Ask the Scholar
Document scope · 1 page
Scholar
Ask about this object, its catalog metadata, its source description, or the page inventory.
For page-specific OCR and visual context, open one of the page chats.
Scholar Source Context
Document identity
localId
323152875
label
Gridiron Club Dinner 4/1/90 [OA 6895] [1]
core
doc
dtoType
document
citationUrl
pageCount
1
Source metadata
id
323152875
contentType
document
title
Gridiron Club Dinner 4/1/90 [OA 6895] [1]
citationUrl
identifierLocal
13710-011
collections
Records of the White House Office of Speechwriting (George H. W. Bush Administration)
Speech Backup Chronological Files
imageCount
1
hasImages
yes
source
import
hasTranscription
no
Source extras
naId
323152875
levelOfDescription
fileUnit
recordType
description
ocrSource
nara-archive
Single page context
seq
1
pageIndex
0
type
document
mediaId
abbe14e0907c9cd8
ocrText
Originally Processed With FOIA(s):
FOIA Number:
S
S
FOIA
MARKER
This is not a textual record. This is used as an
administrative marker by the George Bush Presidential
Library Staff.
Record Group/Collection:
George H.W. Bush Presidential Records
Collection/Office of Origin:
Speechwriting, White House Office of
Series:
Speech File Backup Files
Subseries:
Chron File, 1989-1993
OA/ID Number:
13710
Folder ID Number:
13710-011
Folder Title:
Gridiron Club Dinner 4/1/90 [OA 6895][1]
Stack:
Row:
Section:
Shelf:
Position:
G
26
20
4
5
DOUG GAMBLE
Lange
424- . 36th Place
Manhattan Beach, CA 90266
Jan. 15/90
(213) 546-6409
TO: KRISTEN GEAR
4 pages
ALFALFA CLUB (Ed McNally) 1 most not used. I poraslited
see Ed.
I GUESS 1 SHOULD POINT OUT THAT THE LINES I'LL BE DELIVERING TONIGHT WERE
PURCHASED FROM A JOKE-SELLER IN LAFAYETTE PARK, ACROSS FROM THE WHITE HOUSE.
I MENTIONED TO BARBARA THAT I WAS GOING TO A FUNCTION WHERE NOTHING ACTUALLY
GETS ACCOMPLISHED, BUT EVERYONE HAS A GOOD TIME. SHE SAID "WHY ARE YOU HAVING
A CABINET MEETING ON A SATURDAY NIGHT?"
THE FACT THAT THIS IS BEING HELD INDOORS IS THE ONLY THING THAT KEEPS ME FROM
PLANTING A TREE.
I DON'T THINK I'LL BE GIVING MY CAPITAL GAINS TAX CUT SPEECH HERE TONIGHT. THIS
LOOKS LIKE THE KIND OF AUDIENCE, THAT IF I SAID IT'S NOT A TAX BREAK FOR THE
RICH, SOMEONE WOULD STAND UP AND SHOUT "IT BETTER BE."
THE ONLY THING I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT PANAMA TONIGHT IS TO APOLOGIZE TO FRUIT-OF-
THE-LOOM IF WE INADVERTANTLY HURT THEIR SALES OF RED UNDERWEAR.
MORE
- 2 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: KRISTEN GEAR - ALFALFA (CONT'D)
LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE, THE PANAMA OPERATION HAD ITS HIGHS AND ITS LOWS. I
FELT PRETTY GOOD WHEN I FIRST HEARD THAT GENERAL NORIEGA HAD FLED TO THE
VATICAN EMBASSY. BUT I WASN'T TOO THRILLED NEXT DAY WHEN THE HEADLINE IN
THE WASHINGTON POST SAID "BUSH CREATES YET ANOTHER HOMELESS PERSON."
1, AS MUCH AS ANYONE, REGRET THE DAMAGE AND CARNAGE THAT RESULTS WHEN HOSTILE
FORCES DO BATTLE WITH EACH OTHER. BUT I PLEDGE A CONCERTED RE-BUILDING EFFORT
TO MAKE SURE THAT THE RUBBLE IS CLEARED AWAY -- AND DICK DARMAN AND BILL BENNETT'S
OFFICES ARE FULLY RESTORED.
I'M A LITTLE UPSET AT CONGRESS FOR DRAGGING THEIR FEET ON SOME OF MY PROGRAMS,
BUT IT'S NOT TRUE THAT IF THEY DON'T ACT SOON, I'M GOING TO BLAST ROCK MUSIC
AT THE CAPITOL.
IT WAS ABOUT A YEAR AGO WHEN I PREDICTED THAT THE DAY OF THE DICTATOR IS OVER.
AND YET JOHN SUNUNU is STILL IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
I WAS EXCITED WHEN 1 HEARD THAT THE PERSON WHO RUNS THE STATE DEPARTMENT WOULD
BE HERE TONIGHT. THEN I REMEMBERED THAT NO WOMEN ARE ALLOWED, so YOU COULDN'T
INVITE MARGARET TUTWILER AFTERALL. NICE TO SEE JIM BAKER FILLING IN, THOUGH.
I UNDERSTAND DAN ROSTENKOWSKI HAS A NEW CAR, WITH A UNIQUE WARRANTY: FIVE YEARS
OR 50 ATTACKS ON IT BY SENIOR CITIZENS.
MORE
- 3 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: KRISTEN GEAR - ALFALFA (CONT'D)
XX THERE'S A RUMOR GOING AROUND ILLINOIS THAT BOTH ELVIS AND DAN
ROSTENKOWSKI'S SENIOR CITIZEN SUPPORT ARE STILL ALIVE.
THE CHARGE THAT I MIGHT BE DEVALUING THE PRESIDENCY BY GIVING SPEECHES TO
SMALL, OBSCURE GROUPS IS JUST NOT TRUE. AND I'LL BE REINTERATING THAT POINT
NEXT WEEK IN MY ADDRESS TO THE CHEEKTOWAGA AARDVARK AND ANTIQUE DOORKNOB
APPRECIATION SOCIETY.
SOME SAY I HAVE A DESIRE TO BE CONSTANTLY ON THE MOVE, BUT I DON'T THINK THAT'S
THE CASE. ALL I'M DOING ON MONDAY IS ADDRESSING THE RELIGIOUS BROADCASTERS
IN WASHINGTON, FLYING TO OREGON FOR A FUNDRAISER, TRAVELLING TO SOUTH CAROLINA
FOR A TREE-PLANTING, DROPPING BY MINNESOTA FOR A RIBBON-CUTTING, GOING TO
PENNSYLVANIA FOR A FACTORY DEDICATION AND VISITING IDAHO FOR AN AGRICULTURAL
CONVENTION. AND THEN IN THE AFTERNOON
I THINK ALL OF US IN WASHINGTON WERE PROUD THAT ONE OF OUR COLLEAGUES, SENATOR
JOHN GLENN, WAS GRAND MARSHAL OF THIS YEAR'S 101ST ROSE PARADE IN PASADENA.
I'M SURE JOHN WOULD HAVE ENJOYED IT MORE IF THEY DIDN'T TRY TO GET HIM TO RIDE
IN A LINCOLN.
I THOUGHT I NEEDED TO GET INTO BETTER SHAPE, so I CALLED ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
AND ASKED HIM TO COME TO THE WHITE HOUSE AND BRING ALONG HIS DUMBBELLS. HE SAID
"WHY CAN'T WE JUST USE THE PEOPLE WHO DEVISED YOUR (
) POLICY?"
(Is there some screw-up we can put in here?)
MORE
-
1.
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: KRISTEN GEAR - ALFALFA (CONT'D)
I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY $0 MANY PEOPLE ARE CONCERNED ABOUT MY VISIT NEXT
MONTH TO COLUMBIA. IT'S NO MORE DANGEROUS THAN MY VISIT LATER THAT SAME
DAY TO UNIVERSAL, PARAMOUNT AND WARNER BROTHERS.
BARBARA IS DOING FINE AFTER THE LAST OF HER RADIATION TREATMENTS, BUT NOW
WHEN I TELL HER. SHE LIGHTS UP MY LIFE, I REALLY MEAN IT. AND WHEN SHE SAYS
I'M A SIGHT FOR SORE EYES, SHE'S NOT KIDDING.
BARBARA AND I HAD AN ARGUMENT THE OTHER NIGHT, AND SHE SAID 'WHEN YOU'RE READY
TO APOLOGIZE, I'LL SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN." I TOLD HER "I'M NOT GOING TO KOWTOW."
AND I DIDN'T. I SENT BRENT SCOWCROFT.
T
THE GRIDIRON CLUB
1990 Spring Dinner
Rehearsal Book
Version 3
T
OPENER
It's a Grand Night for Singing
CHORUS
It's a grand night for singing,
And we are glad you're here.
SOLOIST (Ritter)
So grant us these hours,
We will use all our powers
To make this a time of good cheer.
CHORUS
Oh, it's our night for singing
Some tunes you've heard before.
SOLOIST (Stranahan)
The lyrics are new
And the jokes are on you
And we're here to settle some scores.
CHORUS
We just
Don't want
To bore.
(BREAK IN MUSIC FOR STANDUPS)
MEARS: Mr. President
BRODER: Mr. Walter R. Mears of The Associated Press,
Music Chairman of the
Gridiron Club
MEARS: Mr. President, I must report - sadly - that
while we don't want to bore, this gray flannel government
may offer no alternative.
Our wit is wasted. We have not been able to find
worthy targets for our poison pens.
We have searched the suitcases under motel beds, for
the likes of Tip O'Neill, to no avail.
There are no successors to the velvet fogginess of
Everett Dirksen or the supersonic syllables of Hubert
Humphrey.
You can't even find a world class villain these
days. A guy like Sam Pierce is okay - but he's no Spiro
Agnew.
The stars of yesteryear simply are not out there.
After you get through beating up on Dan Quayle -
again - this is a city full of managers and ribbon clerks.
Therefore, instead of our customary song and dance,
we will present tonight a panel discussion on congressional
redistricting. I apologize, but with the cast of characters
we've got, Oprah Winfrey and Phil Donahue couldn't
put on a show between them.
Our first panelist
DONAHUE (Dan Thomasson) : Forget that. You wouldn't
know a star if you stepped on one. Look at all those fancy
suits - stuffed with important people.
Oprah, do you see any shortage of TV potential here?
WINFREY (Helen Thomas) : We can do a show starting
right now. Some of the biggest names west of Warsaw are
right here in this room.
DON. You're right. Let's have lights and camera on
some guests we will ask to stand for a moment so that the
rest of the studio audience can see them.
But no autographs, please.
WIN. Let's welcome the White House press secretary,
Marlin Fitzwater.
DON: And the chief of staff, John Sununu.
WIN: Marlin says what President Bush thinks.
DON: And John Sununu thinks what Bush says.
WIN: From Congress, we have Representative Bob
Michel and Senators Lloyd Bentsen, Bill Bradley, Pete
Domenici, Chuck Robb, Fritz Hollings, Alan
Cranston, just to name a few.
And from the world of business, David Kearns of
Xerox and Roger Milliken of Milliken Co.
DON: I want to congratulate those last two for
winning the Commerce Department's Malcolm Baldridge Award
for productivity.
And I am pleased to announce that Congress has once
against received the National Zoo's Panda Prize for
Perpetual Passivity.
WIN: There's Peggy Noonan, who wrote speeches for
Bush. And Roger Ailes, who told him which speeches to give.
And up at the head table, the Chief Justice of the United
States.
After Peggy turned on the thousand points of light,
Ailes had her write all those lines about saluting the
flag.
DON: Then Justice Rehnquist's court told everybody
to go ahead and burn it.
WIN: Here's Paul Tagliabue, commissioner of the
National Football League.
DON: And, by instant replay, Paul Tagliabue,
commissioner of the National
Football League.
(VOICE OVER: After further review, the introduction
stands.)
WIN: Now Governor L. Douglas Wilder of the
Commonwealth of Virginia. In the long and glorious history
of Virginia, mother of presidents, home of
Thomas Jefferson, first capital of the Confederacy, the Old
Dominion, the first state to decide that it was for lovers.
Douglas Wilder is the first governor
who is less than 5 feet 7 inches tall.
WIN: Oh, yes, and Mayor Art Agnos of San Francisco.
Mayor Agnos, the vice president will see you now.
WIN: He can't, he's in California tonight.
DON: Timing never was his strong suit.
WIN: Here are Richard G. Darman, the budget director
Alan Greenspan, chairman of the Federal Reserve Board
Secretary of the Treasury Nicholas Brady
L.
William Seidmann of the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp
Michael Boskin of the Council of Economic Advisers
DON: And Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan of New
York, the social security savior
Gentlemen: meet your
counselor on retirement.
WIN: Now some television types - Tom Brokaw
John Chancellor
Jane Pauley
aaaaannd
Derbra Norville of NBC News. And Michael Gartner, of the
Ames, Iowa, Daily Tribune.
DON: Michael Gartner also is the president of NBC
News.
WIN: I guess Debra and the others are pretty happy
about that.
DON: Not as happy as
(pointing to Jennings
area) Peter Jennings of ABC.
WIN: There's General Colin Powell, chairman of the
joint chiefs of staff.
DON: Did he have the same job when Reagan was
president?
WIN: Don't ask me. Reagan can't remember
why
should I?
DON: And Brent Scowcroft, the national security
adviser, who went to Beijing for dinner
And within an
hour, he was so hungry he wanted to go back again.
DON: Please welcome Attorney General Dick
Thornburgh. And William Sessions, director of the FBI
We want to congratulate you lawmen for creative use of
the VISTA International Hotel in setting up the cause of
municipal purity.
WIN: Here are Mayor Richard Daley of Chicago and
David Dinkins of New York. The mayors want the Justice
Department to know that if they are booking any special
guests into hotel rooms in New York or Chicago,
reservations should be made through city hall.
WIN: And here as symbols of the close partnership in the Cabinet are
Clayton Yeutter, the secretary of agriculture, which subsidizes tobacco
Secretary of Transportation Sam Skinner, who lets pilots smoke but not
passengers
And Secretary Louis Sullivan of the Department of Health
and Human Services, the man who tells the country that cigarettes will kill
you.
DON: Now Lee Atwater, chairman of the Republican National Committee, a man
we are especially happy to welcome tonight. And Ron Brown, the Democratic
national chairman.
WIN: And Yuri Dubynin, the ambassador of the Union of Soviet Socialist
Republics.
DON: The Soviet Union is just taking up the two party system.
WIN: That's fine. As Mr. Atwater and Mr. Brown can tell him, we were
through with it anyway.
(The Band then strikes up the music, loudly, resuming Grand Night for
Singing to lead in to the resumption of the song with Mo Ribble's solo)
SOLOIST (Ribble)
You are the ones we most need.
No other folk could we use.
You are the ones who inspire our desire
To conspire - but mainly amuse.
SOLOIST (Phillips)
Frankly it's more than the jokes.
Our gags are less than brand new.
Surely the reason this evening's so pleasin'
Has something to do with you.
CHORUS
It's a grand night for zinging
The folks who rule the land.
The Gridiron's aglow
And to warn them - you know
Our targets are all in a row.
Let's get
On with
The show.
Initiation
Fanfare.
Broder: Once again, the dulcet, dynamic Gridiron Chorus.
Curtain goes up on chorus, and on Al Cromley, who is in an admiral
suit at center stage.
Chorus sings:
We're jour nal ists of
Seniority
There aren't many hacks
As important as we
Music stops, or goes to undertone
Cromley: Mr. President
Broder: Mr. Alan Cromley, secretary of the Gridiron Club and
commodore of recruits.
Cromley: Mr. President, the Gridiron Club is august if not robust, a
condition that has led to the induction of seven new members to fill vacancies
since our last dinner.
They are here to salute you. At least they had better salute. A lot.
I present them in the order of their election to the club.
INSERT NEW MEMBER NAMES
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
He reads the names, slowly, and as he does so, each new member steps forward
and salutes toward Broder. The music plays in the background.
Broder: Thank you Mr. Cromley. Please take the initiates below deck
and show them how to row.
CHORUS
We went to Malta
For summitry
And what did we see
We saw the sea.
SOLOIST
It started raining
We were straining
All that leaked was the Mediterranean
All we got was at lot of seasick sophistry
We went to Panama to cover the war
But they shut the door
On their lovely war
Though they fought with Noriega
It's the press that they abhor.
They let us see.
CHORUS
The Embassy.
SOLOIST
We cover the stealth administration
There's a wealth of disinformation
And the nation's press is left outside the door.
They tell us that the president
Is as nice as he can be
But although we see the president
He mainly operates in secrecy
NEW MEMBERS (7)
We've joined the Gridiron
We cover the news.
CHORUS
But what'll you get
You'll get confused
SOLOIST
When something quacks they claim its a guppy
Marlin's flaks go get the puppy
Well at least the puppy leaks and leaves some clues.
CHORUS
Well at least the puppy leaks and leaves some clues.
Democratic Skit
DICK COOPER: Mr. President
PRESIDENT BRODER: Mr. Dick Cooper, producer of the
Democratic skit. <
COOPER: Mr. President, I'm here with a bunch of life's
losers -- the Democrats. They're making a career of it. To get
into the White House these days, they have to line up for tour
tickets. <
I think we have figured out their problem -- they're just
too nice.
George McGovern, Jimmy Carter, Walter Mondale, Michael
Dukakis: Good grief! The Charlie Browns of America politics. No
wonder they live on political peanuts. <
They can't even hang onto their milk money. The Republicans
take it away from them every four years. <
(Curtain begins to rise) <
They keep saying they're ready to grow up and get tough. But
they never do. Take television. They haven't figured out how to
use TV to win elections. They still think television is the
Howdy Doody Show. Maybe that's why they still hang around with
Buffalo Bob Straus. <
(Curtain now fully open. Buffalo Bob comes to microphone) <
<
BUFFALO BOB (Jim McCartney): Hello, boys and girls. Hey,
kids, what time is it? <
DEMOCRATIC CHORUS (shouting in unison):
It's Howdy Doody time! <
BUFFALO BOB: No, no, no, you little brats, it's Richard
Gerphardt time.
"IT'S HOWDY DOODY TIME" (Ernie Sult)
It's Richard Gephardt time,
It's goody two-shoes time.
We Democrats aren't mean,
We like to keep it clean.
We are too nice, it seems,
To have a White House dream;
But we are here tonight
To learn to kick and bite.
So give a rousing cheer,
Soon it will all be clear:
If honesty won't fly,
Then we will learn to lie!
Democratic Chorus:
Yes, give a rousing cheer,
Soon it will all be clear:
If honesty won't fly,
Then we will learn to lie!
(As song ends, Clarabelle Clown runs around the stage honking a
horn & squirting a seltzer bottle, then grabs a microphone) <
V
CLARABELLE (Marianne Means): You're going to lie, boys and
girls? <
DEMOCRATIC CHORUS: (Jumping up and down) Yes. Then we'll win. <
CLARABELLE: It's about time! <
BUFFALO BOB: Clarabelle, what's this? You've never spoken a word
before. <
CLARABELLE (Marianne Means): Things were never this bad
before. I'm talking now, and I've hired a political hit man to
help us as a consultant. Roger Ailment, the man who invented
George Bush. <
ROGER AILMENT (Jack Germond): Well, this is a lot tougher
assignment. Democrats need training wheels. And I can't help you people at all
until
until you learn how to play the game. <
You're got to get tough. Support the death penalty -- for
flag burning. <
My pollster, Malcolm Mugger, can tell you what works.
"Why Don't You Play Rough" ("Why Don't You Do Right?")
You had plenty margin, back in '88,
Then let Willie Horton be your running-mate.
Why don't you play rough,
Like Republicans do?
Start punchin' low and make up some charges too.
'bout Bradley, Jackson, Cuomo there's a lot of doubt,
Your sole surviving Kennedy is all worn out.
Why don't you move right,
Like Republicans do?
Run up the flag, and listen to Nixon too.
Your platform was wimpy and your TV stank.
You let Mike Dukakis ride that stupid tank.
Why don't you kick ass,
Like Republicans do?
Hire Roger Ailes -- he'll take YOUR money too.
12
DEMOCRATIC CHORUS:
So cook up some libel 'bout the GOP,
The voters believe whatever's on TV.
Why can't WE play rough,
Like Republicans do?
SOLOIST
Like Republicans do!
ROGER AILMENT: That's the ticket.
CLARABELLE: Did you say ticket? We've been trying to find a ticket
for years. We might even win with somebody like Bill Bradley, Mario
Cuomo and Albert Gore but all of them are playing hard to get in 1992.
"We Won't Run, Don't Ask Us "
Trio Chorus:
We won't run -- don't make us.
We can't run -- don't take us.
We shan't run -- we're bound to fail.
We'd rather wait and run against Danny Quayle.
(Bradley): So don't push Bill Bradley.
(Cuomo): Don't call for Cuomo.
(Gore): And don't pressure Albert Gore.
(Trio): As long as all the Bush poll ratings stay hot,
We'll just keep running for the jobs that we've got.
Trio (bridge):
(Cuomo) Now George Bush is kinder, and he's gentle.
(Bradley) Next to Ronald Reagan, almost mental.
(Gore) So our calculation's elemental:
(All) We cannot win it,
So why get in it?
And that's why ---
DEMOCRATIC CHORUS:
They won't run -- why should they?
They can't run -- how could they?
They won't run -- find someone new.
So what are we poor Democrats gonna do?
Maybe we'll just hold our breath and turn blue.
(Enter Jesse Jackson) <
JESSE JACKSON (John Duvall): Turn blue if you like. I AM
SOMEBODY. You won't run, but Jesse Jackson might. Then watch
the stampede. <
(Jackson) I might run -- watch Jesse.
And it could get messy.
You block me, you're bound to fail.
Down in the Sun Belt I make voters turn pale,
But snub me and you will get President Quayle. <
(Susan Page & Finley Lewis appear as campaign workers with
"Quayle in '96" banner)
Enter DAVID DINKINS and DOUG WILDER characters who greet
each other with a high five
DINKINS: Why, Doug Wilder, a fellow star of the Class of 89.
WILDER: And David Dinkins
Are we supposed to be having a class
reunion so soon?
DINKINS : Why not - we sure changed things when we won - especially for
Jesse.
Oh We
(Music begins)
Row, Row, row the boat
Safely down mainstream
Merrily, verily, quite contrarily,
Keep Jackson off the team.
Why? Because Jesse
(Music begins again)
Rocks, rocks, rocks the boat
And sails us up the creek.
DINKINS:
Now I'm the mayor
WILDER:
And I'm the gov.
BOTH:
All Jesse does is speak.
CLARABELLE: That leaves the Democratic Party without a leader to
our name.
(Mr. Peanut enters)
V
V
CLARABELLE: Unless we have to count Mr. Malaise. <
AILMENT: That's how bad things are. Jimmy Carter's approval
rating is higher than Reagan's. Ten years too late.
At least he has finally learned how to win a
presidential election -- in Nicaragua.
"They All Laughed"
(Carter): They all laughed when Jimmy and his Georgians
Said they'd keep us safe and sound.
They all said I ran the ship of state aground.
They laughed at me for kissing Brzezhnev,
Running on about my lust.
Acting like a Babbit,
Fighting with a rabbit,
Begging for your trust.
Now look at me -- globally, the patron of democracy,
Managua is free,
Violetta trusted me.
(Violetta): They laughed at me for trusting Carter,
Said that we'd get robbed -- and how!
But Or-tega trusted the polls, so --
Thanks, Je-me -- ha-ha and ho-ho,
Peanut Man, we've got the last laugh now.
CHORUS:
Born again -- back on the talk shows,
At long last, he's getting kudos
Peanut man, you've got the last laugh now. <
<
<
CLARABELLE: If that's all the Democrats have I might as well quit talking
and go back to the horn and the squirt bottle.
AILMENT: Well, they could have an issue. All they really need to do
is say the magic words. <
CLARABELLE: Open Sesame? <
AILMENT: No, Social Security. It could make a nice negative TV spot for
the Democrats. Picture this: a young voter, a hard-hat... and Old
Father Time. Places, everyone. Hardhat, hit your mark. Father Time, are you
ready? Lights, camera, attack.
"When I'm 64" (The Beatles)
Young Hardhat (Ernie Sult):
Went to the office, picked up my check,
Need to pay the rent,
But when they deducted for the payroll tax,
All I got was 35 cents.
It doesn't matter -- cuz when I get old,
They'll keep me alive.
I'll never bitch, man. I'll be a rich man,
When I'm 65.
Father Time (Adon Phillips):
Sorry my friend but we spent it all,
There'll be nothing left.
We must raid the Old Age & Survivor's fund
To pay off the national debt.
You gotta pay the baby boom tax
For working 9 to 5.
First they will loot ya,
Then they will shoot ya,
When you're 65.
>
>
ROGER AILMENT: See, a little exageration, a little negativism,
next thing you know the voters love you. Or better yet, fear
you.
CLARABELLE: Yes, and if Social Security's the issue, that could
only mean one thing
"Stout-Hearted Men"
DEMOCRATIC CHORUS:
Give us a man like New York's Moynihan,
Who can stick it to Bush with finesse.
SOLOIST (Mike Ryan):
I can inspire all those folks who retire
And we'll see who is causing the mess,
Oh!
I'm much more charmin' than Richard G. Darman
And PAC-men I crunch -- more or less.
I can't figure out why all my leaders are so shy.
No one can deny
No one is half as smart as I.
Bush tries to shove, but he can't lay a glove
On a wiz using his sleight-of-hand.
My tricks got fixin' with Richrd M. Nixon,
Though my cards are Kennedy's brand,
Oh!
I'll grant the fact is we may need new taxes,
But I won't say which, and that's grand,
Cuz I've got a shell game any Harvard man can play,
Trust funds fade away.
Now Moynihan will save the day.
DEMOCRATIC CHORUS
Trust funds fade away.
Now Moynihan will save the day.
CLARABELLE: Maybe Social Security IS the issue the Democrats
have been looking for.
AILMENT: It's possible, but Democrats can screw up anything. The
best thing they've got going is
Incumbency. Now some of them have found a way to blow that one too.
(Enter Carl Rowan as Jim Wright, Frank Jackman as Barney Frank,
and Art Wiese as Tony Coehlo)
"Personality"
(Wright): I think of ev'ry book
The Teamster lo-cals took,
Instead of paying my steep lec-ture fee,
The Eth-ics po-lice ended,
My In-cum-ben-cy.
(Frank): When I was cleans-ing HUD
Of all that Sam Pierce crud,
My roommate thought he could throw a part-y,
Land-lady is de-mand-ing
My In-cum-ben-cy.
(Savage) A Peace Corps volunteer
I tried to hold quite near
When I was visiting her embassy.
Who knew she'd try to cut off
My In-cum-ben-cy.
(Coehlo): And what did Tony C.
Want the whip job for?
A junk bond free?
No, That's not my score.
In-cum-ben-cy,
That Wall Street
Can't beat.
CHORUS:
And when those four great guys
Get the Pew Litzer Prize
For know-ing eth-i-cal re-dun-dan-cy,
What is it that they want most?
Their in-cum-ben-cy.
ANNOUNCER (Dick Ryan)
The following is a public service announcement from the national
municipal league. Here are Miss Rasheeda Moore and Miss Karen Johnson.
Enter Karen Johnson (Groer) in prison garb, and Rasheeda Moore
(McKinney)
Our boyfriend's back and we're going to tell you sister
Hey la de la, His honor's back
He'll show the city
A brand new vista,
Hey la de la, our boyfriend's back
Yeah, you tried to put him down
Yeah, but he still runs this town.
CHORUS:
Hey la de la, their boyfriend's back.
ANNOUNCER: Support your local city.
We now return you to our regularly scheduled program.
CLARABELLE: I guess politics is a like a love affair. There's
one that always means trouble -- money. Ivana Trump could
teach the Democrats a thing or two about that -- or 25
million.
"I'll Take Manhattan"
Ivana (Helen Thomas)
I'll take Manhattan, the Bronx and Staten
Island too,
And with some luck, he'll get -- the zoo.
For Marla's tryout, he's gotta buy out me,
he cries;
Those young, aerobic thighs
May be his dumbest buys --
I'm her size.
Donald (Rick Smith)
I told Ivana I merely wanna quiet spouse
To darn my socks and just -- keep house.
Now I have found someone more refined,
She is my new bottom line.
She'll take Manhattan -- but not forget
it's mine.
DEMOCRATIC CHORUS
The city's tabloids will all enjoy
The tale of this girl and boy.
Donald Solo
I'll trump Manhattan
Ivana Solo
You'll move to
Perth-Amboy.
AILMENT: Ivana Knows Fundraising. The Democrats don't do it well.
Show them a hundred dollar bill and they'll follow you
anywhere. Charlie Keating proved that. <
Look what happened to Senators Alan Cranston, John Glenn, Dennis
DeConcini and Don Riegle. Even senator John McCain got into
trouble hanging around with them, and he's supposed to be a Republican.
(Enter sanctimonious Senators: Don Larrabee, Chuck Lewis, Adon
Phillips, Tex Ritter, John Duvall) >
"What a Friend We Have in Keating"
What a friend we have in Keating,
Dollars for our cam-paign staff.
What a privilege to hass-le
Bureau-crats on his be-half.
Uncle Sam was actin' ugly,
Forc-ing Charlie out the door,
So we had a tiny meeting,
Just to show we love the poor.
A con-stit-u-ent so faithful,
For any-one we'd do the same.
Precious Charlie won our favor
'Cause it's just the Senate game.
But it cost more than a billion
To save his fail-ing S and L,
Now the voters are revengeful --
Want to close us down as well.
Democratic Chorus:
What a friend they had in Keating,
Dollars for their cam-paign staff.
They thought Charlie was their saviour.
Look who ends up with the shaft.
YOU --- DO. (Amen tempo)
CLARABELLE: That's pathetic.
AILMENT: Tell me about it. Even my services may not be enough for
guys like that. Bush wants bipartisanship and the Democrats are so dumb they
make the savings and loan scandal bipartisan.
They don't know how to handle an issue. They wouldn't know what to
do with a secret weapon if one walked in right now.
(Enter handsome woman wearing a white wig & Lone Ranger mask)
"The Man That I Married" (Mo Ribble) <
The man that I married can sometimes be
A little too far to the right of me.
The man who I adore,
Has conservative hang-ups
I simply abhor.
He preaches pro-life in the name of God,
He'd send a drug lord to a firing squad.
I'm not switchin'
I'm just itchin'
To turn up the heat in his kitchen.
A man who can't take it, is not going to make it
With me!
The man that I married -- who calls me "Bar"
Would machine-gun a deer from an armored car.
I'm not cryin'
I'm just tryin'
To point out some things I'm not buyin'
The man I can plight with, a man I can fight with must be.
Your liberal compulsion I find divine,
Like treating the homeless to Brie and wine.
Call it sloppy,
That won't stop me
From agreeing with you more than Poppy.
If George spoke with your voice,
His lips would read pro-choice --
Like mine.
(Exit Barbara Bush, with Democratic Chorus visibly
baffled baffled hubbub)
CLARABELLE: Who was that Masked Woman?
ROGER AILMENT (despairing): Forget it!
CLARABELLE: (Exasperated) This whole business is getting taxing.
AILMENT: Don't say taxing. Even Lloyd Bentsen and George Mitchell
have
learned better.
(Enter singers dressed as two elegant hobos a la Fred Astairé
and Judy Garland)
"A Couple of Swells"
(Bob Stranahan-Warren Rogers)
We're a couple of swells,
We go to the best hotels,
But not to cause discomfort to the taxable clientele.
Two Democrats we are,
But stale as an old cigar
If people think of taxes as the Democrats guiding star. <
V
(Stranahan) The Annenburgs won't ask us up for tea, <
(Rogers) And neither will the Yuppie bourgeoisie.
We could drive up the revenue, even for the middle class
We could groove on the revenue, and our spending bills could
pass.
We could ride on the revenue, like a dizzy carousel.
(CHORUS): We could talk up the revenue,
Yes, sir, talk up the revenue --
(Stranahan-Rogers): And we'd die for the revenue, sure as hell. <
<
(Stranahan) The fat-cats all can ask us up for snacks.
(Rogers) We'll never say so rude a word as 'tax.'
We could vote for some revenue, but we know the awful price.
We could scheme for some revenue, but that's skating on thin
ice.
We could die for a tax increase but that would be absurd.
DEMOCRATIC CHORUS:
So let BUSH find the revenue, <
Yes, let BUSH find the revenue,
If he WON'T find the revenue, he's a nerd.
CLARABELLE: Those are two of the great Democrats.
AILMENT: I'll show you another one -- Tip O'Neill, the advertising
man.
(Enter O'Neill in suitcase)
Just look at him. Can you imagine a speaker dressed up that way? Tom Foley
certainly wouldn't do anything so embarrassing.
CLARABELLE: He could do worse.
(Enter Foley as French dandy) Look at him. (disgustedly)
"Foley's Bergere ("Can-Can")
(John Duvall)
Congress is the place to be
If you like flexibility.
There's no principle or tenet <
In the House, much less the Senate.
Thus, they're natural habitats
For up-and-coming Democrats.
All are kin of Camelot
Though some are lib'ral, others not.
DEMOCRATIC CHORUS:
Ev'ry four years, members poor and affluent,
Gird up their rears and all run for president.
Though no one cheers, and the press is insolent
When the time nears, they all run for president.
They can scent, imminent, eloquent government
So
DUVALL:
Thank heaven then for the big Tom Foley,
He's so tied up solely
In the House and all its machinations.
Thank heaven that our peerless Speaker's <
Not a big self-seeker, <
With the help of Heather,
They can pull the House together,
Make the Dems float
In both calm and stormy weather.
No also ran, that Foley man,
Big on C-SPAN, he surely can,
CHORUS: CAN-CAN-CAN
Can Can music repeats for dancers, then CHORUS sings final verse
again
REPUBLICAN SKIT>
>
>
>
SUSAN PAGE: Mr. President. >
>
DAVID BRODER: Ms. Susan Page of Newsday, producer of the
Republican skit. >
>
SUSAN PAGE: Mr. President, it's time to put away childish things
--like the Democratic party -- and get down-and-dirty with some good
old Republican sleaze. The GOP didn't win five of the last six
presidential elections by worrying about the rules. And their TV has
nothing to do with kiddie shows. They'll salute the flag until they
have tennis elbow, and they shout a lot about pornography. But some
of their own campaign commercials ought to be X-rated.
That makes them ideal guests on what passes for adult
television. In fact, this very night some of them are booked for
appearances on the GERALDO REVOLTING Show.>
>
[Curtain begins to rise during last line; GERALDO (Bob Novak)
walks on.) >
>
Here's your host, GERALDO REVOLTING, the only man on television
who makes Morton Downey Jr. look tasteful. >
>
>
GERALDO REVOLTING: Yeah, and some of these top Republicans make
me look like Miss Manners. Why, in the House of Representatives,
NEWT GRINCH'S idea of white tie for a Democratic candidate is tar
and feathers. NEWT GRINCH, LEE BATHWATER and their pals in the GOP
are one mean bunch. >
>
>
1. GOP LEADER: "BAD, BAD GOP.">
[NEWT GRINCH (Bill Raspberry) leads the Republican National
Committee on stage, cavorts and eventually joins GERALDO REVOLTING
at microphone to act as co-narrator. GOP LEADER (Tex Ritter), the
soloist, is at the head of a collection of weirdly-clad CHORUS
members representing the new-style Republican party.) >
>
>
>
BAD, BAD G-O-P>
(Bad, Bad Leroy Brown) >
>
GOP LEADER:>
We've learned to win the White House,>
Now our target's Capitol Hill,>
And our humane plan as we go man-to-man,>
Is a simple:
CHORUS:
Kill! Kill! Kill!>
GOP LEADER:
>
We play it down and dirty, >
Love to spread those spicy tales,>
For a good Democrat is a dead Democrat.>
We learned it all from Roger Ailes!: >
>
CHORUS:>
Just call us bad, bad G-O-P,>
The dead-end kids of democracy,>
Rougher than a Sears catalog,>
Meaner than a junkyard dog!>
>
GOP LEADER:>
Sometimes we make George Bush nervous, >
As reputations we besmirch,>
But there's no room for shame>
when you're playing this game, >
'Cause elections ain't won in church. >
>
>
>
>
CHORUS:>
Just call us bad, bad G-O-P,>
The dead-end kids of democracy,>
Rougher than a Sears catalog, >
Meaner than a junkyard dog!>
>
>
GERALDO REVOLTING: [Gesturing to the weirdos in the Republican
chorus) NEWT, these are your people. They even scare me. Stick
around and keep them off me.>
>
NEWT GRINCH: No problem. Let's have a hand for our next guest,
John Sununu, the White House chief of staff and New Hampshire's
answer to Greenpeace.>
>
GERALDO REVOLTING: Tough-looking guy. Understandable. You have
to be tough to work for a president with a split personality. One
day a wimp; next day a warlord. You never know whether George Bush
is going to do his Jekyll thing or his Hyde thing.>
>
>
>
2. JOHN SUNUNU: "PANAMA.">
[The call of "Panama," "Panama" is heard in the distance,
from off-stage. Sununu (Don Larrabee) steps forward in overblown
general's uniform.): >
>
PANAMA>
(Camelot)
>
>
JOHN SUNUNU:>
Once Bush looked like a wimp and just would bore us, >
He had to show that he had vertabra,>
So George sent in the troops and got a chorus,>
For Panama! >
>
Who says that Bush is not a bold crusader?>
He's following the Reagan formula. >
The target's even bigger than Grenada,>
In Panama! >
>
CHORUS:>
Panama! Panama! >
We missed the guy we had to snatch. >
But in Panama! Panama! >
The Pope helped make the catch. >
>
SUNUNU:>
In '92 we'll plan a new invasion,>
With TV spots and lots of real hoopla, >
We'll show just how to score,>
By winning one more war, >
And passing out the medals as we did>
In Panama! >
>
CHORUS:
>
We'll show just how to score, >
By winning one more war,>
And passing out the medals as we did >
In Panama! >
>
>
>
NEWT GRINCH: Dan Quayle got to go to Panama,
too (pause) after he learned how to spell it. He was a real
beacon of hope to the people of Latin American.>
>
[DAN QUAYLE (John Hall) -- dressed as a golf player and trailed
by a caddy (Roland Powell) carrying a placard that reads, "HE'S A
BEAKON OF HOPE" -- wanders on stage, looking lost.)>
>
GERALDO REVOLTING: [Looking at Quayle sign, puzzled) Beacon? Or
Beckon? Is that written in Hoosier?>
>
NEWT GRINCH: No, no, no. It was his wife who spelled it wrong on
last year's Christmas cards. But then, Dan never made it to the
National Spelling Bee, either.>
>
>
NEWT GRINCH: Dan Quayle got to go to Panama,
too (pause) after he learned how to spell it. He was a real
beacon of hope to the people of Latin American.>
>
[DAN QUAYLE (John Hall) -- dressed as a golf player and trailed
by a caddy (Roland Powell) carrying a placard that reads, "HE'S A
BEAKON OF HOPE" -- wanders on stage, looking lost.) >
>
GERALDO REVOLTING: [Looking at Quayle sign, puzzled) Beacon? Or
Beckon? Is that written in Hoosier? >
>
NEWT GRINCH: No, no, no. His wife spelled it wrong on
last year's Christmas cards. But then, Dan never made it to the
National Spelling Bee, either.>
>
>
>
3. DAN QUAYLE: "THE ALPHABET SONG.">
>
[DAN QUAYLE is joined on stage by an efficient,
humorless-looking MARILYN QUAYLE (Ann McFeatters) dressed as a
schoolteacher and carrying a pointer. >
[Lined up behind them are nine members of the CHORUS, who each
in turn hold up a placard with the letter that DAN QUAYLE is singing
about in the first verse.) >
>
Dan and Marilyn Quayle sing:>
>
THE ALPHABET SONG>
>
DAN QUAYLE: >
A, I'm a-lectable. >
B, I'm bice president.>
C, Cocomo thinks I am swell.: >
D, I'm da next in line. >
E, You emprove my mind.>
F, With Fonetics I can spell! >
>
K, I'm konservative.>
S, It's a sertainty. >
Q, stands for Quomo and for Quayle. >
>
DAN AND MARILYN QUAYLE:>
It's fun to wander through>
The Alphabet with you, >
Before we send our cards by mail!>
>
>
ALPHABET ENCORE>
>
DAN QUAYLE:>
K, Went to kollege to >
N, Get the 'knowledge to >
W, Put a W in DePauw.>
>
R, Riting I learned from>
U, U. Gene Pulliam,>
K, My kantankerous grandpa.>
>
X, As Xec'tive Two>
Y, Y'sley I turn to
C, Billy Kristol, with a K. >
>
DAN AND MARILYN QUAYLE:>
It's fun to wander through>
The Alphabet with you, >
In case we're Number One someday! >
>
>
>
NEWT GRINCH: Dan Quayle sure takes a lot of flak. But the vice
president may find that it pays off in the end.) >
>
GERALDO REVOLTING: It certainly did for Ronald Reagan. He got
two million dollars from the Japanese -- if he could only remember
where he put it. He and Nancy are my next guests. These days,
they're working the SONY side of the street.>
>
>
>
>
>
>
4. RONALD AND NANCY REAGAN: "EASY STREET.">
>
Ronald and Nancy Reagan (Mo Ribble and Jack Duvall) are on:>
>
EASY STREET>
>
RON: It was only a speech for Fujisankei,>
A mere two million, a modest fee. >
NANCY: It was ko-sher; there was no hanky-panky,>
A Jap'nese thank-you, to him and me.>
RON: In the White House, we had no bed of roses.>
NANCY: I had to borrow, economize.>
Just some rags, from Adolpho and Galanos.>
BOTH: But now we're back in, free enterprise - on - >
>
NANCY: Easy Street! Spending's chic,>
Here to Tokyo.>
CHORUS: Yen yen yen, yen yen yen, yen yen yen. >
NANCY: When they ask, him to speak,>
I will just - say - DOUGH!>
>
RON: In retirement, I never have to hurry, >
Or answer questions, from nosey press. >
NANCY: In Bel Air, there is never care or worry, >
RON: Except perhaps from the I-R-S.>
NANCY: I am bored by the worship of Saint Bar'bra,>
And Patti dearest. (Yelled) Give it a rest! >
RON: All in all, my reward for life achievement,>
I think an Oscar, would be the best. >
CHORUS: Yes!
Easy Street! Nippon's Neat! >
That's where they belong. >
BOTH: Yes siree, yes siree, yes siree yeah. >
>
BOTH: Easy Street! Can't be beat. >
Lux-ur-ee - is - our - song.>
HOODED FIGURE APPEARS ON STAGE LEFT
MAN IN BUSINESS SUIT ON RIGHT
During applause for Easy Street, a telephone starts ringing loudly.
MARLIN FITZWATER (Al Hunt) enters, pulls telephone handset out
of his pocket and answers, loudly, at microphone
FITZ: Marlin Fitzwater here.
HOODED FIGURE (Chuck Bailey) (into handset he produces) This is
the Ayatollah khoemeni.
Put President Bush on the line.
FITZ: Who is it???? Spell that please.
HOODED: Khoemeni?
FITZ: No, ayatollah.
HOODED: That's I as in Iran
A as in ayatollah
FITZ: Oh never mind. How do I know it's you? Where are you calling
from?
HOODED: You running dog imperialist lackey of the great satan, how
dare
you question the ayatollah.
FITZ (Nervously) Hold on - I'm sure the president will want to talk with
you.
He hurries off, as does the hooded figure
>
NEWT GRINCH: We haven't seen that kind of diplomatic skill since Brent
Scowcroft came back from China
came back from China.
>
>
>
>
>
>
5. BRENT SCOWCROFT: "DENG XIAOPING, OH, DENG
XIAOPING.' >
[Brent Scowcroft (Warren Weaver) appears in Chinese coolies
outfit and flat straw hat, carrying a glass of champagne, for
toasting.) >
>
Brent Scowcroft sings: >
>
DENG XIAOPING, OH, DENG XIAOPING>
(Chinatown, My Chinatown) >
>
Deng Xiao-Ping, oh, Deng Xiao-Ping! >
George still thinks you're keen. >
Though those tanks at Tianenmen, >
Were a trifle mean. >
He still wants to foster trade, >
End that sanctions thing, >
Ship your students home to you, >
You kind old Deng Xiao-Ping. >
>
Deng Xiao-Ping, though dung you sling, >
No more knocking heads. >
Why can't you be gentle like >
All those other Reds? >
Must your Chinese commie bunch
Speak with forked tongue?
Truth wears off like three course lunch
With shifty, swifty Deng.
>
GERALDO REVOLTING: We'll be right back, after this message from
our sponsor.>
>
>
[FIRST COMMERCIAL) >
JOE SUNUNU (Lars-Erik Nelson): Hello! I'm Joe Sununu. If you
re-elect George Bush in 1992, every American will receive a free
Sununu roadster and won't have to pay any taxes!>
[NAYSAYER (George Condon) standing at front of CHORUS holds up a
big sign that says, "HE'S LYING.") >
These cars run on Perrier, and their exhaust fumes repair the
ozone layer! >
[NAYSAYER displays sign again.)>
>
>
>
GERALDO REVOLTING: We're back, and it's time for our weekly Romp
Through the Arts. Who better to set the taste of America than Sen.
Jesse Helms?>
>
>
6. JESSE HELMS: "I SET THE RULES FOR PICTURES.">
[A male portrait (Tom Braizatis) and a female portrait (Maggie
Hunter) scurry out carrying large, ornate picture frames, and take
their positions as motionless works of art.) >
>
Jesse Helms (Adon Phillips) sings:>
I SET THE RULES FOR PICTURES>
(You Oughta Be in Pictures) >
>
JESSE HELMS:>
I set the rules for pictures:>
No sinful nudity.>
If Jesse is your picture,>
Oh, what a hit you will be! >
>
[Female statue comes to life and sings back) >
FEMALE PORTRAIT (mockingly): >
Put shorts on ev'ry statue,>
A blouse on ev'ry breast. >
JESSE HELMS (lecturing):: >
I want your promise that you>
Will cover up all the rest.>
33
>
JESSE HELMS:>
When you show a naked leg or two,>
That is a mortal sin. >
Arms just don't have any charms,>
And I'm shocked when I see a shin. >
>
[Abraham Lincoln portrait comes to life and sings back) >
MALE PORTRAIT (mockingly): >
No Michelang'lo's David,>
No bosomy Renoirs. >
BOTH PORTRAITS:>
He sets the rules for pictures >
They must wear bras!>
>
CHORUS:>
Just draw a tobacco leaf and he'll>
Say that is mighty keen. >
But even a well-clad butt,>
To that critic is just obscene.>
>
HELMS:
>
No sexy clothes for fillies,
As advertised by mail,
No dirty dolls from Chile
For Danny Quayle.
CHORUS:>
No sexy clothes for fillies,
As advertised by mail,
No Dirty Dalls for Chile
He'll censor Quayle.
>
NEWT GRINCH: We Republicans are not stopping at the water's edge
when it comes to pushing good old family values. We're going to
instill virtue everywhere. Morality. Honest government. Drug-free
dictator zones. That's why we had to arrest Manuel Noriega. >
>
GERALDO REVOLTING: Wait a minute. I thought he was our guy,
George Bush's hired spy -- until we turned and used that BOOM-BOX
diplomacy against him.: >
>
>
7. MANUEL NORIEGA: "Yanqui Doodle Dandy.">
[NORIEGA (Ron Cohen) marches in wearing red-white-and-blue
prison stripes, carrying ball and chain. Two women (Marianne Means
and Fran Lewine) are dressed as life-sized BOOM BOXES. They escort
Noriega on stage, stand to either side of Noriega during the song,
tap-dance and march along to the song.) >
>
Manuel Noriega sings:>
>
YANQUI DOODLE DANDY>
>
MANUEL NORIEGA:>
I'm a Yankqui Doodle Dandy, >
A vetran of the C-I-A,>
A covert nephew of our Uncle Sam.>
How can you treat me this way? >
Bill Casey, Bush, North and Poindexter,>
They all called me 'Manuel.'>
>
You used to write me thank-you notes,>
And now I'm in your pokey.>
You gringoes kissed -- I am going to tell. >
>
I've got Yanqui boodle handy,>
Laundered for my legal fees.: >
I infiltrated all those drug cartels, >
Only just trying to please.: >
Then those cowboy prosecutors,>
Indict me for such picky crimes. >
>
Why'd you have to send your army, >
And those damn boom boxes?>
What happened to our good old times? >
>
CHORUS [as Noriega and Boom Boxes dance): >
Then those cowboy prosecutors, >
Indict him for such picky crimes. >
>
Why'd we have to send our army, >
And those damn boom boxes?>
What happened to our good old times?>
>
>
>
GERALDO REVOLTING: OK, OK, so he's not our guy anymore. So he's
a gun-running money-laundering voodoo-worshipping thug terrorist
narco-gangster who wears red underwear. But Newt, nobody's perfect.>
Anyway, he's a narco-feminist.: >
>
NEWT GRINCH: (puzzled) A narco-feminist?>
>
GERALDO REVOLTING: That's an Equal Opportunity villain. Noriega
opened up all sorts of opportunities for female soldiers. They went
to war, even if the Pentagon won't admit it. Our next guest is just
back from the Canal Zone dog kennels. Linda Bray is the Army captain
who led the charge. If her name was Lyndon, she'd be a major with a
medal. No wonder she's mad.>
>
8. LINDA BRAY: "WHY CAN'T A WOMAN BE MORE LIKE A
MAN?">
[LINDA BRAY (Cheryl Arvidson) is dressed in full combat gear,
with helmet and twigs in her hair. She marches out with her PLATOON
of women soldiers (Helen Thomas, Margaret Mayer, Anne Groer) who are
dressed in fatigues.) >
>
Linda Bray asks: >
>
WHY CAN'T A WOMAN FIGHT JUST LIKE A MAN? >
(Hymn For Him)>
>
LINDA BRAY:>
Why can't a woman fight just like a man? >
Men are so stuffy, >
So totally square. >
They think they're being noble. >
Why can't they be fair?:
Why is it men get to shoot and be shot at? >
Why can't women be in combat?>
Why can't we face bullets like our brothers do? >
Linda Bray was dodging lead. >
Why must we do everything our mothers do? >
Why can't we grow up like our fathers instead? >
Why can't we smear that black stuff on our face, >
Slip into fatigues, >
And just be a pal? >
Would camouflaged women be bad for morale?: >
If we get wounded, would you have to send us flowers? >
>
WOMEN PLATOON:>
Just the customary Purple Heart would do!>
>
BRAY:>
Would we get cranky when we've had no sleep for hours? >
Would that make a woman UNlike you?>
Oh, one or two of us may pout a bit.: >
Some may have emotional defects.>
Some, perhaps, whose ruggedness you doubt a bit. >
But, small or large, we the macho-est sex. >
So why can't a woman fight just like a man?>
Be just as hostile, blood-thirsty, UNkind!>
A meaner combatant you never will find!>
If we even hinted YOU were yellow, YOU would bellow!>
Don't think that we're expecting you to hold our hand. >
Why can't you look at us as just another fellow?>
>
BRAY AND WOMEN PLATOON:>
Why can't Dick Cheney UNDERSTAND?
>
>
>
NEWT GRINCH: Stay with us, folks. We'll be back after a word
from our sponsor, White House Exterminators, Inc.>
>
>
[SECOND COMMERCIAL): >
>
ANNOUNCER: (Carl Leubsdorf, in exterminator outfit, maybe with
his back reading, "WHITE HOUSE PESTS.") Have narco-bullies
infested your neighborhood? Don't risk dangerous chemicals. Try the
White House scheme -- Little bitty caterpillars that will eat up
that old coca while it's still on the vine!>
CATERPILLAR (Alan Cromley) sings:>
>
Glow Little Glow Worm>
Go little Glow Worms
Glimmer, glimmer
You'll make the drug lords,
Grimmer, grimmer.
Strip the beans among the mocha
Spare the coffee, kill the coca,
We'll fight crime and save our woolies
Send our worms after narco bullies
Stoned moths put on quite a show
So go little glow worms, go.
>
>
>
GERALDO REVOLTING: My next guest is one of the smoothest talkers
around -- my pal, Jimmy Baker. But these are hard times for a good ole boy
from Texas. He gets tongue-tied
every time he tries to tell the president who's big in Bucharest,
powerful in Prague or leading in Latvia. >
>
>
>
9. JAMES BAKER: "SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS">
[Jim Baker (Ernie Sult) comes out in striped-pants and cutaway,
with cowboy boots and hat.) >
>
SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS>
>
JIM BAKER::
Havel, Calfa, Dubcek >
Those are names that once could shock ya, >
But I've learned to say them, >
'Cause they run Czech-o-slo-va-kia.: >
Lilov, Lukanov and Mladenov will surely scare ya, >
But you must enunciate>
The names that run Bul-gar-ria! >
>
CHORUS:>
Um-diddle-diddle-diddle um-diddle-off! >
Um-diddle-diddle-diddle um-diddle-off! >
>
BAKER:>
Hans Modrow and Gregor Gysi, >
Ask them in for dinner.>
Tell those guys that you are wise -- >
Ich bin ein East Berliner!>
Make the check to Lech, >
But just make sure he doesn't soak ya. >
I hope Ma-zo-wiec-ski can teach us to dance the polka! >
>
CHORUS:>
Um-diddle-diddle-diddle um-diddle-off! >
Um-diddle-diddle-diddle um-diddle-off! >
>
BAKER:>
Nicolae Ceau-ces-cu's gone, and now it's Il-i-es-cu. >
Isn't there an expert who can hurry to my rescue? >
Whether it's Ro-man-nia or maybe Lith-u-a-nia,>
All in all I think I'd rather be in Tran-syl-va-nial>
>
CHORUS:>
Nicolae Ceau-ces-cu's gone, and now it's Il-i-es-cu.>
Isn't there an expert who can hurry to our rescue?>
Whether it's Ro-man-nia or maybe Lith-u-a-nia, >
On the whole we think we'd rather be in Philadelphia.
>
>
>
GERALDO REVOLTING: All those funny names could even confuse
Zbigniew Brzezinski. But if you stick with one simple name, you
can't go wrong. >
>
NEWT GRINCH: What name?>
>
GERALDO REVOLTING: Mikhail McGorbachev. Forget glasnost. Forget
perestroika. What do the old captive nations really want? McGorby knows.>
>
>
>
10. MIKHAIL GORBACHEV AND THE SOVIETS:
"INTERNATIONALE.">
[Gorbachev (Mike Ryan) is dressed in loose-fitting gray
Soviet-style suit and distinctive Gorbachev hat, but during song
strips like Superman to reveal uniform of a guy who works at
McDonald's; he puts on a McDonald's hat. Small-group choruses are
dressed as ethnic Russians.) >
>
GORBACHEV DESERVES A BREAK TODAY>
>
MIKHAIL GORBACHEV:>
(Tune of Internationale) >
Arise, ye prisoners of starvation!>
Your day is finally at hand. >
No more a lean and hungry nation, >
Come share the riches of our land. >
>
RUSSIAN SEXTET
You deserve a break today! >
Eat Beeg Mac and plastic tray! >
At MacGorby's! > (Solo by Art Weise)
>
GORBACHEV:>
(To Lara's Theme)>
Some-day, comrades,>
You will have things you lack. >
Meanwhile, comrades,>
Be happy with Beeg Mac.>
Someday, my friends,>
You will have Jap'nese cars,>
Two-bedroom huts,>
Golf clubs and cocktail bars.>
>
Meanwhile, keep Soviet Union strong.>
Glasnost is telling you I'm not wrong.>
So until then, Tovarich, stay in line. >
Ethnics keep cool, you'll like chiz-bourgers fine. >
Save Russian bread, we used to spend on guns,
We'll eat instead sesame seeded buns
>
GORBACHEV AND CHORUS:>
Don't be afraid, in U-S we have friend.>
George will send aid from the peace dividend.>
>
>
>
NEWT GRINCH: (Suspiciously) OK, fine. We can trust them, but we
still have to mcVerify.>
>
GERALDO REVOLTING: Why verify? Who needs missiles? The Russians
are just
like us now. How could we consider a missile attack that might hit Moscow in
the middle of a Big Mac Attack?
>
NEWT GRINCH: You could be right. But what's Dick Cheney going to
do with all those leftover missiles? Sell them at the Army surplus
store?>
>
>
>
>
>
>
11. DICK CHENEY AND THE CONEHEADS: "FIFTY WAYS TO SCRAP
A
MISSILE.">
>
[Dick Cheney (Bob Stranahan) and the Coneheads (Geyelin, Boyd,
Lastelic, Barnett) emerge.)>
>
FIFTY WAYS TO SCRAP A MISSILE>
(Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover) >
>
RICHARD CHENEY:>
To help our pres'dent get the country on the mend, >
We're junking all our missiles as a peace dividend,>
And when they ask us how to use them we pretend:>
There must be fifty ways to scrap a missile. >
>
This perestroika was what really did us in, >
With Gorby knocking down The Wall in East Berlin,>
They want to trash our toys and we think it's a sin.>
[CONEHEADS ENTER): >
There must be fifty ways to scrap a missile. >
>
CHENEY:>
Just paint 'em all red, Ted,>
Wind 'em up like a toy, Roy, >
Make a tunnel of love, Dove,>
CONEHEAD GENERALS: Just leave it to us.>
>
CHENEY:>
Buy an S & L, Nell, >
Fix the Brooklyn Bridge, Midge!>
Super can to stash, trash. >
GENERALS: Just leave it to us.>
>
CHENEY:>
Make a moonshine still, Bill,>
A place to hide your crack, Jack.>
Fill 'em full of hay, Ray.>
GENERALS: Just leave it to us.>
>
CHENEY:>
Fill St. Andreas fault, Walt,>
Catch an oil spill, Jill!:
Hats for Donald Trump, chump.>
GENERALS: We'll give 'em to you free.>
>
[CONEHEADS EXIT AND GET ALTERNATIVE CONEHEADS
OFFSTAGE) >
>
CHENEY:>
It's sad to contemplate the end of S-D-I,>
Defense contractors starving as we wave good-bye.>
Bush says to trust the Reds but not to verify.>
There must be fifty ways to scrap a missile. >
>
They say we've gotta cut the war room down to size,>
And now with peaceniks we'll be forced to fraternize,>
But I will be a shoo-in when they pick the Nobel Prize,>
For finding fifty ways to scrap a missile.>
>
CHORUS:>
Just paint em all red, Ted
Wind em up like a toy, Roy
Make a tunnel of love, Dove
Just leave it to us.
Buy an S and L Nell
Fix the Brooklyn Bridge, Midge
Super can to stash trash,
Just leave it to us.
YEAH
CLOSER
Fanfare
MEARS: Mr. President
BRODER: Mr. Mears, music chairman of the Gridiron Club.
MEARS: Mr. President, we have spent most of our evening inside the
beltway, looking in. But far from our precincts, the world has has been
transformed.
As we close our 105th dinner, we sing of the rise of freedom in other
lands.
We sing proudly of the role our country has played in that tide of
democracy.
And we salute the courage of people who dared to demand the
democracy that was our birthright.
Will the following people please rise for a moment.
The Ambassador of Czechslovakia.
The Ambassador of Hungary.
The Ambassador of Yugoslavia.
Thank you.
SOLOIST 1 (Rowan)
See the lights go on again,
All over the world.
From Moscow to East Berlin
New freedoms unfurl.
A wrech-ed wall can fall
To man's yearning to just be free
New rulers risk their all
On democracy
SOLOIST 2 (Mike Ryan)
As the lights go on again
Cape Town to Warsaw
Happy crowds of people win
Peace under the law
Soon they will know the joy
A free life brings
As liberty rings
And the lights go on again
All over the world
CHORUS
Soon they'll rejoice in things
That justice brings
And free hearts will sing
As the lights go on again
All over the world.
Music shifts to verse of God Bless America
SOLOIST (Jack Duval)
For a generation
Forty years and more
We have borne the burden
Of a long, cold war.
Now the iron curtain (Music repeats)
Rises hopefully
And our celebration
Finds glad company
So let us be grateful
For our land so fair. (Music changes to original)
As we raise our voices,
In a solemn prayer
CHORUS
(Sung once by chorus, then audience is motioned to join)
God bless America
Land that I love
Stand beside her and guide her
Through the night with a light from above
From the mountains to the praries
To the oceans white with foam
God bless America
My home sweet home.
(SOLOISTS, then CHORUS GESTURE AUDIENCE TO JOIN)
God bless America
Land that I love
Stand beside her and guide her
Through the night with a light from above
From the mountains to the praries
To the oceans white with foam
God bless America
My home sweet home
God
Bless
America
My home
Sweet
Home
CAL
THE GRIDIRON CLUB
1989 Spring Dinner
Rehearsal Book
0-1
OPENER CAST
Betsy Ross
Ribble
Gil Stuart
Stranahan
Washington
Novak
His horse
Perry, Condon
Ensemble
Arvidson, Bigbee, Cohen, Duvall, McFeatters
Raspberry, M. Ryan, Sult
Also costumed
Hunter, Lewine, Ritter
Dancers
Barnet, Johnson, Mears, McFeatters,
McKinney, Means, Page, Rogers
Also contumed
Bailey, Thomas, McCartney
Chorus
Bandy, Cromley, Fergurson, Thomasson
0-2
ANNOUNCER -- Mr. President, in this exact month, we
celebrate the 200th anniversary of George Washington's
Inauguration. We have a few members who were there and the
Gridiron Club now wishes to record this bicentennial moment
in its own warped fashion. It is April, it is New York, and
the American colonials -- victorious in their struggle for
independence from England -- have gathered for the
inauguration of George Washington on Wall Street.
ASCOT GAVOTTE
(Stranahan, singing ensemble, stage chorus and chorus on
stage. Mo and the dancers begin from doors at stage left.
Dancers minuet up the ramp in a two-by-two processional
behind the ensemble. Mo, carrying a folded flag, goes to
the microphone at stage left.)
ASCOT GAVOTTE
Every Washingon and Lee is here
Every patriot who should be here
This euphoric, possibly historic spectacle
The first inaugural day.
We have tweaked the nose of George the Third of England
And we are here to stay
An enduring, positively stirring moment, the
First pres dent's opening day.
Wall Street Crowded, each wig powdered
Braid and homespun, heroes of the Revolution
Any second now, this inaugural day
Hear, the bell is ringing, Washington will have his say
We're on our way.
(BREAK IN MUSIC)
ENTER NOVAK stage right. leading a white, two-man soft
horse, kind of broken down and bedgraggled with its tongue
hanging out.
WASHINGTON -- Now what is all this about some other guy
named George.
(As ensemble finishes song, dancers come to the front of
the stage).
What a magic moment that was
In 200 years in a Gridiron play
This will sing and magically bring back mem-ries
Of that first inaugural day.
0-3
GILBERT STUART -- Betsy Ross, Betsy, sweetheart.
BETSY ROSS -- Why
Gilbert Stuart. What's this supposed
to be.
GILBERT (pointing to painting) -- This is George
Washington on his White horse.
BETSY -- (pointing to the real GW and his broken down
nag) But it doesn't look anything like George Washington.
Look at him. Look at his horse. They were nearly frozen to
death at Valley Forge and almost drowned in that river.
GILBERT -- What difference does that make. Listen, we're
now entering the era of modern media manipulation. Reality
is too painful. You paint not what ya see, but what you want
'em to see. You paint your enemies ugly and your clients
pretty. Image, Betsy, image.
BETSY -- What it is, Gil, is distortion.
GILBERT -- Now take that flag there. What a symbol I
could make out of that. (He reaches for the flag and she
pulls it away.
BETSY -- Keep your hands off my flag, Stuart.
(she stalks off stage left trailed by the other woman
dancers. Novak and the horse exit stage right. While
Stranahan completes his solo, the women change offstage into
Tom Jones pantaloons and lace-up bodices. Mo leaves her flag
backstage).
0-4
LAMBRETH WALK I
(Gilbert Stuart -- Stranahan)
(verse)
Nothin' is what it seems
The sky ain't blue, the grass ain't green.
George is George, but in the clutch.
It just don't matter very much.
We'll paint a different way
Turn day to night, and night to day
Turn-clouds to sun, when we're done
Oh, boy.
If your public image fails
Contact me or Roger Ailes
Since Valley Forge
We've been improving George -- yeah.
We can make you kind or tough
Sell you nice or sell you rough
Leaders, we forge
Getting from George to George -- yeah.
Give 'em some pledge alleeegee
Give 'em noblesse obleegee
Sell 'em a great big lu-lulu
Sell -em do-do.
Any George can change with flacks
Who can rearrange the facts
Since Valley Forge
Onward from George to George
0.5
LAMBETH WALK II
(WOMEN DANCERS CARRYING TAMBOURINES RETURN, LED BY MO
WITH MICROPHONE SINGING AS SHE GOES UP THE RAMP. THE FOUR
DANCERS GO IN FRONT OF THE FOUR MEN DANCERS. STRANAHAN
RETREATS ONE STEP. MO DANCES BACK AND FORTH ACROSS THE STAGE
AS THE OTHERS SWAY.
BETSY (MO)
If your public image fails
Contact Gil or Roger Ailes
Since Valley Forge
They've been improving George -- yeah.
They can make you kind or tough
Sell you nice or sell you rough
Leaders, they forge
Gettin' from George to George -- yeah.
Give 'em some pledge alleeegee
Give 'em noblesse obleegee
Sell 'em a great big lu-lu
Sell 'em do-do.
Any George can change with flacks
Who can rearrange the facts
Since Valley Forge
Onward from George to
Onward from George to
Onward from George to George
0.6
LAMBETH WALK III
ALL
If your public image fails
Contact Gil or Roger Ailes
Since Valley Forge
They've been improving George -- yeah.
They can make you kind or tough
Sell you nice or sell you rough
Leaders, they forge
Gettin' from George to George -- yeah.
(THE FOUR MALE DANCERS AT THIS POINT DESCEND INTO THE
AUDIENCE VIA THE RAMP AT STAGE RIGHT. THE FOUR FEMALE
DANCERS DESCEND VIA THE STAIRS AT STAGE RIGHT. THEY JOIN IN
THE MIDDLE. THE CHORUS RUSHES OUT FROM THE RISERS DOWN THE
RAMP AND INTO THE AUDIENCE WHILE THE ORCHESTRA PLAYS THE
BRIDGE. REMAINING ON STAGE: MO, STRANAHAN, THE SINGING
ENSEMBLE AND THE STAGE CHORUS.
ORCHESTRA ONLY
Give 'em some pledge alleeegee
Give 'em noblesse obleegee
Sell 'em a great big lu-lu
Sell 'em do-do.
ALLL
Any George can change with flacks
Who can rearrange the facts
Since Valley Forge
Onward from George to George -- yeah.
0-7
LAMBETH IV
THE FOUR COUPLES DANCE UP THE CENTER AISLE. THE CHORUS
JOYOUSLY SINGS WHILE MOVING ONTO THE FLOOR -- INTO THE WINGS
AND ACROSS THE FRONT. NOVAK AND THE HORSE RE-ENTER FROM
STAGE RIGHT. STILL ON STAGE ARE MO, STRANAHAN, THE SINGING
ENSEMBLE AND THE STAGE CHORUS.
ALL
If your public image fails
Contact Gil or Roger Ailes
Since Valley Forge
They've been improving George -- yeah.
They can make you kind or tough
Sell you nice or sell you rough
Leaders, they forge
Gettin' from George to George -- yeah.
Give 'em some pledge alleeegee
Give 'em noblesse obleegee
Sell 'em a great big lu-lu
Sell 'em do-do.
Any George can change with flacks
Who can rearrange the facts
Since Valley Forge
Onward from George to
Onward from George to
Onward from George to George
(orchestra -- shave and a haircut)
CHORUS
HI HI
D- 1
DEMOCRATIC CAST
Dr. Rex Morgan
Thomasson
Nurse June Gail
McKinney
Mitchell
Larrabee
Byrd
Stranahan
Foley
Ritter
Wright
Rogers
Nunn
Phillips
Speaker 1
Bailey
Speaker 2
Saikowski
Speaker 3
Cole
N.R.A. Agent
Bigbee
Orderly 1
Grady
Orderly 2
Condon
Speaker 4
Lewis
Bentsen
Sult
Pickens
Trewhitt
Speaker 5
Cromley
Barry
M. Ryan
Speaker 6
McCartney
Dukakis
Ribble
Rock Dancers
Anthan, Johnson, Prina, Means, terHorst
Speaker 7
Thomas
Supreme Court
Hunter, Hall, Leubsdorf, McFeatters
L-E Nelson, Page, Reed, R. Ryan
Speaker 8
Novak
Brown
Duvall
D-2
1989 GRIDIRON SHOW
Democratic Act
President O'Rourke introduces Cheryl Arvidson, chairman of the
Democratic Act.
ARVIDSON: it's been a tough year for the Democratic Party,
with such an odd mix of results that it's hard to figure out
whether the Democrats are winners or losers. Not surprisingly,
this has created some of the signs of classic Schizophrenia:
withdrawn, bizarre, sometimes delusionary behaviour and
intellectual and emotional deterioration.
In dire need of treatment before the 1992 elections, the
entire Democratic Party has checked into St. No Where, an obscure
but highly respected Boston hospital. A crack team of medical
personnel is searching for a miracle cure, but every time they
think they're onto something, another strange new sympton comes
to light.
We take you now to the emergency room at St. No Where, where
some Congressional leaders, led by the new Senate Majority Leader
George Mitchell of Maine, are seeking to describe their ailments
to Dr. Rex Morgan and Nurse June Gail.
Curtain rises on hospital emergency room. MITCHELL, BYRD,
FOLEY AND ROSTENKOWSKI sing ''Handle Us with Care.
D-3
HANDLE US WITH CARE
Mitchell, Byrd, Foley and Rostenkowski
(Tune - Handle Me With Care)
FOUR: We've been beat up and battered around,
The pay raise put us in the doggy pound.
Need some help, but it can't be found.
Handle us with care.
Reputation sinking fast,
Sure we had a glorious past,
But without help we won't last.
Handle us with care.
STRANAHAN: We're so tired of being losers ,
Damn Dukakis did us in.
Won't you give us, please, another chance?
CHORUS: Everybody's got somebody, who needs us?
But our party's got nobody to lead us.
(2)
RITTER: We've been Cartered, we've been Mondaled;
Wille Hortoned and Roger Ailed.
Everything we've tried has failed,
FOUR: Handle us with care.
LARRABEE: I am just a guy from Maine,
Learning that Jim Wright's a pain,
Got this pay raise to explain,
FOUR: Handle us with care.
STRANAHAN: We're so tired of being losers,
Damn Dukakis did us in.
Won't you give us, please, another chance?
CHORUS: Everybody's got somebody, who needs us?
But our party's got nobody to lead us.
FOUR: Our nominees all make a mess,
Our own worst enemies, I guess.
Will be ever find success?
Handle us with care.
CHORUS: Handle us with care.
D-4
DEMS - 2
JUNE: All right, all right, back to intensive care for all of
you. As far as I can see, you're lucky to be alive. Dr. Rex
Morgan got to you just in time.
REX: Nurse Gale, this latest rash of patients is testing even
my considerable skills. There are so many characters in the
Democratic Party that it's no wonder the voters are confused.
Talk about your weirdo's!
JUNE: I guess all we can do is take these patients one by one
and hope for a little comic relief.
(To the sound of sirens, enter WRIGHT on the run, looking
nervously over his shoulder.)
WRIGHT: They're after me, they're after me!
JUNE: Settle down, sir. Now, who exactly are you?
WRIGHT: I'm Jim Wright, Speaker of the House, and they're
after me!
REX: (After a brief examination) This man is suffering from
acute paranoia. Who do you think is after you, Newt Gingrich?
BAILEY: No, he can handle Gingrich. It's the other Democrats
the Speaker has to worry about. They're still angry about the pay
raise.
(WRIGHT sings ' 'My Money''
MY MONEY
Jim Wright
(Tune - My Buddy)
Nights are long since you got away,
I think about you all through the day,
My money, my money,
That modest raise in pay.
We're so poor, it hardly seems fair
'cause honoraria can't compare
To money, real money,
The raise that got away.
That ethics crowd is taking a look
At dough I made from one little book.
My buddies, some buddies,
Those guys would see me wrecked.
Won't my Democrats ever learn
To treat me like another Rayburn?
My buddies, some buddies,
I'm getting no respect.
Chorus repeat 4 lines.
D-6
BOYD: That;s pathetic. Send him to the charity ward.
(Enter NUNN in Confederate uniform.)
REX: Well, kiss my grits, what do we have here? Some throw-
back to the past?
JUNE: Why, Rex, that's Sam Nunn, one of the party's bright
hopes from the South. Who would ever have thought there'd be
something wrong with him?
REX: (Examing NUNN) Why, sir, you're suffering from delusions
of grandeur. And on top of that, you've got a serious credibility
problem. After what you did to John Tower, folks are wondering if
you're really pro-defense after all.
SAIKOWSKI: He is! Oh, he is! And he's going to spend oodles of
money on his favorite plane to prove it.
(NUNN sings ''Stealth, the Magic Bomber')
D-7
STEALTH THE MAGIC BOMBER
Senator Nunn
(Tune - Puff the Magic Dragon)
Stealth the magic bomber, built on the sly.
The Congress blindly voted ''Aye'' and the Stealth flew neatly
by.
Who needs health and welfare, jobs or homes or wealth
When we can buy security by fabricating Stealth?
Buy that magic bomber! Take it from me,
For only 60 billion bucks we can sneak through World War 3.
CHORUS: Buy that magic bomber., take it from me.
For only 60 billions bucks we can sneak through World War 3.
'Cause folks didn't trust us, we rolled Stealth out,
And let you see that weirdo wing and that gigantic snout.
If only we could tell you the fancy stuff inside,
But we can only show Stealth's front - it's backside's
classified.
Buy that magic bomber, take it from me,
For only 60 billions bucks, we can sneak through World War 3.
CHORUS: Buy that magic bomber, take it from me,
For only 60 million bucks, we can sneak through World War 3.
D - 8
COLE: Ship him out to reality training!
(Enter two orderlies, wheeling a hospital guerney, on which is
NRAGENT under a green sheet.)
ORDERLY ONE: Emergency! Emergency!
ORDERLY TWO: This influence peddler has been wounded.
JUNE: (Lifting sheet and examining NRAGENT) Rex. Rex, quick!
It's an NRA lobbyist! But they never get shot down in Congress.
REX: (Helping NRAGENT to his feet) Don't worry, June, it was
the White House that fired that shot, but it's only a flesh
wound. President Bush won't let this happen again
I think.
(NRAGENT sings 'Home on the Range'')
D-9
DEMOCRATIC ACT - 4
Gun Control
N.R.A. Lobbyist
(Tune - Home on the Range)
Here's the new golden rule: Bring a rifle to school.
Aut-o-mat-i-cal-ly that's an A.
If it's Chinese that's fine, make it top of the line,
And we'll cheer at the old N.R.A.
Home, home on the range
Where defenders of liberty play.
Where nothing is heard 'cause we've shot ev'ry bird
It's the code of the old N.R.A.
Each Saturday night is a special delight
To the sportsmen who keep and bear aqrms.
Congress sure aims to please, while they're down on their
knees
It's not pressure, it's NRA charms.
CHORUS: Home, home on the range
Where defenders of liberty play.
Where nothing is heard 'cause we've shot ev'ry bird,
It's the code of the old N.R.A.
CHORUS: Repeat last 4 lines
D - 10
(Enter BENTSEN in sombrero, doing flamenco dance)
LEWIS: Oh, no, he's back.
REX: Who's back?
JUNE: That old guy who thinks he's some sort of cult hero.
REX: (Examing BENTSEN) Why, June, it's Lloyd Bentsen. And he's
suffering from malnutrition - he says he hasn't eaten breakfast
in nearly two years.
JUNE: I'm glad you're handling this one. I can't understand
what he's saying.
(BENTSEN sings ''La Bamba'')
D - 11
Senor Bentsen
Lloyd Bentsen
(Tune - La Bamba)
Pentsen:
Para que ser Lloyd Bentsen
Chorus:
Folks love Lloyd Bentsen
Bentsen:
Se necesita una poca de gracia
Chorus:
He's got great heart
Bentsen:
Para mi, para ti
Ya arriba, arriba
Chorus:
And lots of smart
Bentsen:
Por ti sere, por ti sere =
Chorus:
A work of art
Bentsen:
Yo no soy vice presidente
Chorus:
He can vote for John Tower
Bentsen:
Soy capitan, soy capitan
Chorus:
But he's still got power
All:
La Lloyd Bentsen
La Lloyd Bentsen
La Lloyd Bentsen
Bentsen:
Puedo decir in dos lenguas
Chorus:
He'll cut you down in two languages
Bentsen:
Senor, no es Juan Kennedy
Chorus:
You're no Jack Kennedy
All
La Lloyd Bentsen
La Lloyd Bentsen
La Lloyd Bentsen
Ole!
D - 12
LEWIS: It's the padded cell for him.
(Enter PICKENS as CHORUS sings ''T. Boone, T. Boone,
yadadadada)
CROMLEY: Look, it's that merger-maniac, T. Boone Pickens.
REX: I suppose you want to buy this hospital and merge it with
a Pizza Hut?
JUNE: (who has been consulting PICKENS) No, Rex, he has a
serious problem. He's a shop-a-holic, and he wants us to stop him
before he shops more.
(PICKENS sings '`I'll Merge Anything")
13
I'LL MERGE ANYTHING
T. Boone Pickens
(Tune - I've Been Everywhere'')
There's a whole new world, made of companies just ripe for pluckin
From savings and loans, to railroads and firms for truckin
You can get em for a song with an L BO
And a few junk bonds, with hardly any dough
Kohlberg, Kravits, Roberts are the masters of the trade
There just ain't no limit to the deals we have made
Reja
I'll merge anything , man
I'll merge anything, man
At mergers I'm the king, man
I make the lawyers sing, man
I make the cashbox ring, man
I'll merge anything
Crisco, Nabisco, OYSterettes and Oreos
Dip-a-chip, Cool Whip, Reddi-Whip and Marlboros
Cream of Wheat, Nutra-Sweet, Geritol and Mallomars
Sunkist, Tuna Twist, My-T-Fineand Snickers Bars
Shake and Bake, Brim, Awake, Corn Flakesand Tasty Kakes
Wheat Chex, Sominex, Termin-X and Desenex
(Varoom)
Brooks Brothers, May Brothers, Bonwit's and Neiman-Marcus
Wanamakers, Bloomingdales, Safe-way supermarkets
Filene's, Dairy Queens, Burdines and Plymouth Shops
Gemco, MEmo, Garfinkels, Quik-Stops
Dayton, Hudson, (slowly) and in a hcstile sneak attack
I'll get Laura Ashley to merge with Manny, MOe and Jack
(up tempo)
I'll merge anything, man
Yes, I'll merge anything, man
At mergers I'm the king man
I'll make the lawyers sing man
I make the cashbox ring man
I'll merge anything
(Varooom)
I'll merge anything man
YES, I'll merge anything man
My pyramid could crash man
I'm buying with no cash man
But I'll buy it while I can man
Then I'll sell it all to Japan
['1' sell : = to Japan
D - 14
REX: (Throwing arm around PICKENS) Son, I'm afraid you're a
hopeless case
(Enter BARRY as an angel, amid oohs and ahs)
JUNE: That can't be a Democrat. He looks so
so
: .
angelic.
REX: Why that's Marion Barry, the mayor of Washington, D.C.
What in heaven's name are you doing here?
MCCARTNEY: He got lost looking for the pharmacy -- or maybe
the coke machine?
(BARRY sings ''Granada'')
D-15
MARION BARRY
Mayor Barry
(Tune - Granada)
Why must I make news with the room that I choose
At Ramada?
I can't make a stop without finding some cop
At Ramada.
Forget all those topics involving the tropics,
And pour me a subpoena colada.
Why, I'm so beguilin' that all the folks
On each Virgin I-islan'
Are smilin' my way.
They sure have their gall to attempt to recall
Marion Barry.
My power to bounce back from a media attack's
Legendary.
The news from St. Thomas, it only shows promise
Of making my job temporary.
One thing that has really excited me
Is no one's indicted me,
At least for today.
D-16
(Enter DUKAKIS dressed as Elvis.)
JUNE: Oooooh! Ellll-visss!
(Women in CHORUS scream eeeeee and near-swoon.)
REX: Get control of yhourself, June. That's not Elvis, it's
Michael Dukakis. People thought he died last fall, but he's
alive. And he's here for a personality transplant.
(DANCERS throw off bathrobes to reveal prison stripes and
police uniforms. They line up behind DUKAKIS as he-she sings
''Furlough Rock. '')
D-17
FURLOUGH ROCK
Mike Dukakis
(Tune - Jailhouse Rock)
Here's a story 'bout a party in the county jail,
The prison band was tuned up and began to wail.
I said: ''Hey, Willie, I will set you free.
Come on and do the Furlough Rock with me.
CHORUS: And let's walk,
Everybody, let's walk.
Everybody in the whole cell block
Will be joinin' in the Furlough Rock.
Atwater said to Teeter: ''Bob, I've got a plan
To knock Mike Dukakis on his lib'ral can.
We'll film these pris'ners in revolving doors,
And leave the networks crying out for more.
CHORUS: Repeat
DUKE: Here and now I'm confessin' that I rue the day
That I turned him loose so he could go astray.
He was just a fella dressed in black and white,
But the voters saw him walkin' on TV each night.
CHORUS: Repeat
D - 18
THOMAS: If it's not Elvis, send him to the morgue.
(Enter SUPREME COURT, carrying picket sings and chanting ''No
mo Roe. '')
JUNE: Good grief, it's the Supreme Court, come to picket our
abortion clinic.
REX: You can't trespass in this hospital!
COURT: Just Watch Us!
(COURTS sings ''Roe, Roe, Roe'')
D-19
ROE V. WADE
Justice O'Connor & Court
(Tune - He Would Row, Row, Row)
We'll throw out Roe V. Wade,
No more pretending,
Without Roe V. Wade
Our trouble's ending.
No more pickets at our door,
We'll be just like before.
Let's send our trouble on the double
To the State House floor.
When there's no Roe V. Wade
Upon our docket,
And we lock it out of sight.
We will stop and sequester each early trimester,
No more Roe V. Wa-ay-ade.
(Repeats of close)
CHORUS: We're exceedingly wary, to grant certiorari.
No more Roe V. Wa-ay-ade.
We've become catatonic on things embryonic
No more Roe V. Wa-ay-ade.
Spare us legal perception on birth and conception
No more Roe V. Wa-ay-ade.
D - 20
REX: This hospital reminds me of the Titanic. We've got to
call in a specialist, someone to take command and try to steer us
toward smoother waters.
NOVAK: I hear that Ron Brown is available, (Enter BROWN), but
he might be subject to outside influence.
(BROWN sings 'Sit Down, You're Rockin' the Boat'')
Curtain
0 21
``SIT DOWN, YOU'RE ROCKIN' THE BOAT'')
Ron Brown
Tune Same
I dreamed last night we were headed for the White House
The taste of cornpone lingered in my mouth.
I'll take a stand on each side of ev'ry issue,
But my butt keeps getting kicked from the South.
So I said to my friend, Sam Nunn:
Sit down, you're rockin' the boat.
Sam Nunn, you must sit down,
Sit down, you're rockin' the boat.
G.O.P. will drag us under
By the heavy weight of the redneck vote.
Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down,
Sit down, you're rockin' the boat.
Now that I've learned to be moderate from Teddy,
I have a dream we can really nail George Bush.
And here I stand as the party's brand-new chairman,
Then some lefty lib'ral gives me a push.
So I said, Jesse, you sit down.
Sit down you're rockin' the boat.
Jesse, you must sit down,
Sit down, you're rockin' the boat.
Poppy Bush will drag us under
By the sharp lapels of your handmade coat.
Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down,
Sit down, your're rockin' the boat.
CHORUS (quiet): Sit down, you're rockin'
Sit down, sit down, sit down, you're rockin'
the boat
Sit down, you're rockin'
Sit down, sit down, sit down, you're rockin'
the boat
(Loud) Sit down, you're rockin' the boat.
R - 1
REPUBLICAN CAST
Atwater
Bandy
Chuck Soundbite
Bailey
Connie Cable
Scowcroft
Ritter
Throwweight
Emory
Tower
Duvall
Cheney
Sult
Sununu Aide
Thomas
Bennett
Phillips
Kemp
Wiese
Sununu
Bigbee
Liddy Dole
Ribble
Bob Dole
Stranahan
Darman
Raspberry
Doo-Wap Girls
McFeatters, Means, Page
Arafat
Cohen
Barbara Bush
Arvidson
Nixon
Hall
Quayle
Cooper
Speechwriter
M Ryan
R. 2
1989 GRIDIRON SHOW
Republican Act
(President O'Rourke introduced Lars-Erik Nelson, chairman of
the Republican Act. )
NELSON:
(Curtain rises on ATWATER and CHORUS dressed as cowboys, Ivy
,
Leaguers and both. They sing ''Look Out, Here We Come.
R 3
REPUBLICAN OPENER
Atwater and Chorus
(Tune - Look Out, Here We Come)
When Reagan up and left us, I felt my life was done.
The Reagan revolution seemed over and dead.
Then far off in the distance, I thought I heard some
stumbling,
So I raised up my eyes and I lifted my head.
They were rich and white and handsome like heroes in a movie.
They were pledging allegiance and talking capital gains.
They ride horses, they play tennisw, they make cautious
investments, They' ve got Ivy League diplomas and blue blood in their veins.
R-4
CHUCK: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, this is Chuck
Soundbite speaking to you from the Skull and Bones Dude Ranch
just outside Witchita Falls, Texas, where the Bush Administration
is holding its annual retreat. Actually they donm't call it a
retreat, they call it a temporary setback.
My broadcasting partner, Connie Cable, and I will be bringing
you the highlights of all the the Republican events - the croquet
match, the polo tournament and so on - live from the scene.
CONNIE: So right, Chuck, and let's introduce a few of the top
personalities we'll be sending into your living room during the
next half-hour. You've already heard the best of Lee Atwater,
Poppy Bush's new national chairman; you can spot him by his
Howard University beanie. (ATWATER bows.)
CHUCK: Right, Connie, and the big buckaroo with Lee is John
Sununu. Now that he's mastered the White House, he's proposing
that he run for the Senate from New Hampshire. (SUNUNU waves. ):
CONNIE: And over there, Chuck, is Big Jim Baker teaching Dick
Darman how to deal three-card Monte and similar tricks of
sleight-of-hand. (They respond) He'll need them all.
CHUCK: For our first live on-the-scene exclusive interview,
let's bring on Brent Scowcroft, the national security director,
and his Russian counterpart, Serge Throw-weight. I think they're
going to kick around the missile thing.
(SCOWCROFT and SERGE sing ''Please Don't Put Your Missiles``)
R-5
NO SILO MISSILES
Scowcroft & Russian
(Tune - I Didn't Raise My Boy to Be a Soldier)
SCOW: Oh, please don't put our missiles into siloes,
For siloes are so vuln' rable, you see,
That if we put our missiles into siloes,
They' 11 think we seek first-strike capacity. (Capacity)
And if they think that we seek first to strike them,
They may attack us first, pre-emptively.
It costs a little more, but there's less chance of war
If we don't put our missiles into siloes.
No, do not put our missiles into siloes.
Instead I have a far superior plan:
We'll just put tiny missiles on our highways
And name these little missiles Midgetman. (Midgetman)
These little missiles make a smaller target.
Which they can't hit and thus they won't attack.
Though there's a higher price, the Midget's my advice.
So please don't put our missiles into siloes.
RUSSKY: No, we won't put new missiles in old siloes,
Old silo missiles really make us weak.
Instead, we let them roll around Siberia.
Is new atomic game of hide-and-seek. (Hide-and-seek)
BOTH: So let us both resort to mobile missiles,
Those little bitsy friends of all mankind.
CHORUS: It costs a little more, but there's less chance of war
If we do not put our missiles into siloes.
R-6
CONNIE: Now we present two real Republican celebrities: a
Texan who just proved you can go home again - John Tower - and
the new Pentagon chief, his successor so-to-speak - Dick Cheney.
They' re asking each other questions.
(TOWER and CHENEY sing 'What Did I Have?'' )
R.7
THEY PASSED IN THE PENTAGON
Tower & Cheney
(Tune - What Did I Have?)
TOWER: What did Dick have that I don't have?
How could the Senate find him wiser?
Why did my charms set off alarms
With all those former pals?
What did they see that ruled out me?
How could they knock a womanizer?
Nothing disgracing in skirt-chasing
Long as you stick to gals.
I'm just a victim of time,
Mustered out in my prime.
While the Senators stalled,
I got mauled.
What can Dick do that I can't do?
Me, the high-priced defense advisor?
How could those drinks and pers' nal kinks produce dismay?
Oh, what has Dick got I threw away?
CHENEY: Why did I win what Tower lost?
Rockets and bombers, I've no knack of.
My resume's proper and gray,
No military there.
Fun? Raw recruit number one
Set to fight with San Nunn.
Sam'll try to put me
On K.P.
What did John skip that's now my trip?
He may know more than I've lost track of.
I would off-fob this lousy job if I knew how.
Oh, why did John want what I've got now?
TOWER: Why did I want what Dick's got now?
CHORUS: Why did we have this tasteless row?
R-8
CHUCK: Connie, let's spice the show up now with a little
explainer about the White House staff. We should know more about
thge Chief of Staff, the man who masterminded the Tower
confirmation, the man who's filled all those top administration
jobs, the man with the power.
CONNIE: What power?
CHUCK: The power of hoodoo
CONNIE: Who do?
CHUCK: Sunu do.
CONNIE: Sunu-who?
CHUCK: His chief aide will explain.
(SUNUNU AIDE comes forward and sings 'If You Knew Sunu')
R-9
OH, WHAT A NAME
Sununu Aide
(Tune - If You Knew Susie)
If you knew Sunu
Like I know Nunu,
Oh, oh, oh what a name.
There'll be no voodoo
With John Sununu
Oh, oh, No Sununu means deep doodoo.
When your boo-boos, you want to flush,
John Sununu's better than a Fuller brush.
If you knew Sunu
Like I know Nunu,
Oh, oh, what a name.
CHORUS repeat 3 lines.
R-10
CONNIE: Chuck, isn't John Sununu one of the conservatives
George Bush has appointed?
CHUCK: Yes, Connie, but there aren't very many of them.
There's Sununu (he waves) and Bill Bennett, the drug czar, (he
waves) and Jack Kemp, the HUD secretary (likewise), and that's
about the size of it.
CONNIE: They must feel a little lonesome.
(BENNETT, KEMP and SUNUNU sing ''The Music of the Right'')
R 11
CONSERVATIVE LAMENT
Bennett, Kemp & Sununu
(Tune - The Music of the Night)
BENNETT: Softly, subtly, in Bill Bennett fashion,
Drug kings, peddlers, they'll feel my compassion.
Use ROTC, Campfire Girls and infantry,
Call up National Guards to seal our borders tight.
I'll make them hear the message of the right.
KEMP: Reaganomics, how I praised its logic,
Fought for tax cuts, deep and demagogic.
Now I'm out to spend, as the cities' special friend,
Lots of extra dough to scrub the slums up bright.
Somehow that's now the message of the right.
SUNUNU: Now that I've left New Hampshire to be White House
chief,
I'm pragmatic as problem-solvers are.
Mod'rate plans I once refused to push
I embrace as wisdom from George Bush
THREE: Sweetly, calmly, all cooperation
Rightwing zealots build a gentler nation.
No more mutineers, we've discovered new careers,
Now that Reagan's out, we're peaceful and contrite.
We've cooled it now, the message of the right.
R-12
CHUCK: Connie, have you spotted that odd couple? The wife
seems to be the life of the party, but her husband isn't enjoying
it at all.
CONNIE: That's Liddy Dole, but I'm not sure Bob Dole even got
a Bush invitation.
(The DOLES come forward and sing ''Dole to Dole'')
R- 13
DOLE TO DOLE
Liddy & Bob Dole
(Tune - Baby, It's Cold Outside)
Liddy: I like my new job
Bob: But, Liddy, it's cold outside.
I'm one of the mob.
But, Liddy , it's cold outside.
And George Bush has been
He's trying to take you in
So very nice
You need political advice.
Sununu thinks I'm a comer
You're lucky to last 'til summer.
And you know he's a Lebanese dear
John has really hooked her, that's
clear.
Bob, you could not be dumber
Liddy, they've got your number
Well, one of us should have a career!
That leaves me to cry in my beer.
Stop grumbling, Bob
But, Liddy, it's bad out here.
You've got a nice job.
No spoils to be had out here.
And all that you need's
I'm peddling words, not deeds
An inside fix
What? Try again in '96?
Hey, Dan Quayle can't live forever
Each day he gets more clever
A gal might even push him aside
You can then deny that you tried.
I like where I am
But I need some new clout
Oh, Bob, it's warm inside Liddy, it's cold outside
R - 14
CHUCK: Now for a sporting item. It looks like Dick Darman has
mastered three-card budget Monte.
CONNIE: But the committee from the Doo-Wap Taxpayers Guild is
still questioning his word.
(DARMAN and the DOO-WAP GIRLS Sing 'Just Read My Lips'')
R- 15
JUST READ MY LIPS
Darman and the Doo-Waps
(Tune - It's in My Lips)
DWS: You told the voters there'd be no new tax,
Now what's all this talk about a duck that quacks
Is it a user fee?
DARMAN: No,no, it's not a fee.
DWS: Is it a VAT?
DARMAN: No, no, there'll be no new tax
Unless you hear some quacks
Just read my lips.
DWS: Quack, quack, quack, quack
A hike on real estate?
DARMAN: No, no, 'cause that's a tax
DWS: A new withholding rate?
DARMAN: No, no, what the boss subtracts
I'd have to call a tax'
Just read my lips.
DWS: Quack, quack, quack, quack.
DWS: We'll grill you and grill you
And nail your feet to the floor.
We'll make your promises watertight
And then we'll slam the door.
How 'bout a tax on booze?
DARMAN: No, no, we won't tax gin.
DWS: To raise your revenues?
DARMAN: No, no, ther'll be no new tax
Unless you hear some quacks.
Just read my lips.
DWS: Quack, quack., quack, quack
R-16
DARMAN: Just read my lips
DWS: (Uncoordinated quacking)
DARMAN: (mouthing silently) Just read my lips.
R - 17
CONNIE: Chuck, you know these Republicans have always worried
a lot about the Middle East. And, look, they' ve invited to their
party that cute handkerchief-head, Yassir Arafat.
(Enter ARAFAT who sings 'Yassir, I'm Your Baby'')
R-18
YASSIR, I'M YOUR BABY
Arafat
(Tune - Yessir, She's My Baby)
Yassir, I'm your baby,
Say ''Yes'' but mean ''Maybe,''
Yasssir, I'm your baby now.
I just want a visa,
My aim is to please ya.
I won't Edwin Meece ya now.
Abu Abbas, was is das?
Abu Nidal, he's not my pal.
Famous for my hat-style,
A-rabs go for that style,
I dress in fat-cat style now.
P.L.O., how to go!
No more beast of the Mid-East.
I'm red, white and bluish,
Talk tough, but not shrewish.
Don't I look a little Jewish now?i
I'm red, white and bluish,
Talk tough but not shrewish,
Don't I look a little Jewish now?
R-19
CHUCK: Now there's a special interest news item, a female
Republican jogger.
CONNIE: Chuck, that's Barbara Bush. You'd think she'd get
enough exercise bringing George back in line on some of those
issues.
(BARBARA BUSH jogs to a halt in front of the microphone and
sings '''m the Talk of the Town')
(Enter BARBARA BUSH)
WALTER: Unless these old eyes deceive me, that's the First
Lady, Barbara Bush.
CONNIE: She agrees with the President on almost everything,
but there WAS that question of semi-automatic rifles. I hear
their argument almost came to violence.
(She sings.)
LAY THAT UZI DOWN
Barbara Bush
(Tune - Pistol Packin' Mama)
Drinkin' milk with George one night,
I gave him some advice.
I know you're kind and quite refined,
But one thing's not so nice.
CHORUS: Lay that Uzi down, George,
Lay that Uzi down,
Pistol-packin' Poppy,
Lay that Uzi, down!
My husband is a good man,
The nicest you can find,
But when it comes to burp-burp guns,
He can't make up his mind. (I told him
)
CHORUS repeat
Thinkin' how he'd bag a bird,
George said: '`The sport comes first.
If sport require, a man must fire
An automatic burst. (I shot back
)
CHORUS repeat
I know you like your game, George,
So tell the N.R.A.
Unless those guys get civilized,
Your wife won't let you play. (I'm shoutin'
)
CHORUS: Lay that Uzi down, George,
Lay that Uzi down.
Hear your new First Momma,
Lay that Uzi down.
R - 21
CHUCK: And now, for another sports exclusive, we bring you one
of the veteran Republican political coaches, Dick Nixon. He's
full of advice these days.
CONNIE: But who's his young protege?
CHUCK: Why, that's the promising young lightweight, Dangerous
Danny Quayle.
(NIXON and QUAYLE sing ''I Believe in You'')
R-22 22
I BELIEVE IN YOU
Nixon & Quayle
Tune - Same
You've got the cool clear eyes of a seeker of wisdom and
truth,
You're not the intell-ect-u-al midget you seemed in your
youth.
Oh, I believe in you, I believe in you.
You're not the dim bulb I had been led to believe I would see.
Are you an air-head dilettante lightweight? You sure could
fool me.
'Cause I believe in you, I believe in you.
I think you're perfectly qualified,
As the Veep, you're swell.
All my concerns have been mollified
If Bush stays well
CHORUS:
George, stay well.
I know John Kennedy, and, thank goodness you're nothing like
he.
Although you're rich and handsome, you could be a lot more
like me.
Oh, I believe in you.
CHORUS:
We believe in you.
QUAYLE: Look at this face, I could use a wrinkle, a gray hair
or two.
Perhaps a South American trip would improve me, like you.
NIXON: I agree with you, I agree with you.
BOTH: I think you're perfectly qualified,
As the Veep, you're swell.
Everyone's cares will be molified
If Bush stays well.
CHORUS:
Please stay well.
You have been heaven sent for the menial duties ahead.
If Bush will bundle up, all four winters we'll face without
dread.
NIXON: I believe in you.
QUAYLE:
I believe in you.
R-23
(Enter SPEECHWRITER with text. )
CONNIE: Is this our Texas host himself?
CHUCK: No, Connie, this is a White House speechwriter. He's
going to deliver the Bush message just as though he were
president.
( SPEECHWRITER sings ''Bush Battle Hymn`)
Curtain
R-24
BUSCH BATTLE HYMN
White House Speechwriter
(Tune - Battle Hymn of the Republic)
Mine eyes have seen the glory of a kinder gentler land,
With a cop on ev'ry corner and a gun in ev'ry hand.
Tiny tots in public schools will pledge allegiance on command,
George Bush is in command.
Swift and certain prosecution, merciful electrocution,
All within the Constitution, Bob Bork will understand.
As soon as he is ready, we'll find steady work for Quayle,
We'll send him off to Boston with a shovel and a pail.
When he's cleaned up Boston Harbor so the summer folks can
sail,
We'll send Dan Quayle to Yale.
Better broader education, that's our highest obligation,
But we owe it to the nation to start with Danny Quayle.
You will see me in the watchfires of a thousand points of
light,
Peggy Noonan said 'Just say it and the folks will think
you're bright.
Perhaps she meant the message send on TV ev rynight:
A thousand sounds of bite.
CHORUS: Sis-boom-bah and hallelujah, Eli Yale will boola-boo
ya,
Read my lips so I can rule ya. You gotta read them right.
I've proclaimed a kindly gospel to protect me from defeat.
I picked Tower 'cause I always have admired an ath-e-lete.
But look at all the wholesome folks the Senate didn't beat:
Th' establishment elite.
CHORUS: Boola, boola, hallelujah, don't let Congress try to
fool ya.
Gentle George is gonna rule ya SOLO: Being president is neat.
CHORUS: (Amen) Boo-la
C - 1
CLOSER
Solo & Chorus
(Tune - I'll See You Again)
SOLO: We'll see you again
When politics breaks through again.
Though fate and fortune go wrong,
Laughter and song
Can live forever.
Each fond memory
From year to year will guarantee
Fellowship still warm and bright,
Leaders searching for the light,
Writers wond'ring what to write
Good night.
CHORUS: We'll review again
The news we then call new again
SOLO: Candidates foolish and wise
Are sure to rise
By 1990.
Bush may then admit
He cannot beat that deficit.
But though all else go awry,
CHORUS: Hope next year that you'll drop by
For another Gridiron try
Goodby.
1.6
1.145k
12m
THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON
MEMORANDUM FOR:
GRIDIRON CREDENZA
FROM:
NO KNOWN RANKING
DATE:
MARCH 14, 1990
Attached is some background and brainstorming material for
tonight's exclusive engagement.
Take a few minutes to go over it and work up ideas.
See you in Dave's office at 6:00 p.m. tonight!
THE 1990 GRIDIRON CLUB DINNER
The Capitol Hilton
625 Guests
5:30 p.m.: The drinks start rolling
6:45ish: POTUS arrives
7:00: Dinner
THE PROGRAM FOR THE EVENING
o
7:00
The festivities begin with the traditional Speech
In The Dark by the Club's new president, David
Broder of the Washington Post
USMC band enters, plays, exits
Opening musical number
Recognitions
Install the new president
Introduce new members
Acknowledge some members of the audience
Democratic skit
(20-30 minutes of song and dance)
Democratic response by Tom Foley
Republican skit
(also 20-30 minutes of song and dance)
Republican response by Dick Cheney
Closing musical number
Toast to the President
Presidential response
Auld Lang Syne
(the fat lady sings
)
CONTACT: Penny Dixon
783-7787
NOTE: The headtable members and seating arrangements are not yet
finalized. I'm told they should be done by March 23rd.
BRAINSTORM MATERIAL:
Panama
Noriega
VOO doo
red underwear
Dave Barry calling Media Relations to determine the color
of POTUS' underwear
the real name of the Panama invasion:
"Operation Just BEcause"
Noriega's prison ID number/Florida lottery numbers (12,000 people
played it)
Rock music played loudly
"Al Portador" must quite the wealthy fellow these days. It turns
out that General Noriega was making out checks for millions and
millions of dollars to this guy
But, "Al Portador" means
"To The Bearer" in Spanish!
HUD work
Mayor Barry
the Vista Hotel
Colombia
the extreme security measures
sleeping on the plane
When Marlin said last month that I can sleep right through
takeoff, he was NOT referring to my first 100 days!
the San Francisco earthquake
Hurricane Hugo
the Huntington Beach oil spill
Savings and Loans
Keating
global climate change
IPCC speech
Sununu
trees
clean air
Mike Tyson
Buster Douglas
the Superbowl/ the 49'ers/ the Broncos
China
secret missions
Scowcroft/Eagleburger
drug caterpillars
the baseball strike
the Berlin Wall
So much for the Wall, here at home, White House staffers are
said to have been stealing sandstone chunks of the White
House as it undergoes construction.
the East German put-put freedom cars
Soviets trying to make a convertible Ruble
the new McDonalds in Moscow
Lithuania is revolting
What scares me about a unified Germany?
they' 11 beat the PANTS
off us in the Olympics!
Yes/No coffee cups at New York area 7-11 stores
They have been used to "poll" customers on such issues
as Congressional pay raises (they ran out of NO cups)
and "Trump for President"
the Malta summit
stormy seas
seasick patches behind the ears
the "hotdogging" President
Deborah Norville/ Jane Pauley
Will the Bushes rename Camp David
"Camp Marvin"???
the Trump divorce
Marla Maples
Donna Rice
Jessica Hahn
Marla Maples
Tom Clancy
The Hunt for Red October
Rap music
Art Buchwald beats Eddie Murphy in "Coming to America" suit
West Point M.A./Kristin Baker (first female cadet commander)
women in combat
Latest pet craze -- Vietnamese potbellied pigs
African Superfrogs banned from Angels Camp Frog Jumping Contest
New NCAA regs
AMA study -- liquor is quicker for women
Barbara Bush gave Inaugural gown to Smithsonian
Jesse Helms/art
Drexel Burnham Lambert/Michael/junk bonds
the Rafsanjani phone call
Pete Rose
the first Miss USSR pageant
Soviet women in Playboy
Malcolm Forbes passed away
Dan Quayle's South American doll
Municipal employees in Yorba Linda, CA get a holiday on Richard
Nixon's birthday
I sure pity the guy who was planning his American summer
vacation. He wanted to tour the country by Greyhound
and catch baseball games across the nation.
POP CULTURE
cordless phones
answering machines
car phones
fax machines
TV remote controls
compact discs
cable TV
Automatic Teller Machines
Batman paraphenelia
the Mazda Miata
Post-It Notes
personal computers
Video -- Reagan's, Totally Hidden, America's Funniest,
cholesterol
oat bran
sugar substitutes, fat substitutes
bottled water
the Perrier scare
Ben & Jerry's ice cream
liquid diets
Marlin: -55 lbs; Gorbachev commented on it at Malta
Foley:
trying to lose 45 and is well on his way;
too bad his bike was stolen at the Y
Rostenkowski: grape fruit diet
Atwater: Slimfast shakes and honey chicken wings
TELEVISION
Pat Sajak
Alex Trebek
Dick Clark
Arsenio Hall
Johnny Carson
Vanna White
David Letterman
"The Top 10 Reasons Why
"
America's Funniest Home Videos
Wheel of Fortune
Jeopardy
Roseanne
Cosby
thirtysomething
The Wonder Years
Cheers
(Sam and Diane
Donaldson and Sawyer?)
Return of the Brady Bunch
(Nicholas Brady?)
LA Law
Unsolved Mysteries
The Capitol Gang
The McLaughlin Group
A Current Affair
The Simpsons
Bart
the TV commercial for the Nissan Infiniti luxury sedan
the viewers never saw the car, only serene rocks, water,
clouds, etc.
Domino's Pizza: Avoid the Noid
Joe Isuzu
American Express: Don't Leave Home Without It
Tip O'Neill appearing out of a suitcase
MOVIES
The Hunt for Red October
Henry V
Look Who's Talking
She Devil
Parenthood
Dead Poets Society
Glory
War of the Roses
Do The Right Thing
Lethal Weapon I and II
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
The 3 Fugitives
The Naked Gun
The Fabulous Baker Boys
(Jim Baker and Co?)
My Stepmother Is An Alien
Steel Magnolias
Back to the Future
When Harry Met Sally
Driving Miss Daisy
Crimes and Misdemeanors
Sea of Love
Batman
Three Men and a Baby
Sex, Lies, and Videotape
Nuns on the Run
You know, traveling on Air Force One with
really
proves the postulate that he who snores the loudest will fall
asleep first!
--On a golf outing, the President replaced General
Scowcroft's golf ball with an exploding chalk ball.
the House gym, it has been written, is so often used for
dates that members refer to it as "Sauna and Gomorrah"
Nude Beaches and Recreation listed the Senate pool as the
only place in Washington where nude swimming is allowed.
(( In reference to recent CA trip: ))
"LA is my favorite museum."
(David Bowie)
--At a second hand garage sale:
Jim and Betty Wright's dinette set, going for $300. It is a
Spanish style ensemble and the wood is painted "fiesta orange".
The shop claims it is not "any piece of junk, but a piece of
history!"
--A mock ad in March's Washingtonian magazine touts the
first "CONGRESSIONAL FANTASY CAMP"
the political version
of baseball "fantasy camps" for overaged athletes.
These campers, says the spoof, get to work with
Senators Kennedy, Dole, Mikulski, and "all the other greats you
have followed in the papers and watched on the evening news!"
Also promised:
limited franking privileges
token honoraria
live C-Span coverage
a 500-word "extension of remarks in Congressional Rec.
HEAD TABLE
GRIDIRON CLUB SPRING DINNER
1
31 March 1990
David S. Broder
President of the Gridiron Club
United States
Chief Justice
Mrs. Bush
Speaker of the House
Mr. Graham
Mary Graham
Mrs. Broder
John Sununu
Secretary of Defense
Mrs. Rehnquist
Mrs. Foley
Gov. Wilder
Secretary of the Treasury
Mrs. Cheney
Mayor Dinkins
Amb. Cape Verde (?)
Attorney General
Secretary of the Interior
Dick Darman
Rep. Michel
Sen. Cranston
Secretary of Agriculture
Gen. Scowcroft
Alan Greenspan
Nancy Ellis - POTUS sis
Ch. Joint Chiefs
Gov. Thompson
Sec. Health & Human Services
Secretary of the Air Force
Secretary of the Army
Ron Brown
Marlin Fitzwater
Sec. of Transportation
Ch., Federal Trade Comm.
Gen. Gray
Lee Atwater
Director of the F.B.I.
Mr. Milliken
Mr. Kearns - Xeroy chair
Baldridge award
Mr. Cowles win III
Balar dge
Chr, Newsp. Pub. Assn
DOUG GAMBLE
Lange
424-36th Place
Manhattan Beach, CA 90266
March 13/90
(213) 546-6409
TO: KRISTEN GEAR
5 Pages
GRIDIRON DINNER (Mark Lange)
I HAVEN'T SEEN PEOPLE THIS WELL DRESSED SINCE I WAS IN CALIFORNIA A FEW WEEKS
AGO, AND THE ANNENBERGS HELD A GARAGE SALE.
THIS LOOKS LIKE THE KIND OF AUDIENCE WHERE NO ONE WILL COME UP TO ME AND
COMPLAIN ABOUT POSTAGE GOING UP TO 30 CENTS.
WHEN I TOLD BARBARA WE'D BE SPENDING TONIGHT AT THE HOTEL WHERE ALL THE ACTION
IS, SHE THOUGHT I MEANT THE VISTA.
BARBARA WAS A SENSATION HERE LAST YEAR WHEN SHE SHOWED UP WEARING A RED WIG.
i GAVE HER AN IDEA HOW SHE COULD TOP HERSELF THIS YEAR, BUT SHE REFUSED TO
DRESS UP AS MARLA MAPLES.
I'VE BEEN HEARING THE CRITICISM OF SOME DEMOCRATS AND SOME IN THE MEDIA ABOUT
SO-CALLED TIMIDITY, LACK OF VISION, A LOW PROFILE AND UNINSPIRING SPEECHES.
WELL I'M NOT CONCERNED. I'M SURE MY FRIEND TOM FOLEY WILL IMPROVE.
(He's the Democratic speaker.)
MORE
- 2 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: KRISTEN GEAR GRIDIRON (CONT'D)
DESPITE THE CHARGES THAT I HAVE A THIN SKIN, I ENJOY BEING LAMPOONED BY
THE WASHINGTON PRESS CORPS. SOMETIMES KNOWN AS THE "DIGNITY BATALLION."
I'VE HEARD CRITICISM THAT I'M OBSESSED WITH PUBLIC OPINION POLLS. THE FACT
IS, I DON'T THINK POLLS SERVE ANY USEFUL PURPOSE AT ALL -- AND 67% OF THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE AGREE WITH ME.
SURE, BARBARA AND I REGISTER HIGH IN THE POPULARITY POLLS, BUT I WON'T REST
UNTIL 100% OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ARE BEHIND THE BUSHES.
THERE ARE SOME WHO SAY I'M SECRETIVE. WELL I HAVE AN ANSWER FOR THAT, BUT
I CAN'T TELL YOU BECAUSE IT MIGHT LEAK OUTSIDE THIS ROOM.
SOME IN THE MEDIA THINK I'M DEVIOUS. WELL I'LL FOOL THEM.
SOME ACCUSE ME OF BEING TOO CAUTIOUS. I'LL RESPOND TO THAT AFTER I'VE
CONSIDERED ALL SIDES OF THE QUESTION.
SOME SAY I'M TOO TIMID. I'D LIKE TO END THAT PERCEPTION RIGHT HERE AND NOW,
BUT I'M AFRAID OF THE REPERCUSSIONS.
I'D LIKE TO REPORT TO YOU ON THE VISION THING. FOR A FEW MINUTES LAST NIGHT I
THOUGHT I HAD A VISION, BUT IT TURNED OUT TO BE INDIGESTION.
MORE...
- 3 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: KRISTEN GEAR - GRIDIRON (CONT'D)
IT JUST so HAPPENS THAT I DO HAVE A VISION. 1 SEE AN AMERICA WHERE REPORTERS
WON'T CRITICIZE ME ONCE I'VE HAD THEM OVER FOR DINNER.
I WANT TO THANK AT&T FOR THEIR OFFER, BUT I'VE DECIDED NOT TO APPEAR WITH
RAFSANJANI IN A "REACH OUT AND TOUCH SOMEONE" COMMERCIAL.
I'VE TAKEN A LOT OF KIDDING ABOUT THAT HOAX PHONE CALL, so I JUST WANT TO MAKE
IT CLEAR THAT THE GUY WHO CALLED WAS RAFSANJANI. UNFORTUNATELY - IRVING
RAFSANJANI, A TOLEDO PIPE-FITTER.
WE GOT BACK AT IRAN. RICH LITTLE PHONED RAFSANJANI PRETENDING TO BE ME.
i'LL TAKE A PHONE CALL FROM ANY ADVERSARY I'M HAVING PROBLEMS WITH, IF THERE'S
A CHANCE TO IRON OUT OUR DIFFERENCES. BUT FOR FUTURE REFERENCE MY MESSAGE TO
MY STAFF IS: DAMMIT, IF IT SOUNDS LIKE GREENSPAN, MAKE SURE IT IS GREENSPAN.'
I DON'T MIND MY FOREIGN POLICY BEING CRITICIZED, AS LONG AS THE CRITICS ARE
KNOWLEDGABLE ABOUT WORLD AFFAIRS. I ASKED (A DEMOCRAT) WHAT HE THOUGHT ABOUT
REUNIFICATION, AND HE SAID "MAYBE THE TRUMPS WILL GET BACK TOGETHER."
EVENTS MOVE so QUICKLY THESE DAYS, IT'S MIND-BOGGLING. IT'S so WONDERFUL TO
Inst lat
SEE FREE SPEECH RESTORED TO THE SOVIET UNION. 90 EASTERN EUROPE. to ANDY ROONEY.
MORE...
- 4 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: KRISTEN GEAR - GRIDIRON (CONT'D)
ON THE WAY IN I PASSED BY A GUY WHO'S ON A HUNGER STRIKE UNTIL THE GOVERNMENT
DCES MORE ABOUT AID TO THE IMPOVERISHED. I STOPPED AND SAID "LOOK, I HATE
TO SEE YOU SUFFER LIKE THIS CONGRESSMAN GEPHARDT, BUT WE'RE NOT SENDING AID.
TO THE SOVIETS."
I TOLD JOHN SUNUNU I WAS NEVER so INSPIRED AS I WAS A FEW WEEKS AGO WHEN A
BRAVE, FORMERLY PERSECUTED LEADER VISITED CAPITOL HILL, MADE A SPEECH AND
HAD CONGRESSMEN EATING OUT OF HIS HAND. JOHN SAID "YES, VACLAV HAVEL WAS
REMARKABLE." I SAID "I KNOW, BUT I MEAN RICHARD NIXON."
I THOUGHT PRESIDENT CARTER DID A GREAT JOB OBSERVING THE ELECTION IN NICARAGUA.
I UNDERSTAND HE ASKED FOR BODYGUARDS TO BE WITH HIM AT ALL TIMES, AND WAS TOLD
HE HAD NOTHING TO FEAR FROM EITHER THE CONTRAS OR SANDINISTAS. HE SAID "I KNOW,
BUT WHAT ABOUT KILLER RABBITS?"
I ASKED DICK CHENEY NOT TO BE TOO FUNNY TONIGHT so I WOULDN'T HAVE A TOUGH ACT
TO FOLLOW. DICK SAID "WHY ASK ME, TOM FOLEY WILL PROBABLY BE FUNNY TOO."
I
SAID "I KNOW. BUT I CAN'T FIRE TOM FOLEY."
IT'S ONLY DUE TO FLUKE CIRCUMSTANCES THAT DICK CHENEY IS WHERE HE IS TODAY. WHEN
THE TOWER NOMINATION FELL THROUGH, I TOLD JOHN SUNUNU TO GET ME MY FAVORITE
POLITICIAN FROM WYOMING, AND JOHN DIDN'T REALIZE I MEANT AL SIMPSON.
DICK LEARNED A LITTLE ABOUT DEFENSE IN THE FORD ADMINISTRATION. HE USED TO PUT ON
COMBAT GEAR TO PLAY GOLF WITH JERRY.
MORE
- 5 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: KRISTEN GEAR - GRIDIRON (CONT'D)
DICK HAS TO WRESTLE WITH A VITAL ISSUE NEXT WEEK: WHETHER FEMALE CATERPILLARS
SHOULD BE ALLOWED IN COMBAT.
DICK DARMIN POINTED OUT A POSSIBLE FLAW IN MY PLAN TO DROP A MILLION
CATERPILLARS ON COLOMBIA. AFTER THEY'VE EATEN THE COCOA LEAVES, IS THE
AMERICAN TAXPAYER WILLING TO SEND THEM ALL TO THE BETTY FORD CENTER?
IF ANYONE THINKS WOMAN AREN'T VERY GOOD AT COMBAT, JUST PUT BARBARA BUSH
ALONE IN A ROOM WITH GEORGE WILL.
I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT REPORTS OF A FEUD BETWEEN JOHN SUNUNU AND BILL
REILLY ARE OVERBLOWN. NOT ONLY DO THEY GET ALONG FINE NOW, BUT JUST TO SHOW
THERE ARE NO HARD FEELINGS, JOHN GAVE BILL A GIFT OF A TICKET FOR A RIDE ON
A GREYHOUND BUS.
GRIDIRON MATERIAL -- FIRST ROUND
I remember an inspired moment Barbara and I had, after
leaving this dinner last year. Standing on a windy street
corner
She in a trenchcoat with the collar turned up
Her long red hair blowing in the wind
and both of us too proud
to run after it.
Phone rang the other day. Brent ran it through
intelligence. Everything checked out. Happy to take the call.
Certainly worth it. Never thought I'd hear from Elvis again.
Phone rang again later. They told me it might be a crank
call. I said, "What the hell. Put Gephardt on."
In my inaugural address, I said "the day of the dictator is
over." True, there's still one tyrant throwing his weight
around, but it takes time to reform some dictators. And I like
John Sununu.
I just wish we could convince him to stop running around in
that Batman shirt.
2
Sure, John's a tough guy. Down in Cartagena, during a
lunchtime photo op, they had to keep saying, "Remember John,
bite the taco, shake the hand
=
But I am an environmentalist. And I'm concerned about the
loss of exotic species. You know: Snail Darters
Lemmings
Communists
I guess it just proves democracy works. We have the best
technology. The best products. And the best ads to sell them.
There's even an ad for those Epilady leg shavers titled,
"When Sally Went Hairy."
* * *
I can't comment on Panama tonight. But I do want to
apologize if any of you own a drawer-full of red underwear.
Jim Baker was a little angry about the invasion. You know,
financial markets are pretty sensitive these days. One little
invasion can devastate your holdings in Fruit of the Loom
3
These are changing times. We used to say Better Dead than
Red. Now it's, "Don't be caught Dead in Red."
We used to wonder how to get the toothpaste back in the
tube. Now we're trying to get the pineapple back in the can.
Daniel Ortega -- true story -- was asked to sum up the areas
of agreement he had with Mrs. Thatcher after a meeting they held
last year. With great diplomatic skill, he answered, "We have
both dressed in green."
***
Science has taught us a lot lately. Alcohol affects women
25 percent more than men. And coffee makes men more effective
with women. I asked Barbara about it. She said, "Why don't we
talk about that over an Irish Coffee
"
Americans are concerned about education, and they ought to
be. It's time to get back to basics. Reading. Writing.
Remote-control.
***
4
I know there's a lot of concern -- even fear -- about
reunification. I've watched that situation carefully, and let me
reassure you. I've decided that even if they want to, we can't
let the Trumps won't do it.
You've got to hand it to a guy like Donald Trump. Otherwise
he'll just buy it
He did have a redeeming social grace once, but he sold that.
There but for the grace of God 11 goes God.
They're thinking about making Marla Maples into a dramatic
mini-series. You know. "Flirty-something."
***
Now, I know what the critics are saying. They say I'm too
thin skinned. Well, I resent that.
They say I don't have vision. I don't see it that way.
They say I care too much about public opinion. I don't
know. What do you think?
5
They say I'm obsessed with polls. That's true. But I'm
even more obsessed with how to pronounce "Lech Walesa. " / also
concerned about the Hungarians, the Czechs
They say I'm too cautious. That I take too much time to
respond. I'll get back to you on that one.
But kinder and gentler? Yes. I hear the voices others
don't. Haunted by them. The downtrodden. The destitute. Those
piteous souls who dared greatly, struggled bravely, and still
lost their house. Like Drexel Burnham.
* * *
Got a call from the Motor Vehicle Bureau yesterday. They
wanted to revoke my driver's license. Turns out somebody heard
me giving a speech. Said I was having more accidents with my
deliveries than Domino's.
Competition in the evening news slot has gotten really
tough. So I want to pass on an idea to boost the ratings. Let's
have Leslie Stahl read the news in a chair over a dunk tank. 11
6
Viewers could call a 900 number, and try to guess how tall
her hair is.
And then when somebody guesses right, in she goes -- and we
could finally see what it looks like when it's wet.
Hey, she couldn't be as embarrassed as Millie was, after the
nation learned that she took showers with me.
You know, Dan Rather and I haven't always seen eye to eye.
But I've come to understand him better since I heard a story from
his childhood. When he was 10, his family very nearly lost him.
His father later said, "We should have taken him further into the
hills."
I know what everybody's saying about my poll ratings.
Unbelievable, right? Well, my route to good ratings was easier
than your average talk show host's. I didn't have to lose
weight, have my nose broken, or go in drag
7
Another true story. I was in Memphis last November, when
they were filming the TV re-creation of Elvis' early days.
We asked the crew if they'd move for our motorcade. City of
Memphis decided to re-route me. Elvis lives.
You've all heard about Dick Cheney and Bill Webster fighting
over how peaceful the world is. Well, the two of them were out
fishing last summer. Storm came up. Sank their boat. They're
floundering around, and Bill says, "Dick, don't tell my guys at
the CIA about this, but I can't swim!" And Dick says, "Bill,
your secret's safe with me. I'd hate to have my men find out I
can't walk on water."
Sure, the Stealth Bomber's expensive. High tech, big bucks.
First of all we've got to sew parachutes for all those
caterpillars
We're trying to keep the White House scandal-free. But
everybody slips now and then. Dick Darman's seeing some
questionable woman named Rosie Scenario.
8
When you're bald in the front, it means you're a thinker.
And when you're bald in the back it means you're sexy. When
you're bald in the front and back, it means you just think you're
sexy. But really, Marlin, before press conferences, it must be
nice only having to straighten your tie
[ Foley/ Rosty, liquid diets
]
Last year
went into a clothing store and said "I'd like to see a bathing
suit in my size." The clerk said, "So would I." I won't pick on
his wardrobe, but the bathing suit he wore in Palm Springs has a
big hole in the knee.
Some say that 1989 was the triumph of conservative
philosophy. It was also the year when Susan Sarandon -- true
story -- heard she made George Will's list of what he'd like to
take to another planet. She said, "I'm flattered, and glad to
learn that the rest of Mr. Will's body is not as conservative as
his brain."
DOUG GAMBLE
Lange
424 . 36th Place
Manhattan Beach, CA 90266
March 13/90
(213) 546-6409
TO: KRISTEN GEAR
5 Pages
GRIDIRON DINNER (Mark Lange)
I HAVEN'T SEEN PEOPLE THIS WELL DRESSED SINCE I WAS IN CALIFORNIA A FEW WEEKS
AGO, AND THE ANNENBERGS HELD A GARAGE SALE.
THIS LOOKS LIKE THE KIND OF AUDIENCE WHERE NO ONE WILL COME UP TO ME AND
COMPLAIN ABOUT POSTAGE GOING UP TO 30 CENTS.
WHEN I TOLD BARBARA WE'D BE SPENDING TONIGHT AT THE HOTEL WHERE ALL THE ACTION
IS, SHE THOUGHT I MEANT THE VISTA.
BARBARA WAS A SENSATION HERE LAST YEAR WHEN SHE SHOWED UP WEARING A RED WIG.
1 GAVE HER AN IDEA HOW SHE COULD TOP HERSELF THIS YEAR, BUT SHE REFUSED TO
DRESS UP AS MARLA MAPLES.
I'VE BEEN HEARING THE CRITICISM OF SOME DEMOCRATS AND SOME IN THE MEDIA ABOUT
SO-CALLED TIMIDITY, LACK OF VISION, A LOW PROFILE AND UNINSPIRING SPEECHES.
WELL I'M NOT CONCERNED. I'M SURE MY FRIEND TOM FOLEY WILL IMPROVE.
(He's the Democratic speaker.)
MORE
- 2 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: KRISTEN GEAR - GRIDIRON (CONT'D)
DESPITE THE CHARGES THAT I HAVE A THIN SKIN, I ENJOY BEING LAMPOONED BY
THE WASHINGTON PRESS CORPS. SOMETIMES KNOWN AS THE "DIGNITY BATALLION."
I'VE HEARD CRITICISM THAT I'M OBSESSED WITH PUBLIC OPINION POLLS. THE FACT
IS, I DON'T THINK POLLS SERVE ANY USEFUL PURPOSE AT ALL -- AND 67% OF THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE AGREE WITH ME.
SURE, BARBARA AND I REGISTER HIGH IN THE POPULARITY POLLS, BUT I WON'T REST
UNTIL 100% OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ARE BEHIND THE BUSHES.
THERE ARE SOME WHO SAY I'M SECRETIVE. WELL I HAVE AN ANSWER FOR THAT, BUT
I CAN'T TELL YOU BECAUSE IT MIGHT LEAK OUTSIDE THIS ROOM.
SOME IN THE MEDIA THINK I'M DEVIOUS. WELL I'LL FOOL THEM.
SOME ACCUSE ME OF BEING TOO CAUTIOUS. I'LL RESPOND TO THAT AFTER I'VE
CONSIDERED ALL SIDES OF THE QUESTION.
SOME SAY I'M TOO TIMID. I'D LIKE TO END THAT PERCEPTION RIGHT HERE AND NOW,
BUT I'M AFRAID OF THE REPERCUSSIONS.
I'D LIKE TO REPORT TO YOU ON THE VISION THING. FOR A FEW MINUTES LAST NIGHT I
THOUGHT I HAD A VISION, BUT IT TURNED OUT TO BE INDIGESTION.
MORE...
- 3 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: KRISTEN GEAR : - GRIDIRON (CONT'D)
IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT I 00 HAVE A VISION. I SEE AN AMERICA WHERE REPORTERS
WON'T CRITICIZE ME ONCE I'VE HAD THEM OVER FOR DINNER.
I WANT TO THANK AT&T FOR THEIR OFFER, BUT I'VE DECIDED NOT TO APPEAR WITH
RAFSANJANI IN A "REACH OUT AND TOUCH SOMEONE" COMMERCIAL.
I'VE TAKEN A LOT OF KIDDING ABOUT THAT HOAX PHONE CALL, so I JUST WANT TO MAKE
IT CLEAR THAT THE GUY WHO CALLED WAS RAFSANJANI. UNFORTUNATELY IRVING
RAFSANJANI, A TOLEDO PIPE-FITTER.
WE GOT BACK AT IRAN: RICH LITTLE PHONED RAFSANJANI PRETENDING TO BE ME.
i'LL TAKE A PHONE CALL FROM ANY ADVERSARY I'M HAVING PROBLEMS WITH, IF THERE'S
A CHANCE TO IRON OUT OUR DIFFERENCES. BUT FOR FUTURE REFERENCE MY MESSAGE TO
MY STAFF IS: DAMMIT, IF IT SOUNDS LIKE GREENSPAN, MAKE SURE IT IS GREENSPAN.
I DON'T MIND MY FOREIGN POLICY BEING CRITICIZED, AS LONG AS THE CRITICS ARE
KNOWLEDGABLE ABOUT WORLD AFFAIRS. I ASKED (A DEMOCRAT) WHAT HE THOUGHT ABOUT
REUNIFICATION, AND HE SAID "MAYBE THE TRUMPS WILL GET BACK TOGETHER."
EVENTS MOVE SO QUICKLY THESE DAYS, IT'S MIND-BOGGLING. IT'S so WONDERFUL TO
Just labat
SEE FREE SPEECH RESTORED TO THE SOVIET UNION, to EASTERN EUROPE. ANDY ROONEY.
MORE
- 4 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: KRISTEN GEAR - GRIDIRON (CONT'D)
ON THE WAY IN I PASSED BY A GUY WHO'S ON A HUNGER STRIKE UNTIL THE GOVERNMENT
DCES MORE ABOUT AID TO THE IMPOVERISHED. I STOPPED AND SAID "LOOK, I HATE
TO SEE YOU SUFFER LIKE THIS CONGRESSMAN GEPHARDT, BUT WE'RE NOT SENDING AID.
TO THE SOVIETS."
I TOLD JOHN SUNUNU I WAS NEVER so INSPIRED AS I WAS A FEW WEEKS AGO WHEN A
BRAVE, FORMERLY PERSECUTED LEADER VISITED CAPITOL HILL, MADE A SPEECH AND
HAD CONGRESSMEN EATING OUT OF HIS HAND. JOHN SAID "YES, VACLAV HAVEL WAS
REMARKABLE." I SAID "I KNOW, BUT 1. MEAN RICHARD NIXON."
I THOUGHT PRESIDENT CARTER DID A GREAT JOB OBSERVING THE ELECTION IN NICARAGUA.
I UNDERSTAND HE ASKED FOR BODYGUARDS TO BE WITH HIM AT ALL TIMES, AND WAS TOLD
HE HAD NOTHING TO FEAR FROM EITHER THE CONTRAS OR SANDINISTAS. HE SAID "I KNOW,
BUT WHAT ABOUT KILLER RABBITS?"
I ASKED DICK CHENEY NOT TO BE TOO FUNNY TONIGHT so I WOULDN'T HAVE A TOUGH ACT
TO FOLLOW. DICK SAID "WHY ASK ME, TOM FOLEY WILL PROBABLY BE FUNNY TOO.'
-
SAID "I KNOW. BUT I CAN'T FIRE TOM FOLEY."
IT'S ONLY DUE TO FLUKE CIRCUMSTANCES THAT DICK CHENEY IS WHERE HE IS TODAY. WHEN
THE TOWER NOMINATION FELL THROUGH, I TOLD JOHN SUNUNU TO GET ME MY FAVORITE
POLITICIAN FROM WYOMING, AND JOHN DIDN'T REALIZE I MEANT AL SIMPSON.
DICK LEARNED A LITTLE ABOUT DEFENSE IN THE FORD ADMINISTRATION. HE USED TO PUT ON
COMBAT GEAR TO PLAY GOLF WITH JERRY.
MORE
- 5 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: KRISTEN GEAR - GRIDIRON (CONT'D)
DICK HAS TO WRESTLE WITH A VITAL ISSUE NEXT WEEK: WHETHER FEMALE CATERPILLARS
SHOULD BE ALLOWED IN COMBAT.
DICK DARMIN POINTED OUT A POSSIBLE FLAW IN MY PLAN TO DROP A MILLION
CATERPILLARS ON COLOMBIA. AFTER THEY'VE EATEN THE COCOA LEAVES, IS THE
AMERICAN TAXPAYER WILLING TO SEND THEM ALL TO THE BETTY FORD CENTER?
IF ANYONE THINKS WOMAN AREN'T VERY GOOD AT COMBAT, JUST PUT BARBARA BUSH
ALONE IN A ROOM WITH GEORGE WILL.
I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT REPORTS OF A FEUD BETWEEN JOHN SUNUNU AND BILL
REILLY ARE OVERBLOWN. NOT ONLY DO THEY GET ALONG FINE NOW, BUT JUST TO SHOW
THERE ARE NO HARD FEELINGS, JOHN GAVE BILL A GIFT OF A TICKET FOR A RIDE ON
A GREYHOUND BUS.
'90-03-13 15:14 DOUG GAMBLE
P.1
DOUG GAMBLE
424-36th Place
Manhattan Beach, CA 90266
March 13/90
(213) 546-6409
TO: KRISTEN GEAR
5 Pages
GRIDIRON DINNER (Mark Lange)
I HAVEN'T SEEN PEOPLE THIS WELL DRESSED SINCE I WAS IN CALIFORNIA A FEW WEEKS
AGO, AND THE ANNENBERGS HELD A GARAGE SALE.
THIS LOOKS LIKE THE KIND OF AUDIENCE WHERE NO ONE WILL COME UP TO ME AND
COMPLAIN ABOUT POSTAGE GOING UP TO 30 CENTS.
WHEN I TOLD BARBARA WE'D BE SPENDING TONIGHT AT THE HOTEL WHERE ALL THE ACTION
IS, SHE THOUGHT I MEANT THE VISTA.
BARBARA WAS A SENSATION HERE LAST YEAR WHEN SHE SHOWED UP WEARING A RED WIG.
I GAVE HER AN IDEA HOW SHE COULD TOP HERSELF THIS YEAR, BUT SHE REFUSED TO
DRESS UP AS MARLA MAPLES.
I'VE BEEN HEARING THE CRITICISM OF SOME DEMOCRATS AND SOME IN THE MEDIA ABOUT
SO-CALLED TIMIDITY, LACK OF VISION, A LOW PROFILE AND UNINSPIRING SPEECHES.
WELL I'M NOT CONCERNED. I'M SURE MY FRIEND TOM FOLEY WILL IMPROVE.
(He's the Democratic speaker.)
MORE
'90-03-13 15:14 DOUG GAMBLE
P.2
- 2 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: KRISTEN GEAR - GRIDIRON (CONT'D)
DESPITE THE CHARGES THAT I HAVE A THIN SKIN, I ENJOY BEING LAMPOONED BY
THE WASHINGTON PRESS CORPS. SOMETIMES KNOWN AS THE "DIGNITY BATALLION."
I'VE HEARD CRITICISM THAT I'M OBSESSED WITH PUBLIC OPINION POLLS. THE FACT
IS, I DON'T THINK POLLS SERVE ANY USEFUL PURPOSE AT ALL -- AND 67% OF THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE AGREE WITH ME.
SURE, BARBARA AND I REGISTER HIGH IN THE POPULARITY POLLS, BUT I WON'T REST
UNTIL 100% OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ARE BEHIND THE BUSHES.
THERE ARE SOME WHO SAY I'M SECRETIVE. WELL I HAVE AN ANSWER FOR THAT, BUT
I CAN'T TELL YOU BECAUSE IT MIGHT LEAK OUTSIDE THIS ROOM.
SOME IN THE MEDIA THINK I'M DEVIOUS. WELL I'LL FOOL THEM.
SOME ACCUSE ME OF BEING TOO CAUTIOUS. I'LL RESPOND TO THAT AFTER I'VE
CONSIDERED ALL SIDES OF THE QUESTION.
SOME SAY I'M TOO TIMID. I'D LIKE TO END THAT PERCEPTION RIGHT HERE AND NOW,
BUT I'M AFRAID OF THE REPERCUSSIONS.
I'D LIKE TO REPORT TO YOU ON THE VISION THING. FOR A FEW MINUTES LAST NIGHT I
THOUGHT I HAD A VISION, BUT IT TURNED OUT TO BE INDIGESTION.
MORE
'90-03-13 15:15 DOUG GAMBLE
P.3
- 3 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: KRISTEN GEAR - GRIDIRON (CONT'D)
IT JUST so HAPPENS THAT I DO HAVE A VISION. I SEE AN AMERICA WHERE REPORTERS
WON'T CRITICIZE ME ONCE I'VE HAD THEM OVER FOR DINNER.
I WANT TO THANK AT&T FOR THEIR OFFER, BUT I'VE DECIDED NOT TO APPEAR WITH
RAFSANJANI IN A "REACH OUT AND TOUCH SOMEONE" COMMERCIAL.
I'VE TAKEN A LOT OF KIDDING ABOUT THAT HOAX PHONE CALL, so I JUST WANT TO MAKE
IT CLEAR THAT THE GUY WHO CALLED WAS RAFSANJANI. UNFORTUNATELY - IRVING
RAFSANJANI, A TOLEDO PIPE-FITTER.
WE GOT BACK AT IRAN. RICH LITTLE PHONED RAFSANJANI PRETENDING TO BE ME.
I'LL TAKE A PHONE CALL FROM ANY ADVERSARY I'M HAVING PROBLEMS WITH, IF THERE'S
A CHANCE TO IRON OUT OUR DIFFERENCES. BUT FOR FUTURE REFERENCE MY MESSAGE TO
MY STAFF IS: DAMMIT, IF IT SOUNDS LIKE GREENSPAN, MAKE SURE IT IS GREENSPAN."
I DON'T MIND MY FOREIGN POLICY BEING CRITICIZED, AS LONG AS THE CRITICS ARE
KNOWLEDGABLE ABOUT WORLD AFFAIRS. I ASKED (A DEMOCRAT) WHAT HE THOUGHT ABOUT
REUNIFICATION, AND HE SAID "MAYBE THE TRUMPS WILL GET BACK TOGETHER."
EVENTS MOVE so QUICKLY THESE DAYS, IT'S MIND-BOGGLING. IT'S so WONDERFUL TO
SEE FREE SPEECH RESTORED TO THE SOVIET UNION, TO EASTERN EUROPE, TO ANDY ROONEY.
MORE...
'90-03-13 15:15 DOUG GAMBLE
P.4
- 4 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: KRISTEN GEAR - GRIDIRON (CONT'D)
ON THE WAY IN I PASSED BY A GUY WHO'S ON A HUNGER STRIKE UNTIL THE GOVERNMENT
DOES MORE ABOUT AID TO THE IMPOVERISHED. I STOPPED AND SAID "LOOK, I HATE
TO SEE YOU SUFFER LIKE THIS CONGRESSMAN GEPHARDT, BUT WE'RE NOT SENDING AID.
TO THE SOVIETS."
I TOLD JOHN SUNUNU I WAS NEVER so INSPIRED AS I WAS A FEW WEEKS AGO WHEN A
BRAVE, FORMERLY PERSECUTED LEADER VISITED CAPITOL HILL, MADE A SPEECH AND
HAD CONGRESSMEN EATING OUT OF HIS HAND. JOHN SAID "YES, VACLAV HAVEL WAS
REMARKABLE." I SAID "I KNOW, BUT I MEAN RICHARD NIXON."
I THOUGHT PRESIDENT CARTER DID A GREAT JOB OBSERVING THE ELECTION IN NICARAGUA.
I UNDERSTAND HE ASKED FOR BODYGUARDS TO BE WITH HIM AT ALL TIMES, AND WAS TOLD
HE HAD NOTHING TO FEAR FROM EITHER THE CONTRAS OR SANDINISTAS. HE SAID "I KNOW,
BUT WHAT ABOUT KILLER RABBITS?"
I ASKED DICK CHENEY NOT TO BE TOO FUNNY TONIGHT so I WOULDN'T HAVE A TOUGH ACT
TO FOLLOW. DICK SAID "WHY ASK ME, TOM FOLEY WILL PROBABLY BE FUNNY TOO." I
SAID "I KNOW, BUT I CAN'T FIRE TOM FOLEY."
IT'S ONLY DUE TO FLUKE CIRCUMSTANCES THAT DICK CHENEY IS WHERE HE IS TODAY. WHEN
THE TOWER NOMINATION FELL THROUGH, I TOLD JOHN SUNUNU TO GET ME MY FAVORITE
POLITICIAN FROM WYOMING, AND JOHN DIDN'T REALIZE I MEANT AL SIMPSON.
DICK LEARNED A LITTLE ABOUT DEFENSE IN THE FORD ADMINISTRATION. HE USED TO PUT ON
COMBAT GEAR TO PLAY GOLF WITH JERRY.
MORE
'90-03-13 15:16 DOUG GAMBLE
P.5
- 5 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: KRISTEN GEAR - GRIDIRON (CONT'D)
DICK HAS TO WRESTLE WITH A VITAL ISSUE NEXT WEEK: WHETHER FEMALE CATERPILLARS
SHOULD BE ALLOWED IN COMBAT.
DICK DARMIN POINTED OUT A POSSIBLE FLAW IN MY PLAN TO DROP A MILLION
CATERPILLARS ON COLOMBIA. AFTER THEY'VE EATEN THE COCOA LEAVES, is THE
AMERICAN TAXPAYER WILLING TO SEND THEM ALL TO THE BETTY FORD CENTER?
IF ANYONE THINKS WOMAN AREN'T VERY GOOD AT COMBAT, JUST PUT BARBARA BUSH
ALONE IN A ROOM WITH GEORGE WILL.
I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT REPORTS OF A FEUD BETWEEN JOHN SUNUNU AND BILL
REILLY ARE OVERBLOWN. NOT ONLY DO THEY GET ALONG FINE NOW, BUT JUST TO SHOW
THERE ARE NO HARD FEELINGS, JOHN GAVE BILL A GIFT OF A TICKET FOR A RIDE ON
A GREYHOUND BUS.