tune - Guys and Dolls)
FIRST NEWSY:
What's in the Daily News?
I'll tell you what's in the Daily News:
Story 'bout a politician who has trouble telling whose
wife is whose.
That's what's in the Daily News.
SECOND NEWSY:
What's big on TV?
I'll tell you what's big on TV:
Piece about a boss who made lewd suggestions to a lovely
employee.
That's what's big on TV.
THIRD NEWSY:
What news perserveres?
I'll tell you what news perserveres:
Saga of a husband so loyal that his girl-friend waited
for eleven years.
That's what perserveres.
SOLOIST:
Looks like sex is popular as racial quotas.
They're the kind of thing that doesn't please the voters.
Though a pol is mean, ignorant and unclean,
It's OK if he never toyed with some doll.
Candidates can win the electorate's trust
If they promise--they must from puberty on,
Abandon all lust.
The most awesome hunk has to live like a monk,
If he longs for that motorcade down the Mall.
Though he's rude, crude and awful
And his platform might be unlawful,
Long as he isn't making it with some doll,
Some doll, some doll.
The guy can't be making it with some doll.
ALL THREE NEWSYS:
Long as he isn't making it with some doll,
Some doll, some doll.
The guy can't be making it with some doll.
THE OLDEST ESTABLISHED
(Tune - same)
We don't care if the laws get complex
Long as our bank's not bouncing checks.
We can dine a la carte all we want
On the tab at the House restaurant.
While Mitchell and Foley act like good scouts
And the Ethics Committees rarely report,
And things bein' how they are, we can drop by the Post Office
for a snort.
We're immune to both anger and praise,
Once an incumbent's in, there he stays.
For it's good old reliable Congress,
On the Senate side and the House.
If you're looking for action, don't come to the Hill
Cause anything that Bush is for we're looking to kill.
In the good old reliable Congress
Where the budgets only expand,
It's the oldest established permanent floating
con game in the land.
There are well-heeled lobbies everywhere, everywhere,
Lots of well-heeled lobbies everywhere,
And there. an awful lot of PAC dough for the candidates who lack dough
All those corp'rate contributions really help keep the
competition fair.
That's our good old reliable Congress
Where harassment's always in style.
Ev'ry member need not be too clever by half,
All the bills and speeches can be written by staff.
In those hideaways furnished by Congress
Where the slick maneuvers are planned,
It's the oldest established permanent floating
con game in the land.
Spend the money, dodge the blame,
You can play the game if you've got no shame,
It's the oldest established permanent floating
con game in the land.
CONGRESS CORRUPTKE
("Gee, Officer Krupke")
BIDEN:
Dearrrrr.
kind-ly Clar-ence Thom-as
And dear Pro-fess-or Hill,
We don't want to har-ass you
We on-ly want our fill.
We tried to keep it se-cret
But you know how that works --
Now on T-V, we all look like jerks.
Please, par-don our pry-ing when deal-ing with sex.
There's no smok-ing gun here, so why don't-cha just confess.
ALL SENATORS:
We don't want a lynch-ing --
We're not so un-couth --
We simp-ly hung-er for the truth.
BIDEN:
We want truth! We want truth! We want just plain truth!
What we hunger for is just the truth.
BIDEN:
Dearrrrr
kind-ly Ms. An-i-ta,
We're sorry for the leak.
We don't like to repeata
The charges that you speak.
But Spec-ter here is eag-er
And Strom's all a-quiv-ver
To hear you views on Mis-ter bleep-bleep Sil-ver.
Paul Si-mon is blush-ing, and Metz-en-baum's blue.
They don't like this cir-cus one bit more than you do.
DEMOCRATIC SENATORS:
This is strict-ly biz-ness,
Not real-ly a joke.
Please, tell the part about the Coke.
BIDEN:
Yes the Coke.
CHORUS AND SENATORS:
Yes, the Coke! Yes, the Coke!
Yes the tell-tale Coke.
And remember, please, this is no joke!
REPUBLICAN: The problem is she's dreaming.
DEMOCRAT: The problem is he's crude.
REPUBLICAN: The problem is she's scheming.
DEMOCRAT: The problem is he's lewd.
CONGRESS CORRUPTKE
page two
REPUBLICAN: The problem is still growing.
DEMOCRAT: The problem is full grown.
ALL: Fel-las, we've got problems of our own.
ALL:
Dear TV view-ers, we're down on our knees,
'Couse no one likes a Cong-ress that wallows in sleaze.
The vot-ers they tell us, that we are all wet.
We on-ly hope that you
for-get!
HEALTH CARE SONG
(Tune: ""The Witch Doctor'')
We need a health care plan to win in ninety-two
To cover working folks and jobless people too
I asked the Witch Doctor to tell us what to do
And he said:
Oooh, eee, oooh ah ah
Ting, tang walla walla bing bang
Oooh, eee, oooh ah ah
Ting tang walla walla bing bang
We need to hold down costs and get the care to you
We need to find the cash but taxes just won't do
I asked the Witch Doctor to give us just a clue
And he said:
Oooh, eee, oooh ah ah
Ting, tang, walla walla bing bang
Oooh, eee, oooh ah ah
Ting tang walla walla bing bang
We've been playing fast and loose with our domestic trouble.
And some have said we've not been very smart,
But this new plan is slick enough to rise above the rubble.
It's guaranteed to win the voter's heart.
This health care strategy is catchy and it's great
If we sing loud enough with voters we will rate
Maybe the Witch Doctor should be our candidate
Let's hear it:
Oooh eee oooh ah ah
Ting tang walla walla bing bang
Oooh, eee, oooh ah ah
Ting, tang walla walla bing bang
Oooh eee oooh ah ah
Ting tang walla walla bing bang
Oooh, eee, oooh ah ah
Ting, tang walla walla bing bang
record. Song for a Democratic Congressman who declined to speak on the
(The House I Live In)
(SOLO)
What is America to me --safe seat, good pay and perks for free,
Political plutocracy -- that's American to me.
The House we live in is more than just a bank
It's a monumental tribute to the privilege of rank.
A parking space for members -- no tickets do WE see.
The right to be elitist -- that's America to me.
The place we work in is more than just a dome.
It takes a heap of free-bees to make this House a home.
Free travel when we're jaded, exotic sights to see.
while ripping off the public -- that's America to me.
Assistants all around us, to tell us what to think,
And cozy little hide-outs where we can sneak a drink.
Free parking at the airport, free pills for every ill.
Our very own gymnasium, our postage costs are nil.
The cut-rate hair-cuts, the luncheons on the cuff;
We fatten up our pay check when we think it's not enough.
We celebrate the virtue of in-equality.
It's neat to be elitist -- that's America to me!
(CHORUS REPEAT)
We celebrate the virtue of in-equality!
It's neat to be elitiest -- that's America to me.
*
*
*
TED KENNEDY BLUES
(It's Three O'Clock in the Morning)
Ted Kennedy:
It's three o'clock in the morning,
Time we go out for a beer.
Au Bar's the place we are heading,
Plenty of action down there.
We'll bring us back some girlies,
Just for a romp by the sea.
If anything's done that is naughty--
You'll never prove it by me.
CHORUS:
If anything's done that is naughty-
Soloist:
You'll never prove it by me.
Soloist dons cutaway coat and begins to sing
"GET ME TO THE CHURCH ON TIME"
KENNEDY
I'm getting married in the morning,
Ding dong the bells are gonna chime,
A resurrection, before my election,
So get me to the church on time.
If I am dancing, roll up the floor,
I gotta face my voters in ninety-four.
Hey, I'm getting married in the morning.
Too bad, when I've just reached my prime.
Kick up a rumpus, but don't lose the compass,
And get me to the church, get me to the church,
For Pete's sake, get me to the church on time.
"NEVER ON TUESDAY"
TSONGAS:
I wear my Speedo trunks on
Wednesday and Sunday and Monday --
That's when I reach my peak.
But then along will come a
Tuesday, a Tuesday, a Tuesday --
It messes up my week.
I was no Santa Claus on
Thursday or Friday or Sunday --
So I kept flying high.
But when the polls would close on
Tuesdays, black Tuesdays, the voters
Would leave me high and dry
"YOU AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT A HOUND DOG"
BILL CLINTON (to press dog):
You ain't nothin' but a houndog,
snooping all the time.
You ain't nothin' but a houndog,
snooping all the time.
But you never caught me running,
with some cash-for-trash feline.
"LOVE ME TENDER"
CLINTON:
Love me tender, Democrats,
I'm your mod'rate star.
Next to me Bush looks ersatz,
Quayle is over par.
I'm the nominee for you,
Cleansed of lust, and sin.
Love Me Tender, I'll be true--
As I've always been.
I've always been a patriot.
This is no new leaf.
Draft me for my fav'rite spot:
Commander-in-chief.
I survived the spring combats,
Selling southern soap.
Love Me Tender, Democrats,
I'm your ONLY hope.
THE GIRL THAT I MARRY
Democratic Speaker's Song
ANN RICHARDS:
I shyly suggest that our nominee
Could take a few lessons from little me.
To him I would explain
How to run a nice friendly but macho campaign.
When old Clatey hit me with all those smears,
I did things to him that we do to steers;
He was kneelin, he was squealin.
And I have to admit I've been feelin'
I'm tall in the saddle for nationwide battle this year.
So let's take a look at our candidates.
They're not what you'd describe as heavy-weights.
We need someone with class
And a silver foot to kick Republican
----
("Bleep.")
of course you know I'd never use that word,
A more genteel phrase is to be preferred.
We want winners, not beginners,
And what we do not need is male sinners.
I'm female and foxy, and I've got the moxie -- choose me.
REPUBLICAN OPENER
Richard Darman Song
GET HAPPY
SOLOIST:
Forget your troubles and just get happy.
We're gonna chase all your blues away.
Sing Hallelujah, come on, get happy--
No recession we can see today.
You lost your job? Well, come on, get happy.
We've got a program to ease your pains.
And for the poor it is really snappy--
So they can keep all their cap'tal gains.
Trust us, we are caring, and you know we really tried.
Trough times we're sharing,
Blame the other side.
Can't get a mortgage? Come on, get happy.
A little hunger can be okay.
No real depression. That makes us happy--
At least until Election Day.
DANCE
CHORUS:
Just trust us, we're caring, and we really, really tried.
Look how we're faring.
Blame the other side.
Can't get a mortgage? At least, get happy,
And you can share in the games we play.
The banks are folding, but still we're happy--
At least until Election Day.
CIA SONG
Whiffenpoof Song
SOLOIST:
To the old McLean headquarters,
To the place where Casey dwelled,
To the covert actions that we planned so well.
We are former spooks assembled,
With no one on whom to spy,
And the K-G-B's our buddy, sad to tell.
SPIES:
Yes, the K-G-B's our buddy,
SOLOIST:
More so than the F-B-I,
And we're having trouble fooling Cap'tol Hill.
Oh, we long for ol' Bill Casey,
May his ghost inspire us now,
Gates just lacks the shady tricks to fill the bill.
SPIES:
We are poor little spies who have lost our way,
C - I - A.
Out-of-work spies who have gone astray,
C - I - A.
SOLOIST:
Once we fought the evil empire,
Now we're only guns for hire.
Yeltsin put out the Langley fire.
ALL:
C - I - A.
SOVIET BREAKUP SONG
Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
(Arvidson with Groer, Means, Brazaitis, Page & Geyer)
Group enters up ramp
RUSSIANS:
A-zer-bai-jan.
Dooby doo, down, down.
And Uz-bek-i-stan.
Dooby doo, down, down.
Where's Turk-men-i-stan?
Dooby doo, down, down.
Breakin' up is hard to-ooh-ooh do.
ARVIDSON:
These brand-new names are not a snap.
You can barely find us on the map.
As to our future we don't have a clue,
'Cause breakin' up is hard to do.
Remember when inflation rates
Were decided inside Kremlin gates?
Who knew that freedom would bring trouble too?
'Cause breakin' up is hard to do.
SOLO, RUSSIANS, CHORUS: Ta-ji-ki-stan
Dooby doo, down, down.
Also, Ka-zakh-stan,
Dooby doo, down, down.
Where is Kyr-gyz-stan?
Dooby doo, down, down.
Breakin' up is hard to-ooh-ooh do.
SADDAM HUSSEIN SONG
The Rain in Spain
SOLOIST:
Saddam Hussein is causing Bush great strain.
That damn Saddam is driving George insane.
CHORUS:
Aga-ain???
SOLOIST:
We got-ta rub him out
of this campaign.
CONEHEAD 1:
I thought you'd got him!
CONEHEAD 2:
You said you'd shot him!
SOLOIST:
It won't be all that easy to explain.
CONEHEAD 1:
I could'a snagged him!
CONEHEAD 3:
I could'a fragged him!
SOLOIST:
Old Stormin' Norm
was on the prowl.
CONEHEADS:
On the spot! Hot to trot!
SOLOIST:
So who did
throw in the towel?
CONEHEADS:
Colin Powell
Colin Powell!
SOLOIST:
How could George give a furlough to that bee-east?
The Willy Horton of the Mid-dle Ee-east?
(A slinking figure enters and joins the coneheads.)
SOLOIST:
This is a job
for C
I
A.
CONEHEADS:
Let us pray
let us pray.
SOLOIST:
Bob Gates will save the day!
CONEHEADS:
Oy-vay!
Oy-vay!
SOLOIST:
He'll slam Saddam the old Bill Casey wa-ay:
With dirty tricks -- before election day-ay!
CIA FIGURE:
I think he's got it! I think he's got it!
CHORUS:
With laundered swag we'll bag that Baghdad beast.
The Willy Horton of the Mid-dle Ee-east.
CAR SONG
The Surrey With the Fringe on Top
SOLOIST: Get the Ginza cleared in a hurry.
Here comes an Amelican surrey,
Left-hand drive Amelican surrey
Heading for the shop.
Watch the driver, see how he shudders
Ev-ry time that big clunker sputters,
And don't liss-en to what he mutters
When it starts to stop.
The wheels are wobbly, the upholst'ry's brown,
The dashboard's make-believe leather,
With power steering windows that won't roll down
In case there's a change in the weather.
One faint tail light winkin' and blinkin'.
Gallons of gas'line guzzlin' and drinkin'.
They can keep that rig if they're thinkin'
That they'd like to swap
For my zippy little Honda with the TARIFF on the top.
CHORUS:
(Repeat)
OLIVER STONE SONG
It Ain't Necessarily So
Stone (Ryan) and cameraman (Smith) enter from stage right
RYAN:
It ain't necessarily flu.
It ain't necessarily flu.
I have a suspicion that what his physician
Said ain't necessarily true.
My movie will prove something's wrong,
'Cause C-I-A spooks were along.
They poisoned his sushi--or else it was mooshi
Pork they fed him back in Hong Kong.
SMITH:
Wa dee
CHORUS:
Wa dee
SMITH:
Zim bam boddle-ee
CHORUS:
Zim bam boddle-ee
SMITH:
Hoodle ah da wa dee
CHORUS:
Hoodle ah da wa dee
SMITH:
Conspiracy
CHORUS:
Conspiracy
ALL:
Yeah.
RYAN:
Just take it from Oliver Stone:
There's something that is still unknown.
Reverse peristalsis not often befalls us,
So was that chef working alone?
I'll tell a great story, blood-curdling and gory
And I'll make up the plot
Mix facts up with fiction, and without restriction--
That's how my films are shot.
I'm sounding a warning today,
Just as I did in "J-F-K."
A new barf commission, o'er my opposition,
Will secretly flush it away.
I'm making this movie to prove
CHORUS & RYAN:
It ain't necessa, ain't necessa, ain't necessa,
Ain't necessarily flu.
SLEAZE
(Kids)
TABLOIDS:
Sleaze, we provide just what readers want today.
Sleaze, whether in the Senate or in the hay.
Print any kind of rumor, legend, lie or myth.
We hit stuffed shirts, bigwigs, perverts, preachers,
Any kind of target.
Sleaze, sodomy and rape are our stock in trade.
Sleaze, it's the steamy stuff of which profit's made.
Keeping our circulation healthy in evry way.
What's the matter with sleaze today.
ESTABLISHMENT PRESS:
Please, we're too pure to cover such sordid stuff.
Please, in the high class press there's not space enough.
Sleaze makes our readers queasy when they get the point.
Goodness gracious, no salacious copy
Ever mars our columns.
But -- there is one exception to standard bland,
Sleaze can be quite all right if it's second-hand.
Bless the Star and Inquirer, though we pretend they're worst,
Just as long as they print sleaze first.
CHORUS:
Bless the Star and Inquirer, though we pretend they're worst,
Just as long as they print sleaze first.
MARILYN QUAYLE SONG
Wabash Cannonball
Soloist enters from stage right.
QUAYLE:
I give Dan his orders
And this is not a boast.
But we didn't pay a penny for
That series in The Post.
I'm planning campaign strategy
So he'll survive this fall.
My bouncing boy conservative
Wabash basketball.
Dan loosens rules in secret
to please our fat cat friends
'Cause open competition
Won't pay big dividends.
Though some call him a lightweight;
I think it's a close call.
I won't let anyone slam-dunk
My Wabash Basketball.
Jim Baker tried to run our show
'Way back in eighty-eight.
But Baker didn't understand
I was the running mate.
And if he tries to take Dan on
Four years from this Fall
He'll also have to take me on
The Wabash Cannonball.
CHORUS:
It's time to think survival,
So she'll campaign this fall
She'll save Dan from himself
'cause SHE's (pause)
The Wabash Cannonball.
BUCHANAN SONG
Man of La Mancha
SOLOIST: Hear me, all you ridiculous fans of George Bush,
Bamboozled and dumb as can be:
A new hero is here, and I'm ready to push
For return to the last century.
I am I, Pat Buchanan,
Soft-spoken and tender,
And how I love our fellow man!
Put the homeless in jail as a sign of affection
America first is our plan.
Listen up, ye apostles of true isolation,
To wisdom I bring from TV.
I'll get rid of all Zulus and porn in our nation.
Return to the Right. Elect me.
I am I, Pat Buchanan,
The Lord of Protection.
Our borders have got to be sealed.
We must march to the trumpets of Goldwater, Taft,
And get everything modern repealed.
I know that I've seen the light.
CHORUS:
It's like fifty-four forty or fight.
BUSH CAMPAIGN
Where is the Life that Late I Led
REAGAN:
Since I reached political maturity,
And began to see the conservative light,
Like a priest who takes a VOW of purity,
I cannot abide defection from the Right.
And now that the keeper of the flame am I,
How stricken by the squalor and the shame am I.
Where is the Right that late I led?
Where's my crusade? Totally dead!
Where is the Bush that I spoon-fed?
Where is his head? Why has he fled?
Oh, he pulled in -- for one pit-stop.
But praising an heir who isn't all there
Was not worth a photo-op.
DUET:
So we reminded George and Bar:
WHO do you think got YOU this far?
REAGAN:
NOT John Sununu -- and not YOUR voodoo!
Hey, doodoo. I would-a bet-cha that would get-cha in deep
Apologizing? 'Bout things like taxes?
Now didn't I teach-ya saying you're sorry is
mal-practice.
Your new world order -- that's left-wing folly!
Somebody gets tough -- you get-cha a rough-neck
nut like Olly.
Oh, how could you be
SO spooked by Pat's
bluff?
Why don't you just thank him and outflank him with
the RIGHT stuff?
Where is the Bush that ONCE I knew --
Reading MY lips,
Loyal and true!
If you don't want my Holy Grail,
I'll take it back -- Give it to Quayle.
I should-a picked some Teflon guy,
Instead of an heir whose cupboard is bare
And can't even figure why.
Where is the Reagan legacy?
Where is the rest -- the best -- of me?
CHORUS:
Where is the Bush that I spoon-fed?
REAGAN:
Where is the Right that la-a-a-a-ate I led?
TEACH ME TONIGHT
(Bart Simpson to Alexander)
Guess you think I've got a lot to learn,
Got some minutes on the clock to burn,
Money's something I am hot to earn,
Teach me tonight.
Starting with the S-A-Ts of it,
Right down to the J-O-Bs of it,
We're behind the Jap-a-nese a bit.
Teach me tonight.
My life's a blackboard here before me,
With the best years yet to be spent
With luck, some day I'll grow up to be
The ed-u-ca-tion pres-i-dent.
If us students aren't reached, La-mar
Then our teachers haven't teached, La-mar
On the shore of life we're beached, La-mar,
Teach me tonight.
Desert Storm was swell to see, La-mar
Cut school to watch it on T-V, La-mar
We've got bombs smarter than me, La-mar
Teach me tonight.
We've got bombs smarter than me, Lamar!
Teach me tonight!
STARDUST
Verse
(Solo 1)
And now the purple blush of beajoulais
Steals across the meadows of our minds
(Solo 2)
We are slightly fried, tomorrow we pay
Right now, we hope we can stand for-Auld Lang Syne
(Solo 3)
The Secret Service, standing watch are they
Ready with the raincoats when he speaks
(Solo 4)
But before the presidential entre
We want to share our latest leaks
(Carl Rowan)
Sometimes we wonder how you sit through these long nights
Wishing they would end
Our Gridiron show wanders to and fro
And hits the truth a time or two
Every now and then
We might have an inspiration
Lord, that was hours ago and now our consolation
Is that you've stayed awake this long.
And here inside this hall the Gridiron glows
You await the dawn
(Bird song in orchestra)
A nightingale sings as we impale
(Scream backstage)
Another victim of our show
We may sing in vain
But we hope you will retain
Some Gridiron melodies
That beckon you to come again
CHORUS REPEAT FROM BRIDGE
And here inside this hall the Gridiron glows
You await the dawn
(Rooster crow)
A nightingale sings as we impale
(Scream backstage)
Another victim of our show
We may sing in vain
But we hope you will retain
Some Gridiron melodies
That beckon you to come again
SENT BY:Xerox Telecopier 7020 ; 3-26-92 ; 4:33PM ;
4562983;# 1
THE
FACSIMILE TRANSMITTAL SHEET
NUMBER OF PAGES INCLUDING COVER 2
DATE
TO
3/26 David Demarest
FAX NUMBER
COMMENTS
Also: Rehearsal book not available
Brainstown 2983 RC Gridikon
until tomorrow.
FROM
DEPARTMENT Michele OF COMMUNICATIONS
*
*
OFFICE NUMBER
7750
SENT BY:Xerox Telecopier 7020 ; 3-26-92 ; 4:33PM ;
4562983;# 2
March 26, 1992
Dave --
I called Sharon this morning to catch you with an idea we're
batting around over here in Research, but I guess it's been a
hectic day over there and you've been hard to reach.
Re Gridiron: Bob mentioned that the Pres wants to do something a
little different this year besides stand-up. Well, I was
thinking: Given that this is a Carson crowd == and since Carson
is to leave in a couple months -- POTUS could do a take-off on
Carnac the Magnificent. Bob said he also thought of this and
mentioned this briefly in the 9:00 meeting. My thinking was that
Marlin would be the most logical "Ed." He's "pudgy," and he and
POTUS have the same kind of rapport that Johnny and Ed have.
This would be a really easy set-up -- no elaborate costumes
needed -- simple props. POTUS and Marlin could share the podium
or they could set-up a simple desk and two chairs on the stage.
We could rename Carnac -- maybe making POTUS' character
Carnac's brother, just back from overseas, "Bushwac the
Electable" (Tarmac the Political, or something). Marlin could do
the same set-up as Ed -- 1.e., "these envelopes have been sealed
in the House Bank vault since last year 18 or whatever.
Marlin could repeat back all the answers like Ed always does.
POTUS could chime back things to Marlin "Thank you, twinkie
breath." At the end, Marlin could do the "I hold in my hand the
last envelope After the crowd cheers, POTUS could do the
Carson-type line "May a Congressional representative date your
sister
" or something along those lines.
The jokes we have now could be easily converted to the
envelope answer-question format. One envelope idea: "THE HOUSE
POST
BANK" Marlin: "The House Bank UPA:POTUS: [Opens envelope, blows
OFFICERINGIDE -- and pours out white powder (or white powder flies out
when he blows inside) And then POTUS makes some crack (no pun
intended).
We have other ideas if you want to go with it. Bob thought
it would be great if we could actually get Ed McMahon here to be
himself. There'd be some great jokes to make about that --
something about Ed losing his job in a couple of months -- Bush
doing what he can for unemployment
We could check with
McMahon's scheduler to see if he's available, in the country,
etc. I think the audience would get a huge kick out of something
liked this. More importantly, Ann Richards and Lamar Alexander
are going to be great -- the President has to be great, too. The
Carnac formula is easy to handle; there wouldn't be any fear of
POTUS messing up. Plus, it fits with his personality -- and with
the President's desire to be funny in some way other than stand-
up. And most important of all: it's something great that we can
pull together quickly.
THE WHITE HOUSE
3/26/92
WASHINGTON
Rz-
Call Demarest
see if they can
come up with
different format.
am not comfortable
with standing up
reading joke x sitting
down mrs. B will
be There. maybe Q +A>
Please return
to Gres.
office -
Rrez
1
george E
Discuss
w Demarest
early Thus.
AM
Photocopy-GB Handwrit
Photocopy-GB Hendwr He
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE
NO.
:
213
ors
2020
mar.
24
1992
DEFTI
-O2
Siller
THE PRESIDENT
GRIDIRON DINNER
MARCH 28, 1992
fellow insiders
There must be some congrassmen in the room. It feels like
there's an overdraft.
(TAKE SIP OF WATER) Exouco me, Ann. Silver foot went down
the wrong way.
First thing Monday morning I'm getting my eyes examined. Out
in the lobby, I swear I saw a guy in a turtleneck flashing
an 800 number.
Governor Jerry Brown was supposed to be here. But his
turtleneck snagged in the zipper of his UAW jacket. A police
emergency unit is using the Jaws of Life to remove him.
The governor of New York was invited, but he couldn't make
up his mind whether to fly, take the train, or wait 'til the
'96 Gridiron.
Bill Clinton planned to attend the dinner, 'til he heard the
dessert topping was nutmeg.
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 513 2020
Mar. 24 1992 8: 32PM H03
-2
-
Enjoyed the musical numbers and the droll, sophisticated,
Noel Cowardesque skits by the wit-challenged members of
the press.
Quite a coup
hiring the authors of "Police Academy 9".
Thank God the NEA doesn't fund your skits. Try to justify
that to the voters.
You people give "dysfunctional" a bad name.
Your performances were riveting. There should be a warning
label on the program.
"Immediately following a Gridiron, do
not operate heavy machinery".
Nearly the second time this year I lost consciousness during
a dinner.
Your performances had all the fun of a Yassar Arafat
bachelor party.
Sitting through a Gridiron has always been my second
favorite fantasy. My favorite fantasy is to spend a year in
Biosphere 2 with the McLaughlin Group. (or, with the Capital
Gang) (or, bungee-jumping into Tokyo strapped to Fritz
Hollings)
PALINE
NO.
21)
DID
2020
l'idr.
24
1992
8.33PM
P04
Tonight you were rougher than usual, but you don't frighten
me. I could lick you with one handler tied behind my back.
(SEC. ALEXANDER WILL HAVE SUNG COUNTRY MUSIC) I've heard
Garth Brooks in concert. I've seen Garth Brooks on the cover
of Time. Garth Brooks is a friend of mine. Lamar, you're no
Garth Brooks.
If anyone from the NEA is here, I beg you not to fund him
Lamar is the brother the Gatlins don't talk about.
Actually Lamar, you were great. Knocked my tube socks off.
I may be losing control of my Administration. This morning
in the Situation Room, Colin Powell was singing
rap
Sounded like a cross between M.C. Hammer and Rudy
Vallee.
That super market tabloid, the Star, is working on a story
about Lane Kirkland and three members of the International
Ladies Garment Workers Union
Lane says he was just trying
to "look for the union label".
I don't want to rattle Al Simpson. But this morning, Nina
Totenberg was in a D.C. qun shop pricing sniper scopes.
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 24 1992 8: 33HM P05
Last week, Dick Cheney held a Pentagon briefing to show how
he had Patriot missiles intercept and destroy his three
giant checks.
with the world at peace, there ian't much work for our war
correspondents. Peter Arnett (Charles Jaco) has been
assigned to the Georgetown Four Seasons in case there's a
flareup between Marla Maples and Donald Trump. ( assigned
to the Hill in case there's a flareup between Nina Totenberg
and Al Simpson)
When Marla threw her gold ring at Donald, Nick Brady dove
for it. With this deficit, every ounce counts.
Alan Greenspan says the economy is recovering. I hope he's
right. I just made a down payment on a pair of tube socks.
Took a lot of ridicule for purchasing a couple pair of
socks. To the press, tube socks are a joke. To Senor Wences,
they're a livelihood.
This speech isn't just about me. It's for the heart and soul
of the Gridiron Club.
Some news from Russia. Lenin isn't dead. He was just napping
during a particularly long Russian Gridiron dinner.
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 24 1992 8: 34PM P06
-5-
Congratulations to Bob strauss, who was judged the wittiest
speaker at this year's Russian Gridiron Bob really cracked
them up doing Use Charlocton dressed as Nina Khrushchev.
Bob Gates is considering a private nows program that would
be available on encrypted computer to 200 top administration
officials that would offer instant analysis of news events.
That in itself is not a bad idea. But Bob may be getting
carried away. He wants to hire Gordon Liddy to do weather
and sports.
Have you seen John Sununu on "Crossfire"? Most people feel
Michael Kinsley is overreacting.
wearing chatterproof
glasses.
John Sununu already alienated the brass at CNN. Last workend
he flew home to the dentist aboard a corporate jet citing
the need for secure communication with Michael Kinsley.
John Sununu may run for governor of Arkansas. John said,
"Not only do you fly on corporate jets, but they serve you
free chicken".
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 24 1992 B: 35PM P08
Newt Gingrich has a take-no-prisoners personality. Newt has
the only Jocker with a pinup of Hannibal Lecter. (Or, Newt
Gingrich, the House Hannibal Lecter)
Art Buchwald is now suing the producers of "Basic Instinct".
Art claims they used his body as stunt double during Michael
Douglas's love scenes.
Jesse Helms is writing a Saturday morning cartoon show for
children
starring Joe Camel.
It may surprise you to learn Jesse Helms joined the ranks of
animal rights supporters. Today outside the White House
Jesse walked a mile for Joe Camel. (Or, Jesse Helms has
become an activist for animal rights. Jesse wants to put Joe
Camel on the endangered species list.)
Paul Tsongas pulled out of the race. The other candidates
are relieved. It was distracting debating a man who reeked
of chlorine.
Desible
The person most unhappy to see Paul bow out was his
unannounced running mate, Mark Spitz.
Paul dropped out so he can devote more time to catching that
kwazy wabbit.
From : RHYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
mar. 24 1992 B: 8:35PM P03
- 8
We've got to curb the violence on TV. I'm speaking of the
Clinton-Brown debates.
Those debates are getting heated. The next one will be
produced by Don King.
It's getting nasty. Bill Clinton replaced one handler with a
cut man.
You know it's gonna be vicious when the moderator begins the
debate with, "Let's RUMBLE!" (A la Vegas fight announcer)
Last week, they nad to use the Jaws of Life to remove Jerry
Brown's teeth from Bill Clinton's ankle.
New York police have warned residents to stay indoors so
they don't get injured in a drive-by political commercial.
This year's political commercials have been ugly. The only
thing worse would be the pictures from Yassar Arafat's
wedding night.
Candidates from both parties have engaged in vicious name-
calling like "corrupt", "liar", ( "hypocrite", "fascist",
"draft dodger", "womanizer", "racist") "incumbent".
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 24 1992 8:36PM P10
One candidate favors isolationism. You know the definition
of an isolationist. That's a guy who showed up for a Tom
Harkin victory party.
They accused me of pandering to the far right just
because
J proposed statchood for Rush Limbaugh.
To most of us, the campaign season means countless nights in
strange hotels. To (deadbeat pol or press person), it's a
chance to glom tiny shampoo bottles, shoe polishing cloths,
and chintzy white bathrobes.
I enjoy campaigning on the road, sleeping in hotels. It's a
pleasure to thumb through the Gideon Bible and know they
don't carry Doonesbury.
H. Ross Perot is launching a Presidential bid. Ross says he
won't accept any contribution under a billion dollars.
To Ross, the Kuwaiti ambassador is middle class. (KUWAITI
AMBASSADOR IS AT HEAD TABLE)
Ross may be out of touch with average Americans. He wants
Greenpeace to declare the polo pony an endangered species.
Ross's campaign slogan is, "The Krugerrand stops here".
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 24 1992 8: 3:37PM P11
ROSS has the only penny loafers with Krugerrands.
Last week he tossed a tax-free municipal bond across the
Potomac.
The public can't get away from the candidates. The other day
in a Brooklyn K-Mart, a voice came over the speaker and
said, "Attention, K-Mart shoppers. I'm Jerry Brown and my
number is 800-426-1112".
Spent last weekend at Camp David with Helmut Kohl. Pat
Buchanan phoned the Chancellor and asked if he knew the blue
book price for a used Mercedes.
Pat's plan to get America moving is to set aside a diamond
lane for Mercedes drivers.
Pat may have made a tactical error when he gave a speech in
a. GM parking lot that began with, "Ich bin ein Mercedes
owner".
Some say Pat really has his sights set on '96 when he
plans to run for Kaiser.
Pat tries to identify with people who frequent McDonald's.
But when Pat refers to a Big Mac, he means his fat neighbor
in McLean.
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 24 1992 8: 38PM P13
-12
Jerry Brown lived two years in India, but was asked to
leave. Waving that 800 card scared the snakes back into
their baskets.
Jerry Brown has an abrasive parsonality. He's the only
person ever to make Mother Teresa's enemies list.
Governor Brown inspired Mother Teresa to say, "Enough
already with the 800 number. Pass the curry".
Jerry Brown's campaign slogan is, "The Ruddha stops here".
This year, even the scandals have changed. In the old days,
politicians worried about being caught in a motel. Now
they're scared they'll be spotted inside the Beltway.
This year, nobody's sacred. What will be the next
revelation? Lane Kirkland wears Taiwan tails?
The climate is changing on the Hill. Today a congressman got
into a shouting match with a D.C. cop (meter maid). But the
cop (meter maid) refused to write him a parking ticket.
House members have gotten angry letters from bank robbers.
You can't blame the robbers. When they get caught pulling a
heist, they can't get the ticket fixed on their getaway car.
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 ors 2020
Mar.
24
1992
!
JOHN
F14
13-
Recycling has caught on up on the Hill. At the House gym
members pasted together a batch of checks and built a
trampoline.
This whole business is pervasive. This morning Millie
fetched me a rubber slipper.
There's so much rubber on the Hill some members carpool in
the Goodyear Blimp.
They plan to reform the system. In the future, members may
be asked to walk through a rubber detector.
Today the House voted that the United States convert to the
rubber standard.
Did you know the Swiss now keep their money in the House
bank?
The House post office scandal has the voters enraged. Elvis
threatened to sue if they use his stamp.
What's going on up there? At the House post office they
replaced the Elvis stamp with John Gotti.
Nobody wants to be associated with the mess. Today three of
the "wanted" posters turned their heads to the wall.
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 24 1992 JOPPI -15
Their post office has a special express mail service "when
you absolutely positively have to make an overnight loan to
your campaign".
The public is finding out about the House's perks, like free
drugs. 1 hope that doesn't change. One thing the members
don't need now is someone stopping the flow of Maalox.
why can't we go back to those innocent days when politicians
just took bribes?
Pundits predict this fall's contest will pit Bush versus
Clinton
Barbara against Hillary in the Pillsbury Bakeoff.
Saddam is worried the United States may hit Iraq with our
secret chemical weapon
the Arkansas chicken.
Talk about your land mines.
Secretary Cheney has assured me we have a sufficient number
of F-117 Stealth fighters and nuclear subs in place as a
precaution during Ted Kennedy's bachelor party.
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar.
24
1992
!!
STATE
F1b
15-
A team of U.N. inspectors will supervise the dismantling of
Ted Kennedy's little black book.
The press no longer tries to hide its preference for liberal
politicians. Last night there was a bachelor party for Ted
Kennedy
and sarah McLendon popped out of the cake.
A jury granted a divorce to Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker on the
grounds of irreconcilable eyeliner.
The Colt Manufacturing Company applied for bankruptcy. The
final straw was losing the contract to distribute free guns
to D.C. (New York) schools.
Had a little trouble in Japan with the Vomit Thing.
My goal with Japan is someday to pass out on a level playing
field.
This isolationist mood has to stop. Dick Gephardt awarded me
3 points for barfing on a foreign head of state
and an
extra 5 point bonus because he was Japanese.
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 24 1992 8:44PM P01
RAYMOND SILLER
1373 Monument Street
Pacific Palisades, California 90272
(213) 454-1922
TO: BRIDGET MONTAGNE
DATE: 3/24/92
TIME: 11:30PM EST
FROM: RAY SILLER
PLEASE DELIVER THE FOLLOWING 17 PAGES (WHICH INCLUDES
THIS COVER LETTER) TO:
FAX #: 2024562397
CONFIRMATION #: 310 4541922
ADDITIONAL MESSAGE:
Note to President +
Fridison Material.
Bridget, could you please count the
reqes? 15 Jages of John plusa
cover letter. I here a feeling one
page Thanks. didn't So through.
Day
IF YOU DON'T RECEIVE ALL THE PAGES, OR IF YOU WANT TO FAX A
DOCUMENT, CALL (213) 573 2020. THANK YOU!
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 24 1992 8: 31PM P01
RAYMOND SILLER
1373 Monument Street
Pacific Palisades, Callfornia 90272
(213) 454-1922
TO: BRIDGET MONTAGNE
DATE: 3/24/92
TIME: 11:30PM EST
FROM: RAYSILLER
PLEASE DELIVER THE FOLLOWING 17 PAGES (WHICH INCLUDES
THIS COVER LETTER) TO:
FAX #: 202 4562397
CONFIRMATION #: 310 4541922
ADDITIONAL MESSAGE: Note to President +
Bridison Material
IF YOU DON'T RECEIVE ALL THE PAGES, OR IF YOU WANT TO FAX A
DOCUMENT, CALL (213) 573 2020. THANK YOU!
SENT BY:Xerox Telecopier 7020 ; 3-25-92 ; 9:28AM ;
4562983;# 1
FACSIMILE TRANSMITTAL SHEET
NUMBER OF INCLUDING COVER 17
DATE
March PAGES 25
TO
David Demarest
FAX NUMBER
456-2983
COMMENTS
He benehed some of the subjects
Ray Siller's jokes.
we touched on last night (e.g., Dick
FROM Cheney check pauncing brieting, Jununu air & Clinton's
Michele Vix
*
DEPARTMENT OF COMMUNICATIONS
*
OFFICE NUMBER
7750
SENT BY:Xerox Telecopier 7020 ; 3-25-92 ; 9:28AM ;
4562983;# 2
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 24 1992 8:50PM P01.
RAYMOND SILLER
1373 Monument Street
Pacific Palisades, California 90272
(213) 454-1922
TO: Michele Nix
DATE: 3/24/92
TIME: 11:45PMEST
FROM: Ray Siller
PLEASE DELIVER THE FOLLOWING
Jey
PAGES (WHICH INCLUDES
THIS COVER LITTER) TO:
FAX #: 202 4566218
CONFIRMATION #: 310 4541922
ADDITIONAL MESSAGE: Indian Material
IF YOU DON'T RECEIVE ALL THE PAGES, OR IF YOU WANT TO FAX A
DOCUMENT, CALL (810)-573-2020. THANK you!
SENT BY:Xerox Telecopier 7020 ; 3-25-92 ; 9:29AM ;
4562983;# 3
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 24 1992 8:51PM P02
Siller
THE PRESIDENT
GRIDIROW DINNER
MARCH 28, 1992
fellow insiders
There must be some congressmen in the room. It feels like
there's an overdraft.
*
(TAKE SIP OF WATER) Excuse me, Ann. silver foot went down
the wrong way.
First thing Monday morning I'm getting my eyes examined. Out
in the lobby, I swear I saw a guy in a turtleneck flashing
an 800 number.
Governor Jerry Brown was supposed to be here. But his
turtleneck snagged in the sipper of his UAW jacket. A police
emergency unit is using the Jawa of Life to remove him.
The governor of New York was invited, but he couldn't make
up his mind whether to fly, take the train, or wait 'til the
'96 Gridiron.
Bill Clinton planned to attend the dinner, 'til he heard the
dessert topping was nutmag.
SENT BY:Xerox Telecopier 7020 ; 3-25-92 ; 9:29AM ;
4562983;# 4
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 24 1992 8:51PM P03
-
-2
Enjoyed the musical numbers and the droll, aophisticated,
Noel Cowardesque skits...by the wit-challenged members of
the press.
quite a coup...hiring the authors of "Police Academy 9".
*
Thank God the NEA doesn't fund your skits. Try to justify
that to the voters.
You people give "dysfunotional" a bad name.
Your performances were riveting. There should be a warning
label on the program.. "Immodiately following a Gridiron, do
not operate heavy machinery".
Nearly the second time this year I lost consciousness during
a dinner.
Your performances had all the fun of a Yassar Arafat
bachelor party.
sitting through a Gridiron has always been my second
$
favorite fantasy. My favorite fantasy is to spend & year in
Biosphere 2 with the MoLaughlin Group. (or, with the Capital
Gang) (or, bungea-jumping into Tokyo strapped to Fritz
Hollings)
SENT BY:Xerox Telecopier 7020 ; 3-25-92 ; 9:30AM ;
4562983;# 5
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 24 1992 8:51PM P04
-3-
Tenight you were rougher than usual, but you don't frighten
no. I could lick you with one handler tied behind my back.
(SEC. ALEXANDER WILL HAVE SUNG COUNTRY MUSIC) I've heard
Garth Brooks in concert. I've seen Garth Brooks on the cover
*
of Time. Garth Brooks is a friend of mine. Lamar, you're no
Garth Brooks.
If anyone from the NEA is hero, I beg you not to fund him.
A
Lamar is the brother the Gatlins don't talk about.
Actually Lamar, you were great. Knecked my tube socks off.
I may be losing control of my Administration. This morning
in the situation Room, Colin Powell was singing
rap. sounded like a cross between M.C. Hammer and Rudy
Vallee.
That super market tabloid, the Star, is working on a story
A
about Lane Kirkland and throo members of the International
Ladies Garmont Workers Union Lane says he was just trying
to "look for the union labe1".
I don't want to rattle Al simpson. But this morning, Nina
Totenbery was in a D.C. gun shop pricing sniper scopos.
SENT BY:Xerox Telecopier 7020 ; 3-25-92 ; 9:30AM ;
4562983;# 6
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 24 1992 8:52PM P05
Last week, Dick Cheney hold a Pentagon briefing to show how
be had Patriot missiles intercept and destroy his three
giant checks.
with the world at poace, there isn't much work for our war
correspondents. Petor Arnett (Charles Jaco) has been
assigned to the Georgetown Four seasons in case there's a
flareup between Marla Maplos and Donald Trump. (...ammigned
to the Hill in case there's a flareup between Nina Totenberg
and A1 simpson)
When Marla threw her gold ring at Donald, Nick Brady dove
for it. With this deficit, every ounce counts.
Alan Groenspan says the economy is recovering. I hope he's
right. I just made a down payment on a pair of tube socks.
Took a lot of ridioule for purchasing a couple pair of
socks. To the press, tube sooks are & joke. To Senor Wences,
they're a livelihood.
This speech isn't just about me. It's for the heart and soul
of the Gridiren Club.
some news from Russia. Lenin isn't dead. He was just napping
during a particularly long Russian Gridiron dinner.
SENT BY:Xerox Telecopier 7020 ; 3-25-92 ; 9:30AM ;
4562983;# 7
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 24 1992 8:52PM P06
-5-
congratulations to BOB Straums, who was judged the wittiest
speaker at this year's Russian Gridiron. Bob really cracked
them up doing the Charleston dressed an Nine Khrushchev.
Bob Gates is considering a private news program that would
be available on encrypted computer to 200 top administration
officials that would offer instant analysis of news events.
That in itself is not a bad idea. But Bob may be getting
carried away. He wants to hire Cordon Liday to do weather
and sports.
Have you seen John Sununu on "crossfire"? Most people fael
Michael Kinsley in overreacting wearing shatterproof
glasses.
John Sununu already alienated the brass at CNN. Last weekend
be flew home to the dentist aboard a corporate jet...citing
the need for secure communication with Nichael Kinsley.
John Sununu may run for governor of Arkansas. John said,
"Not only do you fly on corporate jets, but they serve you
free chicken".
SENT BY:Xerox Telecopier 7020 ; 3-25-92 ; 9:31AM ;
4562983;# 8
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 24 1992 8:53PM P07
6-
Cosmonaut Sergei Krikalav returned to earth after ten months
in orbit. what must have gone through his mind when he saw
*
the dramatic changes in less than A year. The collapse of
the Soviet Union, Gorbachev out of power, super market
scanners
Ten months orbiting the earth. He clocked more time in space
than Jerry Brown.
Pravda is bankrupt. They went belly up after David Broder
(Kevin Phillips, Evans and Novak) doubled the rate to carry
his column.
Pravda went bankrupt. You have to feel for the Russian
people. They'll no longer get to read Doonesbury.
Rich Bond has been on the phone with the former Pravda
staffers. As Rich said, "You can never have too many spin
doctors".
Lee Iacooca is stepping down. Lee has been feverishly
working on a car for Chrysler executives. When the air bag
activates, out pops & golden parachute.
SENT BY:Xerox Telecopier 7020 ; 3-25-92 ; 9:31AM ;
4562983;# 9
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 24 1992 8:53PM PUB
Newt Gingrion has & take-no-prisoners personality. Newt has
the only looker with a pinup of Hannibal Lecter. (Or, Newt
Gingrich, the House Hannibal Lacter)
Art Buchwald is now suing the producers of "Basic Instinct".
Art claims they used his body as stunt double during Michael
Douglas's love scenes.
Jesse Helms is writing a Saturday morning cartoon show for
children starring Joe Camel.
It may surprise you to learn Jesse Helms joined the ranks of
animal rights supporters. Today outside the White House
Jesse walked a mile for Joe Camel. (or, Jesse Helms has
become an activist for animal rights. Jasse wants to put Joe
Camel on the endangered species list.)
Paul Tsongas pulled out of the race. The other candidates
are relieved. It was distracting debating a man who reeked
of chlorine.
The person most unhappy to see Paul bow out was his
unannounced running mate, Mark Spits.
Paul dropped out 80 he can devote more time to catching that
kwazy wabbit.
SENT BY:Xerox Telecopier 7020 ; 3-25-92 ; 9:32AM ;
4562983;#10
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 1992 8:53PM P09
- 8
We've got to curb the violence on TV. I'm speaking of the
$
Clinton-Brown debates.
Those debates are getting heated. The next one will be
*
produced by Don King.
It's getting nasty. Bill Clinton replaced one handler with a
*
out man.
You know it's gonna be vicious when the moderator begins the
debate with, "Lot's RUMBLE!" (A la Vegas fight announcer)
Last week, they had to use the Jaws of Life to remove Jerry
Brown's toeth from Bill Clinton's ankle.
New York police have warned residents to stay indoors so
they don't got injured in a drive-by political commercial.
This year's political commercials have been ugly. The only
thing worse would be the pictures from Yassar Arafat's
wedding night.
$
Candidates from both parties have engaged in vicious name-
calling. like "corrupt", "liar", ( "hypocrite", "fascist",
"draft dodger", "womanizer", "racist") "incumbent".
SENT BY:Xerox Telecopier 7020 ; 3-25-92 ; 9:32AM
4562983;#11
From : NHTROUND SILLER
PRUNE NO. : 215 5/3 2020
Mar. 24 1992 8:54PM P10
-
one candidate favors isolationism. You know the definition
of an isolationist. That's a guy who showed up for & Tom
Harkin victory party,
They accused me of pandering to the far right...just because
I proposed statehood for Rush Limbaugh.
To most of us, the campaign season means countless nights in
strange hotels. To (deadbeat pol or press person), it's a
chance to glom tiny shampoo bottles, shoe polishing cloths,
and chintsy white bathrobas.
I enjoy campaigning on the road, sleeping in hotels. It's a
pleasure to thumb through the Gideon Bible and know they
don't carry Doonesbury.
H. Ross Perot is launching a Presidential bid. Ross says he
won't accept any contribution under a billion dollars.
To Ross, the Kuwaiti ambassador is middle class. (KUWAITI
AMBASSADOR IS AT HEAD TABLE)
Rose may be out of touch with average Americans. He wants
Greenpeace to declare the polo pony an endangered species.
Ross's campaign alogan is, "The Krugerrand stops here".
SENT BY:Xerox Telecopier 7020 ; 3-25-92 ; 9:32AM
;
4562983:#12
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 24 1992 8:54PM P11
-10- ~ 10
Ross has the only penny loafers with Krugerrands.
Last week he tossed a tax-free municipal bond across the
Potomac.
The public can't get away from the candidates. The other day
in a Brooklyn K-Mart, a voice came over the speaker and
said, "Attention, K-Mart shoppers. I'm Jerry Brown and my
number is 800-426-1112".
Spent last weekend at Camp David with Helmut Kohl. Pat
Buchanan phoned the Chancellor and asked if he knew the blue
book price for a used Mercedes.
rat's plan to got America moving is to set aside a diamond
lane for Mercedes drivers.
Pat may have made a tactical error when he gave A speech in
a GM parking lot that began with, "Ich bin ein Mercedes
owner".
some say Pat really has his sights set on '96...when he
plans to run for Kaiser.
Pat tries to identify with people who frequent McDonald's.
But when Pat refers to # Big Mad, he means his fat neighbor
in MoLean.
SENT BY:Xerox Telecopier 7020 : 3-25-92 ; 9:33AM ;
4562983;#13
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 24 1992 8:55PM P12
1
11-
We're all glad Super Tuesday is behind us. For Ron Brown,
Super Tuesday is any Tuesday Jerry Brown has reot canal.
Jerry Brown withdrew his mombership from A California golf
club because they exclude extra-terrestrials.
Jerry Brown has proposed a tax out for middle-class
Trekkies.
Democratic strategists are considering a possible Clinton-
Brown ticket. That would provide e good balance. An outsider
and a far-outsider.
Jerry could deliver the uncommitted extra-terrestrials.
Jerry fools the momentum is going his way...according to his
pollster, Rod Serling.
Jerry Brown is orisscrossing the country aboard Winnebago
one.
Jerry Brown did surprisingly well in Michigan. According to
the exit polls, Jerry got the vote of 95% of all crash
dummies.
SENT BY:Xerox Telecopier 7020 ; 3-25-92 ; 9:33AM ;
4562983:#14
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 1992 8:55PM P13
-12 -
Jerry Brown lived two years in India, but was asked to
leave. Waving that 800 card scared the snakes back into
their baskets.
Jerry Brown has an abrasive personality. He's the only
person over to make Mother Teresa's enemies list.
Governor Brown inspired Mother Teresa to may, "Enough
already with the 800 number. Pass the curry".
Jerry Brown's campaign slogan is, "The Buddha stops here".
This year, even the scandals have changed. In the old days,
politicians worried about being caught in a motel. Now
they're scared they'll be spotted inside the Beltway.
This year, nobody's sacred. What will be the next
revelation? Lane Kirkland wears Taiwan tails?
The climate is changing on the Hill. Today & congressman got
into ad shouting match with a D.C. cop (mater maid). Rut the
cop (meter maid) refused to write him a parking ticket.
House members have gotten angry letters from bank robbers.
You can't blame the robbers. When they get caught pulling a
heist, they can't get the ticket fixed on their getaway car.
SENT BY:Xerox Telecopier 7020 ; 3-25-92 ; 9:34AM ;
4562983;#15
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 24 1992 8:55PM P14
13-
Recycling has caught on up on the Hill. At the House gym
members pasted together a batch of checks and built a
trampoline.
This whole business is pervasive. This morning Millie
fatched me a rubber slipper.
There's so much rubber on the Hill some members carpool in
the Goodyear Blimp.
They plan to reform the system. In the future, members may
be asked to walk through a rubber detector.
Today the House voted that the United States convert to the
rubber standard.
Did you know the Swise new keep their money in the House
bank?
The House post office scandal has the voters enraged. Elvis
threatenod to sue if they use his stamp.
What's going on up there? At the House post office they
replaced the Elvis stamp with John Gotti.
Nobody wants to be associated with the mess. Today three of
the "wanted" posters turned their heads to the wall.
SENT BY:Xerox Telecopier 7020 ; 3-25-92 ; 9:34AM ;
4562983;#16
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 24 1992 8:56PM P15
-14-
Their post office has a special express mail service "when
you absolutely positively have to make an overnight loan to
your campaign".
The public is finding out about the House's parks, like free
drugs. I hope that doesn't change. One thing the members
don't need now is someone stopping the flow of Maalox.
Why can't we go back to those innocent days when politicians
just took bribes?
Fundits predict this fall's contest will pit Rush versus
Clinton
Barbara against Hillary in the Pillsbury Bakeoff.
Saddam 1a worried the United States may hit Iraq with our
secret chemical weapon. the Arkansas chicken.
Talk about your land mines.
Secretary Chensy has assured me we have a sufficient number
of F-117 Stealth fighters and nuclear subs in place as a
precaution during Ted Kennedy's bachelor party.
SENT BY:Xerox lelecopier 7020 ; 3-25-92 ; 9:34AM ;
4552983;#17
From : SAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 24 1992 8:56PM P16
- 15-
A team of U.N. inspectors will supervise the dismantling of
Ted Konnedy's little black book.
The press no longer tries to hide its preference for liberal
politicians. Last night there was a bachelor party for Ted
Kennedy, and Sarah MoLendon popped out of the cake.
A jury granted a divorce to Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker on the
grounds of irreconcilable eyeliner.
The Colt Manufacturing Company applied for bankruptcy. The
final straw was losing the contract to distribute free guns
to D.C. (New York) schools.
Had a little trouble in Japan with the Vomit Thing.
My goal with Japan 1a someday to pass out on a level playing
field.
This isolationist mood has to stop. Dick Gephardt awarded me
3 points for barfing on a foreign head of state. and an
extra 5 point bonus because he was Japanesa.
!R! CASS 1; EXIT;
(FILE copy)
July 16, 1990
Mr. Jeff MacNelly
Chicago Tribune
1615 L. St., N.W.
Suite 300
Washington, D.C. 20036
Dear Mr. MacNelly:
I write (belatedly) to apologize for inadvertently putting
The Other Shoe on the silver foot at the Gridiron dinner.
Unaware of the origins of "shake the hand, bite the taco"
-- clearly inspired by an incisive strip that had since receded
into the blue smoke and mists of memory -- it was deeply painful
to have it rise and Biden me from behind.
I hope you'll attribute this to Brain Cramp on my part, and
not to deliberate theft. I'm neither that bold, nor Eliotic --
though it has been said that bad comedians borrow, and good
comedians steal.
The fact that your brilliant line (now billed as "age-old
political wisdom" on the back cover of your new book) is becoming
part of popular and Presidential usage should, I think, be seen
as a sign of greatness.
Like baseball, speechwriting is A Game for Masochists. But
I'm trying to make that Long, Agonizing Climb Out of the Cellar,
because The Shoe Must Go On.
Unfortunately, I'm Too Old for Summer Camp and Too Young to
Retire. So please accept the enclosed as a token of apology,
good faith, and best wishes from a true fan. As I've always
said, A Cigar Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry.
Sincerely,
Mark Lange
Speechwriter to the President
THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON
National Organization of Women Poster Child -- Alan Simpson
Wish Jerry Brown was here -- always wanted to see white tie and
turtleneck.
Jerry Brown. Woody Allen talked about him once. He's the guy
who cheated on his metaphysics exam. Looked inside the soul of
the guy seated next to him.
Wish I had the line-item veto -- not for Congress -- but for
tonights song lines.
Boy, poor Boris Yeltsin. There's a guy truly under seige --
taking shots from his right and his left -- his popularity in the
tank -- presiding over an economy on the skids. Whew! Am I glad
I'm not in his shoes!
lett me say one thing conght before we go any fuller
Not my recession -- I was out of the country.
My respects to the Silver Fox. No red hairdo tonight.
Seriously, to do what she does for the our country, her campaign
against illiteracy, working with so many groups on so many
issues, she's been a terriffic first lady who's raised a terrific
family. [pause for applause]
And she bakes some of the best
cookies you'll ever have.
Falen or pl
Tom Foluy's first words
I'm going to Disney world
Elvis stamp
Bob Marley Timothy Leary stay
President's response
Singing of Auld Lang Syne
I'm getting a rehearsal book of all the numbers to be
performed. Thomasson says this years theme songs are: "Guys and
Dolls" (Democrats) and "Macy's" (Republicans). There's going to
be a song about Quayle and about Reagan.
I called Ray Siller and Doug Gamble last week. They both
said they should have something for us today or tomorrow.
I've included the following:
Head table list (to date)
Guest list (to date)
List of new members
Bio of new Gridiron pres -- Thomasson
Bio of last year's pres -- Sperling
Copy of Radio and TV Correspondents' Dinner
Copy of last year's remarks
A couple of Nexis references of Gridiron -- could be joke
material
Blurb re Mark Hanna re ivory gavel
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4562983;# 4
'92-03-23 15:33 DOUG GAMBLE
P.3
. 3 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: CHRISTINA MARTIN - GRIDIRON (CONT'D)
WELL, IT'S NOW CLEAR THAT JUST ONE MORE PERSON STANDS BETWEEN ME AND REELECTION
IN NOVEMBER. BUT
I'M NOT HERE TO TALK ABOUT SADDAM HUSSEIN.
I DON'T THINK IT'S FAIR TO BLAME ME FOR THE RECESSION. I WAS OUT OF THE
COUNTRY WHEN IT HAPPENED.
I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT THE WORKING PEOPLE WON'T VOTE FOR ME. OF COURSE, THERE'S
ALWAYS THE CHANCE THAT BY NOVEMBER THERE WON'T BE ANY LEFT.
I'D BE DOING BETTER IN THE POLLS IF THE PRESS WOULD QUIT ASKING ME UNFAIR
TRICK QUESTIONS. LIKE, WHAT ARE MY PLANS FOR THE COUNTRY FOR THE NEXT FOUR
YEARS.
AND PEOPLE WHO SAY I DON'T KNOW WHERE I STAND JUST HAVE IT ALL WRONG. THERE'S
A LITTLE "X" MARKING THE SPOT RIGHT HERE BEHIND THE PODIUM.
I'M NOT AN ELITIST. IT'S JUST NOT TRUE THAT MY IDEA OF VISITING THE THIRD
WORLD WAS MY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING TRIP TO J.C. PENNEY.
I'VE BEEN FIGHTING THAT UNFAIR "ELITIST" TAG ALL MY LIFE. 1 REMEMBER THE FIRST
TIME 1 HEARD IT I WAS so SHOCKED I ALMOST FELL OFF MY POLO PONY.
I LOOK AT BORIS YELTSIN AND I SEE A MAN PRESIDING OVER A STRUGGLING ECONOMY, A
MM MAN WHOSE POPULARITY HAS PLUNGED, A MAN TAKING FLACK FROM CRITICS ON THE LEFT
AND THE RIGHT. BOY, I'M SURE GLAD I'M NOT IN HIS SHOES.
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4562983;# 5
192-03-23 15:34 DOUG GAMBLE
P.4
- 4 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: CHRISTINA MARTIN - GRIDIRON (CONT'D)
WE KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE POSSIBLE EFFECTS OF SCANDALS INVOLVING BILL
CLINTON, BUT I THINK IT'S TIME TO GET PAST ALL THAT AND CONCENTRATE ON
THE ISSUES. FRANKLY, I'M QUITE IMPRESSED WITH THE CLINTONS -- THE GOVERNOR,
HIS WIFE HILLARY, THEIR DOG "CHECKERS."
NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS IN THE FALL CAMPAIGN THERE WILL BE NO HARD FEELINGS,
NOTHING PERSONAL, AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED. IN FACT, AS A TOKEN OF FRIENDSHIP,
WE JUST SENT HILLARY CLINTON ONE OF BARBARA'S BEST RECIPES FOR COOKIES.
IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF THE NOVEMBER VOTE ENDS IN A
TIE -- THE WINNER WILL BE DETERMINED BY BILL CLINTON PLAYING A ROUND OF
GOLF AGAINST DAN QUAYLE.
I HEAR JERRY BROWN INSISTS HE ACTUALLY WON THE NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY. HE SAYS
THE ABSENTEE BALLOTS AREN'T IN YET FROM SATURN.
I THINK JERRY BROWN WAS WHO WOODY ALLEN HAD IN MIND WHEN HE SAID HE HEARD OF
SOMEONE WHO CHEATED ON HIS METAPHYSICS EXAM BY LOOKING INTO THE SOUL OF THE
GUY SEATED NEXT TO HIM.
I RESENT JERRY BROWN SAYING THAT THE WASHINGTON ESTABLISHMENT IS BOUGHT AND PAID
FOR. RENTED, MAYBE.
MORE..
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4562983;# 6
'92-03-23 15:34 DOUG GAMBLE
P.S
- 5 .
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: CHRISTINA MARTIN to GRIDIRON (CONT'D)
I'M SORRY THAT MARIO CUOMO DIDN'T RUN AND WIN THE NOMINATION. WHAT AN EXCITING
EVENT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN. I CAN PICTURE IT NOW -- THE WORLD FINDS OUT THAT
MARIO HAS BEEN CHOSEN WHEN WHITE SMOKE COMES FROM THE CHIMNEY AT DEMOCRATIC
HEADQUARTERS.
MARIO DOESN'T REALLY MIND NOT BEING PRESIDENT. IT JUST GALLS HIM THAT SOMEONE
ELSE IS.
PAT BUCHANAN HAS EVERY RIGHT TO RUN AGAINST ME, EVERY RIGHT TO CRITICIZE AND TO
OFFER HIS OWN PROGRAMS FOR THE REPUBLICAN PARTY. THERE'S NO ILL-WILL, WE'LL
PATCH THINGS UP, AND I HOPE HE KEEPS IN TOUCH WHEN I REWARD HIM WITH A NEW
GOVERNMENT POST -- U.S. ENVOY TO THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE.
1 WANT PAT TO KNOW THAT WE HELD BACK THE HEAVY ARTILLARY, WE NEVER DID RUN THE
COMMERCIAL THAT SHOWED A PICTURE OF PAT AND HAD THE ANNOUNCER ASKING "WOULD
YOU BUY A USED MERCEDES FROM THIS MAN?"
I'M IMPRESSED BY THE CREATIVITY OF SOME CONGRESSMEN IN EXPLAINING THEIR BOUNCED
CHECKS. BELIEVING SOME OF THE TALES THEY TOLD IS LIKE BELIEVING THERE'S A NEW
POLITICAL GROUP CALLED "ZULUS FOR BUCHANAN,"
THE CHECK BOUNCED BY MY FRIEND BOB DORNAN WAS TO PAY FOR A STATUE OF THE VIRGIN
MARY HE WAS INSTALLING IN HIS BACKYARD IN ORANGE COUNTY. (pause) so HE'D HAVE
A PLACE TO PRAY THAT HIS CHECK WOULDN'T BOUNCE.
MORE
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192-03-23 15:35 DOUG GAMBLE
P.6
. 6 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: CHRISTINA MARTIN - GRIDIRON (CONT'D)
I DON'T WANT THE CONGRESSMEN WHO BOUNCED CHECKS TO THINK I'M HAVING FUN AT
THEIR EXPENSE. TO SHOW THERE ARE NO HARD FEELINGS, I'VE SENT EACH OF THEM
AN ATTRACTIVE GIFT -- A RUBBER PLANT.
I WAS SURPRISED TO HEAR THAT TED KENNEDY IS GETTING MARRIED. ALL OVER AMERICA,
SWINGERS ARE MARKING THE END OF AN ERA BY # LOWERING THEIR ZIPPERS TO HALF MAST.
THERE WAS A THREE-ALARM FIRE IN VIRGINIA LAST NIGHT. AT FIRST 1 THOUGHT A
HUGE BUILDING WAS BEING DESTROYED BUT IT WAS JUST TED KENNEDY MAKING A BONFIRE
OF ALL HIS LITTLE BLACK BOOKS.
MAYBE THE TIME HAS COME FOR ME TO GET TOUGHER WITH THE JAPANESE. IF THEY
WON'T LISTEN TO ME, PERHAPS THEY'LL LISTEN TO MY NEW AMBASSADOR TO TOKYO --
FRITZ HOLLINGS.
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4562983;# 2
15.55 DOUG GRIBLE
P.1
DOUG GAMBLE
424 . 36th Place
Manhattan Beach, CA 90266
March 23/92
(310) 546-6409
TO: CHRISTINA MARTIN
6 Pages
GRIDIRON DINNER (Dave Demarest)
THIS LOOKS LIKE JUST ANOTHER COME-AS-YOU-ARE PARTY AT H. ROSS PEROT'S HOUSE.
IT'S A PLEASURE TO BE BACK HERE AGAIN AT THE GRIDIRON DINNER. I DON'T THINK
I'VE BEEN THIS EXCITED SINCE I WAS SHOWN THAT SUPERMARKET CHECKOUT SCANNER IN
FLORIDA,
(looking at watch) I'M SORRY THIS RAN ON so LONG. I WAS HOPING I'D HAVE TIME
TO DROP BY THE HOUSE POST OFFICE TO GET A PRESCRIPTION FILLED.
WHEN I WAS GETTING DRESSED TONIGHT, BARBARA NOTICED I HAD A STUBBORN COWLICK
STICKING UP FROM THE TOP OF MY HEAD. SHE CAME AT ME WITH A COMB AND A CAN OF
HAIRSPRAY AND SAID "THIS WILL NOT STAND."
I THINK I SHOULD BE COMMENDED FOR KEEPING MY DINNER DOWN IN THE FACE OF TONIGHT'S
ENTERTAINMENT.
MORE...
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4562983;# 3
.'92-03-23 15:33 DOUG GAMBLE
P.2
. 2 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: CHRISTINA MARTIN - GRIDIRON (CONT'D)
AFTER HEARING SOME OF THE LINES IN TONIGHT'S SONGS, I WISH MORE THAN EVER
THAT 1 HAD A LINE-ITEM VETO.
ACTUALLY, THOSE PERFORMANCES BY MY FRIENDS IN THE MEDIA WERE so GOOD, I THINK
YOU SHOULD BE PAID FOR THEM. I I'LL ASK CONGRESS TO WRITE YOU A CHECK.
I WAS A LITTLE WORRIED ABOUT THE COMPETITION TONIGHT. I ASKED SAM SKINNER
WHAT HE THOUGHT THE CHANCES WERE OF ME BEING FUNNIER THAN ANN RICHARDS. HE
SAID "ABOUT THE SAME AS THE CHANCES OF ALAN SIMPSON BEING NAMED POSTER BOY
FOR THE NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR WOMEN."
I'M GLAD ANN RICHARDS DIDN'T SEE THE TROUBLE I HAD GETTING IN HERE TONIGHT.
I KEPT SETTING OFF THE METAL DETECTOR WITH MY SILVER FOOT.
IT'S GOOD TO HAVE RON BROWN AT THE HEAD TABLE, BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT TO SOME
DISAPPOINTMENT. AT FIRST I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE JERRY BROWN, AND I WAS DYING TO
SEE WHAT A WHITE TIE LOOKED LIKE WITH A UAW WINDBREAKER.
LAMAR ALEXANDER NOT ONLY DID A GREAT JOB TONIGHT, BUT HE'S PROVING TO BE AN
OUTSTANDING EDUCATION SECRETARY. HE TOLD ME JUST YESTERDAY THAT THE DAYS OF
THE IGNORANT AMERICAN ARE ENDING, THAT TEST SCORES ARE IMPROVING -- IN ALL
48 STATES.
MORE.
Mar. 23 / Administration of George Bush, 1991
see-a more democratic government and
think that would be much-the best ap-
more rights to the people of Iraq. That's all.
proach. Yes, I would use this opportunity to
Q. Can I follow up on that? Have you
say that. And that's what we plan to do.
come to the conclusion that the case of
And so I think that's the best answer to a
downfall of Saddam Hussein, the power
very, very complicated question and a situa-
vacuum in Iraq could be replaced easily,
tion that's now in turmoil inside of Iraq.
and have you addressed the situation in
But I think that, in terms of the airplanes,
northern Iraq?
it doesn't come as any surprise to me that
President Bush. Is this for me or for
Iran is not sending back a bunch of air-
President Özal?
planes. Frankly, I'm very pleased that
Q. Both.
they're not. But that has little to do with
President Bush. Go ahead, you're the
who's intervening inside of Iraq.
expert in the area.
President Özal. I really don't know be-
Well, thank you all very, very much.
cause we have been so much involved with
Hostages in Lebanon
only one man in power, single man in
Q. What about the Western hostages in
power in Iraq. And probably our thinking is
Lebanon?
such a way that there should be no replace-
ment. But I don't think so.
President Bush. Oh, I hope they get out.
Q. Can I follow up on that? Will Turkey
allow an independent Kurdistan in Iraq-
Note. The President's 76th news conference
Kurdish state in Iraq?
began at 3:37 p.m. in the Briefing Room at
President Özal. No, I said no.
the White House.
Q. Did you discuss recent Turkish con-
tacts with Iraqi opposition, namely Kurds?
President Bush. I didn't have any discus-
sions. Maybe others did. I did not.
Remarks at the Gridiron Dinner
Yes, last one. This is the last. We really
have to head
March 23, 1991
Q. You said the United States was staying
out of those internal affairs. Are you satis-
Thank you very much: Mr. Vice Presi-
fied that Iran is staying out of the internal
dent and members of the Cabinet, mem-
affairs? And could you give us your assess-
bers of the congressional leadership, diplo-
ment of the way Iran has behaved from the
matic corps, special guests. And on this spe-
time the-
cial Gridiron evening, may I single out the
President Bush. Well, I'm not sure I do
members of the Joint Chiefs and the other
understand what Iran's role is in the south.
members of the military that are with us
And I'm not sure-there have been some
tonight. May I also single out Messrs. Baker
reports of people going across from Iran
and Strauss. [Laughter] After sitting
into southern Iraq. But I haven't seen an
through their parts in the program, I'll say
estimate on it. What was your second part?
this: If I'd had a white flag, I'd have waved
Q. Their behavior as far as the planes, for
it. [Laughter] No, I thought they had some
example-they've decided now to keep the
very good material. The ground war only
planes.
took 100 hours. [Laughter]
President Bush. That didn't surprise us at
I'm very happy to see Kuwait's Ambassa-
all.
dor here-Al-Sabah, the Ambassador from
Q. Okay. Do you want-or have you told
Kuwait. I understand that during his recent
Iran to stay out?
travels with Jim Baker, Jim tried out some
President Bush. I don't believe we've
of tonight's jokes on him. And after hearing
made a direct representation to Iran of that
them, the Ambassador said, "Don't you
nature.
think we've suffered enough?" [Laughter]
Q. Don't you think we should?
No, but Jim put it well. We have been
President Bush. Well, I think it would be
friends. And I have total confidence in him.
better if everybody stayed out and let the
Remember 1980? He's the guy who told me
Iraqi people decide what they want to do. I
in New Hampshire, "Don't worry; let the
364
Administration of George Bush, 1991 / Mar. 25
uch-the best ap-
guy from California pay for the mike."
and bravery and duty and country, and
this opportunity to
[Laughter]
were willing to sacrifice for the sake of
at we plan to do.
And I understand Eppie Lederer is with
those simple words. And they liberated a
e best answer to a
us tonight over here at table 12. We all
nation abroad and helped transform a
uestion and a situa-
know her as Ann Landers. Apparently, Bob
nation at home.
noil inside of Iraq.
Strauss wrote to her recently, and she asked
So, once again, Budge, my congratula-
ms of the airplanes,
me to read her response: "Dear Washington
tions to you, sir. Thank you for a very spe-
urprise to me that
Wheeler-Dealer," it says-{laughter}-"yes,
cial, enjoyable Gridiron evening. And may
-k a bunch of air-
take the money from both sides." [Laugh-
God bless the families of all those soldiers
very pleased that
ter]
that we lost in action.
is little to do with
But this has been a very special evening,
Thank you all very, very much.
of Iraq.
with emphasis understandably on the Gulf.
y, very much.
And it's great to have so many members of
Note: The President spoke at 7:08 p.m. in
the press back from the Gulf in time for
the Presidential Ballroom at the Capitol
this Gridiron. I know many of the reporters
Hilton Hotel. In his remarks, he referred to
estern hostages in
out there were roughing it lately. Sam Don-
Secretary of State James A. Baker III; Robert
aldson, though, said it wasn't so bad staying
Strauss, former chairman of the Democratic
hope they get out.
at the Sheraton Riyadh. In fact, he said the
Party; advice columnist Ann Landers; re-
towels were so fluffy that he could barely
porters Sam Donaldson of ABC News and
get his suitcase shut. [Laughter]
th news conference
Wolf Blitzer of Cable News Network; re-
Some air war, wasn't it? I've just learned
e Briefing Room at'
tired baseball player Jim Palmer, who re-
the three words every Iraqi pilot dreaded
cently attempted a comeback; Bernard
the most: Cleared for takeoff. [Laughter]
What a crowd. I haven't gotten so many
Shaw, one of CNN's reporters in Baghdad,
laughs since my last speech on domestic
Iraq, during the early stages of the Persian
policy. [Laughter] Thank you.
Gulf conflict; and Godfrey "Budge" Sperl-
on Dinner
Now the attention is turned back to the
ing, Jr., president of the Gridiron Club. A
homefront, maybe Wolf Blitzer can go back
tape was not available for verification of
to his real name. [Laughter]
the content of these remarks.
:h: Mr. Vice Presi-
I'm glad that politics '92 didn't rear its
the Cabinet, mem-
ugly head too much tonight. Well, it did a
il leadership, diplo-
little bit. And I understand that there is
its. And on this spe-
speculation already about the '92 race. In
Remarks on Signing the Greek
ay I single out the
fact, just the other day, Jim Palmer sent a
Independence Day Proclamation
hiefs and the other
telegram to George McGovern. It read:
March 25, 1991
y that are with us
"Heard you were considering a comeback.
e out Messrs. Baker
Stop." [Laughter]
The President. Thank you very much for
ter] After sitting
No, but it has been a special evening. I
the welcome. Please be seated. It's a great
he program, I'll say
notice that Bernie Shaw was sitting at the
pleasure to see so many friends here today.
¹lag, I'd have waved
table instead of under it. [Laughter]
Of course, a very special pleasure just now
All kidding aside, though, really it has
ight they had some
to welcome Archbishop Iakovos back to the
been, I think, the most enjoyable Gridiron
ie ground war only
Oval Office. He's been there on several oc-
in many, many years. Barbara and I enjoy
er]
casions since I've been President; certainly
ourselves always. I must say that, with all
Kuwait's Ambassa-
before, many times. But it gave me an op-
respect to the two skits and to Ambassador
e Ambassador from
portunity to express my respect and appre-
Strauss and to Secretary Baker, I think that
ciation for him. He's been a wonderful
at during his recent
the most moving part, the most wonderful
Jim tried out some
friend and a good counselor on very impor-
part of the evening, was the tribute to the
tant matters.
1. And after hearing
troops. And there was a special line in it,
I want to salute Ed Derwinski. He's not
said, "Don't you
you may have heard in the beginning:
Greek but he was a former Member of the
nough?" [Laughter]
"Through the fog of distant war shines the
éll. We have been
Congress. [Laughter] He's got a lot of
strength of their devotion." And as I've said
1 confidence in him.
friends in the Greek-American community,
before, our soldiers and our sailors and our
he guy who told me
I'll tell you. And I also am delighted to see
airmen and our marines and our coast-
Ambassador Zacharakis who's here-an-
on't worry; let the
uardmen embodied the ideals of honor
other man who's doing a superb job.
365
03/19/92
14:45
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001/002
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WASHINGTON X 20005
202.408.1484
SCRIPPS HOWARD
I
NEWS SERVICE
THIS COVER SHEET BEGINS A FACSIMILE TRANSMISSION FROM
SCRIPPS HOWARD NEWS SERVICE
IF YOU DO NOT RECEIVE ALL THE PAGES OR EXPERIENCE
TRANSMISSION PROBLEMS, PLEASE CALL THE INDIVIDUAL
SENDER AT SCRIPPS HOWARD AT (202) 408-1484 FOR
ASSISTANCE.
DATE: March 19, 1992
TIME:
2:40 pm
PLEASE DELIVER THE FOLLOWING PAGES AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
TO:
Michelle Nix
FROM:
Rita Sutherland
NUMBER OF PAGES:
1
(NOT INCLUDING COVER SHEET)
THANK YOU
03/19/92
14:45
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SCRIPPS HOWARD
002/002
President of Gridicon Club
DAN K. THOMASSON
Dan King Thomasson is a member of a pioneer Indiana
family who grew up in Shelbyville, Indiana, graduated from
Indiana University, and did graduate work at Colorado
University. During college, he was editor-in-chief of the
Indiana Daily Student, a job once held by Ernest Taylor Pyle,
was president of the Indiana University Student Foundation,
general chairman of the Little 500 bicycle race, president of
Sigma Delta Chi, and an editor of the Arbutus.
Following college, he joined the staff of the
Indianapolis Star. He served two years in the army before
becoming a reporter for the Rocky Mountain News. He was
political editor of the News when he was assigned to
Washington by Scripps Howard in 1964 in time for the 1964
presidential campaign.
He became chief congressional correspondent for Scripps
Howard in 1966 and in 1973 was named by Washingtonian Magazine
as one of the nation's 10 best investigative reporters.
He devoted much of his time to investigations, ranging
from Bobby Baker and Thomas Dodd to Sen. Edward Kennedy's
Chappaquiddick and Nixon's Watergate. He covered several
administrations on Capitol Hill and three presidential
campaigns.
Thomasson became managing editor of Scripps Howard
News Service in 1976 and in January 1980 become editor of
Scripps Howard News Service and chief of the 50 person
Washington Bureau. He became Vice President for news of
Scripps Howard Newspapers in October 1986.
Thomasson has appeared over the years on a variety of
national television shows including Face the Nation, Good
Morning America, the Today show, Washington Week in Review,
and C-Span.
He has been an editor in residence at a number of
universities and has been a speaker at the national
Investigative Reporters and Editors meetings at Ohio State and
Washington and Lee Universities. He joined former
Pennsylvania Governor William Scranton as the 1986 E. Don Tull
lecturers at Franklin College. He is a trustee of Franklin
College, a member of the National Public Affairs Council for
Indiana University, and a member of the board of advisors of
the Ohio University School of Journalism.
He is a member of the White House Correspondents
Association and the American Society of Newspaper Editors. He
is president of the Gridiron Club, the Raymond Clapper
Foundation and a director of the Scripps Howard Foundation.
Last year's president Budge"
president
GODFREY SPERLING, JR., born in Long Beach, California, in
1915, but grew up in the Midwest (Urbana, Illinois).
B.S. in Journalism, University of Illinois, 1937; L.L.B. (J.D.)
Law, University of Oklahoma, 1940.
Joined Monitor after five years of service as an officer
in the U.S. Air Force (rose to Major) during World War II;
retired as Colonel in Reserves in 1975.
Joined Christian Science Monitor in 1946. For 11 years
Monitor's Washington Bureau Chief, up to 1984. Now Monitor's
X
senior Washington columnist. Founder and host of Sperling
Breakfast Group. President Reagan honored Sperling on the
17th anniversary of the breakfast, and continued to do so on
the 18th, 19th and 20th anniversary. In the past both
Presidents Ford and Carter also had the group into the White
House for breakfasts.
Wife: Betty. Daughter: Mary McAuliffe, an historian at CIA;
son-in-law: Jack McAuliffe, Director of Marketing at Kennedy
Center for Performing Arts; Granddaughter: Mavyn McAuliffe, 18,
and headed for MIT. Son: John in real estate in Las Vegas.
wife
Betty
(Budge)
RADIO AND TV CORRESPONDENTS \ WASHINGTON HILTON HOTEL
THURSDAY, MARCH 19, 1992 \ 8:30 P.M.
THELMA LABRECHT, THANK YOU FOR THAT KIND
INTRODUCTION.
I'M DELIGHTED TO BE HERE TONIGHT - [PAUSE] - NOT!
I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO STAY FOR DINNER. BUT THEN I
SAW THE MENU: CARROTS, ALSO KNOWN AS ORANGE BROCCOLI.
- 2 -
AND YES, I'VE SEEN THAT NEW STUDY SAYING BROCCOLI
HAS CERTAIN HEALTH EFFECTS. THAT PROVES MY POINT: IT
TASTES LIKE MEDICINE.
I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU ALL COULD MAKE IT TONIGHT.
MARLIN'S RIGHT: IF YOU WANT THE PRESS TO SHOW UP FOR
YOUR SPEECH, JUST CUT THE AUDIO.
- 3 -
I'M SORRY MARLIN'S NOT HERE. OF COURSE, I KNOW
ABOUT HIS RECENT BLOW-UP ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL, WHEN HE
CALLED SEVERAL OF YOU "LAZY WHATCHAMACALLITS." PLEASE
UNDERSTAND: HE HAD A BAD DAY. EARLIER THAT MORNING
HE'D SHATTERED HIS THIGHMASTER.
- 4 -
It's BEEN QUITE A CAMPAIGN so FAR. I COULDN'T
BELIEVE THE NERVE OF MY REPUBLICAN OPPONENT. FIRST, HE
LOSES SEVERAL PRIMARIES -- AND THEN DEMANDS I WITHDRAW.
THEN HE LOSES SEVERAL MORE -- AND HE DEMANDS I FIRE THE
CHAIRMAN OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY. THEN HE HAD THE GALL
TO NAME HIS RUNNING MATE, A GUY HE SAID SHARES HIS
VISION AND EXPERIENCE. BUT WHO'D VOTE FOR A TICKET
WITH GERALDO RIVERA ON IT?
- 5 -
AND DAVID DUKE: HE TRIED TO TAKE THE "AMERICA
FIRST" THEME AWAY FROM PAT. DUKE SWORE ALL HIS FACIAL
FEATURES WERE MADE IN THE USA.
THEN THERE'S THE DEMOCRATS. I'M SORRY THAT PAUL
TSONGAS SUSPENDED HIS CAMPAIGN TODAY. HE'S A
THOROUGHLY DECENT MAN. PAUL AND I GO WAY BACK. You
KNOW, I WAS HIS FIRST CHARISMA TUTOR.
- 6 -
AND THEN THERE'S CLINTON, A VERY FORMIDABLE
CANDIDATE. I JUST WONDER WHETHER CUOMO WOULD RUN AS
HILLARY'S VICE PRESIDENT.
EIGHT MONTHS TO THE ELECTION -- AND ALREADY THE
DIRTY TRICKS HAVE BEGUN. I PICKED UP THE HOTLINE THIS
MORNING TO TALK TO YELTSIN -- AND I GOT JERRY BROWN ON
THAT DAMN 800 NUMBER.
- I -
Now TO THE ISSUES: I'VE BEEN ACCUSED OF DOWNPLAYING
THE ISSUE OF FOREIGN AID. So LET ME BE BLUNT: I FAVOR
FOREIGN AID. AND THE SOONER WE GET SOME THE BETTER.
AND HOW ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON ON CAPITOL HILL?
I
WAS WATCHING C-SPAN WHEN THE CHECK-KITING SCANDAL
BROKE. A CONGRESSMAN RAN TO THE MICROPHONE AND
SHOUTED: "Is THERE A SPIN DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE?"
- 8 -
As AN ENVIRONMENTALIST I AM DEEPLY CONCERNED ABOUT
THIS SCANDAL. EVERY TIME A CONGRESSMAN ORDERS A NEW
BATCH OF CHECKS A RUBBER TREE DIES.
Trees?
Y boo-boo / but corrected it later.
I KNOW THIS IS GOING TO BE A TOUGH CAMPAIGN, BUT
I'VE BEEN FEELING MORE OPTIMISTIC THE LAST SEVERAL
DAYS. A FEW MONTHS AGO, A DEMOCRAT TOLD ME: "THERE'S
ABOUT AS MUCH CHANCE OF YOU WINNING THIS ELECTION AS
TEDDY KENNEDY SETTLING DOWN AND GETTING MARRIED."
- 9 -
BUT IF I COULD PUT JOKES ASIDE FOR A MOMENT -- I
KNOW YOU HAVE TOUGH JOBS, AND TOUGH TIMES HAVEN'T MADE
THEM ANY EASIER. IN YOUR OWN INDUSTRY, YOU'VE HAD
CUTBACKS AND LAYOFFS. AND YET I NEVER FAIL TO BE
IMPRESSED BY WHAT YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH, DESPITE THE
PROBLEMS. THINK BACK TO FEBRUARY: FOR TWO WEEKS, CBS
MANAGED TO INTERRUPT SOME OF THEIR COMMERCIALS TO BRING
US GLIMPSES OF THE OLYMPICS.
- 10 -
AND I'M IMPRESSED BY THE RANGE OF THE STORIES YOU
COVER -- PARTICULARLY THOSE HUMAN INTEREST STORIES. I
NOTICE SOME PEOPLE THINK THEY DISCOVERED THE WRECKAGE
OF AMELIA EARHART'S PLANE. FASCINATING STUFF. THEY'VE
FOUND PART OF THE PLANE, THE HEEL FROM A SHOE, AND A
TRAVEL VOUCHER FOR JOHN SUNUNU.
BIG LAUGH
- 11 -
BUT NOW I WOULD LIKE TO ADD A MORE SERIOUS WORD, IF
I MAY. THIS IS GOING TO BE A TOUGH, LONG YEAR, AS IT
IS EVERY FOUR YEARS. SOME OF IT WILL BE FUN, SOME OF.
IT MAY BE UNPLEASANT -- ALL OF IT WILL BE PRETTY
TIRING. BUT I'M CONFIDENT THAT WHEN IT'S ALL OVER,
WE'LL STILL BE TALKING -- BECAUSE WE'LL KNOW WE'VE BOTH
BEEN DOING OUR JOBS THE BEST WE KNOW HOW.
- 12 - -
I DON'T EVEN MIND SOME OF YOUR SCURRILOUS
ACCUSATIONS -- FOR EXAMPLE, THAT I'M ALWAYS
OVERSCHEDULED AND FRENETICALLY JUMPING FROM ONE THING
TO THE NEXT. ((I'D LIKE TO REFUTE THAT, BUT I'VE GOT
TO RUN. I'M OUTTA HERE.))
THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.
# # #
SENT BY:Xerox Telecopier 7020 ; 3-23-92 ; 4:05PM ;
4562983;# 2
March 23, 1992
MEMORANDUM FOR DAVID DEMAREST
FROM:
MICHELE NIX
SUBJECT:
GRIDIRON
More schtuff:
The Gridiron Club now has three "candidate used-to-be's"
confirmed for the dinner -- Moe, Larry, and Curly (I mean,
Buchanan, Tsongas, and Kerry). They still don't know about
Shemp -- Harkin. Thomasson suspects Clinton will not come -
- but will let us know as soon as he hears. Brown is a
definite no.
Lamar is planning a medley of country music songs -- with
the words rewritten to parody Ann Richards, Clinton, the
Dems in general. He's also doing a "light teasing" of the
President -- nothing bad. The last song is supposed to
address both sides -- in a way that will end the performance
on a "unified high note."
Thomasson said the show's songs and skits are still being
reworked -- so he can't send me over any of the sheet music
or scripts just yet.
I talked to Ray Siller again -- he wrote a little this
weekend. He already had some Japan (re barf) jokes. He's
sending those anyway in case we change our minds about using
them. He's aware of the Tsongas et al. update and will work
on some jokes about them. Siller wrote a letter to POTUS
early last week re doing a top ten list (along the lines of
the Top 10 reasons why I should be re-elected). I told him
that the idea had been broached a couple weeks ago. He said
he'd just wait for a go ahead from the President before
doing it -- unless we want him to go ahead with it.
Services of Mead Data Central, Inc.
PAGE
7
3RD STORY of Level 1 printed in FULL format.
Copyright 1991 Globe Newspaper Company;
The Boston Globe
December 10, 1991, Tuesday, City Edition
SECTION: NATIONAL/FOREIGN; Pg. 26
LENGTH: 152 words
HEADLINE: ASK THE GLOBE
BODY:
Q. What is the history of Washington's Gridiron Club? E.C., Boston
A. The club was founded in 1885 by members of the Washington press, who often
found themselves excluded from the workings of government. (Officials disliked
discussing government business, and members of Congress often packed the
visitors' gallery with their guests 50 there was no room for reporters.) The 30
original Gridiron members were each asked to ante $ 1 to launch the club, which
then promptly invited politicians to dinner. Although women were excluded until
1974, club rules have almost always insisted that speakers at Gridiron dinners
behave as if "ladies were present." The rule was hastily adopted after the first
club president, Benjamin Parley Poore, gave what club historians call a "pretty
racy" talk. A second rule is that the annual Gridiron satirical show on
Washington politics may "singe but never burn."
LEXIS'NEXIS'LEXIS'NEXIS
Services of Mead Data Central, Inc.
PAGE
6
The Washington Post, March 10, 1992
Former California governor Pat Brown (father of one presidential hopeful)
will relive his historic 1962 gubernatorial win over Richard Nixon when he faces
off with H.R. Haldeman on a panel at the Nixon Library later this month.
Touchstone Pictures has put off production of the political thriller
"Ultimatum" -- which was to be filmed here and include a fictitious scene of the
power Gridiron Dinner -- because it has yet to sign an actor for the starring
role. Both Richard Gere and Al Pacino had scheduling conflicts.
Tom Cruise will reportedly be tapped as leading man for the film version of
the best-selling novel "The Firm," long in development by Paramount.
Nixon vs. Scruggs: When No Is Not Enough
No one would ever accuse Jan Scruggs of leaving well enough alone. Now, the
controversial head of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial Fund has apparently teed off
Richard Nixon. After having the former president turn down his request to be the
keynote speaker at the memorial's 10th-anniversary ceremony, Scruggs fired off
several more letters challenging Nixon to show up at the monument tomorrow,
while he is in Washington. By Friday, Nixon aide Kathy 0' Connor had replied in
kind: "Having declined your initial invitation I was surprised to receive
your badgering, disrespectful, unproductive correspondence I am particularly
aghast over your exhortation that President Nixon display some 'positive
leadership. I refer you to his 1985 book 'No More Vietnams.' Perhaps by reading
it, you will learn something."
Said the relentless Scruggs yesterday: "We still haven't given up hope."
Whooops
"There's a hush about Westminster Abbey.
...
For this is not only a
thousand-year-old house of worship but the final resting place of kings and
queens. Edward I, Richard II, Henry III all sleep here, as do Elizabeth I and
her half-sister, Mary Queen of Scots."
A British Airways magazine ad incorrectly stating England's history.
Elizabeth and Mary were not sisters, half or otherwise, but merely cousins -
and once removed at that.
GRAPHIC: PHOTO, THE MEMORIAL FUND'S JAN SCRUGGS. BILL O'LEARY; PHOTO, BILL
SNEAD; PHOTO
TYPE: COLUMN
SUBJECT: RENT; DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA
NAMED-PERSONS: JOHN A. WILSON; JAN SCRUGGS; RICHARD M. NIXON; TOM CRUISE; EDMUND
G. BROWN
LEXIS'NEXIS'LEXISNEXIS
ated as the chief dispenser of McKinley administration
patronage. A pie four feet in diameter was wheeled into
the room, as a symbol of McKinley "pie and prosperity".
On impulse the Gridiron president presiding inquired
Boss And Protégé
whether Hanna would like to play the part of himself. He
volunteered and was handed a huge knife. As he started
on the first slice, a noisy, costumed herd of job-seekers
Mark Hanna cuts a patronage pie and
rushed in, snatched away the pie and ran out with it.
No one enjoyed himself more at Gridiron dinners than
upstages President McKinley; he gives the
Mark Hanna. After several years as a guest, he returned
the hospitality by inviting all club members to a private
club its ivory gavel.
dinner in which the Gridiron format of exchanging hu-
morous insults was followed.
He also gave the club an ivory gavel. This is presented
T
he public liked bland William McKinley, after a
at each Spring Dinner to the Gridiron president elected for
fashion. It never felt at ease with the hard-nosed
that year.
political boss, Marcus A. Hanna, who made Mc-
As a reward for services rendered, McKinley in one of
Kinley President of the United States.
his early acts as President arranged Hanna's appointment
With the Gridiron Club, it was the other way around.
as a Senator from Ohio, filling a vacancy created by
To see why we turn to the Gridiron dinner of March,
McKinley's nomination of Senator John Sherman to be
1897, shortly after the McKinley inauguration. McKinley
Secretary of State. After the McKinley assassination
had been a guest before, in the previous decade when he
Hanna continued as a powerful Senator, winning re-elec-
served as a congressman. This time he delivered a short,
tion in his own right.
theoretically humorous speech. Nowhere in the club's
Hanna made no secret of his scom for the reforms of
records or scrapbooks is there a hint of the tone or sub-
Theodore Roosevelt, successor to McKinley in the presi-
stance of what he said.
dency. He usually referred to Teddy as "that damned
For Mark Hanna, it was his first appearance. He had
cowboy."
won international fame for his skilled backstage manipu-
When failing health forced Hanna's confinement to bed
lation and fund-raising behind Republican McKinley's
early in 1904, he spurned his doctor's advice and came to
victory over William Jennings Bryan, the far superior
the January Gridiron dinner. Illness prevented him from
orator of the Democrats. Hanna had a reputation, also, as
eating or drinking, but he followed the program with
a tough, multi-millionaire business tycoon; but his per-
customary enthusiasm.
sonality was an unknown quantity in Washington.
He told his host that the evening had done more for him
So when Hanna was called on to speak, he had a room-
than a week of his doctor's care. Then he went home and
ful of curious and skeptical listeners.
back to bed-and died a short time later.
"I know many members of the Gridiron Club," he be-
gan, then paused. "I have met most of you in the tented
fields of campaign rallies and in the barrooms of New
York and Chicago." Though these words weren't bril-
liant, they won a burst of approval. They showed Hanna
felt at home, and had come to join in the fun. The rest of
his remarks were light and self-deprecatory in the Grid-
THE SUCKEST MAN № ALL TAR SROW,
MARCUS A.KAHNA STANDS:
iron tradition.
He SAYS no-worth NE HAS, YOU knows
McKinley.
In a skit later in the program Hanna was to be imperson-
An ELEPHANT ON as HANDS.