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Gridiron Club Dinner 4/1/90 [OA 6895] [4]
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Gridiron Club Dinner 4/1/90 [OA 6895] [4]
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administrative marker by the George Bush Presidential
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Record Group/Collection:
George H.W. Bush Presidential Records
Collection/Office of Origin:
Speechwriting, White House Office of
Series:
Speech File Backup Files
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Chron File, 1989-1993
OA/ID Number:
13711
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13711-002
Folder Title:
Gridiron Club Dinner 4/1/90 [OA 6895] [4]
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30TH STORY of Level 1 printed in FULL format.
Copyright (c) 1978 The Washington Post
March 13, 1978, Monday, Final Edition
SECTION: Style; B1
LENGTH: 1200 words
HEADLINE: A Who's Who Soft-Shoe Revue;
Ribbing, Jabbing and A Presidential Jitterbug
BYLINE: By Donnie Radcliffe By Donnie Radcliffe
BODY:
The tune was "Sweet Georgia Brown" but if nobody recognized the words, at
least the dancers looked familiar. Appropriately, both were Georgians even if
the name wasn't Brown.
Try Carter, Jimmy and Rosalynn, Saturday night at the 93rd annual Gridiron
Club dinner.
They turned up in white tie, tails and sequins, jitterbugging on stage at the
Capitol Hilton to become first presidential couple to perform as a team before
the Gritiron, which started out in 1885 as a dining and drinking society of
working newspapermaen.
Nobody had been sure until almost the last minutw the Carters would join the
Gridiron's soft - shoe reyne. They had been concerned that they might be the
only dancers on stage, according to one sources privy to the negotiations. Thus
a contingency plan had been worked out, with several substituti dancers lined up
from among the 500 guests.
But while no one was aware of it, the Carters slipped away From their places
at the head table and went bacstage. They went public as a Gridiron member
impersonating Special Trade Representative Roberts S. Strauss started to sing:
"We've got hicks - now politics are no where around:
"Plain to me, they've claimed D. C. as their Georgia town.
"Two left feet they think are neat in their Georgia town.
"They stumblae and then
"They do it again
"
Except that the Carters, who have been jitterbugging snice the 1940s, didn't
stumble. "They were terriciv," said one Gridironer, "Great sports," said
another.
And it's always a night where you have to be a good sport. The evening's
skirts Lampooned:
The Republican Party as an endangered species off on a "big - name" hunt to
Panama to agenerate headlines,
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(c) 1976 The Washington Post, March 13, 1978
"No matter how the treaties may seem to go, sang a member impersonating
60Pexpedition leader Ronald Reagan, "we'll let the whole bloom - in country
know they gave the damn canal away and they'll pay next election day."
The Democrats as "the country's one remaining collection of natural
vaudevillians.
"Give 'Em an act with lots of pietry to cover any impropriety.
.A hoofer sans necktie dubbed Hamilton Jordan. Spread on the old southern
charm and it will dazzle 'em. It's bound her physical domensions, bust out of
all those staid conventions
Kansas Sen. Robert Dole, giving the response For the Republicans, was the
clear winner for laughs, according to high - placed Gridiron leaks.
Having read about a Forthcoming Whit House shake - up, Dole noted that Carter
hadn't yet arrived, and asked, "could it mean
HE looked down the head table to where the real Hamilton Jordan was seated.
Strauss, point man for the Democrats, said the club had thought about asking
President Carter to make the rebuttal speech for the Democrats but had turned to
him instead. A self - styled adviser of Carter's Strauss said has latest had
been how to solve the coal strike. His advice: Pardon Tony Boyle.
Jimmy Carter's Own solution, he revealed when it came his turn to address the
crowd, was to sell jets to both sides in the coal strike, miners and producers.
For 93 years we have been confusing Our guests by turning out the lights and
lecturing them in the dark," said Gridiron President Allan W. Cromley of The
Daily Oklahoman and Times, adding that for the first
Carter stunned some in the crowd - "ohhnhh," they reportedly murmured missed
Dole's speech, the was familiar government ranked right up there with the Uniter
Mine Workers' Arnold Miller, the president guipped.
Strauss had been a loyal supporter, Carter chided, ever since they had first
met at the national convention. Strauss had joined his campaign, he continued,
at a time when he was only Department translator to clarify his remarks.
But the ribbing and jabbing was in the tradition OF the Gridiron: good - na
- tured, bipartisan and all - pervasive
A Few years ago, official Washington seemed to be losing interest in the
annual dinner which had been a Washington institution since its beginning. The
problem arose From its exclusion of women members. The First woman member,
Helen Thomas, was sworn in in 1975, and Betty Ford, assisting, did a tango with
the clun's soft - shoe FEVUE. Since that time, interest has rekindled and this
year's crowd was a veritable the chief justice, cabinet officers, rowd was a
veritable Who's Who of American's movers and shakers, with a head table that
included the chief justice, cabinet officers, congressional leaders, severs]
foreigh ambassadors and members of Carter's own White House staff.
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(c) 1978 The Washington Post, March 13, 1978
Time there would be an expert State Department translator to clarify his
remarks.
"The Gridiron president carnally desires you - all," said sombody in a
phony polish accent.
There were some ovations (For Muriel Humphrey, the junior senator From
Minnesota, among others); some hisses (for "Prince of Darkness" Robert Novak,
one of Five new Gridiron initiates) and some surprises (Hamilton Jordan in
white tie and obviously enjoying himself despite earlier YOWS never to darken
gridiron's door).
Others in the crowed winning lampoons, courtesy of Gridiron, were
presidential assistant Zbigniew Brzezinski ("The only man who can muddle
American Foreing policy worse than Evans and Novak, our own polish joke" );
White House Press Secretary Jody Powell {"I whisper leaks to Reston and Kraft;
all I get in return is the shaft,' sings his impersonator) and Louisiana's Sen.
Russell Long ("meanest man in town")
Long, in Fact, loomed larger than life to at least one guest, who told how he
had always waited for the day when a southerner would take control of the
government. When he Finally arrived in Washington, Jimmy Carter continued, he
found that southerner had control but it wasn't he. It was Russell Long.
Among the 16 U.S. presidents who have attended Gridiron dinners, Richard
NIxon earned the distinction of being the first to entertaion the club. That
came in 1970 when he and then - Vice President Spiro Agnew played a pino duet.
And Franklin D. Roosevelt was the first to agitate for black tie. "Your
presidency will go down in history as the era when the President OF the United
States undetook to wear a black tie and dinner coat to a Gridiron Dinner - and
got away with it," Roosevelt wrote the club's president, George R. Holmes, in
1938.
Roosevelt never "got away with it." however, according to Harold Brayman in
his book "The President Speaks Off the Record. Holmes refused to give in.
But Roosevelt provided one of the most memorable moments at a Gridiron show
when he read blistering comments about the American press at one dinner. "There
are city editors who do not know what a symphony is or a streptococcus there
are reporters by the thousands who could not pass the entrance examination for
Harvard and Tuskegee, OF even Yale. It is this vast and militant ignorance,
this widespread and fathomless prejudice agains interlligience that makes
American journalism so pathetically Feeble and vulgar, and so generally
disreputable."
Then Roosevelt shoved off, laughing at his stunned audience after revealling
the source of his quotes. It was their hero: H. L. Mencken.
GRAPHIC: Picture i, Jimmy Carter; Robert Dile, Rosalyna Carter; Illustration,
illustration by John Heinly; Picture 2, Hamilton Jordan, Robert Strauss and Jody
Powell
MEMORANDUM
OF CALL
Previous editions usable
TO:
YOU WERE CALLED BY-
YOU WERE VISITED BY-
OF (Organization)
PLEASE PHONE
FTS
AUTOVON
WILL CALL AGAIN
IS WAITING TO SEE YOU
RETURNED YOUR CALL
WISHES AN APPOINTMENT
MESSAGE
212-791-9178
/
RECEIVED BY
DATE
TIME
63-110 NSN 7540-00-634-4018 STANDARD FORM 63 (Rev. 8-81)
* U.S. GPO: 1988 - - 201-759
Prescribed by GSA
FPMR (41 CFR) 101-11.6
THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON
TO: Ed McNally
FR: Bob Simon
S pages
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2ND STORY of Level 1 printed if FULL format.
Copyright (c) 1988 The NEW York Times Company;
The NEW York Times
March 28, 1988, Monday, Late City Final Edition
SECTION: Section A; Page 18, Column 1; National Desk
LENGTH: 1176 words
HEADLINE: Washington Talk: The Washington Press Corps;
Reagans Join in an Evening of Deflating the High and Mighty
BYLINE: By DAVID JOHNSTON, Special to the NEW York Times
DATELINE: WASHINGTON, March 27
BODY:
President Reagan's Farewell appearance at the Gridiron Club dinner
transformed the Washington press corps' annual tribal rite in
white-tie-and-tails into an evening likely to be remembered For its
sentimentality as much as for the purgency of its political one-liners.
Mr. Reagan has COME to every dinner since His election, compiling an
attendance record second only to Franklin Delano Roosevelt's. Unlike SOME of this
predecessors, MF. Reagan has actually appeared to enjoy the jokes made at
this expense.
At 103d annual banquet Saturday night, Mrs. Reagan's rendition of Thanks
for the Memory near the conclusion of the evening's entertainment caught the
emotional pitch of the event and drew a standing ovation. Her appearance came as
a long-planned surprise that had been one of Washington's worst-kept secrets.
Donald and Raisa
Mrs. Reagan WOFE its bright Fed ball gown as she sang her solo on the stage
of the Capital Hilton hotel. One verse referred to Donald T. Reagan, the
Former White House chief of staff, and Raisa Gorbachev, WIFE OF. the Soviet
leader, both of when are regarded as less than her favorites. Mrs. Reagan
orooned: Thanks For the memory OF all the times we had, The happy and the sad;
Looking back, Don Regan doesn't seem 50 bad. Thanks for the memory, The Soviet
Mona Lisa, Sometimes Known as Raisa, She said to FITE, Would you like to see My
MasterCard and Visa? She concluded: Oh, how the time does fly, Ronny's loved
these past eight years, And so, T confess, have I. Thank you, bye bye.
Mr. Reagan, sounding slightly hoarse, began his speech saying, Before I
refuse to take questions I have an opening statement. HE praised his wife's
performance as 'absolutely wonderful, and said, Raisa, top that!'
The club, with an active membership of 60 newspaper journalists, exists as
one of Washington's more idiosyneratic nongovernmental organizations. After more
than a century, it has achieved the status of a revered capital institution.
Guided by few written rules, the club is governed by an accretion of strictly
observed customs From the Fitual Speech in the Dark'' by the club's president
that opens the show to the final singing of Auld Lang Syne. The club's
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(c) 1988 The New York Times, March 28, 1968
only real purpose is the dinner at which club members and several hundred OF
their guests listen as some of the country's highest officials are satirized.
By tradition, the evening's speeches and off-the-cuff remarks are officially
off the record, but by another custom, the utterances are fair game for
reporting. Some politicians issue press releases to publicize their witticisms
and the club itself releases the lyrics of the evening's songs.
The club expressed its appreciation to the President with its Own version OF
Thanks for the Memory. One verse thanked Mr. Reagan for '^Ollie and Bill
Casey/ The diversions you Forgot.
In his speech, MF. Reagan aimed most OF his humor at himself. "I read in
the paper the other day that Dukakis was slipping, the said. 1/Big deal,
they've been saying that about #E For years.
He defended himself against criticism of avoiding the press. ''Well, you'd be
surprised at the Foreign leaders who've been calling me For advice, he said.
MAWho do they think has been giving Panama's President Delvalle those tips on
hiding out?''
Bedtime For Cabinet
MF. Reagan also commented Of his wife's highly publicized influence within
the Administration. "That pillow talk thing has gone too far,'' the said. Just
the other night I wake up to Find half the Cabinet in bed with ME. I wouldn't
have minded, but Otis Bowen's feet WETE like ice,' tie said, referring to the
Secretary of Health and Human Services. "Frank Carlucei kept stealing the
covers
Mr. Reagan offered a Few Presidential campaign jokes, including One
directed at Vice President Bush's efforts to bolster his image of strength.
WIF you're wondering why George Bush couldn't be here tonight, Mr. Reagan
said, AMAE actually tried to be here, but his 18-wheeler broke down on the
interstate.
Besides the Reagans, the dinner guests included Justices of the Supreme
Court, governors, senators, representatives, mayors, Cabinet officers, several
ambassadors and senior corporate executives.
The dinner menu duplicated the meal served at the White House when Mikhail S.
Gorbachev, the Soviet leader, was entertained there last December. The Fare
included Columbia River salmon, real and tea sorbet and was accompanied by
champagne.
Clowns and Politicians
As they do EVERY year, comically costumed club members belted out satirical
songs abetted by a few semiprofessional outsiders. Also according to custom, one
part OF the program poked Fitti at the Republicans, while another lampooned the
Democrats. A Republican, Senator Alan K. Simpson of Wyoming, gave one speech
while a Democrat, Governor Cuomo OF New York, gave another.
Mr. Simpson, whose father was Governor of Wyoming, told a story that the said
was One OF his Father's favorites. A Fancher was driving down a highway when
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(c) 1988 The NEW York Times, March 28, 1988
he was stopped by a highway patrolman For speeding. 'Haven't you got a governor
on that truck?'' the patrolman asked. "Nope," replied the rancher. ' ' That's
manure you smell.
Mr. Cuomo, who decided not to seek the Democratic Presidential nomination
this year, said the made up his mind late one night as the sat alone. THE Devil
appeared and told Mr. Cuomo HE could be President if HE would agree to First
forfeit his soul. 1180 I said, joked Mr. Cuomo, 'what's the catch?''
Mr. CUOINO also raised the topic OF possible Presidential pardons For John M.
Poindexter and Oliver L. North, the indicted former White House officials. He
suggested, ' Swap Poindexter and North For Noriega and a dictator to be named
later
During the club's show, a cast member portrayed Mr. Cuomo wearing a Foam
rubber suit in the shape of large pumpkin that was draped with a sash bearing
the Italian national colors. To the tune of "Santa Lucia, the character
kidded the Governor about his refusal to enter the Presidential face. 'There is
the Presidency, he sang. Some people love it. This son of Italy rises above
it. Lampooning Hart and Bakker Other songs lampooned other former and current
public Figures. Cast members playing Gary Hart and Jim Bakker, the television
evangelist, sang WIO All the Girls I've Loved Before Gov. Michael S. Dukakis
was represented as a Greek dancer; MF. Bush by a cast members singing a
takeoff of Michael Jackson's song 'ABad'' and Senator Bob Dole as the tragic
clown Pagliacci.
Mrs. Reagan's appearance was not her First. In 1982, she performed a
self-deprecatory version of Second Hand Rose' called Second Hand Clothes
The song was regarded as helpful in softening her image as an aloof First Lady.
Still, it may have been Mr. Reagan who delivered the best parting line of
the evening when he remarked OR how HE will be compared with Future Presidential
Gridiron guests, ''You're really going to miss ME 14 you have to sit through
eight years OF President Dukakis.
GRAPHIC: Photo of members of the Gridiron Club (NYT/Paul A. Souders)
ORGANIZATION: GRIDIRON CLUB
NAME: REAGAN, RONALD WILSON (PRES); REAGAN, RONALD WILSON (MRS); JOHNSTON,
DAVID
TITLE: WASHINGTON TALK PAGE (NYT)
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5TH STORY of Level 1 printed in FULL format.
Copyright (c) 1987 The Washington Post
April 27, 1987, Monday, Final Edition
SECTION: FIRST SECTION, PAGE A2; LOU CANNON
LENGTH: 739 words
HEADLINE: The Truth in Reagan's Humor
BYLINE: LOW CANNON
BODY:
Over the years, Ronald Reagan's self-deprecating sense OF humor has been a
shield and saving grace in moments of political and personal crisis.
Last month, Reagan wowed Washington at the Gridiron Club dinner with a
speech that poked -Fun at the Iran arms sales and his work habits. "It's true
that hard WORK never killed anybody, but I Figure why take the chance," Reagan
said.
Last week, he tried again at the White House Correspondents Association
dinner, referring to his forgetfulness about the arms deal by advising the
group's incoming president to "write down what you did" on Aug. 8.
Reagan understands that humor works best when the comedian is the butt of
his Own joke. HE once told #E that this was the secret of Jack Benny's
success, and Reagan has become adept at political application of this insight.
He knows that a self-deprecating joke touching a vulnerable point can
establish a common bond of humanity and soften a critical audience.
White House polls show that the public disbelieves Reagan's assertion that
the knew nothing of the diversion of funds from Iran arms sales to the Nicaraguan
contras. At the Gridiron dinner, the president quipped that the missing money
was diverted to the Southern Methodist University football team.
Self-directed humor is a thoroughly American characteristic. It is also an
art form, and Reagan's use of it is genuine and calculating. HE has been
telling such jokes since his radio days in Des Moines, and he polished his
routines in Hollywood and in speeches on what the used to call the "mashed potato
circuit."
Reagan's appearances before skeptical audiences may also have served the
therapeutic purpose of foreing him to deal with the reality of his diminished
credibility. He is comfortable when speaking out on the unpopular side of issues
that matter to him, as demonstrated by his consistent support for the contras.
He is willing to Fisk political defeats, as in his veto OF the highway bill. But
the president finds it painful to accept that millions of Americans who deeply
trusted him no longer take him at his word.
Telling jokes, many of them self-written, about the scandal has become
Reagan's way OF letting us know that he understands that many Americans now
see him in a different light. What the president is unable to admit in formal
speeches, he can confront when Faced with a performer's challenge OF drawing
laughs at his expense.
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(t) 1987 The Washington Post, April 27, 1987
When Reagan became a political FORCE in the 1960s, many suspected that his
best lines WEFE the products of gag writers. WE soon learned that Reagan,
however much help HE may have required On other matters, needed no assistance in
composing one-liners.
My discovery came early in Reagan's California governorship, when his
limousine was driven through hostile student demonstrators, one of whom thrust
his Face against the car and shouted, "WE are the Future." Reagan borrowed a
piece of paper and wrote a note that the held up to the window. "I'll sell my
bonds," it said.
The natural side OF Reagan's humor was demonstrated to the world when he
was shot in 4981 and joked on the operating table that the hoped that all of the
doctors were Republicans.
Reagan's calculated humor also paid dividends, especially in the 1988
campaign, when he was trying to demonstrate that he was neither too old nor too
dangerous to be president. His many cracks about his age and his Famous "there
you go again" retort while debating President Jimmy Carter were carefully
rehearsed lines designed to appear as spontaneous Flashes of wit.
Reagan depended on others to bring him up to speed on the substantive
issues, but he often wrote the one-liners himself, sprinkling them throughout
debates with Republican opponents and with Carter.
In the last Five months, the strain on Reagan has sometimes shown through
the script. One such moment came when the greeted members of the champion New
York Giants Football team at the White House. After referring to the team's
supporters as "GUT fans," Reagan added, with a wistful smile, "Your fans, I
should say. I don't have many Fans anymore."
It was a bleak and realistic assessment by a politician who has long
understood that in humor there is truth.
Reaganism of the Week: At the correspondents dinner Thursday, the president
said he and House Speaker Jim Wright (D-Tex.) "agree that there are three things
WE must do to balance the trade deficit. WE can't remember what they are."
TYPE: COLUMN
SUBJECT: UNITED STATES; PRESIDENT / CHIEF EXECUTIVE; WRITERS
NAME: RONALD REAGAN
ENHANCEMENT: HUMOR
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6TH STORY of Level 1 printed in FULL format.
Copyright (c) 1987 The Washington Post
April 1, 1987, Wednesday, Final Edition
SECTION: EDITORIAL; PAGE A23
LENGTH: 855 words
HEADLINE: The Night They All Laughed
BYLINE: David S. Broder
BODY:
This is the season For settling things. Monday night, television audiences
watched as the NCAA final settled the supremacy of men's college basketball and
the Academy Award ceremonies determined the best picture and best acting honors
for the year. And last Saturday night, official Washington came as close as it
ever does to settling scores with itself at the annual dinner of the Gridiron
Club, a group of newspaper reporters doubling as (very) amateur performers.
Settling scores is RO small thing, For in the world OF polities and
policy-making, few issues are EYEF really closed. AS former White House chief of
staff Donald Rums Reld has said, "The hardest thing to accomplish in Washington
is to get a subject off the agenda. Nobody EYET accepts an adverse decision as
Final; they just keep coming back." But a Fitual has evolved in recent years For
"settling" several important matters in a psychological sense that clearly
colors the later substantive decisions. It happens at the Gridiron Dinner,
where Washington reporters and their bosses -- editors and publishers -- share
Four hours of eating and entertainment with the people in government and
politics WE write about the other 364 days of the year.
The Gridiron Club has been around for 102 years. For the last 13 years ito
make my bias clear), I have enjoyed being DITE of its reporter-members. But it is
only in the last six years that those of us who dress up in silly costumes and
perform in satirical skits have begun to recognize the serious function this
annual dinner Fulfills, as a tension-breaker and score-settler in the political
life of this city. The reason for this change can DE stated in two words: Ronald
Reagan. AS Gridiron president James McCartney of Knight-Ridder Newspapers
said in welcoming the president to his seventh straight dinner last Saturday,
"We think you understand what WE'FE all about -- show biz
and that you
know, as WE do, that it 15 a precious thing that WE can kid each other and have
good Fun together." Not all presidents have understood the value of a laugh.
Lyndon Johnson, Richard Nixon and Jimmy Carter couldn't forget, even for a few
hours, that they really despised the journalists in the FOOM. The tension lent
an uncomfortable edginess to their femarks and even the blandest of our songs.
But Reagan grasped From the First that this was a made-to-order occasion For
celebrating the healthiness of the critical relationship that inevitably exists
between the press and the government -- and laughing away its ugly overtones of
personal antagonism. HE has captured it 50 well, in the graceful comments with
which he has ended the last seven Gridiron dinners, that almost every other
politician in town has got it straight. The key is the ability to laugh at
oneself, and Saturday's dinner showed just how effective that technique can be.
House Speaker Jim Wright (D-Texas), who suffers from a reputation for
self-righteousness, confessed that he and his party could be accused of
inconsistency. "For six years," the said, "we went around saying Ronald
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(c) 1987 The Washington Post, April 1, 1987
Reagan didn't know what was going On. And now, when he says the same thing
about himself, we say he's lying." Vice President George Bush, whose supposed
lack of backbone makes him the subject of continual Fidicule, laughed OFF his
greatest vulnerability by telling of a conversation the had with Reagan early
in the administration. "Will you support my policies, whatever they are?" the
president asked. "Oh, absolutely," Bush replied. "But my friends tell me you
have strong convictions OF your Own."
"Absolutely, MF. President," Bush said, "I have very strong convictions,
but I don't always agree with them."
Still, the master showman proved to be Reagan himself. That came as no
surprise, but it was particularly welcome to SEE him in top form after months in
which he had brought down a deluge OF criticism on his head For the Follies OF
the Iran policy and his painful procrastination in cleaning up the mess. On
Saturday night, Reagan took On each of his supposed weaknesses -- his age, his
memory, his distaste for hard work, his domination by his wife, his inattention
to detail -- and laughed them away with a joke On himself. If anyone thought
the was bent -- let alone broken -- by the troubles that have visited his
administration, he had a message: "Remember the Flap when 1 said, 'We begin
bombing in five minutes'? Remember when I fell asleep during my audience with
the pape? Remember Bitburg? Boy, those were the good old days."
And finally, after reciting the painful prostate procedures, the cancer
surgery and the assassimation attempt he has survived since coming to the
presidency, Reagan remarked with just the right tone of irony, "And I've never
Felt better in my life."
The wave of laughter and applause that swept the FOOM was more than
admiration for his grace and wit. It was everyone saying, "We remember too. And
we're glad.'
There will be time -- and need -- to revisit the issues OF the Reagan
presidency. But having one night to laugh together -- and having a president who
will lead the laughter -- really helps.
TYPE: OPINION EDITORIAL
SUBJECT: UNITED STATES; GOVERNMENT - PRESS RELATIONS; FEDERAL GOVERNMENT;
PRESIDENT / CHIEF EXECUTIVE
ORGANIZATION: GRIDIRON CLUB
NAME: RONALD REAGAN
ENHANCEMENT: SOCIALFUNCTION
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7TH STORY of Level 1 printed in FULL format.
Copyright (e) 1987 The NEW York Times Company;
The NEW York Times
March 30, 1987, Monday, Late City Final Edition
SECTION: Section A; Page 16, Column 5, National Desk
LENGTH: 937 words
HEADLINE: WASHINGTON TALK,
ROASTING REAGAN: GUESS WHO LAUGHED LAST
BYLINE: By JOYCE PURNICK
DATELINE: WASHINGTON, March 29
BODY:
He was, after all, the only real pro in the hall.
So it was no surprise that after listening to reporters roast tim and his
Administration OVER nearly Four hours, after watching them mug and cavort their
way through a respectful, 1f sometimes irreverent revue, Ronald Reagan took to
the microphone For seven minutes Saturday night and stole the show.
The event was the Gridiron Club dinner, the annual command performance for
Washington's powerful, would-be powerful and wish-they-were powerFul. The idea
is a one-night role reversal, a chance for the reporters, Government's
professional observers, to take center stage, EVER if it is a makeshift one in
the Capital Hilton.
But this time, the principal guest won the honors, taking refuge in
self-deprecatory numer that touched CH1 everything from his health to that great
mess OF his Administration, what has variously been called Iranscam, Irangate
and Iranamok.
With the Iran thing occupying everyone's attention, I was thinking, the
President said to the formally attired audience of 600 plus, ''do you remember
when I said bombing would begin in Five minutes? Remember when I Fell asleep
during my audience with the Pope? Remember Bitburg?'' Dramatic pause. Those
WEFE the good old days.
Made FOR the President'
On and On he went in the same vein, doing what any savvy politician should do
when in trouble, assertively take the defensive.
'This was made For the President,' George McBovern, the 1972 Democratic
Presidential candidate, said afterward, sort of shaking his head.
Vice President Bush, who also spoke, drew some head-shaking OF his own; to
put it kindly, the did not please his audience.
The President, with the help of his speechwriters, obviously chose to poke
fun at himself. He did 50 at least as pointedly as his journalistic critics. And
with a much better delivery.
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He talked about how his wife, Nancy, and his Former chief of staff, Donald T.
Regan, had tried to patch things up at a lunch for two - Mand their food
tasters. He joked about his REW strategy OF establishing \'relations with
moderates in the news media. And the revealed, in jest, that the missing flirGiney
From the Iran-contra affair had gone to the Southern Methodist University
football team.
When it came to the state OF his health, the 76-year-old President left
little to the imagination. ' Since 1 came to the White House I got two hearing
aids, a colon operation, skin cancer, a prostate operation and I was shot. HE
looked straight at his audience. The dam thing is, I've never felt better in
my life!''
The predominantly male crowd, an audience OF reporters, publishers and their
guests, foared.
Politics being an industry built OR words more than substance, some even
heralded those seven Presidential minutes as evidence of a Reagan resurgence.
''He's not been himself about responding to things in the last Five OF six
months, said David Gergen, Mr. Reagan's former director of communications,
now editor OF U.S. News & World Report. 'This is the First time I've seen it in
months.
The audience was not representative OF the general public since only those
invited by news organizations can come, and they tend to be insiders, creating a
roomful OF what the Gridiron president, James H. McCartney, a reporter with
Knight Ridder Inc., called an ' incredible assemblage of privilege and power
This year it was, as always, a varied crowd, ranging From members of Congress
and the Supreme Court to an assortment of Washington's 'high-placed political
sources.
Maureen Reagan was there, and saw herself parodied in the show by Helen
Thomas of United Press International singing My heart belongs to Daddy. Also
partaking OF the Five-course, three-wine meal WEFE Gen. William Westmoreland,
his lapel decorated with eight ribbons; the Voyager co-pilots Richard Rutan and
Jeana Yeager, and two Republican Presidential aspirants, Alexander M. Haig JF.
and Representative Jack F. Kemp, who, as the spotlight hit him, yanked his
glasses OFF.
The obvious hit of the reporters' part OF the evening was a boisterous
rendition of the Beach boys' old hit recording, Barbara Am. The words
Saturday night were -Arm AFm Arm, AFm Arm Iran.
Mr. Reagan laughed out lowd at that one, though the seemed to miss a number
of other lines. Mrs. Reagan laughed, too, and she also held onto a small smile
as she was portrayed in One skit as the powerful leader of an exercise workout
class.
Gridiron audiences are usually tough ones, and this year's was no
exception. At after-show parties, it was generally agreed not only that Mr.
Reagan's strategy worked but that the reporters were too gentle and that MF.
Bush failed. In fact, the was widely judged to have tombed.
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Whis was his opportunity to knock them dead and he didn't,' said Herb
Klein, a former White House communications director in the Nixon Administration,
now editor in chief OF Copley Newspapers Inc.
Some of the Vice President's jokes drew winces. One was about how, after the
and his wife, Barbara, read the stock market tables one night, FIE said to her,
'' Barbara, was it as good for you as it was for me?" The audience was not
appreciative. Neither, it appeared, was Mrs. Bush, in Full view up on the
platform.
The evening's groaners notwithstanding, the banquet was judged a modest
success, as it is most every year, maybe because its participants - politicians
and those who report on what they do - have more in common than they generally
admit.
A5 Mr. McCartney put it in his speech, "You understand, Mr. President, what
we're all about. Show biz.''
ORGANIZATION: GRIDIRON CLUB
NAME: PURNICK, JOYCE, REAGAN, RONALD WILSON (PRES)
TITLE: WASHINGTON TALK PAGE (NYT)
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8TH STORY of Level 1 printed in FULL format.
Copyright (0) 1987 The Washington Post
March 30, 1987, Monday, Final Edition
SECTION: STYLE; PAGE B1
LENGTH: 2971 words
HEADLINE: Reagan and The Gridiron's Good Sports;
VIP Watching and Verse With Sting At the Amual Roast of Spring
BYLINE: Jacqueline Trescott, Victoria Dawson, Washington Post Staff Writers
BODY:
It was inevitable.
After three hours of spoofs OF the events and explamations and reexplamations
of the Iran-contra affair, President Reagan got his turn at the mike at the
Gridiron Club's white-tie dinner.
"With the Iran thing occupying everyone's attention, I was thinking: Do you
remember the flap when I said, "We begin bombing in five minutes?' Remember when
I fell asleep during my audience with the pope? Remember Bitburg?
Boy, those
WETE the good old days."
The audience loved it.
This Reaganesque confession took place in the appropriately satirical
"off-the-record" setting of the annual Gridiron dinner Saturday night at the
Capital Hilton. The dinner is ORE OF Washington's most exclusive traditions,
hosted by a core of 68 journalists who invite their publishers, government
officials and other headliners to a lavish meal and satirical show. Working
reporters, however, are not allowed to attend.
And the president and Nancy Reagan were by all accounts good old sports
about the skits that lampooned the president's memory (or lack thereof), Nancy
Reagan's behind-the-scenes power plays, the activities OF Former White House
aides John Poindexter, Oliver North and Donald Regan and the contents of Swiss
bank accounts.
Reality, in Fact, gave the evening its best lines.
"You know, WE'VE been starting this dinner in the dark for 102 years,"
announced club president James McCartney OF Knight-Ridder during his
introductory "Speech in the Dark." "But WE never dreamed that the White House
would like the idea of keeping the president in the dark SO much that officials
would make it national policy
"Look at the cast OF characters," McCartney continued. "Oliver North. The
first lieutemant colonel in the history of the Marine Corps who believed that
the chain of command started at the bottom. And Donald Regan. Just when we were
starting to put our show together last December the described his job as White
House chief OF staff as comparable to a 'shovel brigade' cleaning up after a
circus. You could say that Don Regan provided the inspiration, if not, indeed,
the theme, For our show."
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And so the circus theme pervaded the evening, From the costume of ringmaster
David Broder of The Washington Post to papier-ma^che' circus animals decorating
the ballroom walls to the song "Be a Clown."
The facts just needed a little music.
To the tune of "Try to Remember," the impersonators of the Tower commission
trio sang:
Try to remember
The time in September
When you said, yes,
OF was it golly?
Did you dissemble
The truth last December
With Ollie
Ollie, 0111e, Gllie
Did you Forget it,
OF did Fawn Hall shred it,
Or maybe they hid it
In Lucky's collar. One of the evening's biggest hits was a spoof of
Poindexter sung to the 1960s Beach Boys hit "Barbara Aiti." The refrain went:
AFM, arm, arm, arm, arm Iran
Arm, arm, arm, arm, arm Iran. And some of the lyrics were:
The contras get the money
And Khashoggi gets the squeeze
Although it may seem zany
We'll send weapons to Khomeini
Arm Iran As traditions go, this particular spring rite OF Washington has held
onto its luster. And a standal and a president who enjoys the stage only
embellish its reputation. The vast availability of "original" material prompted
the Gridiron cast to break with tradition and divide the evening's program
into separate segments on domestic and Foreign policy instead of two acts, one
on Democrats and one on Republicans.
As guests milled around comparing the highlights, the reviews came in quickly
and enthusiastically. "I thought it was an excellent evening. Everybody was a
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star. The president POSE to the punches
It was truly a well-staged
production," offered retired general William Westmoreland.
"I shouldn't comment upon it," said Justice Antonin Scalia in typical
judicial manner. But atypically, Scalia stayed well into the after-parties. HE
said, "I was talking to Senator Moynihan and I said, I can't imagine it
happening in any other country
One of the virtues of the American republic
is that WE don't take ourselves too seriously. " AS he left, British Ambassador
Antony Acland concurred: "It was great fun, YETY unique, I am not sure we could
have anything like this in Britain."
Attending the dinner were: Secretary of State George Shultz, Secretary OF
Defense Caspar Weinberger, Chief Justice William Rehnquist, governors William
Donald Schaefer OF Maryland and Richard Celeste OF Ohio, presidential contenders
Jack Kearp and Alexander Haig, former contender George McGovern, almost contender
Patrick Buchanan, Maureen Reagan, Former Virginia governor Charles Robb,
former secretary of state William Rogers, Rep. Bob Michel, Sens. Strom Thurmond
and Sam Num, Former U.N. ambassador Jeane Kirkpatrick, retired judge John J.
Sirica, television correspondents Peter Jennings, Tom Brokaw and Diane Sawyer,
gossip columnist Liz Smith, advice columnists Ann Landers and Abigail Van Buren,
and Lyn Nofziger, Clark Clifford, Benjamin Hooks, Vernon Jordan and Roger
Stevens.
They dined on lobster, duckling strudel, medallions of veal with crabmeat and
something called "meringue circus tent."
In another tradition, giving the Democrats and Republicans equal time, Vice
President George Bush and House Speaker Jim Wright delivered short,
joke -Filled speeches.
The President's Best The post- Gridiron poll indicated the president was in
top form, according to many observers, who characterized his responses as
"fluent, at ease, good tempered."
First, there was McCartney's barb to answer. The Gridiron president had
said, "I've seen it reported that you're just a president of image and no
substance. But I understand that you often take home serious reports and
documents to read at night. And I'm told that you often pick up one of those
serious reports or documents to study -- during the commercials."
Reagan rose to the occasion. "You made a slight mistake. I read the papers
while the news 15 on. I watch the commercials."
The president's best lines, according to several guests, were:
"I'm afraid the scandal has become even more complicated regarding the
diversion of funds. Just today I learned who got the money from that Swiss bank
account -- the SMU football team."
"As if the independent counsel, a special review board and two congressional
committees weren't bad enough, there was my trip to Bethesda. I tell you, one
more probe and I've had it."
"Nancy and Don at one point tried to patch things up. They met privately over
lunch. Just the two of them and their food tasters."
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"I'm glad to SEE Howard [Baker] here tonight. He's a well-liked, nice,
low-key kind of guy. But let me tell you, the can be a dragon when tie gets his
hackles up. Course, Howard won't be running now, and the campaigns are starting
already. I heard one presidential candidate say that what this country needed
was a president For the '90s. I was set to Fun again. I thought he said a
president in this nineties."
"It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I Figure why take the chance."
The Bush Routine As Jody Powell, a former White House press secretary,
observed after the dinner: "Everyone hit on Bush. !!
"Elephants dance while George Bush walks the high wire," said the amouncer
in describing the attractions For the Gridiron "circus." Another line went:
"Here is Vice President Bush's campaign manager. He's teaching George to
swallow anything."
Since the office OF vice president is everyday grist For humorists, Bush
decided to dispense some advice to the Gridiron's vice president, columnist
Carl Rowan. First OF all, he counseled, a vice president has to establish his
Own independence. Said Bush, "The president took me aside and said, 'George, I
want to know if you will support ME on EVERY stand I take?' I said, OF course,
Mr. President.' "But your friends tell the you have strong opinions of your own.
Is that true?' I said, OF course it's true, Mr. President. I have opinions of
my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.
Later, at one post-dinner party, Rowan jokingly said Bush's Focus on him
had started a "pre-inauguration impeachment drive." Rowan is due to be the
Gridiron president next year.
Most OF Bush's remarks, said several attendees, fell Far below Reagan's
and Wright's on the chuckle counter. Addressing Attorney General Edwin Meese,
who wash't there, Bush said, that to Meese the three Rs are "reading, 'riting
and right in that jar, please."
The Wright Stuff House Speaker Jim Wright doesn't mind the ribbing about his
signature eyebrows, which stand like blond propellers above his glasses. "I like
to think OF them as dramatic," he said, stroking them.
But the strongly objected to reports that his joke about Fawn Hall and Sen.
Barbara Mikulski (D-Md.) was in bad taste.
For the record, the joke went: "It's good to see this White House is at
last getting some real class. I'm not talking about Howard Baker, I'm talking
about Fawn Hall. They offered her $ 500,000 to let them use her picture for a
centerfold and she turned them down. I really admire her For that and that ain't
no joke. or course she's not the only one. Barbara Mikulski turned them down
too."
Because of & Flap OVER a Femark by Sen. Pete Domenici (R-N.M.) about Mikulski
at the equally "off-the-record" Alfalfa Club dinner last month, several people
thought the joke was at least ill timed if not objectionable. The reaction at
the dimmer was described by one attendee as "some laughter, SDIVE clapping, some
hissing, some boos."
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Wright said yesterday he didn't hear any boos and was extremely annoyed at
the interpretation. "1 might guess that somebody might try to spread that. I
didn't say anything out of line. It is very disappointing to ME that someone
would seek to say something malicious about something that was WATER and well
intentioned. It was very warmly received. Anyone who Felt that was reading
something into it that isn't there."
Lobby Greetings Unaware OF the evening's gala, bewildered hotel guests
arrived loaded down with luggage. "What's going on?" several asked as they faced
a crowd OF almost 200 oglers (many OF them attending the National Science
Teachers Association convention), a line of hotel escorts and security personnel
and an assortment OF cameras.
Most Gridiron members and their guests knew better than to tarry in the
lobby. But Lynda Johnson Robb, who waited for ther husband, Charles Robb, met
with approval From one spectator.
"For example," he said confidently to his companion, "this woman looks very
well dressed." Robb was wearing a bright red gown embellished with Swirls of
gold glitter.
"Now that's tacky, ridiculous" was the verdict on a Gridiron -goer who had
unsuccessfully mixed evening wear with rainwear: White tie and tails and scruffy
brown rain hat.
"You can tell the importance of the person by the car he arrives in," the
VIP-watcher advised his silent companion.
Ann Landers, in a black-beaded gown, milled around the lobby For a while,
working the arrival crowd. When Jim and Sarah Brady appeared, she greeted them,
gave Jim Brady a kiss, and struck up a conversation with Sarah Brady about gun
control legislation.
"If there's anything I can do to help," Landers said.
"You have helped," Sarah Brady assured the advice columnist.
After Landers greeted Secretary of State George Shultz, she stepped behind
the crowd, to a less populated part of the lobby. Moments later, someone came up
to her and said,
"Beverly?"
"No," Landers said.
"Beverly?" The woman repeated again, as if there WEFE still hope.
"No." OFF went the hotel guest, disappointed.
Lobby Applause Meter As the illustrious guests arrived, the crowd registered
its recognition and approval with rounds of applause.
Shultz, who was limping slightly but moving right along with his wall OF
security guards, received loud applause. Right on his heels was Weinberger, also
enthusiastically greeted and smiling back at the crowd.
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Then Haig. Then Sam Donaldson. Then Pat Moynihan. And that gave the audience,
trained in political celebrity spotting by C-Span, a full for their money.
Headed toward the second-floor ballroom, Moynihan pivoted toward the crowd,
acknowledging their applause.
OF course, the Crowd was really waiting to get a look at President and Mrs.
Reagan. But they came in through a secure entrance, not subject to public
scrutiny. The closest the crowd got was to stare at a blue curtain On the second
floor landing, while the sounds of the Marine Band playing "Hail to the Chief"
filtered down to the lobby.
The Barbed Another year, another Gridiron, and still more Sam Donaldson
jokes.
The president said of the ABC correspondent: "I have to admit WE considered
making one final shipment to Iran, but no one could figure out how to get Sam
Donaldson in a crate."
The vice president said OF Donaldson: "He was toilet-trained at gun point."
Yesterday Donaldson said, "If I can help Bush DE funny I will have
accomplished something near impossible." HE added he was not offended at being
the object of their jokes and EYEN considered it "an honor.'
Another target OF the humor was Edmund Muskie, Former secretary OF state and
member of the Tower commission. Before the show, the seemed resigned to the fate,
saying, "Maybe I am already a caricature without any effort." A Muskie character
found its way into the evening's skits, dressed in a beige morning suit, a
member OF the singing Tower Commission Trio. Crooning out the Iranized lyries to
"Try to Remember, the Muskie impersonator lapsed into a bout of tears.
The reference was to an incident 15 years ago, when Muskie broke down three
times defending his wife OVER an unflattering newspaper article, wounding his
OWF presidential campaign.
"I've gotten used to it," Muskie said later, at a post-roast reception. "It
wasn't a joke at the time. It made a difference then and it hurt. But you
can't hang on to hurts. It did make a difference at the time -- maybe I would
have won.
But the bright side to that episode, especially looking at it these days, is,
as Muskie observed, "Think of all the problems I've been saved."
Not left out of target range was Jack Kemp. On stage Jack Germond of the
Baltimore Evening Sun was speaking to columnist Robert Novak, "People tell mE,
Novak, that you're running Kemp's campaign." Replied Novak, "Not true. He's
messing it up all by himself." Later, a song said, "Jack Kemp played ball,
scrambled his brain."
In one skit that looked at the 1988 lineup as a beauty pageant, to the tune
of "The Way You Look Tonight," a Haig impersonator wore a red-and-white-striped
outfit adorned with military gear. "Al Haig's so pretty, 'specially when he's
mad," sang the chorus.
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Haig said he enjoyed the tease. "It was an improvement on the real thing.
Much better than I would have been. They used much shorter sentences," said
Haig.
As expected, Shultz's tiger tattoo didn't escape Gridiron notice. To the
tune of "Honey Bun," a would-be "Shultz" dressed in a beige body suit festooned
with tattoo, including a strategically located tiger, sang:
Two hundred and one
Pounds OF Fun
That's OUT little Tiger Bun.
Maureen Reagan, said UPI's Helen Thomas, laughed at the venerable
reporter's parody of the first daughter in a baby blue pinafore, singing "My
Heart Belongs to Daddy."
Thomas as "Maureen" sang:
Each day I SCOFF at Fahrenkopf
And this '86 handicapping
My Dad will choose the ONE who can't lose
Just as 500n as he's done napping. Nancy Reagan, several people said,
laughed heartily.
When it was the First lady's turn to be spotlighted in a "Nancy Reagan's
Workout Tape," set to the beat of a rap song, observers said the audience was SO
busy watching her reaction that they missed parts OF the skit and it didn't go
OYET as well as it might have. Some Lines:
It happened in '80
I got a grip
Dispatched John Sears
With a gentle flip
Pull in your tummy
Arms above
I dispatched Al Haig
With barely a shove
One, two
With an itzy little Finger
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I did the same
To Lyn Nofziger
And with Don Regan
I was pushed to the max
We even had to do
The jumping jacks
In easing him out
And finally fired
I worked up a sweat
Really perspired! The Missing Barbed Gary Hart, the Democratic Front-runner
for the 1988 presidential bid, was verbally roughed up for his views and
statements. Said George Bush, "There's Gary Hart. Some say he's had no
experience in foreign affairs. Not true. Just yesterday the had breakfast at the
International House of Pancakes."
In the skit, Hart was satirized with:
I'm wild again, beguiled again
A middle-aged flowering child again
Bewitched, boring and bewild'ring, that's me
They say I all a cryptogram
But this time 1'11 know just how old I am
Four years older than the last time, I'll be. And not to be left out, Ollie
North was Feted by the chorus to the tune OF "Hello, Dolly."
Hello, Ollie
Well, hello Ollie
It's so nice to have you here where you belong
You're looking swell, Ollie. "North" responded:
I'm no Nero, I'm a hero,
I did nothing wrong.
I Found these nice mullahs
Paying top dullahs,
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Read at line from Reagan's
Scripture now and then.
Piece OF cake, fellas
Just for Freedom's sake, fellas,
I would love to do it all again And the chorus sang:
On, no, Ollie,
Oh, no, no, Ollie,
That is not exactly what we had in mind.
So take the stand, Ollie
Tell the story of your glory
Coviring your behind. The Last Word Proving himself to be a strong believer
of Tip G'Neill's dictum that "all politics is local," humorist Art Buchwald said
the best joke OF the evening was this one: "Poor Mayor Barry. Washington lost
its bid to host the Democratic National Convention because Mayor Barry couldn't
guarantee to have the show cleared by August."
GRAPHIC: ILLUSTRATION, RICHARD THOMPSON FOR TWP
TYPE: FEATURE, PROFILE
ORGANIZATION: GRIDIRON CLUB
NAME: RONALD REAGAN; NANCY REAGAN; DONALD REGAN; OLIVER NORTH
ENHANCEMENT: SOCIALFUNCTION-QUOTE
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Copyright (c) 1987 The Washington Post
March 27, 1987, Friday, Final Edition
SECTION: STYLE; PAGE D1
LENGTH: 2574 words
HEADLINE: Washington's Hams on Wry;
The Ghostwriters Who Rev Up The Capital Humor Mill
BYLINE: Elizabeth Kastor, Washington Post Staff Writer
BODY:
The air is thick these days with jokes waiting to be. Ollie North. Jim and
Tammy Faye Bakker. Fawn Hall. The sultan of Brunei. Rarely have the people on
the podiums had such great material, which is convenient since Washington is now
in its silly season.
The ability to pull OFF a joke in Front of 1,000 people eating overcooked
chicken may be as important to a politician as the ability to understand the
budget -- this is the kind of Washington fact no one disputes. Between the
Alfalfa Club's dinner in early February and the Gridiron Club's dinner
tomorrow night COME the days of wine and roasts, with their steady stream of
jokes columnist Mark Shields describes as "not even inside the Beltway, but
inside Western Avenue."
And don't imagine the jokes spring Full blown From the heads OF those up
there on the stage. Behind them the Washington trumor machine chugs away, and men
in claustrophobic FOOMS craft one-liners they hope will prove politicians are as
fumily as real people.
"You know what they said about John 61enn when he did the Gridiron, !! says
Mark Russell. "It took more people to get him up on stage than it did to get hi#
to the moon.
The Men Behind the Curtain
"As I understand it, WE supplied Iran with our weapons and Iraq with our
intelligence. Iran got the better deal." -- Bob Orben
Most people, if left alone for several days, would be hard pressed to come up
with something resembling EYEN a bad joke. This is why God invented
ghostwriters.
"If I became a performer, 1 would not give my writers credit -- 1 would pay
them a pot of money, but I would not give them credit," says Bob Grben, who
makes a pot OF money selling his jokes to people who give him no credit. After
years of writing for Red Skelton and Jack Paar, Orben joined Gerald Ford's
speech-writing staff and wrote jokes For the chief of state to mangle. Now
Orben is the dean of Washington humor ghosts. In addition to writing for the
not-to-be-named politicians and others, he publishes Orben's Current Comedy, a
twice-monthly newsletter that promises aid to "speakers, emcees, toastmasters,
businessmen, educators, clergymen, public officials, community leaders, club
presidents, communicators." And desperate members of Congress.
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The publication Funs the occasional essay on subjects like "assessing your
audience" and "Why Humor?" and offers possible responses to "a needling
introduction," advice on how to react to the sound of breaking glass ("I think
Ed Meese just broke his specimen jar") and pages of jokes.
Issue 585, Vol. 30, No. 14, March 5, 1987: "Husbands don't listen to their
wives and they should. All last year Nancy Reagan told Ronnie to clean out the
basement and he didn't."
"The problem with a humor writer living in Washington is that you become
mesmerized by the thought that politics and the Washington Redskins is all the
country is interested in," says Orben. But most OF Washington's ghosts -- people
like Frank Mankiewicz, Mark Shields, Richard Drayne, Mark Russell, Art Buchwald
-- write almost entirely for Washington audiences. The White House basement and
football are just fine with them.
The First Rule of Official Humor
The ideal Washington joke would be about tomorrow's news.
"It cannot be too topical," says Mark Shields. "If you make references to
things that happened between the salad and the soup, it works. There is no one
dining out today on great Jim Watt stories. Donald Regan stories are gone."
Who now remembers throw weights? Case closed.
Humor, says Rep. Pat Schroeder (D-Colo.), who is known For her way with the
quip, is essential to prevent audiences from adopting the MEGO look (Hy Eyes
Glaze Over, for the uninitiated). Outside Washington, maybe. But here, getting
the joke is like knowing what all the acronyms stand for -- you've arrived in
the world of the insiders.
"There's a very clubby Feeling to those events, especially the Gridiron and
the Alfalfa," says Landon Parvin, a former White House speech writer who now
consults and wrote Don Regan's '86 Gridiron speech and Ronald Reagan's
recent television address on Iran. "A clubby feeling and a feeling of power."
That Was No Woman, That Was a Comedian
"I don't know if you've heard about the religious conversion at the White
House. It's Don Regan. HE's leaving to be a cardinal. For most of us it is a
relief to know we will now only have to Kiss his ring." -- Rep. Lynn Martin,
January 1986
When Lynn Martin (R-Ill.) told her Don Regan joke at last year's Salute to
Congress dinner, not only was she way ahead of the Regan- joke curve, she was
breaking a Washington stereotype that is broken over and over but never seems to
disappear. She, a woman, was fumily. If the professional comedy world has been
slow to accept many Female comedians, the amateur one has been even slower.
"I think women aren't invited to these things a lot," says Schroeder. "When
you do hear about one appearing, everyone goes, 'Oh my god, they can do it too!'
It still is basically a man's town. The line between humor and a dagger is kind
of thin, and it's a little tough for women to do the same kind of humor. If I
did Bob Dole humor, people would think I had blood on my teeth. People would
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think it was brutal. Women's humor has to be a bit more gentle."
"Women have had to be VETY serious to get to this place," says Martin. "It
wasn't a ho-ha-ho to Fun For Congress."
And not only the best performers, but the best writers are presumed to be
men.
"It's partly the old bonding," says Mankiewicz, "but it's also cultural.
Washington has traditionally been one of the most sexist parts of our society.
It's one big looker room."
The Joke That Died
I'm blessed with the talent of whipping the electorate to a Frenzy. Just
like the singer Tom Jones, women often throw their panties at the when i speak.
It happened again just yesterday. I just don't know what got into Senator
Mikulski." Sen. Pete Domenici, Alfalfa Club, February 1967
"I sort of Feel responsible For that because the senator Felt uncomfortable
about it from the beginning," says Landon Parvin. "i checked it out with lots of
Democrats and they said, 'It's Fine. She's got a great sense of humor. The
Barbara Mikulski panty joke was a joke that several of us urged Senator
Domenici to use because WE told him it would bring down the house. It did bring
down the house, but it also brought down the wrath of Mikulski. The only person
it really went wrong with was her -- the audience laughed and laughed.
"It was just sort of a fumny image. It wouldn't work with Senator Kassebaum
-- the visual isn't as Funny as short, Feisty Barbara Mikulski. I think she was
something of a poor sport on that one. I think what it means is the idea of the
Alfalfa as a place, an event, where you can do more, is dead. It was an
all-men's club, after all. Fritz Hollings told a joke about an erection --
that didn't get out. It was really about Reagan's foreign policy. That went
too far."
One Big Don't
"With all the caucuses and groups, we're not nearly as ethnic in our humor,"
says Shields. "There are no Pedro, Pat or Manny stories being told. You can make
Fun OF your own group, but you can't make Fun of anybody else's. The one group
you can make fun of is WASPs. They're fair game. You can do 'Guiche is their
idea of soul Food. You can do 'They tailgated during the War of 1812.' There is
no Episcopalian Anti-Defamation League. I've checked."
The Barrymores of Washington Humor
The Kennedy Family. Humor has become something of an obsession in the Kennedy
clan, which has spent two decades living up to John's reputation for wit.
"A Kennedy speech is always a great event because the Kennedys ask maybe a
hundred people for help," says Frank Mankiewicz, who has written jokes for 19
of the last 20 Gridiron dinners, and For his share of Kennedys. "Half the
city? They ask half the country. People get called off the stage in Las Vegas
for ideas."
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The Definition of an Iranian Moderate, You Ask? "What's an Iranian
moderate?
A graduate student who's Fun out OF ammunition." -- Mark Shields, Dec. 9
"What is the definition of a moderate Iranian? A moderate Iranian is one who
has run out of ammunition. !! -- AFt Buchwald, Dec. 9.
"What the hell is an Iranian moderate? Is it someone who takes hostages but
doesn't eat them?" -- Mark Russell, Jan. 22
Could Shields, Russell and Buchwald be reading from the same script? Could
they be one person? Have you ever seen all of them in the same FOOM together?
"When you've got a subject," insists Shields, "you're going to get the same
jokes. !!
So this was a case OF simultaneous spontaneous generation? Yes, Shields says,
this time, but the also admits to having done his share of stealing. " Jokes
have a copyright of about 12 hours."
"You will go to these Funny events and you will see people with a pad OF
paper and a pen, writing. If you did that in a show in Las Vegas," says Orben,
"some big person with a twisted nose would come up to you and Femove you From
the room."
Stealing, of course, cuts down OR the joke -writing Fees. It can also
deflect. A couple of years ago, when George Bush seemed to attend a funeral
FOR a Foreign head of state every other week, any number OF speakers described
the motto of the vice president's office as "You die, WE fly." After several
months OF this, Bush simply appropriated the joke and told it to an
appreciative audience, proving that the was a Great Guy Who Could Laugh at
Himself.
Don Regan, Funny Man
If anyone doubts the importance of humor in this city during the age of
Reagan, he need only consider the case of Donald Regan. One writer who helped
Regan with his Gridiron speech last year remembers testing the chief of
staff's sense of humor with a rather off-color joke about Donald Manes, the
public official at the center OF the Queens, N.Y., political scandal who killed
himself. "I've got to tell that to the old man!" Regan laughed.
During Regan's last days at the White House, it was reported he made a point
of greeting the president with a joke every morning. Regan associates
generally believed that Thomas Dawson, Regan's executive assistant, had
responsibility for providing the daily joke, but Dawson, who will soon take a
job as assistant to the private Don Regan, Finds such reports infuriating.
"That is a complete fabrication!" the says. "People were saying that there
were jokes at the 7 o'clock Oval Office meeting, and I just don't know if
that's true. In two years at the White House I gave MF. Regan one joke, and I
don't Know if he gave it to the president. I provided one joke -- actually I
don't even remember it. It was like someone had heard a joke and I tracked it
down. I have a sense of humor, but I never provided jokes. M
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Humor in the Era OF Oliver North
Political satirists around the country -- long used to lamenting the lack of
interest in political humar -- sense a thaw. Iranscam may have made skepticism
fashionable again, and Reagan's troubles removed the aura that surrounded him
for years.
But that's outside Washington. Here, even the relatively sedate Gridiron
has been reined in. Several lines in this year's show have been censored by club
members, and a joke about Maureen Reagan was reportedly cut because Nancy
Reagan, who is scheduled to attend, would not be pleased.
"I think you can't attack the president -- any president," says Mankiewicz.
"You can make fun of him, you can say, 'The president's been losing a lot of
sleep these afternoons, that kind of thing. But E don't think you can go too
far. I think the closer you get into the concentric rings of the White House,
the less you want to hack away at confidence. There's been a lot of writing
about whether the president's lost it -- i don't think you can get into that
with humor. !!
The Gridiron as Icon
"There they are -- See No Evil, Hear No Evil, and Evil.' -- Robert Dole,
about a photograph of former presidents Ford, Carter and Nixon
Every year when the Gridiron comes around, the journalists who belong to
the club and the politicians they invite to the white-tie dinner start talking
about how the evening's skits and humorous speeches show just how Free America
is -- the press can make jokes at the expense of political leaders,
irreverence is encouraged.
Irreverence, maybe. True comedy? Well
"I quite agree with Malcolm Muggeridge that all good humor is in bad taste,"
says Arthur Dudden, who is head of the department of history at Bryn Hawr
College and has been writing about American humor for more than 30 years. "By
its nature humor is anarchistic," Muggeridge added, "and it implies, when it
does not state, oriticism OF existing institutions, beliefs and Functionaries.
"Here they have a public opinion to shape," says Dudden. "A comedian doesn't
have that. A comedian has to destroy, gently or not."
At the Gridiron and other large, public events, the jokes are hardly
concerned with destruction. Mark Russell describes the Gridiron speeches as
"biting political compliments," and as a one-time comedian and local pundit
says, "When a joke fails in Washington, you have to make a public apology."
Along with a few other outsiders, New York free-lance writer Jamie Malanowski
was called on in 1984 to help write the script for a roast of Gary Hart. By the
time the Washington regulars had edited the draft (no Reagan jokes -- too
mean; no age or name-change jokes -- too touchy), little of Malanowski's roast
was left.
"The best humor is adversarial," says Malanowski, who now writes For the New
York humor magazine Spy. "It's done by people who are not in the process. in
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Washington, the humor that exists is not of that biting political, adversarial
kind. It's more poking fun at yourself. The object of the joke is inclusive --
the object is to include everyone in the room."
So, as the rest of the country laughs along with David Letterman's ironies,
the old one-liners continue to spew out OF the Washington humor machine.
"There is a whole new generation of humor, the whole
Letterman-quick-cut-'Miami Vice' style," says Mankiewicz, and adds that the new
generation has yet to arrive Gn the official circuit.
"I'll tell you one reason I think that's true -- WE don't have cable," he
says. "You have great comedians on cable all the time, plus cable has HTV and
that sets a style of quick shots and jumps and a whole style of color and dress.
That will COME to Washington one day. 1 would bet you political banquets,
roasts, fundraisers in Los Angeles are a lot different today than they WETE 10
years ago, but in Washington they're pretty much the same. You go to a
Gridiron dinner this year, and it could be the '70s or the '60s."
The Last Rule of Washington Humor
Self-deprecating is always best.
Nobody likes a smug politician. Jimmy Carter is roundly criticized by the
people who keep track of these things for aiming most of his best lines at the
press ("I'm not going to say anything terribly important tonight, 50 you can all
put away your crayons") rather than himself. Ronald Reagan, who even in his
times of troubles remains the king of Washington humor, knows about
self-deprecating. With volumes of jokes about his age, the beats any opponent,
and the audience's imagination, to the punch every time. And even in these times
of trouble, he will take to the microphone again at the Gridiron.
But with Oliver North jokes? No word yet.
GRAPHIC: ILLUSTRATION, DENNIS GORIS FOR TWP
TYPE: FEATURE
SUBJECT: DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA; WRITERS
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19TH STORY of Level 1 printed in FULL format.
Copyright (c) 1985 The Washington Post
March 25, 1985, Monday, Final Edition
SECTION: Style; C1
LENGTH: 1804 words
HEADLINE: Grilled on the Gridiron;
It was Baker Y. Ferraro, But Reagan Got The Rough Ride
BYLINE: By Lois Romano, Washington Post Staff Writer
KEYWORD: GRID
BODY:
From the overcrowded and smoke-filled Capital Hilton suites early yesterday
morning, word flowed that Treasury Secretary James Baker bested Geraldine
Ferraro at the Gridiron Club's annual off-the-record meltdown.
Word also flowed faster than the expensive scotch that two of President
Reagan's punch lines did not sit well with some of the guests, in fact
eliciting a chorus of groans followed by a deadening silence.
In speaking of the Farm issue, dinner guests said later, Reagan quipped, "I
think we should keep the grain and export the farmers."
The joke Fell Flatter than a bad wheat crop.
"I didn't think it was funny, and I didn't laugh," said Sen. Larry Pressler
(R-S.D.), who represents a key farm state, after the dinner.
Nebraska Democratic Gov. Robert Kerrey also appeared unhappy with the remark,
according to those sitting near him.
A Few minutes later, guests reported, Reagan talked about "rumors" that he
was seeing a therapist "three times a week," advising the audience not to worry.
Then he explained to the crowd that he just had a "problem" with pushing
buttons.
That one Fell Flat too, the guests said later.
The president's remarks became the prime topic of post-party chatter. fresh
in people's minds, perhaps, was Reagan's controversial joke about bombing
the Russians, made last August before one of his weekly radio addresses.
Yesterday the White House declined to comment, and would not reveal who wrote
the president's remarks.
But for Baker, the evening couldn't have been a better Forum for his comic
debut as more than 600 of the nation's powers and power lovers sandwiched into
the Capital Hilton's ballroom to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the media
club that has become synonymous with satire and exclusivity.
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The Gridiron Club dinner is an annual singeing of Washington officialdom by
the journalists who COVER it. The white-tie, six-course, six-hour event is also
the organization's sole reason for being. And lest the powers that be remain
defenseless, the club always invites a representative from each political party
to Face OFF.
Baker stole the show. Some of his best, From the usual reliable sources who
were inside:
* "Speaking of people 'low down on the list,' the vice president is here
tonight. But WE should all be proud of George Bush. George did SO well at the
First Soviet Funeral that they keep calling him back. In fact, his motto is 'You
die -- I fly.
*
"There are a lot of well-known people at the head table tonight. The
president is here, the chief justice is here, the secretary of state is here
[looks under the table and returns to mike] John Riggins is here?"
"1 really want to congratulate Gerry Ferraro. She's the only ex-politician
in town not working for Bob Gray."
* "The president called mE very excited the other night when he got back From
Canada. He'd heard about the bank holiday in Chio. He wanted to know if we all
got the day off."
Ferraro, too, got good reviews -- although her two joke writers couldn't
top Baker's eight. Joking about her controversial Diet Pepsi endorsement, she
quipped, "To tell you the truth, I really wanted to endorse diet Perrier, but
the Perrier people said George Bush or nobody."
Some other moments to remember:
*
White House deputy chief of staff Michael Deaver sat stone-faced during
five cutting references, scattered throughout the night, to his BMW acquisition.
*
Soviet Ambassador Anatoliy Dobrynin did not show up, leaving his chair next
to Ferraro empty.
*
"I got some good news From Geneva," Reagan told his audience. !! 'Nancy,
your watch is ready. " And then, after describing the tedium of his job, the
president said that to break the monotony, "every Few days, I call CBS and ask
for Jesse Helms."
* The club's skit about military procurement brought down the house when a
gaggle of journalists showed up Gn stage in cone-head costumes with
gold-glittered toilet seats hanging From their necks. To the tune of "I Found a
Million Dollar Baby in a Five-and-Ten-Cent Store," they sang:
WE buy our toilet seats at TiF-ny's
We drive Mercedes by the score,
They Found a million-dollar hammer
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In a Five-and-ten cent store.
* John Zaccaro and Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day Connor sat eyeball to
eyeball, engaging in animated conversation all evening.
* Retired general William C. Westmoreland got more applause than Walter
Cronkite.
* One crisis OF the night For guests was whether to eat the silver "paper"
that covered the cold consomme'. It was edible, but it nonetheless caused some
confusion.
It should also be noted that the menu was changed From hot soup to cold soup
on Thursday when, according to a Hilton spokesman, the hotel was notified that
the president wanted to be back at the White House by midnight. Having the
consomme' on the table shortened the program a full 20 minutes.
* Actor Robert Duvall was on hand For his third Gridiron dinner. His
favorite, the said, was the one the attended 13 years ago when Sen. Barry
Goldwater (R-Ariz.) Faced off with Hubert Humphrey.
Over the past century, the 60-member club of longtime Washington journalists
has lampooned EVERY president, developing a sophisticated routine of skits,
songs and jokes aimed at tweaking the establishment. This year the club
performed a history of songs From the past 100 dinners, like the one teasing
William Howard Taft for his large appetite:
Sound the good old dinner horn, we'll sing another song
About the trip that Taft once made when with digestion strong,
He ate his share of everything that they would bring along,
AS the went eating through Georgia.
The working press is never invited to the dinner, and the editors, reporters.
and publishers who are guests are expected not to report on it. Still, "off the
record" has COME to have no value at this dinner. Everything comes out
eventually.
Though a merry time is had by all, critics of the dinner use it to spotlight
the oftentimes incestuous relationship between the media and its sources.
Saturday night, they dined on trout and lamb and boasted a guest list that
included President and Mrs. Reagan, Vice President and Mrs. Bush, Secretary
of State George Shultz, Defense Secretary Caspar Weinberger, Chief Justice
Warren Burger and four associate justices, Chrysler Chairman Lee Iacocca, the
Rev. Jesse Jackson, Feminist Betty Friedan, Olympic 6old Medal winner Edwin
Moses, Mayor Marion Barry, Sen. Gary Hart (D-Colo.) and Rep. Jack Kemp (R-N.Y.).
In introducing SOME of the guests, EMCEE Lucien Warren of the Frederick
News-Post started off the night sniping. Take these examples:
On Lee lacocca: "General Motors and Ford Motor Company are worried about the
new seat belt safety rules. But Chrysler doesn't have to worry about it. They
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already have their own air bag.'
On White House counsel Fred Fielding: "The ethical arbitrator of the White
House, who learned everything the knows from the Nixon White House. HE never met
a man he would indict."
To respond to the Gridiron's roasting, Ferraro made her First major
Washington appearance since the November election, and Baker made his first
speech since leaving the White House to become treasury secretary.
Some of Ferraro's lines, penned by ghostwriters Frank Mankiewicz, an
executive vice president at Gray and Co., and Dick Drayne, a CBS vice president:
* "It appears that over the next five years there will be nearly 2G votes on
'Star Wars' in the House. Twenty votes! Can you imagine? That's 40 different
positions for Les Aspin to take.
*
"I see the president has relented on emergency relief to the Farmers. He's
opened a special line of credit for them to be drawn on any Ohio savings and
loan."
For his remarks, Baker commissioned top Republican joke writers including
Don Penny, Vic Gold and Dick Moore.
By all accounts Baker's largest laugh-getter was the Following joke:
"I had a terrible dream last night. i dreamed the three most powerful
Americans -- the president, the speaker of the House and the chairman of the
Federal Reserve -- suddenly passed away. All three appeared in St. Peter's
waiting FOOM.
"A voice came over the intercom telling the president to go to Room One. He
went inside and found himself with a huge gorilla. The voice then said, 'Ronald
Reagan, you have sinned, and you must spend eternity with this gorilla.'
"The voice OVER the intercom then sent Tip G'Neill to Room Two, where the
speaker Found a mad dog. 'Mr. Speaker,' the voice on the intercom said, you
have sinned and must spend eternity with this mad dog.'
"Then the voice sent Paul Volcker to Room Three. HE went in, and to his
surprise the found himself with Bo Derek. Then the voice came OVET the intercom
and said, 'Bo Derek, you have sinned
!!
The crowd went nuts.
Said Sen. Daniel Patrick Moynihan (D-N.Y.) after the dinner: "MF. Baker may
have been funnier, but Mrs. Ferraro was much more moving. They were all
genuinely happy to SEE her."
"I think she was gutsy to get up there," said Vermont's Democratic Gov.
Madeleine Kunin.
"Well, I think Baker was better," said New Jersey Gov. Thomas Kean. "But then
again, I'm a Republican."
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The Gridiron members also performed songs for Baker and Ferraro, whereby
journalists sang in the first person, as if they were Baker and Ferraro.
Ferraro's song, performed by UPI's Helen Thomas, went like this:
Now that I've got payola,
Pushing Pepsi-Cola,
I'm full of beans,
I'm Gerry From Queens.
The chorus OF Baker's song, to the tune of "When I'm Not Near the Girl I
Love," was:
First with Ford and then the preppie
I ignited Reagan fear
When I'm not near the pol I love
I love the pol I'm near.
Over the past Four years, the president and Nancy Reagan have twice
surprised their audiences at the Gridiron. Two years ago Reagan danced out
on stage at the end of a conga line, clad in a huge sombrero and Flashy serape,
and sang his Own version of "Man ana." Three years ago, Nancy Reagan brought
the house down when she turned up wearing pantaloons and sang "Second-Hand
Rose." This year the White House backed away from any spectacular performance by
the Reagans, according to a club official.
In the end, Baker turned serious in saluting the Gridiron on its
centennial.
"Members of the Gridiron, WE'VE been through a lot OF campaigns together,"
the said. "With bad motels, bad food, no food, late nights and early morning
baggage calls. We've also had our share of mutual misunderstandings and
irritations. I'd like to think that when WE disagreed, WE disagreed agreeably.
"WE should all treasure the fact that WE live in country where public Figures
and free press have for Over a century been able to get together and laugh, both
with and at each other."
The applause was thunderous, and the crowd Filed out into the wet, rainy
night.
GRAPHIC: Picture 1, Armand Hammer. Picture 2, Frank Fahrenkopf. Picture 3,
Commerce Secretary Malcolm Baldrige being escorted into the Gridiron dinner.
Picture 4, Robert Duvall. Picture 5, Lee lacocca at the Gridiron dinner.
Picture 6, President and Mrs. Reagan are greeted by Gridiron president John
Kole of the Milwaukee Journal and Capitol Hilton general manager Kevin Deverich.
AP
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23RD STORY of Level 1 printed in FULL format.
Copyright (c) 1984 The Washington Post
March 26, 1984, Monday, Final Edition
SECTION: Style; C1
LENGTH: 2214 words
HEADLINE: ROASTED!
The Gridiron's Raucous Ribbing OF One & All
BYLINE: By Phil McCombs
KEYWORD: 6RID
BODY:
LIDDY DOLE let 'Em have it with both barrels at the annual Gridiron Dinner
the other night. "Bob Strauss, you devil," she said to the Democratic Party
insider. "You look SO good this evening
IF I were just 40 years older!"
Then the Republican transportation chief turned on Gary Hart, seated at the
end of the dais. "The president doesn't WORRY about Gary Hart," SHE said. "He
told me he's got saddles older than Gary, and they've held better ideas."
AS For Ronald Reagan, who sat grinning next to her: "One thing about our
candidate. He may be old, but we know exactly how old."
The white-tie crowd of 600 political, journalistic and business big shots
loved it. They dined Saturday night at the Capital Hilton on quail, filet
mignon, cactus pear sorbet and one another's reputations, all washed down with
the usual three wines. They roared with laughter at Dole and Strauss, chosen to
represent their parties, and at skits acted by members OF the exclusive club
whose active membership is limited to 60 longtime Washington journalists.
Strauss hit hard, too: "Elizabeth Dole tells me that being married to Bob
Dole she has found to be a real religious experience
[Pause]
A
living hell.
"
By the way, I'm tired OF hearing how old the president is. After all,
he's 25 years younger than the Statue of Liberty and in a lot better shape."
Strauss said Nancy Reagan, who sat nearby smiling, arranged to get Judge
William P. Clark and Ed Meese out of the White House to stop the bickering that
was "causing the president many sleepless afternoons."
Meese, the embattled attorney general-designate, and Democratic presidential
hopeful Jesse L. Jackson ended up next to each other on the dais after Illinois
Gov. James R. Thompson, who was to have been between them, dropped out at the
last minute.
"They never said a word to one another, and it seemed like their chairs were
inching farther and farther apart all the time," said a guest.
Strauss said he and Meese were recently in a hotel washroom and Strauss
tipped the attendant for both of them. "Imagine my surprise when, two weeks
later, I got appointed deputy inspector of the EPA in Albuquerque."
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Sen. Howard K. Ketzenbaum (D-Ohio), Meese's chief critic on the Judiciary
Committee, was introduced, although the sat at a table and not on the dais.
Jackson left early, before the skits and speeches began. President Reagan,
in remarks closing the four-hour roast, said he wasn't going to make any cracks
about the Democratic hopeful because, "I may need him to get me out OF China."
Reagan drew one of his biggest laughs with, "I'm not going to worry about
the deficit. It's big enough to take care of itself."
Walter Mondale, who was campaigning in New York and didn't make the dinner,
got OFF relatively easy, although Dole quipped: "It's the First time EVER a Hart
has threatened to replace a pacemaker." Former Democratic hopefuls John Glenn
and George McGovern WEFE on the dais.
In the skits, journalists dressed as cavemen (Democrats) and spacemen
(Republicans) spoofed the pols, crooning songs like "Younger than Hartpence am
I" and:
Our troops sit offshore and they're yearning once more
For Grenada
My Pentagon guys want to SEE Latin skies--
Just a swift travelogue to Managua.
Defense Secretary Caspar Weinberger, who was seated on the dais, reportedly
grinned at that, and the Marine Corps Band played. Guipped Strauss: "I guess
everyone's seen Cap Weinberger's new bumper sticker: WEINBERGER FOR PRESIDENT.
LET'S GET IT OVER WITH. M
Hart reportedly laughed when a dancer on stage, to the Flashing disco lights,
imitated a Michael Jackson dance while singing to the tune of "Beat It":
I am the FU-ture and the FU-ture is Hart
I KNEW that I'd win, and with JUST my toothy grin.
Tip 0'Neill wasn't there, but they sang a song For him anyway:
Yesterday
All our troubles WE could spend away Then we'd pass a little tax to pay.
on, how I long for yesterday.
Suddenly
Life's not half the Fun it used to be.
Reagan's shadow's hanging over me.
on, how I yearn For Franklin D.
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It was a wacky free-for-all, a Punch and Judy show in which powerful people
let down their hair. The dinner has been held for 79 years, has gained a
momentum OF its own, and is off the record. Working reporters assigned to write
about it were not allowed in, and the top editors, executives and reporters of
major news organizations who are invited are expected not to take notes or
report on it. Information for this article was gathered before and after the
event, but not during it.
The club was started in 1885 during the First Cleveland administration, a
time when there was plenty of yellow journalism and reporters were not always
held in high esteem. It became somewhat of a goodwill dinner, although in 1907
President Teddy Roosevelt disrupted it by getting into a loud shouting match
with a senator. In recent times, club members have been criticized For being too
cozy with officials they cover.
This year, working reporters were allowed to watch a Friday rehearsal of the
journalists' skits. It seemed strange--despite her very funny performance-to
see Marjorie Hunter of The New York Times, dressed in Futuristic sequined robes
and belting out a fake hymn ("What a friend we have in Reagan/ Strong for
church but never there!"). And strange to see Haynes Johnson, of this paper,
shouting and flouncing around the stage in a caveman outfit.
But then, life is strange.
Last year Reagan himself, wearing a huge sombrero and serape, came out on
stage at the end of a conga line and sang a self-parody, "Man ana."
This year's dinner was the First in some years at which the president or
first lady didn't perform. Betty Ford danced on stage, Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter
jitterbugged, and Nancy Reagan revamped an overly upper-crust image two years
ago by getting up and making fun of herself.
But this year, club members decided against allowing the president or
Democratic candidates to perform.
"It was an election year, and WE didn't want to give either side a particular
advantage," said club secretary Lucian Warren of the Frederick News-Post. He
said there were indications that "The Reagans would have loved it
We
were tempted. I wanted to have the other presidential candidates quizzing Gary
Hart On the stage and show Roger Hudd how to do it."
AS it turned out, Hart and Mudd, the NBC man who razzed him SO fiercely in a
recent interview, WERE introduced together. One observer said Hart sat down
quickly while Mudd kept taking the applause and "wouldn't sit down." Finally he
did.
The president did manage to sneak in a little staging. Dole was winding up
her speech with, "If you think the push for prayer in schools was something,
wait until they try to introduce education," when Reagan started making
slashing motions across his throat-the stage signal for ther to stop.
"Elizabeth," hE said, "you stole six of my lines, and now you're eating into
my time."
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She turned and glowered at him. "Mr. President, I paid For this microphone!"
It got a big laugh--just as her opening greeting had: "Senator Dole
Mr.
President
"
When it was his turn, Reagan described the dinner as "a most elegant
lynching" and recalled how hurt the had been not to have been invited to the
First One 99 years ago. He proceeded to tell how security was getting 50 tight
around the White House that "I can't even get out to go to church."
In his speech, Reagan said he and Soviet leader Konstantin Chernenko ought
to get along well because they have a lot in common--neither one trusts anyone
under 70.
When he's talking on the hot line with the Soviets, he said, he has to tell
them that it's not really static on the line but, "It's Charlie Wick clearing
his throat."
When talking with Wick on the phone, he quipped, it's difficult to hang up.
You say good-bye, but then you have to wait for Wick to say, "Cut!" Wick wasn't
at the dinner.
Despite the nonpartisan ideals OF the club leadership, and manful efforts by
Strauss, the Republicans seemed to have the advantage Saturday night. The
president spoke last by tradition, and the head table seemed dominated by
President and Mrs. Reagan, Vice President and Mrs. Bush, the secretaries of
State and Defense, several other cabinet members, the Chief Justice of the
Supreme Court and Mrs. Burger, several other Supreme Court justices, Sen. Paul
Laxalt (R-Nev.) and a number of top White House aides, including James Baker,
Michael Deaver and Larry Speakes.
Also on the dais were pollster George Gallup, Gridiron Club president Jack
W. Germond of the Baltimore Evening Sun, civil rights leader Benjamin L. Hooks
and Redskins player JOE Jacoby.
Besides Strauss, Ketzenbaum and and the presidential candidates, Democrats in
the audience included Clark Clifford, Charles Manatt, Virginia Gov. Charles Robb
and Zbigniew Brzezinski. Ambassadors included Canada's Allan E. Gotlieb and his
wife Sondra and British Ambassador Oliver Wright. Soviet Ambassador Anatoliy
Dobrynin canceled at the last minute, giving no reason, and Lebanese Ambassador
Abdallah Souhabib was suddenly called to make a trip home and had to cancel.
Television news heavies included Tom Brokaw and Daniel Schorr, and among the
businessmen was Chrysler Chairman Lee Iacocca.
The hotel was crawling with security men. The president and vice president
slipped in through a side entrance, but others entered through the hotel lobby
where a crowd of onlookers gathered. Watchful Secret Service agents preceded
Hart, but security seemed much tighter for Jackson. An agent with his hand
inside a large shoulder bag that apparently contained a weapon too large to hide
under his coat preceded him, scaming the balcony with fierce eyes and breaking
into a Fun up the stairs.
At the dinner, Strauss got OFF to a Fast start in his speech with a jab at
Reagan. "So what if the program is running a little late, Mr. President. You
and me are two guys who aren't going to get up for church tomorrow. Mr.
R
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President, you're the only person I know who's probably spoken to more preachers
than he's listened to."
Strauss also had words For his Fellow Democrats. "As For Hart being something
new, I don't get it," the said. "Gary's had more birthdays than Averell Harriman.
"Now some say I was late in endorsing Mondale. I'm beginning to think I
wasn't late enough."
The skits with their witty lyrics, in which the club members made Fun of the
pols by impersonating them, brought plenty of laughs. A few samples:
Singers impersonating Rep. Lindy Boggs, Rep. Geraldine Ferraro, San Francisco
Mayor Dianne Feinstein and Kentucky Gov. Martha Layne Collins to the tune of, "I
Enjoy Being a Girl."
When you want a sure-thing ticket
That will set Democrats awhirl
And curb women's urge to picket,
WE suggest choosing a girl!
A Mondale impersonator, to the tune of "Sweet Georgia Brown," sang:
Shut my mouth, An love the South,
Ah'm sweet Georgia Fritz.
Alabamy broke my whammy,
Sweet Georgia Fritz.
Catfish fry me, pecan pie me,
Sweet Georgia Fritz!
A Jackson impersonator, to the tune OF "That Old Black Magic":
That old white magic has you in its spell,
That old white magic Reagan weaves SO well.
HE prays at breakfast and the prays at school,
He's annexed Heaven as a campaign tool.
(At the song's end, "Jackson" puts on a yarmulke and dances off stage
according to the script.)
A Strauss impersonator, to the tune of the country song:
Gh Lord, it's hard to be humble,
LEXI- 'XIS NEXIS
THE GRIDIRON DINNER
(UNLIKE OTHER DRAFTS, THESE ARE THE REALLY FUNNY JOKES)
The Grape Jokes:
As a life member of the NRA, you know how I feel:
Guns don't kill. Grapes do.
Besides, if we outlaw all the grapes, only the outlaws will
have grapes.
And think of all the Southerners who'll have grape racks in
the back windows of their pick-up trucks.
Isn't it amazing that the grape inspectors found just two
poisoned grapes out of hundreds of thousands of tons of them? I
think we should put the grape inspectors on drug detail, since
our drug agents are having such a hard time. We could give them
grape-sniffing dogs
Arm them with assault grapes
I see you didn't think that last joke was very funny. It's
alright. I bet Pete Rose you wouldn't laugh.
The Mayor Barry jokes:
Somebody's got to tell Mayor Barry that Superfund isn't his
entertainment account. And that the "supercollider" isn't his
limosine.
I think it's wonderful that the Mayor likes our minimum wage
proposal. And isn't it great that he qualifies for that training
wage?
You know, I didn't realize how bad the crime in D.C. was
until the other day, when I got on board my helicopter, Marine
One. I asked the pilot where I should sit. He said, "Behind the
gunner, sir."
Barbara went out to walk the dog one night last week.
Pretty dangerous, you might think. But it was okay. Before she
left, she said, "Cover me."
I know there's been some talk around town about bringing in
the National Guard to deal with the crime problem in D.C. Well,
I can say with certainty that Dan Quayle says if called, he'll
serve. In fact, he's been ready to serve for the last 15 years.
I believe that action is needed in dealing with this
problem. So I went last week to meet with Mayor Barry. But when
I got to his office, he was gone. Apparently, the police had
tipped him off that I was coming.
Current movies:
Barbara and I invited some friends over the other night to
see a movie. It was the biography of John Sununu. You may have
heard of it
it's called "The Last Emperor." We liked it
because it was a short subject.
Have you heard about that new sequel to the movie "Rain
Man"? It's about a senior White House official who travels
across the country with a member of the press corps, talking on
background the entire way. It's called "Dar-Man."
( (Quayle - Accidental Tourist?))
Self-deprecating:
People say I'm inarticulate and that I twist the language.
Well, like, that's -- you know -- I just don't think that's, well
I'm not inartic - no way
Hey, just get that outta here!
Others say I lack political courage. This is simply not
true. I'm the one who went to those Amish people and told them
to just say no
I'm the one who went back to Yale to fight
against illiteracy
I'm the one who sent Manuel Lujan to
American Somoa
GRIDIRON CLUB
Head Table Guests, Sat. April 1, 1989
Host
Name
Club
Alma Brown, Washington, D.C.
Club
The Vice President of the United States
Club
Ronald Brown, Washington, D.C.
Club
Mrs. Wright
Club
The President of the United States
Club
Mrs. Bush
Club
Mrs. Quayle
Club
The Speaker
Cooper
William Webster, Director, Central Intelligence Agency
Cooper
Benjamin Hooks, Baltimore, Maryland
Cooper
John Marsh, Secretary of the Army
Fichenberg
Justice O'Connor
Geyelin
The Ambassador to the United Nations
Hall
Gerald L. Baliles, Governor of Virginia
Hunt
Richard G. Darman, Washington, D.C.
Irwin
The Secretary of Commerce
J. Nelson
The Secretary of Health and Human Services
J. Perry
Gen. Alfred M. Gray, Jr., USMC
J. Perry
Alan Greenspan, Chairman, Federal Reserve Board
Knap
The Attorney General
L-E Nelson
The Secretary of State
L-E Nelson
The Secretary of Defense
Leubsdorf
Fred McClure, Washington, D.C.
Lewis
Robert H. Michel, Representative from Illinois
McCartney
Adm. William J. Crowe, Jr., Chairman, Joint Chiefs of
McCartney
Gen. Brent Scowcroft, Washington, D.C.
Novak
Thomas S. Foley, Representative from Washington
0' Rourke
Patricia C. O'Rourke, Chevy Chase, Maryland
0' Rourke
Joseph Pulitzer, Jr., St. Louis Post-Dispatch
0' Rourke
Emily Pulitzer, St. Louis Post-Dispatch
Head Table Guests
O'Rourke
John Sununu, Washington, D.C.
O'Rourke
Lawrence M. O'Rourke, St. Louis Post-Dispatch
R. Ryan
Justice White
R. Ryan
William Bennett, Drug Czar
Reed
Carla Hills, Washington, D.C.
Rennert
Justice Kennedy
Ridder
The Ambassador of Sweden
Ringle
Han Xu, Ambassador of China
Rowan
Justice Brennan
Sperling
The Secretary of the Treasury
terHorst
Yuri Dubinin, Ambassador of the U.S.S.R.
Thomas
Marlin Fitzwater, Washington, D.C.
Thomas
John Simpson, Director, Secret Service
Thomasson
William Sessions, Director, Federal Bureau of Investig
Watson
The Secretary of Veterans Affairs
March 23, 1989
MORE GRIDIRON JOKES
I may have gone too far with opening the White House to members
of Congress. As Barbara and I were climbing into bed last night,
there was Bob Byrd serenading us with his violin.
And Newt Gingrich was reading us a bedtime story entitled,
"Chinese War Tactics of the 14th Century."
A lot of people ask me if I think Gorbachev is going to remain in
power. So I called and asked him. He said, "Things aren't so
bad. At least I don't have Newt Gingrich after me."
March 16, 1989
TO:
ED McNALLY
FROM:
Bob Simon
RE:
Gridiron
Enclosed are some articles on recent gridirons. I thought
of a few jokes myself:
I intend to bring a higher ethical tone to government. So
I'm going to demand -- right now, tonight -- full disclosure
from [Jim Wright or someone like him]: Who wrote your jokes
tonight?
I hear rumors on the Hill that Jim Wright is going to hire a
personal ethics advisor. But he's having a hard time
convincing Donald Trump to work on government wages.
It's a real privilege having Jack Kemp in my Cabinet. Jack
asked me to make him Secretary of Defense. But I got him to
change his mind. Told him only if he started getting his
hair cut by the Marine Corps.
Some of my advisors urged me to take some shots at Sam Nunn
tonight, but I said, "I'm sorry, I'm just not going to do
it." Sam's still too dull to be worth mentioning.
All sorts of Americans are responding to my call for a
kinder, gentler nation. Roone Arledge did his part by
taking Sam Donaldson out of the White House for me.
Sam prefers to call it a "medical leave." His doctors
diagnosed gradual hearing loss -- excessive exposure to
helicopter noise.
Yeah, I know. Needs work. I'll keep at it.
THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON
March 20, 1989
TO:
ED McNALLY
FROM:
Bob Simon
8
SUBJECT:
Gridiron
More jokes. Introductory one-liners:
They asked me to announce that the winner of the door
prize tonight will receive a free savings-and-loan.
Last time I saw this many well-dressed people was at a
coming-out party in Iowa.
Georgette Mosbacher called me last week to ask what to
wear to the Gridiron and I told her it was white tie.
She said, "It's white tie? I know I'm new to the
Washington social scene, but I don't see what's so
formal about a waffle dinner."
Use this one after whatever you do on Sam Nunn:
Since about half the Senate is here tonight, I'd like
to take this opportunity to announce my nominee for
Assistant Secretary of Defense for Legislative Affairs:
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
I think this might be a good closing:
I'm going to do something I haven't done before. I'd
like to tell you about a conversation I had with
President Reagan last week. I said, "Ron, being
president is a lot tougher than I thought. You always
made it look so easy. What was your secret?"
He said, "Well, maybe you should try taking a nap in
the afternoon." I said, "I don't see how that will
help." He replied, "Well, all I know is that every
time I took a nap, the Navy would shoot down two more
Libyan planes and everyone in America felt better!"
JOKES FOR PRESIDENT BUSH
-- Saunders
Now it can be told -- off the record. Do you want to know the very
first time I saw a thousand points of light? (waving arms for effect)
Des Moines, 1987. I was making a speech to a charity group and
accidentally slugged myself in the head.
(re. Millie and six pups) It's tough being President. One week I get
kicked out of my bedroom because Millie has pups. The next week we
get letters from NOW because we put Millie on the mommy track. (or)
got a angry complaint from Richard Viguerie -- he was really steaming
-- something about an unwed mother on public welfare.
Try to help a girl in trouble and look what happens. I get
congratulations from pro-lifers and complaints from Planned
Parenthood.
People keep spreading rumors about who the father is. I say it's time
we left John Tower alone.
President Reagan used helicopters to drown out questions. Now, dogs!
I notice that you're enjoying the food and DRINK this evening. Did I
see Paul Weyrich taking notes?
I saw Paul Weyrich the other day. I said "I don't hold it against you
for getting me into deep doo-doo." Paul said, "watch your language,
Mr. President." (or) "Mr. President, I am very disturbed. I heard
you have a close relationship with a pregnant female other than your
wife."
It's easy to be misinterpreted in this town. The other day a reporter
asked me if I had any bitter memories of the Tower nomination. I
said "none." (Nunn)
(if a joke gets no response) I haven't dropped one like that since
1944 over Chichi Jima.
I am pleased to join you on Pearl Harbor Day. Seriously, remember to
mail your tax returns by midnight tonight.
(I'm accused of elitism.) There's absolutely no truth to that crazy
story about champagne in the radiator of my limousine. That's
ridiculous. Just a little Perrier water, that's all.
But I admit that I was the first President to throw an alligator shirt
across the Potomac.
(People talk about all the states I claim as residence) It was a bit
unsettling to see the FBI report
George Herbert Walker Bush, 63.
years old
of no fixed address.
I hope you noticed that I did not DRIFT over to this microphone --
there is no drifting in this administration. I was telling that to
Bar at lunch as I was spreading a little MALAISE on my sandwich.
I want a kinder, gentler nation. I'm serious. Anybody who stands in
my way will be severely punished. (or) get the death penalty.
MAR-21-1989 18:34 FROM U.S. ATTORNEYS OFFICE
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THE GRIDIRON CLUB
Thank you, Larry.
Your kind words are appreciated,
But entirely unnecessary.
It's nice just to be invited out to
For something other than an overseas funeral.
still get excited
By the way,
Next year,
To get an earlier spot in the show? Even the acading awards show
Who do I speak to
isn'this long!
Not that I haven enjoyed every minute of it,
But, I think I'm up for re election
7
Its just that
well, you know me
I'm not one to be kept waiting in the wings.
I do have to keep my own comments brief tonight.
I promised to help with the dishes.
That's aN right.
used to cleaning up other people's messes.
Getting ready for my remarks tonight, I checked the listory books.
urse it was 200 years ago today
That the battleship Maine was sunk
When the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor
Wait a minute.
I may have that date wrong.
I guess anyone who's heard me speak
Knows why Barbara has devoted her life
To promoting literacy.
You see, as President,
I was looking forward to getting all sorts of honorary degrees.
Well, I just got a call from Andover and Yale.
They want theirs back.
(Just call me the "Education President".)
I'm trying to improve.
I hired a new speech coach.
You may have heard of him.
Dr. Elmer Fudd?
I've listened closely to the jokes tonight.
And, boy am I a good sport.
Some presidential honeymoon
Mike
Robin
There hasn't been a honeymo like this since Tyson Givens.
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I really don't need this job.
My son owns a Major League baseball team.
DRAFT
I'll never forget my father's words:
"George, you may be President one day,
But hold on to that first baseman's glove".
But, I figure I'll stick with politics.
Baseball is a game of skill.
My family's always been very supportive.
George Will predicted
That if I got elected,
The sound you'd be hearing from the Oval Office
Would be "the whining arf of a lap dog".
And now, Millie goes and proves him right.
Betrayed by my own dog.
tinny
How do I explain to Gorbachev
That the Leader of the Free World
Got kicked out of bed
By a pregnant springer spaniel?
I can handle criticism.
I do regret that my Houston friends took such a pounding.
So for now,
I'm going to spare them.
Tenfas.
And I'm going to spare Washington.
Read my lips;
No new Texans.
Gorbachev told me he was surprised
That I'd actually invite people to read my lips.
Apparently, when I was the CIA chief,
That was the KGB's job.
My staff has come in for its share of criticism.
I hear the jokes
"How many White House aides does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None.
I've ordered them to keep me in the dark."
But, that's not true
My staff is very efficient. is still adjusting to my spontaneous style.
Before dinner the other night
Semetimes too efficient. I think the advance are overcompensating.
I said to Barbara.
"How about a little Chinese?"
Next thing I know,
I'm shaking hands with Deng Xiaoping.
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The key is knowing your aides.
For instance, my aide, Fred McClure.
He worked for Ed Meese, John Tower, and Frank Lorenzo.
When I go to the track,
I ask Fred's advice
And bet on the other horses.
But, I don't think we're off to such a slow start.
I've been busy writing notes
To all of those kids whose letters'
President Reagan read on TV.
And then there were the handwritten thank yous
To each citizen who voted for me
By the way,
Does the hiring freeze apply to sub-cabinet appointments?
Even Barbara thinks I'm too cautious.
She says I should take the rear-view mirror
Off my stationary bicycle.
But, the way I see it:
If we start replacing the Reagan appointments
With our own people,
How are we going to blame problems on our predecessors?
Well, since the Senate Leadership is here,
I might as well announce another appointment.
Assistant Secretary for Congressional Liaison.
He's tough on defense.
of Defense
He's a strong supporter.
He's Arnold Schwar zenegger.
You can have a hearing if YOU want
But, I'd hate to be the one to vote against him.
I'm learning, though.
I realize that for Secretary of Defense
Congress wants someone who understands foreign affairs,
Not someone rumored to have had them.
It's easy to be misinterpreted in this town.
Bill Bennett announced he'd stopped smoking.
Next day, the papers called him a quitter.
A reporter asked me
If there were any hard feelings
Over the Tower hearings.
I said: "None". (Nunn)
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But, I enjoy sparring with the press.
Some of you say that our agenda's constantly shifting,
That our people are divided,
That you can't follow what's going on.
Give me a break.
This is coming from the same people
Who appear on the McLaughlin Group.
I would like to have a "kinder, gentler" relationship.
And I think we can do it.
Especially since Sam Donaldson left. the white House.
I hear Diane Sawyer is teaming with Sam on a new show.
(Mary Poppins Meets Mr. Spock.) What are this young to call it: Bambi VS.
That's like mating a French Poodle with a Pit Bull.
Godzilla
And, I know my pit bulls.
I've worked with Lee Atwater.
a
Lee's smart. guy.
He's the first person in history
To go through Howard University
In just three days.
He knows how to recruit, too
He's been to bars all across America
Telling everybody I was calling for
A thousand pints of lite.
But, the best thing about Lee:
He's an innovative conservative.
He wants Russians to stop jamming VOA,
And Republicans to start jamming R&B.
Did you see him during Inauguration Week?
The sunglasses.
The loud music.
The dancing.
The sweat.
Now, I know what he meant
When he said he wanted to lead
"The Party".
I think we should all bow our heads now,
And give thanks
That Lee never learned to play the accordion.
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Well I hope I've been at least mildly entertaining.
I'm sensitive about that
Because, believe it or not,
Some people say I'm boring
You wouldn & think this would be a problem
For a man who told Idaho Republicans
He had sex with Ronald Reagan
You wouldn't think this would be a problem
For a man who made Poloroids of Congressman
In the Lincoln Bedroom.
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HUMPTY DUMPTY to HUNGER
which would not bear raillery was sus-
9 Humor is a serious thing. I like to
picious; and a jest which would not bear
think of it as one of our greatest and
a serious examination was certainly false
earliest national resources which must be
wit. [Anthony Ashley Cooper, Third
preserved at all costs. [James Thurber,
Earl of Shaftesbury: Characteristicks V]
on CBS-TV, March 4, 1956]
1 Raillery is a way of speaking in fa-
10 Humor is emotional chaos remem-
vor of one's wit at the expense of one's
bered in tranquillity. [James Thurber,
better nature. [Montesquieu: Pensées Di-
quoted New York Post, Feb. 29, 1960]
verses]
Thurber, of course, was parodying
raillery = kidding, ribbing, and other
Wordsworth's definition of poetry as
forms of sadism thinly disguised as
"emotion recollected in tranquillity."
humor
HUMPTY DUMPTY
2 Every man has, some time in his life,
an ambition to be a wag. [Samuel John-
11 Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
son: in Mme. d'Arblay's Diary V]
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
wag=a merry fellow, the life of the
All the king's horses,
party
And all the king's men,
In its meaning of a humorist, wag is
Couldn't put Humpty together again.
an abbreviation of waghalter-that is,
[Nursery rhyme: a riddle, to which the
one who will end up being hanged or
answer was "an egg." Earliest known
wagging a halter in his death struggles.
printed form 1803.]
It seems originally to have been applied
The rhyme seems to be universal in all
to mischievous little boys as a term of
European languages and Humpty vari-
endearment and then to older drolls,
ously known as Boule-Boule, Thille-
especially such as kept a youthful impu-
Lille, Hillerin-Lillerin, Wirgele-Wargele,
etc.
dence.
3 The humorous thief who drank a pot
Lewis Carroll used him in Through
of beer at the gallows blew off the foam
the Looking Glass because he was so
well known.
because he had heard it was unhealthy.
[Emerson: Society and Solitude, "Old
HUNGER
Age"]
12 Hunger is the teacher of the arts and
4 And since, I never dare to write
the inspirer of invention. [Persius: Pro-
As funny as I can.
logue to the Satires]
[O. W. Holmes: The Height of the Ri-
13 A hungry people is unreasonable, un-
diculous]
just and unmerciful. [Seneca: De brevi-
5 Everything human is pathetic. The se-
tate vitae XVIII]
cret source of Humor itself is not joy but
14 Hunger is the best sauce. [Cicero: De
sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
finibus II]
[Mark Twain: Pudd'nhead Wilson's New
The proverb is universal and has been
Calendar]
attributed to Socrates. The Latins had
6 Nothing spoils a romance so much as
also a saying that hunger is the best
a sense of humour in the woman. [Oscar
cook, as also do the Germans. The French
Wilde: A Woman of No Importance I]
say that hunger is the first course. The
7 If a person desires to be a humorist
proverb appears in John Florio's Firste
it is necessary that the people around
Fruites and in Cervantes: Don Quixote
him shall be at least as wise as he is,
11.5., etc., ad infinitum.
otherwise his humor will not be compre-
15 I am so sore forhungered that my
hended. [James Stephens: The Demi-
belly weeneth my throat is cut. [John
Gods XXVII]
Palsgrave: Acolastus (1540)]
8 There are men so philosophical that
Palsgrave was probably quoting, for the
they can see humor in their own tooth-
jest is redolent of hoary antiquity. Like
aches. But there has never lived a man
many jokes whose age must be defined in
so philosophical that he could see the
geologic terms, however, it is still alive.
toothache in his own humor. [H. L.
It's very common in rustic American
Mencken: Chrestomathy 618]
humor where it usually appears as: "I
331
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6TH STORY of Level .1 printed in FULL format.
Copyright (6) 1988 The NEW York Times Company;
The New York Times
October 21, 1988, Friday, Late City Final Edition
SECTION: Section A; Page 16, Column 4, National Desk
LENGTH: 1070 words
HEADLINE: Candidates Try Their Hand at Humor
BYLINE: By MAUREEN DOWD
BODY:
The two MEN WHO have been calling each other terrible names sat down together
tonight to eat an elegant dinner, separated only by John Cardinal 0' Cornor.
As the band aptly played Can't Get Started With You, Vice President
Bush and Michael S. Dukakis began their third face-to-face contest of the
political season.
Instead of lecterns, there was rack OF lamb. Instead OF interrogating
panelists, there was a collection of the city's leaders in business, government,
politics and journalism. At New York's most Famous monpolitical political event,
the Alfred E. Smith Memorial Dinner, the Presidential candidates were
expected to put issues aside and show some grace, some wit and SOME white-tie,
sartorial style.
With a martini-dry delivery that came across better than many had expected,
Mr. Dwkakis opened with a jibe about the many states that the Vice President
claims as residences.
Telling the audience that his wife, Kitty, could not be with him because she
was campaigning in Texas, the said there 'might'''' be a Texan on the dais with
him. ''Kitty's in a hotel FOOM in Dallas, so I guess she qualifies as a Texan'
he said, as the audience laughed.
MF. Bush, who came with his wife, Barbara, Fought back by remarking that
Mrs. Bush is a native New Yorker
Calling the Fival he has denounced on the trail Mike, he made Fun OF his
own elite background, saying: '' You've seen the portraits of the Mayflower. My
people are the Ones waving the Bloomingdale's shopping bags.
Mr. Bush said the had not seen 50 many well-dressed people since I went to
a come-as-you-are-party in Kennebunkport.
Variations OR a Theme
With it somewhat wooden delivery, he added a staple OF American humor - the
withering comment of a long-suffering wife. Recalling how the had practiced his
banquet jokes OR her, MF. Bush said she remarked: 141 know Johnny Carson.
Johnny Carson's a friend of mine. And George, you're no Johnny Carson.
LEXIS® ® NEXIS® ® LEXIS® NEXIS ®
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(c) 1988 The New York Times, October 21, 1988
Mr. Dukakis, too, tried a variation On the now-famous debate barb OF
Senator Lloyd Bentsen to Senator Dan Quayle on Mr. Quayle's comparing himself to
John F. Kennedy.
He began by saying that A1 Smith, who in 1928 became the First Catholic
to be nominated for President, had been described once as a pugnacious
-foot-7 with sloping shoulders and an unimposing appearance.
And when the -ran against Herbert Hoover in 1928, they even called him a
liberal, the Massachusetts Governor said, mimicking the sheering tone MF.
Bush USES when the says the word Mr. Dukakis said: Now before the
Vice President says it, I know I'm no A1 Smith. !!
Mr. Dukakis also tried several self-deprecating lines, making fun of his
tank Fide, his prominent nose and his cool demeanor. VI've been told that I
lack passion, but that doesn't affect me one way or the other, the said dryly.
'Some people say I'm arrogant, but I know better than that.
He also made fun of his size. ' You've said mairy times in this campaign that
you want to give America back to the little guy, he said to his Republican
fival. Vice President, I am that man.
Even though politicians like Jimmy Carter have Foundered at past A1 Smith
dinners on the shoals of seriousness, the underdog Democrat could not resist
trying to score points on issues.
Concerned that he did not rebut MF. Bush well enough at the last debate,
Mr. Dukakis dispensed with whimsy quickly and turned to crime, drugs, AIDS and
the homeless.
While the 2,400 guests at the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel WEFE still eating their
lemon mousse cake from their $500 plates at the annual fund-raising dinner
sponsored by the Roman Catholic Archdiocese OF New York, the serious Democrat
got serious.
Mr. Bush had received a WAFA welcome in Queens yesterday when, paying
tribute to the two NEW York police officers slain this week, the bashed Mr.
Dukakis FOR being too soft on crime. So Mr. Dukakis countered: When a law
enforcement officer is killed if the line of duty, we all die a little bit. And
when drugs are the cause - as they almost always SEEM to be - that grief must be
matched by determination. Determination to beat the drug peddlers and thugs who
are terrorizing OUR people and poisoning OUR kids.
The Vice President's speech, written by Peggy Noonan, was short on issues but
was just as political in its Own way. It was stocked with all the patriotic
symbols with which Mr. Bush has tried to associate himself: praising the
01ympic athletes, the American Flag and the workers who helped save Jessica
McClure, the little girl who fell down a well in Texas a year ago.
Praise For Reagan
Referring to the apparent successes OF the Reagan Administration, Mr. Bush
said, Perhaps the central paradox for #E this year, as for Governor Dukakis,
is that while every day WE travel the country talking about its problems, it's
hard to see 50 much of America and not feel confident.
LEXIS® ® NEXIS® ® LEXIS® ® NEXIS
Services of Mead Data Central
PAGE
4
(c) 1988 The New York Times, October 21, 1986
He also praised MF. Reagan, whom he called ' the boss. ''HE doesn't make
much of it, but the 15 a strong man. And yet there is an idealism in him, a
sweetness that softens his judgments and lights him From within.
The dinner has been an always vivid and often controversial event since it
began in 1945, a year after Governor Smith's death. With Mayor Koch, Senators
Alfonse M. l'Amato and Daniel Patrick Moynthan and Governor Kean of New Jersey
looking on, this year was no exception.
With the Presidential race 50 hard fought and scripted, everyone was eager to
see the candidates together one MOFE time. At a crowded photo opportunity before
the dinner, the two nominees, dressed identically in white tie, silently smiled
and shook hands Four times For the cameras.
John Kennedy, who has often been invoked by Democrats and Republicans alike
in this campaign, gave what everyone agrees was the best speech in the history
of the Smith dinner, and what SOME have called One of the wittiest political
speeches EVEF.
Kennedy, whose Catholicism and Facile wit made him the perfect speaker For
the sharity event, said that Francis Cardinal Spellman was the only man in
America who could bring together amicably at the same banquet table, FOR the
first time in this campaign, two political leaders who are increasingly
apprehensive about the November election, who have long eyed each other
suspiciously and who have disagreed 50 strongly both publicly and privately:
Vice President Nixon and Governor Rockefeller.
GRAPHIC: photo of Vice President Bush, Gov. Michael S. Dukakis and John
Cardinal 0' Connor (NYT/Angel Franco)
SUBJECT: PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION OF 1988
NAME: DOWD, MAUREEN, BUSH, GEORGE (VICE PRES); DUKAKIS, MICHAEL S (GOV)
LEXIS® ® NEXIS® LEXIS® ® NEXIS
408-
66-662-1308
MEMORANDUM
THE WHITE HOUSE
FROM Jack
WASHINGTON
Pitney
W. wnt too for in
opening WH to robers of Congress
as we with to, Bob Byord serending us w/violin
to Newt Gi, twan reading and a bedtime
story entitled "Chinese Wm Tacties of the
14th Century
and to adjust personal style
surf fishing
sea timle bobbed up meft to me
SS grabbed it t wrested it to the ground
watching a let of novies on am UCRS
the talles remind me of rest
events:
D.O.A. - the proposed fee on St L deposits
Duck soup - Dich Dornan's budget testining
The greatest throw or Earth - Newt + Tomy
as House whips
Harper & Row, 1987
The Wit & Wisdom of Mark Twain edited by Alex Avers
quite a nice compliment-but if he would do the translating for
me I would try to get along without the compliment.
-A Tramp Abroad, 1880, vol. 1, ch. 16
LATE
Mark Twain once arrived over an hour late for a lecture in Duluth,
Minnesota. Although the delay was not his fault, the crowd was
impatient and somewhat irascible by the time he showed up. But
Mark Twain disarmed them by strolling into the lecture hall in a
leisurely fashion and saying, "I am glad that my strenuous efforts
did succeed in getting me here just in time."
The crowd laughed and their hostility melted away.
LAUGHTER
Your race, in its poverty, has unquestionably one really effective
weapon-laughter. Power, money, persuasion, supplication, per-
secution-these can lift at a colossal humbug-push it a little—
weaken it a little, century by century; but only laughter can blow
it to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of laughter
nothing can stand.
-"The Mysterious Stranger," story,
1916, ch. 10
Such a laugh was money in a man's pocket, because it cut down
on the doctor's bills like everything.
-Tom Sawyer, 1876, ch. 30
LAW
To succeed in the other trades, capacity must be shown; in the
law, concealment of it will do.
-Following the Equator, 1897, vol. 2, ch. 1
Trial by jury is the palladium of our liberties. I do not know what
a palladium is, having never seen a palladium, but it is a good
thing no doubt at any rate.
-Roughing It, 1872, ch. 49
134
DOUG GAMBLE
424- 36th Place
Manhattan Beach, CA 90266
(213) 546-6409
To: CHRIS WINSTON
Following is material for the "Gridiron Dinner" for the
President.
I ended up doing a little more than I expected to do, but this
is an important event and I wanted to help out.
I have a hunch the audience might expect the President to say at
least something about Tower, but if he's dead set against it he obviously won't.
However, I've included a couple of mild references to the Tower situation, just
in case.
1 hope 1 can drop by to meet you when I'm in Washington next Thursday
and Friday.
Regards,
Dong
P.S. I've put my invoice at the end of the material.
7 PAGES FOLLOW
MAR-21-1989 18:36 FROM U.S. ATTORNEYS OFFICE
TO
84566218
P.07
DRAFT
OFFICE VERSION
1
NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION
Thank you. Thank you, Larry. Your kind words are appreciated but
entirely unnecessary. It's nice just to be invited out for
something other than an overseas funeral.
Of course, it was 200 years ago today that the battleship Maine was
sunk when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor
( (PAUSE) ) Wait a
minute. I may have that date wrong.
This is the largest black tie group I've seen since those coming
out parties during the Iowa primary.
Batting clean-up at the Gridiron is no easy task. They say it
should be done with the same degree of alacrity and nonchalance
*
that one would display in authorizing a highly intelligent trained
bear to remove your appendix.
Still, I'm not going to take off the gloves. I'm a WASP. And you
know what "WASP" stands for: "We Always Say Please."
Been listening up here tonight. Some presidential honeymoon.
Hasn't been a honeymoon like this since the one shared by Mike
Tyson and Robin Givens.
Sure, I've been stung. My friend George Will predicted that if T
got elected, the sound you'd be hearing from the Oval Office world
be "the whining arf of a lap dog." And now Millie goes and proves
him right.
Betrayed by my own dog. Pretty hard to stare down the Russians
*
when the Leader of the Free World gets kicked out of bed by a
pregnant springer spaniel.
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President means all sorts of honorary degrees. Not for me. Yale
and Andover want theirs back.
Just call me the "Education President."
I do believe we're on our way to a kinder, gentler nation.
Especially with Sam Donaldson out of the White House.
you're
that Diane Sawyer is joining Sam for a new show.
at's
ng Mary Poppins with Mr. Spock.
Some people say our agenda's confusing, our cabinet divided, that
you can't follow what's going on. This from the same people who
appear on the McLaughlin Group?
I do admit we got off to a slow start. At first I was busy writing
notes to all those kids whose letters President Reagan read on TV.
Then there were the handwritten thank you's to each citizen who
voted for me.
By the way, does the hiring freeze apply to sub-cabinet
appointments?
Anyway, what's wrong with going slow? If we actually start
replacing the Reagan appointments with our own people, how are we
gonna blame problems on our predecessors?
You all know Lee Atwater. Lee's an innovative conservative. He
wants Russians to stop jamming VOA and Republicans to start jamming
R & B.
Most of you probably saw Lee on stage during Inauguration week or
on the Letterman show. The sunglasses. The loud rock music. The
dancing and the sweat.
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I regret that my Houston friends had to take such a beating. It's
gonna end, and I'm gonna spare them and I'm gonna spare Washington.
Read my lips: No new Texans.
Actually, Gorbachev told me he was surprised that I would go right
of
out and ask people to "read my lips." Apparently, when I was CIA
chief the KGB did that all the time.
We had a policeman on every corner when Gorbachev came to New York.
Made him feel right at home.
President Reagan began as an actor and apparently Gorbachev plans
to finish as one. He wants to star in a re-make of Mikhail's Navy.
Like everybody, when I was a kid I dreamed that someday I might
grow up to be
( (Pause))
a player in major league baseball.
Now my kid buys a baseball club and he won't even let me try out.
"Better stick with politics," George, Jr., said. "Baseball is a
game of skill."
People say I'm indecisive. Well, I don't know about that
Other people think I'm overly cautious. Barabara says I should
take the rear-view mirror off my stationary bicycle.
Some say my staff is too young and inexperienced. How many White
House aides does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. I've
asked them to keep me in the dark.
Actually, the staff is great. But I have to be careful.
Everything you say they do. Before dinner the other night I said
to Barbara: "How about a little Chinese?" Before I knew it the
Secret Service were trying to bring in Deng Xiaoping.
Some people say I mangle the language. That's why Barbara has
devoted her life to promoting literacy. Usually, getting elected
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It's easy to be misinterpreted in this town. The other day a
reporter asked if the unfairness of the Tower nomination had left
any memories. I said: "None." ( (Nunn) )
Since the Senate leadership is here, there's another Pentagon
appointment I'm ready to announce. Assistant Secretary for
Congressional Liaison. He's tough on defense. He's a strong
supporter. He's Arnold Schwartzenegger.
Since nearly all Kissinger's people are already in place we figured
we needed one guy with an accent. Somebody's gonna have to do
Nightline.
Some people say I'm boring. And it's true, we really haven't been
able to get a world-class scandal going. You would not normally
think this would be a problem for a man who told Idaho Republicans
he had sex with Ronald Reagan and who made polaroids of congressmen
being entertained in the Lincoln'bedroom.
Really, the new standards have made seeking public office an
impossible task. If the trend keeps up, the only people still
eligible for appointment will be the Pennsyvania Dutch. And they
won't be able to use the telephones.
You know my aide Fred McClure. Boy can he pick 'em. He worked for
Ed Meese, John Tower and Frank Lorenzo. When I go to the track I
ask Fred's advice and then bet on the other horses.
The budget deficit. Voodoo, Sununu and deep doo doo.
The first is the problem, the second is the solution and the third
is what we may be facing in 1992.
But having an outsider like Governor Sununu look at the deficit has
actually brought forth some interesting new ideas. He figured out
that while it costs the taxpayers nearly a hundred grand a year to
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keep a man in Congress, it only costs twenty-five grand to keep a
man in prison.
A simple relocation would reduce the Congressional budget by
three-fourths -- and do much to restore Executive authority.
"Sununu Economics." I liked John's idea of helping the S & L's by
having each new customer deposit a toaster. Even to Dick Darman,
very few toasters are gonna look like a duck.
But we gotta get the budget under control. You know about the B-1
bomber that crashed a few months back. Third time one's crashed.
250 million dollars this plane costs. The reason this time: The
windshield fogged over.
I'm sorry. Even a volkswagen has a defroster. I mean, couldn't
someone at the Pentagon have at least slipped in a scraper?
men there's the Stealth Bomber. Years of research. Billions of
dollars. But it works, it's true: This plane can be flown from
the United States clear through to Moscow without ever being
detected on a radar screen. Now all we need to do is come up with
an American kid who can find Russia on a map.
But we've getting tough on defense contractors. From now on if the
Pentagon wants to get sophisticated weapons, they're going to have
to go down and buy them at the gun shop like everybody else.
You know the NRA position. Guns don't kill people. Grapes do.
Iran's another problem. Years of calculated pressure to try to put
one over the Ayatollah. Freezing his assets. Closing embassies.
Trade boycott. Sending carriers to the Gulf.
it turns out all we had to do to get the Mullahs mad: Write a
book.
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Used to be you had to be elected President to get yourself a death
threat from the Ayatollah.
From now on, we're going to save a fortune in defense. Rushdie's
next books are called "Apartheid Stinks" and "Kaddafy's Pilots Are
Sissies."
[Gracious closing remarks to be inserted here.]
DRAFT
Photocopy-Preservation
(McNally/Simon)
3/30/89; 12:00 pm
Draft 3
(grid.gb)
PRESIDENTIAL REMARKS: GRIDIRON DINNER
CAPITAL HILTON
SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 1989
Thank you, Larry [O'Roark, Gridiron Club President]
I must say I'm impressed.
This is the largest white tie group I've seen
Since those coming out parties in Iowa.
( (IF EVENING IS LONG) ) By the way, next year --
Who do I see
About getting an earlier spot in the show?
( (PAUSE) )
Even the Academy Awards aren't this long.
I gotta tell you, though,
After watching XXXX & XXXXXXX
Trying to act and sing tonight,
I have a feeling you may soon be joining
Salman Rushdie in hiding.
Believe me, I know.
Ronald Reagan is a tough act to follow.
Let's face it: If I was funnier than him
I would have won in 1980 ((PAUSE))
And he'd be up here tonight,
Trying to laugh away the Bush deficit.
People say I lack political courage.
Don't forget. ( (FORCEFULLY) )
I'm the one who went to the Amish
and told them to "Just say no."
2
I'm the one who went back to Yale
To fight against illiteracy.
((SHAKE HEAD)) Rough night up here.
Some presidential honeymoon.
Hasn't been a honeymoon like this since Mike Tyson's.
But I know how to take a hit.
George Will predicted
That if I got elected,
The sound you'd hear from the Oval Office
Would be "the arf of a lap dog." ( (INCREDULOUSLY))
And now Millie goes and proves him right.
Millie had 6 puppies. ( (SHORT PAUSE) )
Actually, she had 8,
But the Senate rejected two.
still, I'm glad that one of the puppies
Was a boy.
Now Congress will have to be more specific
When they refer to that
S. O. B. in the White House.
Some say we got off to a slow start.
Ridiculous.
And I'll deny it in a formal statement
As soon as we hire some speechwriters.
3
I think our administration
Has gotten off to a good start.
The trip to Japan was very touching.
It was a nostalgic experience,
Visiting our money.
You've got to have a good staff to make the White House run.
Like Fred McClure up here.
Fred's worked for John Tower and Frank Lorenzo.
((TO FRED)) Come to think of it,
Did you ever pilot any ships for Exxon?
Then there's Lee Atwater.
Lee's a smart guy. ( (PAUSE) )
He's the first person in history
To go through Howard University
In just three days.
Have you seen Lee on stage?
Inauguration week.
The Letterman show.
The sunglasses.
The loud music.
The dancing and the sweat.
((PAUSE))
Now I know what Lee meant
When he said he wanted to lead the Party.
As Lee's often told me,
You can't get a break from the media.
Bill Bennett announced he'd stopped smoking.
Next day, the papers called him a quitter.
4
Bill's taken on the tough job of figuring out
What to do about semi-automatic weapons.
We all know the NRA's position:
Guns don't kill people,
Grapes do.
And of course, if we outlaw grapes,
only outlaws will have grapes.
You'd think the White House would be safe from crime.
But last night Barbara was headed out the door to walk Millie,
Looked back, and said, "Cover me."
Barbara's told me she's totally opposed
To the availability of assault weapons.
But I told her, "How am I going to take
Microphones and word processors away from reporters?"
Even my grandkids are starting to pick up
Bad habits from the media.
The other day, one of them asked for a candy bar
And I said "No".
Then she said, "I'd like to ask a follow-up."
Campaign-style politics has even come to Moscow.
You can tell they're not used to campaigning.
I saw Boris Yeltsin on television the other night:
Sitting in an 18-wheeler, pledging allegiance,
Criticizing the pollution in Odessa Harbor.
I had a feeling Yeltsin would win though. ((SHORT PAUSE))
Once I found out his opponent had spent a lot of time
In the Red Army -- riding around in Soviet tanks.
5
People wonder whether Gorbachev
Is going to be able to remain in power.
I talked to him on the phone the other day.
He said, "Things aren't so bad.
At least I don't have Newt Gingrich after me."
We do a lot of kidding around in this town -- believe me, I
know, since I'm often the target. But it's important to be able
to laugh. Because even though humor isn't singled out in the
First Amendment, as tonight's friendly competition shows, it's
darn near a national imperative. Americans are supposed to take
their responsibilities seriously -- but not themselves.
Mark Twain called laughter the "one really effective
weapon," against which no humbug can stand. Amen.
Laughter is part of the magic of America, part of the magic
of our politics and our press. A year from now -- heck, a week
from now -- there'll be all sorts of new material. My
misstatements alone should give you plenty to work with. And
there'll be things yet unthought of, as unlikely as Rushdie's
book or Millie's puppies.
I wish you happy hunting. And I wish you laughter in your
work. I promise to do my part -- Remember Pearl Harbor.
Good night, and God bless you all.
###
Dave Demorest
edits
(McNally/Simon)
3/24/89; 2:00 pm
Draft 1
(grid)
PRESIDENTIAL REMARKS: GRIDIRON DINNER
CAPITAL HILTON
SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 1989
Thank you, Larry [O'Roark, Gridiron Club President]
Your kind words are appreciated,
But entirely unnecessary.
It's nice just to be invited out
For something other than an overseas funeral.
Still, I'm impressed.
This is the largest white tie group I've seen
Since those coming out parties in Iowa.
Larry told me earlier that Bob Dole had called
asked to make sure that
would And said, "I certainly hope Washington's Power Couple
Will be invited to the Gridiron.
Larry said, Of course. He'd I've I already invited the Mosbachers.
thought
toughest
I was hoping the world's most powerful editor-in-chief
Might be here.
But I see the Ayatollah couldn't make it.
I've been asked to read an announcement: ((PAUSE))
All door prize winners:
Please see Nick Brady
About picking up your free S & L.
By the way, next year --
Who do I see
About getting an earlier spot in the show.
Even the Academy Awards aren't this long.
2
I gotta tell you, though,
After watching members of the media
Trying to act and sing tonight,
I have a feeling you may soon be joining
Salman Rushdie in hiding.
Seriously though, your performances really registered. ((PAUSE))
On the Misery Index.
Really, though, I've enjoyed every minute of it.
But it's been a long night.
And you know me. ( (PAUSE) )
I'm not one to be kept waiting in the wings.
know how to
And, Ronald Reagan is a tough act to follow.
Let's face it:
If I was funnier than him
I would have won in 1980 --
And he'd be up here tonight,
Trying to laugh away the Bush deficit.
I can't stay very long tonight.
My old friend Jerry Ford
Is coming over in the morning to play horseshoes,
And I'm going to be up half the night
Boarding up the White House windows.
In preparing for tonight,
I noticed on the calendar
90
That it was 200 years ago today
That the battleship Maine was sunk
When the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor
...
((PAUSE))
Wait a minute. ( (PAUSE) )
3
I may have that date wrong.
Rough night up here.
Some presidential honeymoon.
Hasn't been a honeymoon like this since Mike Tyson's.
I guess the most important thing I've learned
since becoming President
Is that you can't take criticism too seriously.
Like when
People say I'm indecisive.
Well, I don't know about that.
People say I lack political courage. Don' + forget
They've already forgotten. ( (FORCEFULLY) )
I'm the one who went to these Amish people
and told them to "Just say no."
I'm the one who went back to yale to fight against ilerteracy.
People say I/ve got no agenda, no plans, follow what's going on.
that MY agendascontusins, my staff divided, and you can't
That nothing is happening in Washington.
This from the guys on The
I'm sorry, but I just don t catch their drift
Mchaugulin Group
Some say I'm overly cantions Backara says I should take the rear vrew
nuccor 00 any
People say I'm inart-, inartic-, Antarctic, ( (GIVE UP)) stationary bike.
That I can't speak well. well, that's, you know, I just don't think
Well, Al Haig coming over to help me with that. that's, well-no way
Quietly) But
Hey just get that
And I want my money back from Ailes.
ontte here.
(PAUSE)
((INCREDULOUSLY)) And people still wonder why
Barbara's devoted her life
To fighting illiteracy!
4
As president, I was looking forward to
Receiving some honorary degrees.
Andover and Yale called.
They want theirs back.
Just call me the Education President.
But I know how to take a hit.
George Will predicted
That if I got elected,
The sound you'd hear from the Oval Office
Would be "the arf of a lap dog."
And now Millie goes and proves him right.
Betrayed by my own dog.
Pretty hard to stare down Gorbachev
When the Leader of the Free World
Gets kicked out of bed
By a pregnant springer spaniel.
I've heard of a President being in the dog house,
but this is ridiculous.
I don't know why Millie had to
Go get pregnant in the first place.
I should have used my authority to order a
60-day cooling-off period.
Six dogs
Now I'll really be in deep doe-doo.
5
Maybe you heard --
Millie's mate was a sire named
"Tug Farrish the Third." [Tug III]
Just what I need to shed my preppy image --
Puppies with Roman numerals after their names.
Still, I'm glad that one of the puppies
Was a boy.
Now Congress will have to be more specific
When they refer to that
S.O.B. in the White House.
I may have gotten a little carried away
When I opened up the White House to Congress.
We were going to bed last night and saw
Bob Byrd playing the violin on the Truman Balcony.
Joe Kennedy was playing with the puppies.
Newt Gingrich was reading a bedtime story:
Chinese War Tactics in the 14th Century.
Congress should be warned, though.
I can play rough if I need to.
Remember all those photos I took
Of Congressmen in the Lincoln Bedroom.
I've still got the negatives.
I'm not the only one from the Lone Star State
Who's catching flak.
Baker. Bentsen. Mosbacher. Gramm. Wright. Cavazos.
At the White House there's Bates, McClure, Untermeyer and
Cicconi.
6
Had enough, Washington? ((LOUD AND SLOW) )
READ MY LIPS: NO NEW TEXANS.
The key is knowing your aides.
Like Fred McClure up here.
He's worked for Ed Meese, John Tower, and Frank Lorenzo.
When I go to the track,
I ask Fred's advice ( (PAUSE) )
And then bet on the other horses.
I guess you all have heard about the sequel
They're making for "Rain Man."
It's about a White House official who travels across the country
With a reporter,
Talking on background the whole way.
It's called "Dar-Man."
then there's that great autobroshraphial fluck the Last Enginer
about John Suchmen - it's called the
Then there's Lee Atwater.
Lee's a smart guy. ((PAUSE))
Cast Emperor'
He's the first person in history
To go through Howard University
In just three days.
Lee's an innovative conservative.
Lee wants Russians to stop jamming VOA --
And Republicans to start jamming R&B.
Have you seen Lee on stage?
Inauguration week.
The Letterman show.
The sunglasses.
The loud music.
The dancing and the sweat. ((PAUSE))
7
Now I know what Lee meant
When he said he wanted to lead the Party.
We should all just be grateful
Lee never learned to play the accordion.
Atwater aside,
I do admit we got off to a slow start. some say we got offto a
There were the usual hassles in moving.
slow start. Ridiculous.
I turned in Air Force Two.
And I'n deny it in a
Got charged extra
formal statement as soon
as we lice some
For not filling up the gas tank.
speechwrites.
December and January were rough,
forty
two
willion
Doing handwritten thank you's.
For everyone who voted for me. Now that writer' cramp
(PAUSE)
And all those
Even Barbara thinks I'm overly cautious.
Smiley faces.
She says I should take the rear-view mirror
Off my stationary bike.
And it may be time to lift the hiring freeze
On sub-cabinet appointments.
In fact, with so many Senators here,
I might as well announce another appointment.
Assistant Secretary of Defense for Legislative Affairs.
He's tough on dèfense.
He's an strong supporter.
He's Arnold Schwarzenegger.
You can hold a hearing.
But I'd hate to be the guy to vote against him.
But, it is great way to build good will -
like with Corgress.
mayber some in the
8
Congress have gotten one my notes.
Seriously, I bear no grudge about the recent hearings.
And to prove it,
I sent Sam Nunn a basket of fruit.
A few apples, some grapes.
I wish this controversy about harmful apples
Would be cleared up once and for all.
As I sat down to dinner last night, two Secret Service agents
Wrestled my Waldorf Salad to the floor.
All in all, I'd say our administration
Has gotten off to a good start.
The trip to Japan was a big success.
The Japanese were impressed by the fact
That I'm so good at bowing and scraping.
Then I explained what a Vice President does. gets a lot of practice bowing --
And scraping.
Actually, my trip to Japan was very touching.
It was a nostalgic experience,
Visiting our money.
I've been asked if development
of the new FSX fighter with Japan might mean
The sharing of some Pentagon secrets.
Maybe -- but what do we care
If the Japanese suddenly start paying
$600 dollars for a toilet seat.
Nevertheless, I do believe we are on our way
To a kinder, gentler nation.
Especially since Sam Donaldson left the White House.
9
You can't get a break from the media.
Bill Bennett announced he'd stopped smoking.
Next day, the papers called him a quitter.
Bill's taken on the tough job of figuring out
What to do about semi-automatic weapons.
We all know the NRA's position:
Guns don't kill people,
Grapes do.
And of course, if we outlaw all the grapes,
only the outlaws will have grapes.
Still, this whole thing has been confusing.
I have a hard time picturing Southerners
Putting up a fruit pantry in the back window of their pick-ups.
Serrously
I am particularly concerned about the
Crime situation in D.C.
I didn't know how bad it was until I went aboard Marine One
And asked the pilot where to sit.
He said, "Over there, behind the tailgunner."
I went over to Mayor Barry's office
The other day to talk about it, but he wasn't there.
Apparently, the police tipped him off that I was coming.
By the way, someone ought to tell Mayor Barry that
entertainment
The Superfund is not his expense account.
And that the Supercollider is not his limousine.
But we will make him elegable for our new training wage-
Two grapes out of hundreds of thousands. Now
I want to meet those grape inspectors Get them working
dict they use
on this dung thing. Give them some grape suffing dogs
10
You'd think the White House would be safe from crime.
millie
But last night Barbara was headed out the door to walk the dog,
Looked back, and said, "Cover me."
We were meeting in the Oval Office this week
To decide whether to call out the National Guard in D.C.
We had pretty much decided against it
When Dan Quayle stood up and said,
"Come on guys, for a lot of us Guardsmen,
This might be our only chance at combat pay. "
Barbara's told me she's totally opposed
To the availability of assault weapons.
But I told her, "How am I going to take
Microphones and word processors away from reporters?"
One of the problems is defining
Exactly what a "semi-automatic" is.
I'm not so sure myself.
Heck, it sounds to me like
The editorial policy at the Washington Post.
I have to be careful here.
To be fair, when they're wrong,
The Washington Post does run corrections.
For instance, on Page 3 the other day, it said:
"Nothing in last week's Style section was true."
Even my grandkids are starting to pick up
Bad habits from the media.
The other day, one of them asked for a candy bar
And I said "No".
Then she said, "I'd like to ask a follow-up."
11
Campaign-style politics has even come to Moscow.
You can tell they're a little rusty at campaigning.
I saw Boris Yeltsin on television last night:
Sitting in an 18-wheeler, pledging allegiance,
Wearing a policeman's cap and criticizing the pollution
in Odessa Harbor.
I called Yeltsin with a few pointers:
Don't forget to campaign at those coming-out parties
in Siberia.
People wonder whether Gorbachev
Is going to be able to remain in power.
So I called him and asked him.
He said, "Things aren't so bad.
At least I don't have Newt Gingrich after me."
The glasnost and perestroika in Russia today is amazing.
They're openly discussing Stalin's crimes;
Brezhnev's lavish lifestyle.
Coming out next, I hear,
Is a book called, "Lenin Was Lousy at Chess."
We kid about the Soviets. Sorry, Yuri [Dubinin].
But the truth is, the novelty of the embryonic elections in
Moscow this week is yet another reminder of how uncommon our
traditions are.
You may recall Yakov Smirnoff's remark about how they have
freedom of speech in the Soviet Union -- but with America, you
have freedom after you speak. As he puts it: "It's a nice
little feature."
12
Although humor isn't singled out in the First Amendment, as
tonight's friendly competition shows, it's darn near a national
imperative. Americans are supposed to take their
responsibilities seriously -- but not themselves.
You've heard me declare it before: I'm not in Washington to
question anyone's motives. I do not intend to let politics
strain civility, credibility or friendship; it ought not deprive
any of us of a good night's sleep, a partner on the playing
fields, or ruin so much as a game of horseshoes. And when it
does, there's no better antidote than a good laugh, preferably at
one's own expense.
Mark Twain called laughter the "one really effective
weapon," against which no humbug can stand. Amen.
Laughter is part of the magic of America, part of the magic
of our politics and our press. A year from now -- heck, a week
from now -- there'll be all sorts of new material. My
misstatements alone should give you plenty to work with. And
there'll be things yet unthought of, as unlikely as Rushdie's
book or Millie's puppies. I wish you happy hunting. And I wish
you laughter in your work.
Good night, and God bless you all.
###
Dane Demonest
edits
(McNally/Simon)
3/30/89; 7:30 pm
Draft 4
(grid.gb)
PRESIDENTIAL REMARKS: GRIDIRON DINNER
CAPITAL HILTON
SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 1989
Thank you, Larry [O'Roark, Gridiron Club President]
I must say I'm impressed.
This is the largest white tie group I've seen
Since those coming out parties in Iowa.
((IF EVENING IS LONG) ) By the way, next year --
Who do I see
About getting an earlier spot in the show?
((PAUSE))
wenn't
Even the Academy Awards aren't this long.
Have we gotten to best picture yet?
I gotta tell you, though,
After watching XXXX & XXXXXXX
Trying to act and sing tonight,
I have a feeling you may soon be joining
Salman Rushdie in hiding.
Believe me, I know.
Ronald Reagan is a tough act to follow.
Let's face it: If I was funnier than him
I would have won in 1980 ((PAUSE))
And he'd be up here tonight,
Trying to laugh away the Bush deficit.
[I guess the most important thing I've learned
Since becoming President
Is that you can't take criticism too seriously.]
2
[People say I'm indecisive.
Well, I don't know about that.]
People say I lack political courage.
Don't forget. ((FORCEFULLY)
I'm the one who went to the Amish
and told them to "Just say no."
[People say that my agenda's confusing,
My staff's divided,
And you can't follow what's going on.
This from the guys on the McLaughlin Group.]
I'm the one who went back to Yale
To fight against illiteracy.
Boy this is a rough Gowd
(
(SHAKE HEAD) ) Rough night up here.
Some presidential honeymoon.
Hasn't been a honeymoon like this since Mike Tyson's.
But I know how to take a hit.
George Will predicted
That if I got elected,
The sound you'd hear from the Oval Office
Would be "the arf of a lap dog." ((INCREDULOUSLY))
And now Millie goes and proves him right.
[Betrayed by my own dog.
Pretty hard to stare down Gorbachev
When the Leader of the Free World
Gets kicked out of bed
By a pregnant spaniel.]
3
But, I am glad that one of the puppies
Was a boy.
Now Congress will have to be more specific
When they refer to that
S. O. B. in the White House.
You know, some say we got off to a slow start.
Ridiculous.
And I'll deny it in a formal statement
As soon as we hire some speechwriters.
But actually, I think our administration
Has gotten off to a good start.
The trip to Japan was very touching.
It was a nostalgic experience,
Visiting our money.
You've got to have a good staff to make the White House run.
Like Fred McClure up here.
Fred's worked for John Tower and Frank Lorenzo, Ell
Ed Mose
((punchline) )
And I was glad to see you appreciate
Lee Atwater's talents too.
Fred left 26 Mersla staff
Lee's a smart guy. ( (PAUSE) )
He's the first person in history
To go through Howard University
In just three days.
4
Have you seen Lee on stage?
Inauguration week.
The Letterman show.
The sunglasses.
The loud music.
The dancing and the sweat. ((PAUSE))
Now I know what Lee meant
When he said he wanted to lead the Party.
As Lee's often told me,
You can't get a break from the media.
Bill Bennett announced he'd stopped smoking.
Next day, the papers called him a quitter.
Bill's taken on the tough job of figuring out
What to do about semi-automatic weapons.
We all know the NRA's position:
Guns don't kill people,
Grapes do.
And of course, if we outlaw grapes,
only outlaws will have grapes.
[Actually, I wish this controversy about harmful apples
Would be cleared up once and for all.
As I sat down to dinner last night, two Secret Service agents
Wrestled my Waldorf Salad to the floor.]
[Seriously, I am concerned about the
Crime situation in D.C.
I went aboard Marine One
And asked the pilot where to sit.
Back
He said, "Over there, behind the tailgunner."]
5
You'd think the White House would be safe from crime.
But last night Barbara was headed out the door to walk Millie,
Looked back, and said, "Cover me."
to ban
Barbara's told me she's totally opposed
To the availability of assault weapons.
the Bankas what thoughould and ose have
But I told her, "How am I going to take
Microphones and word processors away from reporters?"
askerts
Even my grandkids are starting to pick up
Bad habits from the media.
The other day, one of them asked for a candy bar
And I said "No".
Then she said, "I'd like to ask a follow-up."
Watching you tonight brought back a lot of campaign memories.
But campaign-style politics has even come to Moscow.
You can tell they're not used to campaigning.
I saw Boris Yeltsin on television the other night:
Sitting in an 18-wheeler; pledging allegiance; and
Criticizing the pollution in Odessa Harbor.
I had a feeling Yeltsin would win, though. ((SHORT PAUSE))
Once I found out his opponent had spent a lot of time
In the Red Army -- riding around in Soviet tanks.
People wonder whether Gorbachev
Is going to be able to remain in power.
I talked to him on the phone the other day.
He said, "Things aren't so bad.
At least I don't have Newt Gingrich after me."
6
We do a lot of kidding around in this town -- believe me, I
know, since I'm often the target. But it's important to be able
to laugh. Because even though humor isn't singled out in the
First Amendment, as tonight's friendly competition shows, it's
darn near a national imperative. Americans are supposed to take
their responsibilities seriously -- but not themselves.
Mark Twain called laughter the "one really effective
weapon," against which no humbug can stand. Amen.
Laughter is part of the magic of America, part of the magic
of our politics and our press. A year from now -- heck, a week
from now -- there'll be all sorts of new material. My
misstatements alone should give you plenty to work with. And
there'll be things yet unthought of, as unlikely as Rushdie's
book or Millie's puppies.
I wish you happy hunting. And I wish you laughter in your
work. I promise to do my part -- Remember Pearl Harbor.
Good night, and God bless you all.
###
rehersal version
(McNally/Simon)
3/30/89; 9:00 pm
(gridc1.bnd)
GRIDIRON DINNER
CAPITAL HILTON
SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 1989
Thank you, Larry [O'Roark, Gridiron Club President]
I must say I'm impressed.
This is the largest white tie group I've seen
Since those coming out parties in Iowa.
( (IF EVENING IS LONG) ) By the way, next year --
Who do I see
About getting an earlier spot in the show?
((PAUSE) )
Even the Academy Awards weren't this long.
( (PAUSE) ) Have we gotten to best picture yet?
I gotta tell you, though,
After watching XXXX & XXXXXXX
Trying to act and sing tonight,
I have a feeling you may soon be joining
Salman Rushdie in hiding.
Believe me, I know.
Ronald Reagan is a tough act to follow.
Let's face it: If I was funnier than him
I would have won in 1980 ((PAUSE))
And he'd be up here tonight,
Trying to laugh away the Bush deficit.
[I guess the most important thing I've learned
Since becoming President
Is that you can't take criticism too seriously.]
2
[People say I'm indecisive. ((PAUSE, THEN HESITANTLY))
Well, I don't know about that.]
People say I lack political courage.
Don't forget. ( (FORCEFULLY) )
I'm the one who went to the Amish
and told them to "Just say no."
[People say that my agenda's confusing,
My staff's divided,
And you can't follow what's going on.
This from the guys on the McLaughlin Group.]
I'm the one who went back to Yale
To fight against illiteracy.
( (SHAKE HEAD) ) Boy, this is a rough crowd.
Some presidential honeymoon.
Hasn't been a honeymoon like this since Mike Tyson's.
But I know how to take a hit.
George Will predicted
That if I got elected,
The sound you'd hear from the Oval Office
Would be "the arf of a lap dog. " ( (INCREDULOUSLY))
And now Millie goes and proves him right.
But, I am glad that one of the puppies
Was a boy.
Now Congress will have to be more specific
When they refer to that
S. O. B. in the White House.
3
You know, some say we got off to a slow start.
Ridiculous.
And I'll deny it in a formal statement
As soon as we hire some speechwriters.
But actually, I think our administration
Has gotten off to a good start.
The trip to Japan was very touching.
It was a nostalgic experience,
Visiting our money.
You've got to have a good staff
to make the White House run.
Like Fred McClure up here.
Fred's worked for Ed Meese, John Tower and Frank Lorenzo.
( (punchline) )
And I was glad to see you appreciate
Lee Atwater's talents too.
Lee's a smart guy. ( (PAUSE) )
He's the first person in history
To go through Howard University
In just three days.
4
Have you seen Lee on stage?
Inauguration week.
The Letterman show.
The sunglasses.
The loud music.
The dancing and the sweat. ((PAUSE))
Now I know what Lee meant
When he said he wanted to lead the Party.
As Lee's often told me,
You can't get a break from the media.
Bill Bennett announced he'd stopped smoking.
Next day, the papers called him a quitter.
Bill's taken on the tough job of figuring out
What to do about semi-automatic weapons.
We all know the NRA's position:
Guns don't kill people, Grapes do.
And of course, if we outlaw grapes,
only outlaws will have grapes.
[Actually, I wish this controversy about harmful apples
Would be cleared up once and for all.
As I sat down to dinner last night, two Secret Service agents
Wrestled my Waldorf Salad to the floor.]
[Seriously, I am concerned about the
Crime situation in D.C.
I went aboard Marine One
And asked the pilot where to sit.
He said, "Back there, behind the gunner."]
5
You'd think the White House would be safe from crime.
But last night Barbara was headed out the door to walk Millie,
Looked back, and said, "Cover me."
Barbara's told me to ban assault weapons.
What should have been banned
were those last three skits. ((PAUSE))
But seriously, I told her, "How am I going to take
Microphones and word processors away from reporters?"
Even my grandkids are starting to pick up
Bad habits from the media.
The other day, one of them asked for a candy bar
And I said "No".
Then she said, "I'd like to ask a follow-up."
Watching you tonight brought back
A lot of campaign memories.
Campaign-style politics has even come to Moscow.
You can tell they're not used to campaigning.
I saw Boris Yeltsin on television the other night:
Sitting in an 18-wheeler; pledging allegiance; and
Criticizing the pollution in Odessa Harbor.
I had a feeling Yeltsin would win, though.
Once I found out his opponent had spent a lot of time
In the Red Army -- riding around in Soviet tanks.
People wonder whether Gorbachev
Is going to be able to remain in power.
I talked to him on the phone the other day.
He said, "Things aren't so bad.
At least I don't have Newt Gingrich after me."
6
We do a lot of kidding around in this town -- believe me, I
know, since I'm often the target. But it's important to be able
to laugh. Because even though humor isn't singled out in the
First Amendment, as tonight's friendly competition shows, it's
darn near a national imperative. Americans are supposed to take
their responsibilities seriously -- but not themselves.
Mark Twain called laughter the "one really effective
weapon," against which no humbug can stand. Amen.
Laughter is part of the magic of America, part of the magic
of our politics and our press. A year from now -- heck, a week
from now -- there'll be all sorts of new material. My
misstatements alone should give you plenty to work with. And
there'll be things yet unthought of, as unlikely as Rushdie's
book or Millie's puppies.
I wish you happy hunting. And I wish you laughter in your
work. I promise to do my part -- Remember Pearl Harbor.
Good night, and God bless you all.
###
6B final edits
(McNally/Simon)
3/30/89; 9:00 pm
(gridcl.bnd)
GRIDIRON DINNER
CAPITAL HILTON
SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 1989
Thank you, Larry [O'Roark, Gridiron Club President]
I must say I'm impressed.
This is the largest white tie group I've seen
Since those coming out parties in Iowa.
(IF EVENING IS LONG) By the way, next year un ?
Who do I see
About getting an earlier spot in the show?
((PAUSE))
Even the Academy Awards weren't this long.
(ASIDE) MAUSEN Have we gotten to best picture yet?
I gotta tell you, though,
After watching XXXX & XXXXXXX
Trying to act and sing tonight,
I have a feeling you may soon be joining
Salman Rushdie in hiding.
Believe me,n though, I knowx what its like to follow
Ronald Reagan is a tough act, to follow
Let's face it: If I was funnier than him Ronald Reagan
I would have won in 1980 ((PAUSE))
And he'd be up here tonight
Trying to laugh away the Bush deficit.
2
I guess the most important thing I've learned
Since becoming President
Is that you can't take criticism too seriously.
2
Forexample,
[People say I'm indecisive. ((PAUSE, THEN HESITANTLY) )
Well, I don't know about that.
People say I lack political courage.
Don't forget. (FORCEFULLY) )
I'm the one who went to the Amish
and told them to "Just say no."
People say that my agenda's confusing,
My staff's divided,
And you can't follow what's going on.
?
This from the guys on the McLaughlin Group
I'm the one who went back to Yale
To fight against illiteracy.
( (SHAKE HEAD) ) Boy, this is a rough crowd.
Some presidential honeymoon.
Hasn't been a honeymoon like this since Mike Tyson's.
But I know how to take a hit.
George Will predicted
That if I got elected, 2,
The sound you'd hear from the Oval Office
Would be (lookaround] "the arf of a lap dog." ( (INCREDULOUSLY)) (Pause)
And now Millie goes and proves him right.
[Betrayed by my own dog.
Pretty hard to stare down Gorbachev
When the Leader of the Free World
Gets kicked out of bed
By a pregnant spaniel.]
3
But, I am glad that one of the puppies
Was a boy.
Now Congress will have to be more specific
When they refer to that
S. O. B. in the White House.
resert 3:4
You know, some say we got off to a slow start.
Ridiculous.
And I'll deny it in a formal statement
As soon as we hire some speechwriters.
But actually, I think our administration
Has gotten off to a good start.
The trip to Japan was very touching.
It was a nostalgic experience,
Visiting
You've got to have a good staff
to make the White House run.
Like Fred McClure up here.
Fred's worked for Ed Meese, John Tower and Frank Lorenzo. (Pause)
((punchline)) I always consu It free whenever
I want torch someone the wrong way.
And I was glad to see you appreciate
Lee Atwater's talents too.
Lee's a smart guy. ((PAUSE))
He's the first person in history
To go through Howard University
In just three days.
4
Have you seen Lee on stage?
Inauguration week.
The Letterman show.
The sunglasses.
The loud music.
The dancing and the sweat. ((PAUSE))
Now I know what Lee meant
When he said he wanted to lead the Party.
As Lee's often told me,
You can't get a break from the media.
Bill Bennett announced he'd stopped smoking.
Next day, the papers called him a quitter.
mort 2
Bill's taken on the tough job of figuring out
What to do about semi-automatic weapons.
We all know the NRA's position:
Guns don't kill people, Grapes do.
And of course, if we outlaw grapes,
only outlaws will have grapes.
[Actually, I wish this controversy about harmful apples
Would be cleared up once and for all.
As I sat down to dinner last night, two Secret Service agents
Wrestled my Waldorf Salad to the floor.]
Seriously, I am concerned about the
Crime situation in D.C.
I went aboard Marine One
And asked the pilot where to sit.
He said, "Back there, behind the twice gunner.
5
You'd think the White House would be safe from crime.
But last night Barbara was headed out the door to walk Millie,
Looked back, and said, "Cover me."
Barbara's told me to ban assault weapons.
move
What should have been banned
#1
were those last three skits. ((PAUSE))
But seriously, I told her, "How am I going to take
Microphones and word processors away from reporters?"
Even my grandkids are starting to pick up
Bad habits from the media.
#2
The other day, one of them asked for a candy bar
And I said "No".
Then she said, "I'd like to ask a follow-up."
Watching you tonight brought back
A lot of campaign memories.
Campaign-style politics has even come to Moscow.
#3
You can tell they're not used to campaigning.
I saw Boris Yeltsin on television the other night:
Sitting in an 18-wheeler; pledging allegiance; and
Criticizing the pollution in Odessa Harbor.
#4
I had a feeling Yeltsin would (Russian win, name though. ? Tengemy Brakov
Once I found out his opponent had spent a lot of time
In the Red Army riding around in Soviet tanks.
People wonder whether Gorbachev
Is going to be able to remain in power.
I talked to him on the phone the other day.
He said, "Things aren't so bad.
At least I don't have Newt Gingrich after me."
6
We do a lot of kidding around in this town. believe me, I
know, since I'm often the target. But it's important to be able
to laugh. Because even though humor isn't singled out in the
First Amendment, as tonight's friendly competition shows, it's
darn near a national imperative. Americans are supposed to take
their responsibilities seriously -- but not themselves.
Mark Twain called laughter the "one really effective
weapon," against which no humbug can stand. Amen.
Laughter is part of the magic of America, part of the magic
of our politics and our press. A year from now -- heck, a week
from now -- there'll be all sorts of new material. My
misstatements alone should give you plenty to work with. And
there'll be things yet unthought of, as unlikely as
Rushdie's imported grapes
book or Millie's puppies.
twitd
I wish you happy hunting. And I wish you laughter in your
work. I promise to do my part -- Remember Pearl Harbor.
Good night, and God bless you all.
###
(McNally/Simon)
3/27/89; 12:00 pm
Draft 2
(grid.dd)
PRESIDENTIAL REMARKS: GRIDIRON DINNER
CAPITAL HILTON
SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 1989
Thank you, Larry [O'Roark, Gridiron Club President]
Your kind words are appreciated,
But entirely unnecessary.
It's nice just to be invited out
For something other than an overseas funeral.
Still, I'm impressed.
This is the largest white tie group I've seen
Since those coming out parties in Iowa.
Larry told me earlier that Bob Dole had called
To make sure that Washington's Power Couple
Would be invited to the Gridiron.
Larry said, "Of course." He'd already invited the Mosbachers.
I thought the world's toughest editor-in-chief
Might be here.
But I see the Ayatollah couldn't make it.
I've been asked to read an announcement: ((PAUSE))
All door prize winners:
Please see Nick Brady
About picking up your free S & L.
By the way, next year --
Who do I see
About getting an earlier spot in the show.
Even the Academy Awards aren't this long.
2
I gotta tell you, though,
After watching members of the media
Trying to act and sing tonight,
I have a feeling you may soon be joining
Salman Rushdie in hiding.
Seriously though, your performances really registered. ( (PAUSE))
On the Misery Index.
Really, though, I've enjoyed every minute of it.
But you know me. ( (PAUSE) )
I know how to wait in the wings.
And, Ronald Reagan is a tough act to follow.
Let's face it:
If I was funnier than him
I would have won in 1980 --
And he'd be up here tonight,
Trying to laugh away the Bush deficit.
I can't stay very long tonight.
My old friend Jerry Ford
Is coming over in the morning to play horseshoes,
And I'm going to be up half the night
Boarding up the White House windows.
In preparing for tonight,
I noticed on the calendar
That it was 90 years ago today
That the battleship Maine was sunk
When the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor
((PAUSE))
Wait a minute. ( (PAUSE) )
I may have that date wrong.
3
Rough night up here.
Some presidential honeymoon.
Hasn't been a honeymoon like this since Mike Tyson's.
I guess the most important thing I've learned
Since becoming President
Is that you can't take criticism too seriously.
People say I'm indecisive.
Well, I don't know about that.
People say I lack political courage.
Don't forget. ( (FORCEFULLY))
I'm the one who went to the Amish
and told them to "Just say no."
I'm the one who went back to Yale
To fight against illiteracy.
People say that my agenda's confusing,
My staff's divided,
And you can't follow what's going on.
This from the guys on the McLaughlin Group.
Even Barbara thinks I'm overly cautious.
She says I should take the rear-view mirror
Off my exercise bike.
People say I'm inart-, inartic-, Antarctic, ((GIVE UP))
That I can't speak well.
Well, that's, you know, I just don't think that's,
Well, -- no way. Hey, just get that outta here. ((PAUSE))
4
( (QUIETLY) ) But I want my money back from Ailes.
As president, I was looking forward to
Receiving some honorary degrees.
Andover and Yale called.
They want theirs back.
But I know how to take a hit.
George Will predicted
That if I got elected,
The sound you'd hear from the Oval Office
Would be "the arf of a lap dog."
And now Millie goes and proves him right.
Betrayed by my own dog.
Pretty hard to stare down Gorbachev
When the Leader of the Free World
Gets kicked out of bed
By a pregnant spaniel.
I don't know why Millie had to
Go get pregnant in the first place.
I should have used my authority to order a
60-day cooling-off period.
Maybe you heard --
Millie's mate was a sire named
"Tug Farrish the Third." [Tug III]
Just what I need to shed my preppy image --
Puppies with Roman numerals after their names.
5
still, I'm glad that one of the puppies
Was a boy.
Now Congress will have to be more specific
When they refer to that
S.O.B. in the White House.
Congress should be warned, though.
I can play rough if I need to.
Remember all those photos I took
of Congressmen in the Lincoln Bedroom.
I've still got the negatives.
I'm not the only one from the Lone Star State
Who's catching flak.
Baker. Bentsen. Mosbacher. Gramm. Wright. Cavazos.
At the White House there's Bates, McClure, Untermeyer and
Cicconi.
Had enough, Washington? ((LOUD AND SLOW) )
READ MY LIPS: NO NEW TEXANS.
The key is knowing your aides.
Like Fred McClure up here.
He's worked for Ed Meese, John Tower, and Frank Lorenzo.
When I go to the track,
I ask Fred's advice ( (PAUSE) )
And then bet on the other horses.
I guess you all have heard about the sequel
They're making for "Rain Man. "
It's about a White House official who travels across the country
With a reporter,
Talking on background the whole way.
It's called "Dar-Man."
6
Then there's that great autobiographical flick
About John Sununu --
It's called "The Last Emperor."
Then there's Lee Atwater.
Lee's a smart guy. ((PAUSE))
He's the first person in history
To go through Howard University
In just three days.
Have you seen Lee on stage?
Inauguration week.
The Letterman show.
The sunglasses.
The loud music.
The dancing and the sweat. ((PAUSE))
Now I know what Lee meant
When he said he wanted to lead the Party.
We should all just be grateful
Lee never learned to play the accordion.
Some say we got off to a slow start.
Ridiculous.
And I'll deny it in a formal statement
As soon as we hire some speechwriters.
December and January were rough,
Forty-two million handwritten thank you's
Now that's writer's cramp. ((PAUSE))
And all those smiley faces.
7
But, it is a great way to build good will,
-- like with Congress.
Seriously, I bear no grudge about the recent hearings.
And to prove it,
I sent Sam Nunn a basket of fruit.
A few apples, some grapes.
I wish this controversy about harmful apples
Would be cleared up once and for all.
As I sat down to dinner last night, two Secret Service agents
Wrestled my Waldorf Salad to the floor.
All in all, I'd say our administration
Has gotten off to a good start.
The trip to Japan was a big success.
The Japanese were impressed by the fact
That I'm so good at bowing and scraping.
Then I explained what a Vice President does.
Actually, my trip to Japan was very touching.
It was a nostalgic experience,
Visiting our money.
I've been asked if development
Of the new FSX fighter with Japan might mean
The sharing of some Pentagon secrets.
Maybe -- but what do we care
If the Japanese suddenly start paying
$600 dollars for a toilet seat.
8
Nevertheless, I do believe we are on our way
To a kinder, gentler nation.
Especially since Sam Donaldson left the White House.
You can't get a break from the media.
Bill Bennett announced he'd stopped smoking.
Next day, the papers called him a quitter.
Bill's taken on the tough job of figuring out
What to do about semi-automatic weapons.
We all know the NRA's position:
Guns don't kill people,
Grapes do.
And of course, if we outlaw grapes,
only outlaws will have grapes.
Still, this whole thing has been confusing.
I have a hard time picturing Southerners
Putting up a fruit pantry in the back window of their pick-ups.
Two grapes out of hundreds of thousands.
I want to meet those grape inspectors.
Get them working on this drug thing.
Or did they use grape-sniffing dogs.
Seriously, I am concerned about the
Crime situation in D.C.
I went aboard Marine One
And asked the pilot where to sit.
He said, "Over there, behind the tailgunner."
9
I went over to Mayor Barry's office
The other day to talk about it, but he wasn't there.
Apparently, the police tipped him off that I was coming.
By the way, someone ought to tell Mayor Barry that
The Superfund is not his entertainment account.
And that the Supercollider is not his limousine.
You'd think the White House would be safe from crime.
But last night Barbara was headed out the door to walk Millie,
Looked back, and said, "Cover me."
We were meeting in the Oval Office this week
To decide whether to call out the National Guard in D.C.
We had pretty much decided against it
When Dan Quayle stood up and said,
"Come on guys, for a lot of us Guardsmen,
This might be our only chance at combat pay. "
Barbara's told me she's totally opposed
To the availability of assault weapons.
But I told her, "How am I going to take
Microphones and word processors away from reporters?"
One of the problems is defining
Exactly what a "semi-automatic" is.
I'm not so sure myself.
Heck, it sounds to me like
The editorial policy at the Washington Post.
10
I have to be careful here.
To be fair, when they're wrong,
The Washington Post does run corrections.
But I'm still waiting for the day when I see on Page 3,
Correction: "Nothing in last week's Style section was true."
Even my grandkids are starting to pick up
Bad habits from the media.
The other day, one of them asked for a candy bar
And I said "No".
Then she said, "I'd like to ask a follow-up."
Campaign-style politics has even come to Moscow.
You can tell they're a little rusty at campaigning.
I saw Boris Yeltsin on television last night:
Sitting in an 18-wheeler, pledging allegiance,
Wearing a policeman's cap and criticizing the pollution
in Odessa Harbor.
I called Yeltsin with a few pointers:
Don't forget to campaign at those coming-out parties
in Siberia.
People wonder whether Gorbachev
Is going to be able to remain in power.
So I called him and asked him.
He said, "Things aren't so bad.
At least I don't have Newt Gingrich after me."
11
The glasnost and perestroika in Russia today is amazing.
They're openly discussing Stalin's crimes;
Brezhnev's lavish lifestyle.
Coming out next, I hear,
Is a book called, "Lenin Was Lousy at Chess."
We kid about the Soviets. Sorry, Yuri [Dubinin].
But the truth is, the novelty of the embryonic elections in
Moscow this week is yet another reminder of how uncommon our
traditions are.
You may recall Yakov Smirnoff's remark about how they have
freedom of speech in the Soviet Union -- but with America, you
have freedom after you speak. As he puts it: "It's a nice
little feature."
Although humor isn't singled out in the First Amendment, as
tonight's friendly competition shows, it's darn near a national
imperative. Americans are supposed to take their
responsibilities seriously -- but not themselves.
You've heard me declare it before: I'm not in Washington to
question anyone's motives. I do not intend to let politics
strain civility, credibility or friendship; it ought not deprive
any of us of a good night's sleep, a partner on the playing
fields, or ruin so much as a game of horseshoes. And when it
does, there's no better antidote than a good laugh, preferably at
one's own expense.
Mark Twain called laughter the "one really effective
weapon,' against which no humbug can stand. Amen.
12
Laughter is part of the magic of America, part of the magic
of our politics and our press. A year from now -- heck, a week
from now -- there'll be all sorts of new material. My
misstatements alone should give you plenty to work with. And
there'll be things yet unthought of, as unlikely as Rushdie's
book or Millie's puppies. I wish you happy hunting. And I wish
you laughter in your work.
Good night, and God bless you all.
###
(McNally/Simon)
3/31/89; 5 pm
(gridc1.bnd)
GRIDIRON DINNER
CAPITAL HILTON
SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 1989
Thank you, Larry [O'Roark, Gridiron Club President]
I must say I'm impressed.
This is the largest white tie group I've seen
Since those coming out parties in Iowa.
By the way, next year
Who do I see
About getting an earlier spot in the show?
( (PAUSE) ) Even the Academy Awards weren't this long.
( (ASIDE) ) Have we gotten to best picture yet?
Barbara's told me to ban assault weapons.
What should have been banned
were those last three skits.
Believe me, though, I know what it's like to
Follow a tough act.
Let's face it: If I was funnier than Ronald Reagan
I would have won in 1980 ( (PAUSE) )
And he'd be up here tonight
Trying to laugh away the BUSH deficit.
I guess the most important thing I've learned
Since becoming President
Is that you can't take criticism too seriously.
For example, people say I'm indecisive. ((PAUSE, THEN
HESITANTLY)) Well, I don't know about that.
2
People say I lack political courage.
Don't forget. ( (FORCEFULLY) )
I'm the one who went to the Amish
and told them to "Just -- say -- no."
People say that my agenda's confusing,
My staff's divided,
And you can't follow what's going on.
This from the guys on the McLaughlin Group?
But I know how to take a hit.
George Will predicted
That if I got elected,
The sound you'd hear from the Oval Office
Would be ( (LOOK AROUND) ) "the arf of a lap dog.' ((PAUSE, THEN
INCREDULOUSLY) )
And now Millie goes and proves him right.
But, I am glad that one of the puppies
Was a boy.
Now Congress will have to be more specific
When they refer to that
S. O. B. in the White House.
Watching you tonight brought back
A lot of campaign memories.
Campaign-style politics has even come to Moscow.
You can tell they're not used to campaigning.
I saw Boris Yeltsin on television the other night:
Sitting in an 18-wheeler; pledging allegiance; and
Criticizing the pollution in Odessa Harbor.
3
I had a feeling Yeltsin would win, though.
Once I found out his opponent, Brakov,
Had spent a lot of time riding around in a tank.
Actually, I think our administration
Has gotten off to a good start.
The trip to Japan was very touching.
It was a nostalgic experience,
Visiting our money.
You've got to have a good staff
to make the White House run.
Like Fred McClure up here.
Fred's worked for Ed Meese, John Tower,
And Frank Lorenzo. ( (PAUSE) )
I always consult Fred whenever I want to
Rub someone the wrong way.
And I was glad to see you appreciate
Lee Atwater's talents too.
Lee's a smart guy. ((PAUSE))
He's the first person in history
To go through Howard University
In just three days.
Have you seen Lee on stage?
Inauguration week
The Letterman show.
The sunglasses
The loud music.
The dancing and the sweat. ( (PAUSE) )
Now I know what Lee meant
When he said he wanted to lead the Party.
4
As Lee's often told me,
You can't get a break from the media.
Bill Bennett announced he'd stopped smoking.
Next day, the papers called him a quitter.
Even my grandkids are starting to pick up
Bad habits from the media.
The other day, one of them asked for a candy bar
And I said "No".
Then she said, "I'd like to ask a follow-up."
Bill's taken on the tough job of figuring out
What to do about semi-automatio weapons.
We all know the NRA's position:
Guns don't kill people, Grapes do.
And of course, if we outlaw grapes,
only outlaws will have grapes.
Seriously, I am concerned about the
Crime situation in D.C.
I went aboard Marine One
And asked the pilot where to sit.
He said, "Back there, behind the tailgunner."
( (LAST JOKE:))
You'd think the White House would be safe from crime.
But last night Barbara was headed out the door
To walk Millie,
Looked back, and said, "Cover me."
We do a lot of kidding around in this town. But it's
important to be able to laugh.
5
Because even though humor isn't singled out in the First
Amendment, as tonight's friendly competition shows, it's darn
near a national imperative. Americans are supposed to take their
responsibilities seriously -- but not themselves.
Mark Twain called laughter the "one really effective
weapon," against which no humbug can stand. Amen.
Laughter is part of the magic of America, part of the magic
of our politics and our press. A year from now -- heck, a week
from now -- there'll be all sorts of new material. My
misstatements alone should give you plenty to work with. And
there'll be things yet unthought of, as unlikely as tainted
grapes or Millie's puppies.
I wish you happy hunting. And I wish you laughter in your
work. I promise to do my part -- Remember Pearl Harbor.
Good night, and God bless you all.
# # #
THE GRIDIRON DINNER
(UNLIKE OTHER DRAFTS, THESE ARE THE REALLY FUNNY JOKES)
The Grape Jokes:
As a life member of the NRA, you know how I feel:
Guns don't kill. Grapes do.
Besides, if we outlaw all the grapes, only the outlaws will
have grapes.
And think of all the Southerners who'll have grape racks in
the back windows of their pick-up trucks.
Isn't it amazing that the grape inspectors found just two
poisoned grapes out of hundreds of thousands of tons of them? I
think we should put the grape inspectors on drug detail, since
our drug agents are having such a hard time. We could give them
grape-sniffing dogs
Arm them with assault grapes
I see you didn't think that last joke was very funny. It's
alright. I bet Pete Rose you wouldn't laugh.
The Mayor Barry jokes:
Somebody's got to tell Mayor Barry that Superfund isn't his
entertainment account. And that the "supercollider" isn't his
limosine.
I think it's wonderful that the Mayor likes our minimum wage
proposal. And isn't it great that he qualifies for that training
wage?
You know, I didn't realize how bad the crime in D.C. was
until the other day, when I got on board my helicopter, Marine
One. I asked the pilot where I should sit. He said, "Behind the
gunner, sir."
Barbara went out to walk the dog one night last week.
Pretty dangerous, you might think. But it was okay. Before she
left, she said, "Cover me."
I know there's been some talk around town about bringing in
the National Guard to deal with the crime problem in D.C. Well,
I can say with certainty that Dan Quayle says if called, he'll
serve. In fact, he's been ready to serve for the last 15 years.
I believe that action is needed in dealing with this
problem. So I went last week to meet with Mayor Barry. But when
I got to his office, he was gone. Apparently, the police had
tipped him off that I was coming.
DOUG GAMBLE
424 . 36th Place
Manhattan Beach, CA 90266
March 23/89
(213) 546-6409
TO: CHRIS WINSTON
MATERIAL FOR PRESIDENT BUSH - 1989 GRIDIRON DINNER
IN MY INAUGURAL ADDRESS t SAID A NEW BREEZE is BLOWING, AND 1 CERTAINLY EXPECT
TO BREAK SOME NEW WIND TONIGHT.
I HAVEN'T SEEN so MANY PEOPLE DRESSED UP LIKE THIS SINCE THE LAST TIME JACK
KENT COOKE HELD A GARAGE SALE
I TOLD LEE ATWATER I WANTED ONE OF THE PEOPLE MOST RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ELECTION
VICTORY TO SIT UP HERE AT THE HEAD TABLE LEE SAID "DO YOU THINK WILLIE HORTON
HAS A TUX?"
AFTER WATCHING MEMBERS OF THE MEDIA TRYING TO ACT AND SING TONIGHT, I HAVE A
FEELING YOU MAY SOON BE JOINING SALMAN RUSHDIE IN HIDING.
THE ENTERTAINMENT YOU PROVIDED TONIGHT REALLY AROUSED SOMETHING UNEXPECTED IN ME.
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D FIND MYSELF PEELING NOSTALGIC FOR "THE GONG SHOW."
SERIOUSLY THOUGH, YOUR PERFORMANCES REALLY REGISTERED. (PAUSE) ON THE MISERY INDEX.
MORE
6 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: CHRIS WINSTON - GRIDIRON (CONT'D)
I WANT TO USE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO DENY THE RIDICULOUS ACCUSATIONS THAT WE'VE
BEEN SLOW IN STAFFING THE ADMINISTRATION. ACTUALLY, I'D LIKE TO DENY IT IN
A FORMAL STATEMENT, BUT WE HAVEN'T HIRED ANY SPEECHWRITERS YET.
JOHN SUNUNU ARRANGED OUR TRANSPORTATION TONIGHT, AND ON THE WAY OVER IN THE
CAR I TOLD BARBARA I'D USE THIS EVENT TO EMPHASIZE THE FACT THAT THERE'S NO
CONFUSION IN MY ADMINISTRATION. SHE SAID "THAT'S NICE, BUT THE GRIDIRON IS
AT THE CAPITAL HILTON AND WE'RE HEADING OVER THE BRIDGE INTO VIRGINIA."
I'M CONFIDENT WE'RE GOING TO GET AMERICA'S FISCAL PROBLEMS UNDER CONTROL, AND
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, JUST ASK MY NEW BUDGET CONSULTANT -- FRANK LORENZO.
AND I DENY THAT AMERICA IS A DECLINING COUNTRY. I HOPE TO VERIFY THIS PERSONALLY
WHEN I START OUT NEXT WEEK ON A FACT-FINDING TOUR OF ALL 36 STATES.
I THOUGHT MY TRIP TO JAPAN WAS A BIG SUCCESS. THE JAPANESE WERE IMPRESSED BY
*
THE FACT THAT I'M so GOOD AT BOWING AND I EXPLAINED I'D BEEN VICE PRESIDENT FOR
8 YEARS.
ACTUALLY, MY TRIP TO JAPAN WAS VERY TOUCHING. IT WAS A NOSTALGIC EXPERIENCE,
*
VISITING OUR MONEY.
I'VE BEEN ASKED IF DEVELOPMENT OF THE NEW FSX FIGHTER WITH JAPAN MIGHT MEAN THE
P
SHARING OF SOME PENTAGON SECRETS. MAYBE, BUT WHAT DO WE CARE IF THE JAPANESE
SUDDENLY START PAYING 600-DOLLARS FOR A TOILET SEAT?
MORE
- 3 -
DOUG GA
TO: CHRIS WINSTON - GRIDIRON (CONT'D)
SOME SAY MY FIRST TRIP ABROAD WAS OVERSHADOWED BY THE JOHN TOWER CO
FOR THE RECORD, I DON'T THINK I MADE A MISTAKE BY REFUSING - TO TO TWIST
THE VOTE. MY MISTAKE WAS 1N NOT ASKING ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER TO TW
I'M GLAD WE CAN COUNT ON SENATOR BENTSEN'S SUPPORT FROM TIME TO TIMI
BROUGHT THE SAME SUCCESS TO JOHN TOWER AS HE DID TO MIKE DUKAKIS.
I GUESS EVERYONE WAS THRILLED ABOUT OUR DOG MILLIE AND HER LITTER 01
I SHOULD POINT OUT THAT MILLIE HASN T BEEN CONFIRMED YET AS OFFICIAL
HOUSE DOG, BUT SAM NUNN PROMISES QUICK CONSIDERATION. (PAUSE)
BUT FIRST HE WANTS THE NAME AND A BACKGROUND CHECK ON THE FATHER OF
&
1 DON'T KNOW WHY MILLIE HAD TO GO GET PREGNANT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
MY AUTHORITY TO ORDER A 60-DAY COOLING OFF PERIOD WHEN I REALLY NEEi
THERE'S DISAGREEMENT AT THE WHITE HOUSE OVER HOW EDUCATED WE WANT TH
BARBARA WANTS THEM HOUSEBROKEN ON 'USA TODAY, BUT I PREFER "THE WAL
JOURNAL. "
I WAS HOPING THE WORLD'S MOST POWERFUL EDITOR-IN-CHIEF MIGHT BE HERE
BUT APPARENTLY THE AYATOLLAH COULDN'T MAKE IT.
I HEAR SALMAN RUSHDIE FOUND AN INGENIOUS WAY TO LAY LOW AND MAKE SUF
X
ANY ATTENTION TO HIM. HE'S DISGUISED HIMSELF AS DAN QUAYLE.
MORE
000G GANDLE
TO: CHRIS WINSTON - GRIDIRON (CONT'D)
THE IDEA OF A POWERFUL FIGURE PUTTING OUT A CONTRACT ON SOMEONE HE DISAGREES
WITH IS INTOLERABLE. BUT I'M CONFIDENT THAT BRYANT GUMBEL WILL SOON WITHDRAW
HIS CONTRACT ON WILLARD SCOTT.
BARBARA EMPHASIZED TO ME YESTERDAY THAT SHE'S TOTALLY OPPOSED TO THE AVAILABILITY
OF ASSAULT WEAPONS. BUT I TOLD HER "I JUST CAN'T TAKE WORD PROCESSORS AND
MICROPHONES AWAY FROM REPORTERS."
I IM SORRY I MISSED THE RADIO & TV CORRESPONDENTS DINNER A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO,
BUT MY MIND WAS ALREADY MADE UP. I WASN GOING TO ATTEND AN EVENT WHERE PEOPLE
TELL JOKES AND HAVE A GOOD TIME, ON THE VERY ANNIVERSARY OF PEARL HARBOR DAY.
MY GRANDKIDS ARE LEARNING A LITTLE TOO MUCH FROM YOU FOLKS IN THE MEDIA. THE
48
OTHER DAY, ONE OF THEM ASKED FOR PERMISSION TO CROSS THE STREET ALONE (or to stay
up late) AND I SAID "NO." THEN HE SAID "I'D LIKE TO ASK A FOLLOW-UP."
I'M GLAD I FINALLY BROKE THE HABIT OF REFERRING TO MOST TV CORRESPONDENTS AS "DAN."
ALTHOUGH, WHEN I WAS TALKING TO DAN RATHER THE OTHER NIGHT, I ACCIDENTALLY CALLED
HIM "MR. CHUNG."
I WAS so PROUD OF THE PEOPLE OF EL SALVADOR WHEN I SAW A TAPE OF THEM ON THE NEWS,
DODGING BULLETS ON THEIR WAY INTO THE VOTING PLACE. THEN BARBARA SAID "WAIT,
THOSE AREN'T SALVADORANS, THEY'RE 'RE U.S. CONGRESSMEN ON THEIR WAY TO WORK."
MORE
0000 GAMBLE
TO: CHRIS WINSTON - GRIDIRON (CONT'D)
WHEN BORIS YELTSIN WAS CAMPAIGNING FOR A PARLIAMENTARY SEAT IN THE SOVIET UNION,
HE ASKED ME FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO WIN AN ELECTION. I TOLD HIM TO MENTION
SOMETHING ABOUT DEBUTANTES AND COMING-OUT PARTIES IN SIBERIA.
MAYBE YELTSIN HAS LEARNED SOMETHING FROM US AFTER ALL. I SAW A CLIP OF HIM ON
THE SOVIET NEWS, AND HE WAS SITTING IN THE CAB OF AN 18-WHEELER, PLEDGING
&
ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG, WEARING A POLICEMAN'S CAP AND CRITICIZING GORBACHEV FOR
POLLUTION IN ODESSA HARBOR.
SOMEONE ASKED ME IF I'LL SOON BE HAVING A SUMMIT MEETING TO HEAD OFF ANY PROSPECT
OF OLD MISUNDERSTANDINGS AND HOSTILITIES FLARING UP AGAIN. YES, I HOPE TO MEET
WITH ALAN GREENSPAN ANY DAY NOW.
CONGRATULATIONS TO NEWT GINGRICH FOR HIS ELECTION AS HOUSE MINORITY WHIP, DESPITE
THE UNFAIR CHARGES THAT HE'S A SO-CALLED "BOMB THROWER." I PHONED HIM AT HOME TO
WISH HIM WELL, BUT HE WAS BUSY IN THE GARAGE MAKING A MOLOTOV COCKTAIL.
I WANT TO ANNOUNCE TONIGHT THAT 'VE APPOINTED THREE OF MY SONS TO A SPECIAL
COMMISSION. THEIR MANDATE IS TO ROOT OUT ANY TRACES OF NEPOTISM IN THIS
ADMINISTRATION.
NOT ONLY AM I EXCITED ABOUT GEORGE W. BUSH'S ASSOCIATION WITH THE TEXAS RANGERS,
BUT I LOVE THE GREAT AMERICAN PASTTIME EVEN WHEN IT'S PLAYED BY NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS.
THERE'S NOTHING LIKE THE SOUND OF A JAPANESE BAT HITTING A KOREAN BALL INTO A
TAIWANESE GLOVE.
MORE
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: CHRIS WINSTON a GRIDIRON (CONT'D)
I HAVE TO GIVE JESSE JACKSON A LOT OF CREDIT FOR HIS COMMITMENT TO THE DOWN-AND-
OUT IN OUR SOCIETY. WHEREVER YOU FIND THE HOPELESS, THE DOWNTRODDEN AND THE
DESTITUTE, YOU'LL FIND JESSE. IN FACT, HEAR HE VISITED AN S&L JUST YESTERDAY.
BOB DOLE CALLED ME AND SAID "ELIZABETH AND I CERTAINLY HOPE THAT WASHINGTON'S
x
POWER COUPLE
15 GETTING AN INVITATION TO THE GRIDIRON." I TOLD HIM
I'D PHONE THE MOSBACHERS AND ASK THEM.
I WISH THIS CONTROVERSY ABOUT HARMFUL APPLES WOULD BE CLEARED UP ONCE AND FOR ALL.
X
AS I SAT DOWN TO DINNER LAST NIGHT, SIX SECRET SERVICEMEN WRESTLED MY WALDORF SALAD
TO THE FLOOR.
I THINK 1 I'VE COME UP WITH A KINDER, GENTLER WAY TO HUNT WILD ANIMALS. INSTEAD OF
SHOOTING THEM, YOU THROW APPLES AND GRAPES AT THEM.
I WASN'T SURE IF I'D BE ANY GOOD TONIGHT. 1 JUST DIDN'T KNOW IF I'D BE IN THE
MODE OF DOING THE HUMOR THING.
1 CAN'T STAY ANY LONGER. MY OLD FRIEND JERRY FORD IS COMING OVER TOMORROW MORNING
X
TO PLAY HORSESHOES, AND I'M GOING TO BE UP HALF THE NIGHT BOARDING UP THE WHITE
HOUSE WINDOWS.
DURING THE CAMPAIGN I OFTEN REFERRED TO THE "L" WORD. HOW FORTUNATE WE ARE TONIGHT
TO HAVE SHARED ONE OF THE GREATEST "L" WORDS OF ALL -- -- LAUGHTER.
Current movies:
Barbara and I invited some friends over the other night to
see a movie. It was the biography of John Sununu. You may have
heard of it
it's called "The Last Emperor." We liked it
because it was a short subject.
Have you heard about that new sequel to the movie "Rain
Man"? It's about a senior White House official who travels
across the country with a member of the press corps, talking on
background the entire way. It's called "Dar-Man."
( (Quayle - Accidental Tourist?) )
Self-deprecating:
People say I'm inarticulate and that I twist the language.
Well, like, that's -- you know -- I just don't think that's, well
I'm not inartic - no way
Hey, just get that outta here!
Others say I lack political courage. This is simply not
true. I'm the one who went to those Amish people and told them
to just say no
I'm the one who went back to Yale to fight
against illiteracy
I'm the one who sent Manuel Lujan to
American Somoa
The audience is the 1
most important
part of the Indian
night of the
long blues butter
(rounded human) grile
modestry is
the veritus
we admire most
fax POTUS
in dark to equalize
the vision thing
VP in CALIF
at doll- colectors
connention
to replace the
one confiscated Jesse Helms
if you believe
that, you'll believe
earth is getting your
Sunnu - global
warn. nothing
h.t
in 2 yrs Dlms you (3)
Mike in 9
tank the Jip
in a trunk
Chenar
Every time some
one argres
Pentagon runing
out of enromes
"Not as lour
as ww at C14"
Proud of Norieger
(4)
handling lure to dark roan
block all exits
Ahink rof
tombard a/ bad
music
Hell - sounds
like the perfect
formala Grideron for
(Broder says
How an get Popal Nancio
Gridison like Norogn
Marine Coips
(5)
3 unks USSR
sing folk song
in Rusian
Thought it was
Russion equir -
of bod Bleas the USSK
actually, Urmelates
:
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6
Helen Those play
Opral Winfree
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Debra Nounelle
in and (Balse)
Helen Thos. - RR
memory. (One
thing he won't fruet
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sarry O'Harke (st.s.)
7
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"W aslis quest." premier
brocolli broke,"
alm Cromby Daily
O.K. admiral
sailor sents
Rep. skit
Mondales Duens
carty Mc Donory
Chas B. MM
Coopr of LAX
of Pol,
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Jack Hermond
as Rogg awas
— death penalty
for play burner
2 tank jobs
(Colin Powell)
MUSIC
MEARS, Chairman
THOMASSON, Deputy Chairman
COOPER AND PAGE, Producers
T
The Gridiron Club
OF WASHINGTON, D.C.
POE, Gestures Chairman
OFFICERS FOR 1990
R. ADAMS
JAMES
J. PERRY
ANTHAN
JAQUES
PHILLIPS
President, DAVID S. BRODER
ARVIDSON
JOHNSON
POWELL
Vice President, GODFREY SPERLING, JR.
BAILEY
KARR
PRINA
Secretary, ALLAN W. CROMLEY
BANDY
KAUFFMANN
QUINLAN
Treasurer, ROBERT S. BOYD
BARNETT
KILPATRICK
RASPBERRY
BIGBEE
Historian, JAMES S. FREE
KNAP
REED
BOURGEOIS
KOLE
RENNERT
EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE
BOYD
LARRABEE
RIBBLE
(IN ADDITION TO THE OFFICERS)
BRAZAITIS
LASTELIC
RITTER
GEORGE P. ANTHAN
JOAN MCKINNEY
BRODER
LEUBSDORF
ROGERS
DAN K. THOMASSON
LAWRENCE M. O'ROURKE
COHEN
LEWINE
ROSENTHAL
COLE
C. LEWIS
ROWAN
F. LEWIS
M. RYAN
T
ACTIVE MEMBERS
CONDON
ADAMS, ROBERT
St. Louis Post-Dispatch
CROMLEY
MAYER
R. RYAN
ANTHAN, GEORGE P
Des Moines Register
DILLMAN
MCCARTHY
SAIKOWSKI
ARVIDSON, CHERYL
Dallas Times Herald
DONOVAN
MCCARTNEY
SMITH
BANDY, LELAND A.
Columbia Newspapers
DUVALL
MCDANIEL
SPERLING
BLOCK, HERBERT
Washington Post
EMORY
MCDOWELL
STRANAHAN
BOYD, ROBERT S.
FICHENBERG
Knight-Ridder, Inc.
MCFEATTERS
SULT
BRAZAITIS, THOMAS J.
Cleveland Plain Dealer
FOLEY
MCGRORY
TERHORST
FURGURSON
MCKINNEY
BRODER, DAVID S
THEIS
Washington Post
GEMMILL
MEANS
THOMAS
COHEN, RONALD E.
Gannett News Service
GERMOND
L. MILLER
R. THOMPSON
CONDON, GEORGE E., JR.
Copley News Service
GEYELIN
J. NELSON
TREWHITT
COOPER, RICHARD T
Los Angeles Times
GLASS
L.-E. NELSON
WARING
CROMLEY, ALLAN W
Daily Oklahoman and Times
GRADY
NOVAK
WATSON
CUTLER, B. J.
Scripps Howard News Service
HALL
O'BRIEN
WEAVER
EMORY, ALAN S
Watertown Daily Times
HUNT
OLOFSON
WIECK
FICHENBERG, ROBERT G.
Newhouse Newspapers
HUNTER
O'ROURKE
WIESE
FURGURSON, ERNEST B.
Baltimore Sun
IRWIN
OTTEN
GERMOND, JACK W
Baltimore Evening Sun
GEYELIN, PHILIP L.
Washington Post
GLASS, ANDREW J
Cox Newspapers
GRADY, ERNEST D
Philadelphia Daily News
MENU AND SOUVENIR
RECEPTION
HALL, JOHN
Media General News Service
MEANS, Chairman
BEALE, Chairman
HUNT, ALBERT R.
Wall Street Journal
GLASS AND CUTLER,
COLE,
JOHNSON, HAYNES
Washington Post
Vice Chairmen
Vice Chairman
KILPATRICK, JAMES J
Universal Press Syndicate
BAILEY
KNAP
BARTLETT
OTTENAD
LEUBSDORF, CARL P
Dallas Morning News
BEALE
KOLE
EKLUND
G. PERRY
LEWIS, CHARLES J
Hearst Newspapers
BOURGEOIS
LEWIS
FREE
SPERLING
LEWIS, FINLAY
Copley News Service
COLE
POE
HAYDEN
TERHORST
MCCARTHY, RICHARD MAX
EMORY
Buffalo News
REED
HUNTER
WIEGHART
MCCARTNEY, JAMES H
GEMMILL
R. RYAN
P. MILLER
Knight-Ridder, Inc.
WISE
MCDANIEL, DOUG
HUNTER
SMITH
MOLLENHOFF
Indianapolis Star
MCDOWELL, CHARLES
Richmond Times-Dispatch
MCFEATTERS, ANN C.
Scripps Howard News Service
MCGRORY, MARY
Washington Post
MCKINNEY, JOAN
Baton Rouge Morning Advocate & State-Times
SUNDAY RECEPTION
MEANS, MARIANNE
Hearst Newspapers
SPERLING, Chairman
MEARS, WALTER R.
Associated Press
LARRABEE, Secretary
NELSON, JACK
Los Angeles Times
COLE, Assistant Secretary
NELSON, LARS-ERIK
New York Daily News
R. ADAMS
HUNTER
POE
NOVAK, ROBERT D.
Chicago Sun-Times
BRAZAITIS
JAQUES
POWELL
O'ROURKE, LAWRENCE M.
St. Louis Post-Dispatch
BROOM
C. LEWIS
REED
OSTROW, RONALD J
Los Angeles Times
CONDON
L. MILLER
R. RYAN
OTTEN, ALAN L.
Wall Street Journal
CURLEY
OSTROW
SILVERMAN
PAGE, SUSAN
Newsday
GLASS
J. PERRY
WIECK
PERRY, JAMES M
Wall Street Journal
POE, EDGAR A.
New Orleans Times-Picayune
QUINLAN, MARY KAY
Gannett News Service
RASPBERRY, WILLIAM J.
Washington Post
RENNERT, LEO
McClatchy Newspapers
CHAIRMAN OF THE GRIDIRON FOUNDATION: TERHORST
RINGLE, WILLIAM M
Gannett News Service
ACTIVE MEMBERS (CONT.)
ASSOCIATED MEMBERS (CONT.)
ROSENTHAL, HARRY F
Associated Press
SAIKOWSKI, CHARLOTTE
3101 New Mexico Ave., N.W., Wash. D.C. 20016
ROWAN, CARL T
Chicago Times
SCHOEPPER, COL. ALBERT F. (RET.)
RYAN, RICHARD A
Detroit News
4013 N. Woodstock St., Arlington, Va. 22207
SMITH, HEDRICK L.
Universal Press Syndicate
SILVERMAN, ALVIN
1125 17th St., N.W., Wash., D.C. 20036
SPERLING, GODFREY, JR.
Christian Science Monitor
STEFFE, EDWIN C.
301 23rd St., Ocean City, N.J. 08226
THOMAS, HELEN
United Press International
TERHORST, JERALD F
7815 Evening Lane, Alexandria, Va. 22306
THEIS, J. WILLIAM
6100 Westchester Park Drive, College Park, Md. 20740
THOMASSON, DAN K
Scripps Howard News Service
THOMPSON, GLENN
4716 Fawnwood Road, Dayton, Ohio 45429
WATSON, JEROME R.
Chicago Sun-Times
THOMPSON, ROBERT
7400 Gatewood Ct., Alexandria, Va. 22307
WEAVER, WARREN, JR.
New York Times
TREWHITT, HENRY
10005 Barrinson, N.E., Albuquerque, N.M. 87111
WIECK, PAUL R.
Albuquerque Journal
TROHAN, WALTER
5711 Phelps Luck Drive, Columbia, Md. 21045
WICKER, THOMAS G.
New York Times, N. Y., N.Y. 10036
om
ASSOCIATED MEMBERS
WIEGHART, JAMES G
413 S. University, Mt. Pleasant, MI 48858
WIESE, ARTHUR E.
1220 L St., N.W., Wash., D.C. 20005
ADAMS, PHELPS H
Box 881, Litchfield Park, Ariz. 85340
WIGGINS, J. RUSSELL
Carlton Cove, Brooklin, Me. 04616
APTEKAR, RICHARD
603 Catamarin St., Foster City, Calif. 94404
WISE, DAVID
3434 Ashley Terrace, Wash., D.C. 20008
ARROWSMITH, MARVIN
100 James Blvd., # W115, Signal Mtn., Tn. 37377
BAILEY, CHARLES W. II
3001 Albemarle St., N.W., Wash., D.C. 20008
BARNETT, DAVID L.
7218 Beechwood Rd., Alex., Va. 22301
T
LIMITED MEMBERS
BARTLETT, CHARLES L.
4615 W St., N.W., Wash., D.C. 20007
BEALE, WILLIAM L., JR
4040 51st St., N.W., Wash., D.C. 20016
BIGBEE, JOHN C
2310 Senator Avenue, District Heights, Md. 20747
BROOM, WILLIAM W
Philadelphia Newspapers, Inc., Phila., Pa. 19101
BOURGEOIS, COL. JOHN R.
Marine Barracks, Wash. D.C. 20390
CHILDS, MARQUIS W
1000 Mason St., Apt. 101, San Francisco, Calif. 94108
DUVALL, JOHN H
2005 Fort Drive, Alexandria, Va. 22307
CLELAND, JOHN A.
5877 Michaux St., Boca Raton, Fla. 33434
FOLEY, MAJ. TIMOTHY W
1501 S. Edgewood St., Apt. 579, Arlington, Va. 22204
COFFEY, RAYMOND R.
Chicago Sun-Times, Chicago, III. 60611
JAMES, EDWARD L.
5351 Wade Lane, Woodbridge, Va. 22192
COLE, BENJAMIN R
4101 No. Randolph Street, Arlington, Va. 22207
KARR, LES.
8507 Freyman Drive, Chevy Chase, Md., 20815
CORMIER, FRANK
9306 Coronado Ter., Fairfax, Va. 22031
RIBBLE, MAUREEN
2103 Stirrup Lane, Alexandria, Va. 22308
CURLEY, JOHN J.
Gannett Co. Inc., Wash., D.C. 20044
RITTER, WILLIAM O
346 Cottswold Place, Riva, Md. 21140
DILLMAN, GRANT
1117 Potomac Dr., Stafford, Va. 22554
RYAN, MICHAEL S
6153 So. Maryland Blvd., Lothian, Md. 20820
DOBBIN, MURIEL
2040 Franklin St., San Francisco, Calif. 94109
STRANAHAN, ROBERT P., JR.
5316 Cardinal Court, Wash., D.C. 20016
DONOVAN, ROBERT J
3031 Beechwood La., Falls Church, Va. 22042
SULT, ERNEST P.
6808 Grey Fox Drive, Springfield, Va. 22152
DUDMAN, RICHARD
68 State St., Ellsworth, Me. 04605
WARING, JAMES D.
153 Quincy St., Chevy Chase, Md. 20815
EKLUND, LAURENCE C
5602 York La., Bethesda, Md. 20814
FRANKEL, MAX
New York Times, N.Y., N.Y. 10036
FREE, JAMES S.
4700 Jamestown Rd., Bethesda, Md. 20816
1617 Courtland Rd., Alex., Va. 22306
T
HONORARY MEMBERS
FREEBURG, RUSSELL W
BLUNCK, HERBERT C.
2700 Calvert St., N. W., Wash., D.C. 20008
GEMMILL, HENRY
638 G St., S.E., Wash., D.C. 20003
DEVERICH, KEVIN
Capital Hilton Hotel, Wash., D.C. 20036
GRIFFIN, GERALD E. 17218 Bollinger School Rd., Emmittsburg, Md. 21727
HARPHAM, LT. COL. DALEI (RET.) 261 Painted Hills, Martinsville, Ind., 46151
HAYDEN, MARTIN S.
218 Merriweather Rd., Grs. Pte. Farms, Mich. 48236
HEALY, ROBERT L.
70 Jerusalem Rd., Cohasset, Ma. 02025
HUNTER, MARJORIE
3517 R St., N.W., Wash., D.C. 20007
IRWIN, DONALD MCD
3904 Blackthorn Street, Chevy Chase, Md. 20815
COMMITTEES FOR 1990
JAQUES, MILTON G.
1199 National Press Bldg., Washington, D.C. 20045
KAUFFMANN, RUDOLPH II
11 Quincy St., Chevy Chase, Md. 20815
The President, Vice President, Secretary, Treasurer and
KLURFELD, JAMES
Newsday, Melville, N.Y. 11747
Historian are ex officio members of all committees.
KNAP, TED
1429 Woodacre Dr., McLean, Va. 22101
Floor Manager: QUINLAN
KNEBEL, FLETCHER
1070 Oilipuu Pl., Honolulu, Hi. 96825
Assistant: MCDANIEL
KOLE, JOHN W.
2542 N. 23rd Rd., Arlington, Va. 22207
KOVACH, BILL
1691 Cambridge St., Cambridge, Ma. 02138
Property Manager: IRWIN
KRASLOW, DAVID
Cox Newspapers, Miami, Fla. 33137
Sheriff: LASTELIC; Deputy: WIECK
KUMPA, PETER J.
Baltimore Evening Sun, Baltimore, Md. 21203
Assistant Secretary: REED
LARRABEE, DONALD R
1288 Nat. Press Bldg., Wash., D.C. 20045
LASTELIC, JOSEPH A
4200 Maple Tree Court, Alexandria, Va. 22304
Director of Music: BOURGEOIS
LEWINE, FRANCES L.
1702 37th St., N.W., Wash., D.C. 20007
LUCEY, CHARLES T.
12003-B Penterra Manor Lane, Thurmont, Md. 21788
MATARRESE, ANTONY
9068 Arlington Blvd., Fairfax, Va. 22031
MAYER, MARGARET
2500 Que St., N.W., Wash., D.C. 20007
MILLER, LOYE W. JR.
1672-D Beekman Place, N. W., Wash., D.C. 20009
MILLER, NORMAN C
Los Angeles Times, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053
MEMBERSHIP
MILLER, PAUL
121 Woodbridge Rd., Palm Beach, Fla. 33480
MILLER, REID G.
Associated Press, Nairobi, Kenya
GERMOND, Chairman
F. LEWIS, Vice Chairman
MOLLENHOFF, CLARK R
805 McMath Circle, Lexington, Va. 24450
BRODER, CROMLEY, MEANS, L.-E. NELSON, SPERLING
NEIKIRK, WILLIAM
Chicago Tribune, Chicago, Ill. 60611
NOYES, NEWBOLD
275 South Valley Road, Southern Pines, N.C. 28387
O'BRIEN, EDWARD W
940 Peacock Station Road, McLean, Va. 22102
OLOFSON, DARWIN R
2947 Deer Point Dr., Johns Island, S.C. 29455
OTTENAD, THOMAS W
4021 Everett St., Kensington, Md. 20895
INITIATION
INAUGURATION
PERRY, GLEN
Millcroft #317, 255 Possum Park Rd., Newark, Del. 19711
PHILLIPS, ADON W
5024 Gramont Ave., Orlando, Fla. 32812
POE, Chairman
O'ROURKE, Chairman
13025 Bluhill Rd., Wheaton, Md. 20906
RASPBERRY, Vice Chairman
ADAMS
KOLE
POWELL, ROLAND A
BLOCK
BEALE
MCCARTNEY
PRINA, L. EDGAR
4813 Quebec St., NW., Wash. D.C. 20016
HUNT
BOYD
MCDOWELL
REED, T. DEAN
Neersville, Rt. 1, Box 540, Purcellville, Va. 22132
JOHNSON
CHILDS
O'BRIEN
RESTON, JAMES B.
New York Times, Wash., D.C. 20006
MEARS
COLE
POE
RICHERT, EARL H.
5600 Spring Lake Drive, Evansville, Ind. 47710
J. NELSON
CROMLEY
RIDDER
RIDDER, WALTER T.
1219 Crest Lane, McLean, Va. 22101
SMITH
DILLMAN
ROWAN
RISSER, JAMES V
725 Evergreen St., Menlo Park, Calif. 94025
THOMAS
GERMOND
TERHORST
ROGERS, WARREN
1622 30th St., N.W., Wash., D.C. 20007
GEYELIN
TROHAN
ROSS, THOMAS B.
Apt. 9C, 1148 Fifth Ave., N.Y., N.Y. 10028
KNEBEL
WIGGINS