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White House Correspondents Dinner 4/28/90 [OA 8312]
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White House Correspondents Dinner 4/28/90 [OA 8312]
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This is not a textual record. This is used as an
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Record Group/Collection:
George H.W. Bush Presidential Records
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Speechwriting, White House Office of
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Speech File Backup Files
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Chron Files, 1989-1993
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13716-006
Folder Title:
White House Correspondents Dinner 4/28/90 [OA 8312]
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26
20
5
4
WASHINGTON HILTON
Bob
SATURDAY, APRIL 28, 1990
THANK YOU, JOHANNA, AND THANK YOU, EVERYONE. AND
GREETINGS TO DENNIS MILLER.
WHEN MARLIN TOLD ME I'D BE APPEARING WITH A MEMBER
OF NBC's LONGEST-RUNNING T.V. COMEDY TEAM, I SAID:
"WHO'D WE GET -- BRYANT GUMBEL OR WILLARD Scott?" III
- 2 -
BUT I ENVY DENNIS MILLER. JUST ONCE -- BEFORE I
WALK INTO THE HOUSE CHAMBER TO DELIVER MY STATE OF THE
UNION ADDRESS -- I'D LIKE TO BE ANNOUNCED BY DON PARDO.
III
- 3 -
DENNIS -- YOU'RE GOING TO GET IN YOUR LICKS ON ME
LATER. BUT I WATCHED YOUR H.B.O. COMEDY SPECIAL
YESTERDAY. GREAT STUFF. BUT YOU USE A LOT OF WORDS
YOU DON'T NORMALLY HEAR IN THE OVAL OFFICE. AND THERE
ARE JUST THREE WORDS TO DESCRIBE YOUR PERFORMANCE: 111
"ISN'T THAT SPECIAL." III
- 4 -
TRUE STORY. WE GOT DENNIS TONIGHT ONLY BECAUSE
THIS EVENING'S SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE WAS REPLACED BY HULK
HOGAN'S WRESTLEMANIA. WRESTLEMANIA. SOUNDS LIKE NBC GOT FIRST PICK «
111
BUT I DO LIKE SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE. DANA CARVEY
DOES SUCH A GREAT IMPRESSION OF ME, I ASKED HIM TO
PHONE RAFSANJANI AND SAY IT WAS GEORGE BUSH. <<" BUT
DANA SAID -- WOULDN'T BE PRUDENT. 2L
-- - 5 -
JOHANNA NEUMAN DESERVES SPECIAL THANKS. SHE'S DONE
AN OUTSTANDING JOB AS PRESIDENT OF THE WHITE HOUSE
CORRESPONDENT'S ASSOCIATION. IN THE PAST 12 MONTHS,
THE ONLY PERSON WHO'S WORKED HARDER IN WASHINGTON IS
MARLIN FITZWATER'S TAILOR. III
You GIVE MARLIN A HARD TIME. LIKE THE MORNING HE
FINALLY AGREED TO DO MORE "ON CAMERA" BRIEFINGS. AND
MICHAEL DUFFY SHOUTS: "You LOSE 30 POUNDS AND ALL OF A
SUDDEN YOU WANT TO GO ON TV?!" L
- 6 -
WE ORIGINALLY WANTED TO LAUNCH THE HUBBLE TELESCOPE
A YEAR AGO TO TAKE A GROUP SHOT OF MARLIN. LLL
BUT MARLIN LOOKS GREAT. AND HIS WHOLE ATTITUDE HAS
CHANGED. I REMEMBER THE DAY PINOCHET STEPPED DOWN. I
SAID: "FINALLY, CHILE IS FREE." AND MARLIN SAID:
"GOOD. WHEN DO WE EAT?" 111 LL
- - 7 -
BUT MARLIN KEEPS ME INFORMED. RECENTLY HE SAID:
"A LOT OF REPORTERS ARE TALKING ABOUT THE STRANGE STUFF
WE'RE SEEING ON T.V." I SAID: "You MEAN TWIN PEAKS,
THE SIMPSONS, AND NINJA TURTLES?" AND MARLIN SAID:
"No -- I MEAN YOU ANNOUNCING THE GORBACHEV SUMMIT WHILE
STANDING NEXT TO MICHAEL JACKSON!" III
[[You LAUGH. WAIT TILL YOU SEE WHAT I ANNOUNCE
WITH ELVIS.]] III L
- 8 -
BUT I'M NOT TAKING THE RAP FOR THIS MICHAEL JACKSON
THING. ROSE GARDEN. SUNGLASSES. No COAT, NO TIE, NO
EXPRESSION. BORED. A LITTLE CONFUSED. I JUST FIGURED
HE WAS ANOTHER REPORTER. III LL
[[JUST HAD MY ANNUAL CHECK-UP. MINOR PROBLEM WITH
MY EYE. No SURPRISES THERE. THIS GROUP HAS BEEN
SAYING I'VE HAD A VISION PROBLEM FOR YEARS. 11\JJ
L
Clock VCR
- 10 -
[[BUT I WENT FISHING THIS MORNING WITH CHANNEL 4's
JIM VANCE AND ANGUS PHILLIPS OF THE WASHINGTON POST.
CAUGHT A COUPLE OF BASS, AND ONE CARP. III JUST LIKE
BEING PRESIDENT. No MATTER HOW GOOD THINGS ARE GOING,
YOU'RE GOING TO CATCH SOME CARP FROM SOMEBODY. II\JJ
= 11 -
OF COURSE -- THE TRUTH IS -- I HAVE THE DEEPEST
RESPECT FOR THE JOB YOU DO. I KNOW THAT YOU CARE --
YOU WORK HARD -- YOU BELIEVE IN YOUR WORK AND IT SHOWS.
AND I SAID THIS TO THE WHITE HOUSE PHOTOGRAPHERS AND
I'LL REPEAT IT HERE:
- 12 -
I HAVE ALWAYS APPRECIATED THE THOUGHTFULNESS AND THE
CONSIDERATION AND THE KINDNESS THAT YOU HAVE SHOWN TO
OUR FAMILY, AND, INDEED, THE KINDNESS AND CONSIDERATION
YOU HAVE SHOWN IN OUR QUEST FOR PRIVACY FROM TIME TO
TIME. So WE THANK YOU FOR THAT. III
BUT NOW -- IT'S MILLER TIME III --
-- AND [PAUSE] I [PAUSE] AM [PAUSE]
OUT OF HERE!
#
#
#
McNally/Simon, April 27, 1990
Draft Six (E:WHCORRES)
PRESIDENTIAL REMARKS: WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS DINNER
WASHINGTON HILTON
SATURDAY, APRIL 28, 1990
Thank you, Johanna ( (NEUMAN)), and thank you, everyone. And
greetings to Dennis Miller.
When Marlin told me I'd be appearing with a member of NBC's
longest-running T.V. comedy team, I said: "Who'd we get --
Bryant Gumbel or Willard Scott?" \\\
But I envy Dennis Miller. Just once -- before I walk into
the House Chamber to deliver my State of the Union Address -- I'd
like to be announced by Don Pardo. \\\
Dennis -- you're going to get in your licks on me later.
But I watched your HBO Comedy Special yesterday. Great stuff.
But you use a lot of words you don't normally hear in the Oval
Office. And there are just three words to describe your
performance: \\\ "Isn't that special." \\\
You know, we got Dennis tonight only because this evening's
Saturday Night Live was replaced by Hulk Hogan's Wrestlemania.
Sounds like NBC got first pick. \\\
But I do like Saturday Night Live. Dana Carvey does such a
great impression of me, I asked him to phone Rafsanjani and say
it was George Bush. III But Dana said -- wouldn't be PRUDENT.
Johanna Neuman deserves special thanks. She's done an
outstanding job as President of the White House Correspondent's
Association. In the past 12 months, the only person who's worked
harder in Washington is Marlin Fitzwater's tailor. \\\
2
You give Marlin a hard time. Like the morning he finally
agreed to do more "on camera" briefings. And Brit Hume shouts:
"You lose 30 pounds and all of a sudden you want to go on TV?!"
But Marlin looks great. And his whole attitude has changed.
I remember the day Pinochet stepped down. I said: "Finally,
Chile is free." And Marlin said: "Good. When do we eat?"
But Marlin keeps me informed. Recently he said: "A lot of
reporters are talking about the strange stuff we're seeing on
T.V." I said: "You mean Twin Peaks, the Simpsons, and Ninja
Turtles?" And Marlin said: "No -- I mean you announcing the
Gorbachev Summit while standing next to Michael Jackson!"
But I'm not taking the rap for this one. Rose Garden.
Sunglasses. No coat, no tie, no expression. Bored. A little
confused. I just figured he was another reporter.
[ [Recently, Leo Rennert came at Marlin with a curve ball on
taxes, Democrats, Social Security, and Dan Rostenkowski.
Marlin didn't flinch. Reached into his bag of rhetorical tricks.
His answer -- and I quote in its entirety: ( (SLOWLY)) "Leo.
Leo. Leo. \\ Leo. Leo." \\\\ Marlin -- where do
you come up with these snappy comebacks? \\\\]]
And people say the press doesn' t care about accuracy!
IIII
Of course the truth is I know that you do care -- you work
hard -- you believe in your work and it shows. And I want to
know that I have the deepest respect for the job you do. I said
this to the White House photographers and I'll repeat it here: I
have always appreciated the thoughtfulness and the consideration
3
and the kindness that you have shown to our family, and, indeed,
the kindness and consideration you have shown in our quest for
privacy from time to time. So we thank you for that. \\\
But now it's Miller time III --
AND 11 I 11 AM 11 OUT OF HERE!
#
#
#
THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON
April 25, 1990
INFORMATION
MEMORANDUM FOR THE PRESIDENT
THROUGH:
CHRISS WINSTON
FROM:
EDWARD E. McNALLY EMN
SUBJECT:
REMARKS FOR WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS DINNER
I. SUMMARY
The attached draft for Saturday night's White House
Correspondents dinner has been designed to provide you with
enough raw material (4 pages) to develop a final draft that's
about TWO-AND-A-HALF PAGES in length.
II. DISCUSSION
On Saturday, April 28th, you will attend the White
House Correspondents Association dinner at the Washington Hilton,
and give brief remarks at the end of the evening.
To break with tradition -- and get away from the
standard "Johnny Carson monologue" -- we have based these remarks
on the press corps itself -- on recent, real-life incidents
involving reporters like Brit Hume, Jerry Seib, Helen Thomas, and
other personalities. The first part includes actual quotations
from Marlin's daily briefings. The second part uses actual
questions called into the Media Relations Office by out-of-town
newspapers.
A note about three of the jokes: You are currently
scheduled to speak after the evening's entertainment -- Dennis
Miller -- the comedian who does the Weekend Update segment on
Saturday Night Live (SNL) Your opening line -- "Isn't that
special" -- is SNL's most popular signature line, spoken by the
"Church Lady" (played by Dana Carvey, who also does the
impersonations of you) Don Pardo is the off-camera "announcer"
for SNL, Jeopardy, and others -- the most famous "voice" on TV.
And your final line -- "I am out of here" -- is Dennis Miller's
signature "sign-off" at the end of his routine every week.
The audience of approximately 2,600 will consist of
White House reporters, their editors and producers, Members of
Congress, and others.
McNally/Simon, April 25, 1990
Draft Four (E:WHCORRES)
PRESIDENTIAL REMARKS: WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS DINNER
WASHINGTON HILTON
SATURDAY, APRIL 28, 1990
There are just three words to describe Dennis Miller's
performance: III "Isn't that special." III
When they said I'd be following a man whose T.V. newscasts
are based on outrageous fabrications, warped imagination, and
creative distortions, I assumed it was Geraldo Rivera. III
But I envy Dennis Miller. Just once -- before I walk into
the House Chamber to deliver my State of the Union Address -- I'd
like to be announced by Don Pardo. III
And I like Saturday Night Live. Dana Carvey does such a
great impression of me, I asked him to phone Rafsanjani and say
it was George Bush. III But Dana said -- wouldn't be prudent.
And I want to thank Johanna ((NEUMAN)). Johanna's done an
outstanding job as President of the White House Correspondent's
3.
Association. In the past 12 months, the only person who's worked
harder in Washington is Lesley Stahl's hairdresser.
Noll
somedy,
I also want to congratulate each of tonight's winners. But
all those awards made a lot of people here nervous. These days
when you hear the words "the envelope please," it's a Senator
7)
talking to Charles Keating. III
This annual tradition falls in the middle of Washington's
"comedy season." Alfalfa. Gridiron. So tonight, we've turned
to a fresh new group of outside writers. They're young. They're
hungry. They're gifted. They're the White House press corps.
In fact, some of your questions and comments are so good,
2
they're worth repeating. Like the time Marlin finally decided to
do more "on camera" briefings. And Jim Miklaszewski shouts:
Yes,
"You lose 30 pounds and all of a sudden you want to go on TV?"\
We got even with Jim. He was in the travel pool in San
Francisco when Marine One somehow swept up a column of water and
??
soaked him to the skin -- a direct hit. III Who says our
military can't do pinpoint bombing?! III
But Marlin looks great. And his whole attitude has changed.
I remember the day Pinochet stepped down. I said: "Finally,
Chile is free." And Marlin said: "Good. When do we eat?"
Last month, I announced the most important new summit of the
1990's. And Frank Sesno asks: "Why'd you make the announcement
standing next to Michael Jackson? III Brit Hume says: "He wanted
to say it standing with someone more famous than Gorbachev. 111
I get a crank call from Iran -- and Michael Duffy asks if
I'm getting Caller I.D. III I'd rather get the name of the
person who wrote my number on a bathroom wall in Tehran!
Recently, Leo Rennert came at Marlin with a curve ball on
taxes, Democrats, Social Security, and Dan Rostenkowski. III
Marlin didn't flinch. Reached into his bag of rhetorical
tricks. 11 His five-word answer -- and I quote: [[SLOWLY]]
"Leo. 11 Leo. 11 Leo. 11 Leo. 11 Leo." "
possible
Marlin -- where do you come up with these snappy comebacks?
Actually, there's a story out on what really happened with
that Libyan fire. Turns out Kaddafi staged the whole thing to
7
get on a new T.V. show called "Libya's Funniest Home Videos.
3
Back in December, Marlin made a startling announcement. He
declared that sometimes "the President of the United States has
contacts with other worlds." III
Helen Thomas jumps up and calls for a filing break.
111
Jerry Seib asks: "Are you moving up the timetable on Mars?" III
And this, just a few weeks after Marlin mis-spoke and
referred to me as "President MUSH." III [[TO MARLIN]] Didn't
know I knew about that one, did you, Marlin?! III That's okay,
Marlin. I spell "Fitzwater" M-U-D. III
Wendall Goler said he "had a question from his desk."
Marlin said: "You mean it's too embarrassing for you to ask?"
111 And the question? Wendall asked: "Why does the President
call that man "Lock" Walesa? 111
Don't I get any credit for pronouncing "Miklaszewski" right?
of course, not every station or newspaper has a White House
correspondent. So from around the country they call the Office
of Media Relations. I don't always have time for a personal
response. So I thought I'd answer some of the backlog tonight.
These are real questions. Never answered by a President before.
So you may want to get out your notebooks
Question #1: "Do you have a proclamation on National Clown
Week?" 111 No. But we're considering proclaiming Congress a
three-ring circus. 111
Here's a tough one: "What is your response to the
allegation that the White House does not play enough polka
music?" 111 We're sensitive to it, and we've been consulting
4
with Bobby Vinton. III From now on, "Hail To The Chief" will be
replaced by "The Beer Barrel Polka." III
Question #3: Does the President shave himself? 111 No.
Never have time. 11 So Victor Kiam drops by and shaves me
personally. III
#4: "Does the President wear boxers or briefs?" 111 Now
that's what I call solid investigative reporting. No comment.
#5: "Does the President watch Family Feud?" III Sure --
every night I check out the Democrats on C-SPAN. III
Question #6: "will my tapes be erased if they go through
the scanner?" III Only on the way out. III
Here's a couple with Pulitzer Prize potential: "Does the
White House have an official position on how to pronounce
"Kennebunkport?" III And: "Can you tell me the official
?
spelling of President Bush's last name?" 111
And people say the press doesn't care about accuracy! 1111
of course, the truth is I know that you do care -- you work
hard -- you believe in your work and it shows. And I want to
know that I have the deepest respect for the job you do. I said
this to the White House photographers and I'll repeat it here: I
have always appreciated the thoughtfulness and the consideration
and the kindness that you have shown to our family, and, indeed,
the kindness and consideration you have shown in our quest for
privacy from time to time. Thank you all. I've enjoyed it. 111
But now -- Dennis Miller -- WE III ARE III OUT OF HERE!
#
#
#
McNally/Simon
April 16, 1990
Draft Four (E:WHCORRES)
PRESIDENTIAL REMARKS: WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS DINNER
WASHINGTON HILTON
SATURDAY, APRIL 28, 1990
Thank you. Thank you, Johanna ((NEUMAN, W.H. CORRES. ASSOC.
PRESIDENT)). Johanna's done an outstanding job as President of
the White House Correspondent's Association. During the past
year, the only person in Washington who's worked harder is Marlin
Fitzwater's tailor.
Marlin looks great. And his whole attitude has changed. I
remember the day Pinochet stepped down. I said: "Finally, Chile
is free." And Marlin said: "Great. When do we eat?"
This annual tradition falls in the middle of Washington's
"comedy season" -- the Alfalfa Club, Gridiron Club, Radio and
T.V. Correspondents dinner. You've stretched our joke-writing
capacity to the limits. So this year, we've turned to a group of
outside writers. They're mostly young. Talented. And all share
one thing in common: Every weekday morning around 11:00, they
gather in the press room House for Marlin Fitzwater's briefing.
It has all the makings of a hit T.V. sitcom. The President
plays the role of the high school principal -- a distant
presence, often talked about, not always seen -- but the press
sits up straight in their chairs when he walks into the room.
Marlin, on the other hand, plays the role of the beleaguered
substitute teacher.
Miklezewski
There was one morning, just after Thanksgiving, when Marlin
finally assented to network requests to do more "on camera"
briefings. And Jim Miklewski shouts out: "You lose 30 pounds
and all of a sudden you want to go on TV?"
Like every good sit com, there are regular bits that re-
appear week after week. Take
, for instance.
has a unique job. Small but important. Requires special skills.
Steve Toylor
Brit Hune
2
Every morning, whether the news is Panama or Peoria, Main Street
or Malta,
steps up and asks the same two-word question:
"Where's Scowcroft?"
One day in January Marlin took the morning off, and Roman
was ready with an answer. Someone asked: "Where's Scowcroft?"
And Roman answers: "He's refueling at Elmendorf." Brit
Hume went for the phones so fast it looked like he was doing a
lambada with Sarah McClendon. \\\ And Marlin hasn't taken a day
off since.
Marlin's good. But he occasionally slips up, too. Deftly
handling a question about Presidential secrecy back in December,
he referred to times when "the President of the United States has
contacts with other worlds." \\\
Of course, the press corps was very helpful. \\\
jumped up and called for a filing break. Then
asked whether we were going to move up the timetable on Mars. \\\
And this just a few weeks after Marlin mis-spoke and
referred to the leader of the Free World as "President Mush."
\\\
called it a Freudian slip. \\\
But Marlin knows when to hold his tongue. On the first
Monday back after the Vice President's somewhat surprising
purchase in Chile, \\\ Marlin began what is probably the first
White House Press Secretary in history to announce: "I don't do
dolls."
Then there was
who declared that he "had a
,
question from his desk." Marlin responded: "You mean it's too
embarrassing for you to ask?" III And you want to know what the
question was?
asked: "Why does the President call that
man "Lock" Walesa? \\\
I'll tell you the reason. It's because
Of course, not all the tough questions get fielded by the
Press Office. Many of you know to call the White House office of
Media Relations. What you may not know is that the interns there
3
have been collecting a list of some of the most classic questions
you ask.
Here's a sampling. True story. None of these are made up.
--
"Does the President wear boxers or briefs?"
--
"Do you have a proclamation on National Clown Week?"
--
"What is your response to the allegation that the White
House does not play enough polka music?"
--
"We're taking a poll -- does the President watch Family
Fued?" (No -- but sometimes I check out the democrats
on C-SPAN.)
--
"Will may tapes be errased if they go through the
scanner?"
--
"Can you tell me the official spelling of President
Bush's last name?" (Of course we could -- but we'd
have to kill you afterward.)
I shouldn't complain. It's just that sometimes I feel like
Jim Fowler on Marlin Fitzwater's "Wild Kingdom."
Seriously, it's discouraging. Last month Elvis made more
news than me.
Sig Rogich's getting desperate. Next week he's booked me
To do "Hollywood Squares."
[[TO BE INSERTED: CLOSING REMARKS. ]]
your commitment to the profession, your deep respect for
the presidency --
McNally/Simon, April 25, 1990
Draft Four (E:WHCORRES)
PRESIDENTIAL REMARKS: WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS DINNER
WASHINGTON HILTON
SATURDAY, APRIL 28, 1990
There are just three words to describe Dennis Miller's
performance: \\\ "Isn't that special." \\\
When they said I'd be following a man whose T.V. newscasts
are based on outrageous fabrications, warped imagination, and
creative distortions, I assumed it was Geraldo Rivera.
But I envy Dennis Miller. Just once -- before I walk into
the House Chamber to deliver my State of the Union Address -- I'd
like to be announced by Don Pardo. \\\
And I like Saturday Night Live. Dana Carvey does such a
great impression of me, I asked him to phone Rafsanjani and say
it was George Bush. \\\ But Dana said -- wouldn't be prudent.
And I want to thank Johanna ( (NEUMAN) . Johanna's done an
outstanding job as President of the White House Correspondent's
Association. In the past 12 months, the only person who's worked
harder in Washington is Lesley Stahl's hairdresser. \\\
I also want to congratulate each of tonight's winners. But
all those awards made a lot of people here nervous. These days
when you hear the words "the envelope please," it's a Senator
talking to Charles Keating. \\\
This annual tradition falls in the middle of Washington's
"comedy season." Alfalfa. Gridiron. So tonight, we've turned
to a fresh new group of outside writers. They're young. They're
talented. They're the White House press corps. III
Your questions are great. When Marlin finally decided to do
and
2
more "on camera" briefings, Jim Miklaszewski shouts: "You lose
30 pounds and all of a sudden you want to go on TV?"
We got even with Jim. He was in the travel pool in San
Francisco when Marine One somehow swept up a column of water and
soaked him to the skin -- a direct hit. Who says our
military can't do pinpoint bombing?! III
But Marlin looks great. And his whole attitude has changed.
I remember the day Pinochet stepped down. I said: "Finally,
Chile is free." And Marlin said: "Good. When do we eat?" \\\
Last month I announced the most important new summit of the
1990's. And Brit Hume asks: "Why'd you make the announcement
standing next to Michael Jackson?
Frank Sesno said it's because I wanted to say it standing
with someone more famous than Gorbachev. \\\
I get a crank call from Iran -- and Michael Duffy asks if
I'm getting Caller I.D. \\\ I'd rather get the name of the
person who wrote my number on a bathroom wall in Tehran! \\\
Recently, Leo Rennert came at Marlin with a curve ball on
taxes, Democrats, Social Security, and Dan Rostenkowski. \\\
Marlin didn't flinch. Reached into his bag of rhetorical
tricks. 11 His five-word answer -- and I quote: [[SLOWLY]]
"Leo. Leo. 11 Leo. 11 Leo. \\ Leo."
Marlin -- where do you come up with these snappy comebacks?
Actually, there's a breaking story tonight on what really
happened with that Libyan fire. It turns out Kaddafi staged the
whole thing to try to get on a new T.V. show called
3
"Libya's Funniest Home Videos."
Back in December, Marlin made a startling announcement. He
declared that sometimes "the President of the United States has
contacts with other worlds." \\\
Helen Thomas jumps up and calls for a filing break. \\\
Jerry Seib asks: "Are you moving up the timetable on Mars?" \\\
And this just a few weeks after Marlin mis-spoke and
referred to me as "President MUSH." [[TO MARLIN] Didn't
know I knew about that one, did you, Marlin?! III That's okay,
Marlin. I spell "Fitzwater" M-U-D. \\\
Wendall Goler said he "had a question from his desk." \\
Marlin said: "You mean it's too embarrassing for you to ask?"
\\\ And the question? Wendall asked: "Why does the President
call that man "Lock" Walesa?
Don't I get any credit for pronouncing "Miklaszewski" right?
Of course, not every station or newspaper has a White House
correspondent. So from around the country they call the Office
of Media Relations. They don't always get a quick response. So
I thought I'd answer some of the backlog tonight. These are real
questions. Word-for-word.
Question #1: "Do you have a proclamation on National Clown
Week?" \\\ No. But we're considering proclaiming Congress a
three-ring circus. III
Here's a tough one: "What is your response to the
allegation that the White House does not play enough polka
music?" III We're sensitive to it and we've been consulting
4
with Bobby Vinton. \\\ From now on, "Hail To The Chief" will be
replaced by "The Beer Barrel Polka." 111
Question #3: Does the President shave himself? \\\ No.
Never have time. 11 So Victor Kiam drops by and shaves me
personally. \\\
#4: "Does the President wear boxers or briefs?" \\\ Now
that's what I call solid investigative reporting. No comment.
#5: "Does the President watch Family Feud?" \\\ Sure --
every night I check out the Democrats on C-SPAN. III
Question #6: "Will my tapes be erased if they go through
the scanner?" III Only on the way out. III
Here's one with Pulitzer Prize potential: "Does the White
House have an official position on how to pronounce
Kennebunkport?" \\\ And "Can you tell me the official spelling
of President Bush's last name?" \\\
And people say the press doesn't care about accuracy!
Of course, the truth is I know that you do care -- you work
hard -- you believe in your work and it shows. And I want to
know that I have the deepest respect for the job you do. I said
this to the White House photographers and I'll repeat it here: I
have always appreciated the thoughtfulness and the consideration
and the kindness that you have shown to our family, and, indeed,
the kindness and consideration you have shown in our quest for
privacy from time to time. Thank you all. I've enjoyed it. \\\
But now -- Dennis Miller -- I AM III OUT OF HERE!
#
#
#
McNally/Simon
April 24, 1990
Draft Three ::WHCORRES)
PRESIDENTIAL REMARKS: WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS DINNER
WASHINGTON HILTON
SATURDAY, APRIL 28, 1990
There are just three words to describe Dennis Miller's
performance: \\\ "Isn't that special."
When they said I'd be following a man whose T.V. newcasts
are based on outrageous fabrications, warped imagination, and
creative distortions, I assumed it was Geraldo Rivera. \\\
(OR: I wondered which of the three network anchors it was:)
But I envy Dennis Miller. Just once -- before I walk into
the House Chamber to deliver my State of the Union Address -- I'd
like to be announced by Don Pardo. III
And I like Saturday Night Live. Dana Carvey does such a
great impression of me, I asked him to phone Rafsanjani and say
it was George Bush. III But Dana said -- wouldn't be prudent.
And I want to thank Johanna ( (NEUMAN) ) Johanna's done an
outstanding job as President of the White House Correspondent's
Association. In the past 12 months, the only person who's worked
harder in Washington is Marlin Fitzwater's tailor.
(OR: Brent Scowcroft's travel agent.)
OR: Lesley Stahl's hairdresser. )
I also want to congratulate each of tonight's winners. But
all those awards made a lot of people here nervous. These days
when you hear the words "the envelope please," it's a Senator
talking to Charles Keating. III
2
This annual tradition falls in the middle of Washington's
"comedy season." Alfalfa. Gridiron. Radio and T.V. Corres-
pondents. So tonight, we've turned to a fresh new group of
outside writers. They're young. They're talented. They're the
White House press corps.
Your questions are great. When Marlin finally decided to do
more "on camera" briefings, Jim Miklaszewski shouts: "You lose
30 pounds and all of a sudden you want to go on TV?"
(OR: You lose 30 pounds, fine. But what're we supposed to
do with all our wide-angle lenses?!)
We got even with Jim. He was in the travel pool in San
Francisco when Marine One dropped a torrent of water and soaked
him to the skin. \\\ Who says our military can't do pinpoint
bombing?!
But Marlin looks great. And his whole attitude has changed.
I remember the day Pinochet stepped down. I said: "Finally,
Chile is free." And Marlin said: "Great. When do we eat?" III
Last month I announce the most important new summit of the
1990's. And Larry O'Rourke asks: "Why'd you make the announce-
ment standing next to Michael Jackson?
Charles Bierbauer said it's because I wanted to say it
standing next to someone more famous than Gorbachev.
(OR: It seemed like a good way to get my 15 minutes of fame
)
We get a crank call from Iran -- and Lesley Stahl asks if
we're getting Caller I.D. III We'd rather get the name of the
person who wrote my number on a bathroom wall in Tehran!
3
Recently, Leo Rennert came at Marlin with a curve ball on
taxes, democrats, social security, and Don Rostenkowski. III
Marlin didn't flinch. Reached into his bag of rhetorical
tricks. \\ His five-word answer -- and I quote:
"Leo. \\ Leo. \\ Leo. \\ Leo. \\ Leo."
End-quote. Marlin -- where do you come up with these snappy
comebacks? \\\
Every morning a different reporter steps up to the bat and
asks the same, two-word question: 111 "Where's Scowcroft?" \\\
After the fire at the Libyan chemical plant, someone asked:
"Where's Scowcroft?" III
Marlin answered that Brent was skiing in Utah. So Steve
Taylor says: "Is Kaddafi skiing with him?' "II]
Actually, there's a breaking story tonight on what really
happened with that Libyan fire. It turns out Kaddafi staged the
whole thing to try to get on a new T.V. show called "Libya's
Funniest Home Videos." \\\
Another time Marlin took the morning off. Someone asked:
"Where's Scowcroft?" And Roman answers: "He's refueling at
Elmendorf."
We did send Brent to Elmendorf recently. He was still
the two reporters me left there last February
looking for Michael Duffy and Kevin Merida
Back in December, Marlin made a startling announcement. He
declared there're times when "the President of the United States
has contacts with other worlds."
4
Helen Thomas jumped up and called for a filing break.
Jerry Seib asked whether we were moving up the timetable on Mars.
And this just a few weeks after Marlin mis-spoke and
referred to me as "President Mush." III [[TO MARLIN] ] Didn't
know I knew about that one, did you, Marlin?! \\\ Lesley Stahl
called it a Freudian slip 111
(OR: That's okay, Marlin. I spell "Fitzwater" M-U-D...)
But Marlin knows when to hold his tongue. Fielding
questions after the Vice President's somewhat surprising purchase
in Chile, Marlin became the first White House Press
Secretary in history to utter those four unforgetable words:
"I don't do dolls." 1111
(Frank Murray), said he "had a question from his desk."
Marlin said: "You mean it's too embarrassing for you to ask?"
\\\ And the question? Frank asked: "Why does the President
call that man "Lock" Walesa? \\\
Don't I get any credit for pronouncing "Miklaszewski" right?
(OR: Because that's the metric pronounciation. )
Of course, a lot of reporters also call the Office of Media
anner
Relations at the White House. So I thought I'd give you a
sampling of some of the tougher questions.
These are real
questions.
Question #1: "Do you have a proclamation on National Clown
Week?"
No. But we're considering proclaiming Congress a
three-ring circus.
(OR: No. But I hear the Clown Association
is proclaiming a National President S Week.
)
5
Here's a tough one: "What is your response to the
allegation that the White House does not play enough polka
music?"
We're sensitive to it and we've been consulting
with Bobby Vinton.
\\\ From now on, "Hail To The Chief" will be
replaced by "The Beer Barrel Polka."
Question #3: Does the President shave himself?
No.
Never have time
So Victor Kiam drops by and shaves me
personally.
#4: "Does the President wear boxers or briefs?"
That's what I call solid investigative reporting. (OR: \ When
you re a G-man, you wear a G-string.
#5: "We're taking a poll -- does the President watch Family
Feud?" \\\ Sure -- I check out the democrats on C-SPAN?
(OR: No I try to stay away from meetings with Bill Webster
and Dick Cheney.) (Bill Bennett and Dick Darman?)
Question #6: "Will may tapes be errased if they go through
the scanner?" They used to be. But the scanner was fixed after
Rosemary Woods left III (OR: Only on the way out.)
2
Here's one with Pulitzer Prize potential: "Does the White
House have an official position on how to pronounce
Kennebunkport?" "Can tell III Yes. the Correctly Very carefully
you me official spelling of President Bush's
last name?" No But we can give you a hint: It's very
close to the un-official spelling. And people say the press
doesn't care about accuracy!
(OR: Ask Marlin. M-U-S-H
)
signed
SEND TO ED Mc NALLY (202)456-6218
Siller
WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS DINNER
APRIL 28, 1990
Dennis, I admire you landing a job as anchorman on a major
American network
and you aren't even Canadian. (PLEASE
CHECK THAT HE ISN'T.)
Dennis is worried. He heard Deborah Norville has a sister.
This past decade, the number of accredited White House
Correspondents has swelled. This is the first year your
number exceeded Americans who received census forms We're
proud of that.
Someone asked me about the Hubble Space Telescope, whether
we really need photos taken from a telescope hundreds of
miles above the earth's atmosphere. The answer of course is
yes. That's the only way to see all of Ted Kennedy on that
boat.
We originally wanted to launch the Hubble telescope a year
ago to take a group shot of Marlin.
You know Marlin
this year's poster boy for Opti-Fast.
Marlin used to have a weight problem. He had his own ozone
layer.
2
Marlin was overweight because he didn't get any exercise.
How many people do you know with an elevator on their
Stairmaster?
Last year on Earth Day, Marlin was mistaken for it.
He finally went on a diet after (CATTY CORRESPONDENT)
spotted him and said, "Well, aren't you the cute couple!"
But seriously, since I've held political office, I've had a
number of press secretaries. He's the best I ever had as
Marla Maples said to the New York Post.
OR
I've been in elective office a long time, had many groups of
reporters covering me. But you're the best I ever had
as
Marla said to the Donald.
Last Sunday was Earth Day. Most of you do your part to
protect the environment. You ask recycled questions.
I'm all for protecting the environment. But there are a few
militant extremists out there. Last week a member of the
Sierra Club ordered the earth to bite Millie.
3
I've been asked where I might allow offshore oil drilling.
It would have to be a place where it wouldn't interfere with
the breeding of wildlife, such as (NEED NAMES OF AN
ENDANGERED BIRD AND FISH, PREFERABLY WITH FUNNY SOUND) and
Ted Kennedy on his boat.
We figured out a way to shorten the press conferences.
Beginning next week, Helen Thomas's seat will be on that
hill where Millie got bitten.
Some of you are obsessed with how you look on TV during the
press conferences, and have taken steps to improve your
appearance. After Millie got bitten, one of you asked Marlin
if Millie would be getting a nose job and three of you
handed him your doctor's business card.
After awhile, you learn to be cautious when the press is
around because frankly, you're very snoopy. Around here,
even my dog sticks her nose where it doesn't belong Et tu,
Millie.
'90-04-24 06:54 DOUG GAMBLE
P.1
Ed
DOUG GAMBLE
424-36th Place
Manhattan Beach, CA 90266
April 24/90
(213) 546-6409
TO: STEPHANIE LAUDNER
2 Pages
MORE WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS DINNER (Ed McNally)
IN THE SPIRIT OF "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" JUST LET ME SAY, I'M GEORGE BUSH AND
YOU'RE NOT.
THIS EVENING IS THE REVERSE OF THE WAY IT SHOULD BE. USUALLY I WORK FIRST
AND THEN IT'S MILLER TIME.
THERE ARE JUST THREE WORDS TO DESCRIBE DENNIS MILLER'S PERFORMANCE: "ISN'T
THAT SPECIAL." (Can he say it like the Church Lady?)
THE LAST TIME I HAD THIS TOUGH AN ACT TO FOLLOW WAS THAT NIGHT IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
IN 1980, WHEN I WAS UPSTAGED BY SOME FELLOW WHO ANNOUNCED THAT HE WAS PAYING FOR
THE MICROPHONE. 1 WONDER WHAT EVER BECAME OF HIM?
I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT A THRILL IT IS TO HAVE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO SEE WHAT DENNIS
MILLER LOOKS LIKE FROM THE WAIST DOWN.
MORE
'90-04-24 06:54 DOUG GAMBLE
P.2
- 2 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: STEPHANIE LAUDNER - W.H. CORRESPONDENTS (CONT'D)
WHEN THEY TOLD ME I'D BE FOLLOWING SOMEONE WHOSE TV NEWSCASTS ARE BASED ON
OUTRAGEOUS FABRICATIONS, WARPED IMAGINATION AND CREATIVE DISTORTIONS, I
WONDERED WHICH OF THE THREE NETWORK ANCHORS IT WAS.
(OR, I ASSUMED IT WAS DAN RATHER.)
I ALWAYS THOUGHT ALL THOSE STORIES ON "WEEKEND UPDATE" WERE REAL, WHICH IS TOO
BAD BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN BASING MY FOREIGN AND DOMESTIC POLICIES ON.
DANA CARVEY DOES SUCH A GREAT IMPRESSION OF ME, 1 HAD HIM PHONE RAFSANJANI AND
SAY IT WAS GEORGE BUSH.
DANA HAS SAID THAT HIS IMITATION OF ME IS A COMBINATION OF JOHN WAYNE AND MR.
ROGERS. HE'S RIGHT. I HAVE THE SENSITIVITY OF JOHN WAYNE AND THE MACHO OF
MR. ROGERS.
JUST ONCE, BEFORE I WALK INTO THE HOUSE CHAMBER TO DELIVER MY STATE OF THE
UNION ADDRESS, 1'D LIKE TO BE INTRODUCED BY DON PARDO.
'90-04-19 12:48 DOUG GAMBLE
P.4
- 4 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: STEPHANIE LAUDNER - W.H. CORRESPONDENTS (CONT'D)
ONE-LINERS
I'VE HEARD COMPLAINTS THAT COVERING THE WHITE HOUSE BEAT IS BORING. MAYBE
YOU'LL CHANGE YOUR TUNE WHEN WE RELEASE THE FIRST PICTURES TAKEN BY THE NEW
WHITE HOUSE PHOTOGRAPHER -- ROBERT MAPPLETHORPE.
I'M PLEASED THAT PRESIDENT GORBACHEV IS COMING TO AMERICA NEXT MONTH FOR TALKS
THAT CAN HAVE A PROFOUND EFFECT ON THE FUTURE OF HIS ECONOMIC REFORMS AND
THE HAPPINESS OF HIS PEOPLE. AND AFTER HE MEETS WITH RONALD MCDONALD, MAYBE
HE'LL HAVE TIME FOR ME.
IN CASE YOU DIDN'T HEAR THE LATE-BREAKING NEWS TONIGHT, A POLITICAL SCANDAL
HAS HIT THE KREMLIN. I'M NOT UP TO SPEED ON IT YET -- ALL 1 HAVE IS A STATEMENT
JUST ISSUED BY PRESIDENT GORBACHEV THAT SAYS "I HAVE NEVER, NOR WILL I EVER,
TRADE ARMS FOR PEPSI."
CUBA HAS CHARGED THAT "TV MARTI" IS A FORM OF TERRORISM. OK, WE DON'T WANT TO
BE CRUEL. WE'LL PULL "THE CAPITAL GANG" FROM THE TRANSMISSION.
I'M PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE A CULTURAL EXCHANGE PROGRAM WITH EAST GERMANY, S0 THAT
EACH COUNTRY CAN SHOWCASE TO THE OTHER THE OUTSTANDING INDIVIDUALS PRODUCED BY
OUR RESPECTIVE SOCIETIES. THEY'RE SENDING US KATARINA WITT, AND WE'RE SENDING
THEM BART SIMPSON.
'90-04-19 12:48 DOUG GAMBLE
P.5
- 5 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: STEPHANIE LAUDNER - W.H. CORRESPONDENTS (CONT'D)
NOW WE KNOW THE TRUE STORY BEHIND THE FIRE AT THAT LIBYAN CHEMICAL PLANT.
IT WAS A HOAX STAGED BY KADAFFI IN AN ATTEMPT TO GET ON A NEW TV SHOW CALLED
"LIBYA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS."
A SCIENTIST TOLD ME THE HUBBLE SPACE TELESCOPE IS so POWERFUL, IT CAN EXPLORE
A BLACK HOLE. WHY ANYONE WOULD WANT A CLOSE-UP LOOK AT A DEMOCRATIC THINK TANK
IS BEYOND ME.
I HEAR THERE WAS A BAR NEAR THE WHITE HOUSE SERVING A DRINK LAST SUNDAY CALLED
"THE EARTH DAY COCKTAIL." AFTER TWO OF THEM, YOU'RE POLLUTED.
1 FEEL SORRY FOR THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO WADE THROUGH ALL THE PAGES OF THE FEDERAL
BUDGET EACH YEAR, so WE'RE GOING TO SPICE IT UP A BIT. WE'RE COMING OUT WITH
A SWIMSUIT EDITION.
I DON'T KNOW IF THE CENSUS WILL BE MORE ACCURATE THIS YEAR THAN 10 YEARS AGO,
BUT I DO KNOW THAT BECAUSE OF XE THEIR DIETS, MARLIN FITZWATER, TOM FOLEY AND
HENRY HYDE WILL NO LONGER COUNT AS
SIX PEOPLE.
I'M GLAD THAT AMERICA'S MAJOR TUNA COMPANIES WILL NO LONGER SELL TUNA CAUGHT BY
METHODS HARMFUL TO DOLPHINS. IT BROKE MY HEART TO SEE THAT FILM CLIP OF A
FISHERMAN PULLING IN HIS NET AND FINDING DAN MARINO STRUGGLING TO BREAK FREE.
MORE
'90-04-19 12:48 DOUG GAMBLE
P.6
- 6 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: STEPHANIE LAUDNER - W.H. CORRESPONDENTS (CONT'D)
ONE OF THE KIDS WAS UP IN THE RESIDENCE THE OTHER NIGHT WHEN BARBARA AND I
WERE TRYING TO DO THE LATEST DANCE CRAZE. I SAID TO HIM "DOES THIS LOOK LIKE
THE LAMBADA?" HE SAID "NO, IT LOOKS LIKE THE LUMBAGO."
Ed,
I'll leave the script you wrote about goings-on in the press
room as is.
For an answer to "Why does the president call that man "LOCK" Walesa?"
how about "The answer to that question is in my office, kept under
Tech and key."
Or, how about something funny!
Doug
'90-04-19 12:46 DOUG GAMBLE
P.1
DOUG GAMBLE
424 . 36th Place
Manhattan Beach, CA 90266
April 18/90
(213) 546-6409
TO: STEPHANIE LAUDNER
6 Pages
WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS - Q & A (Ed McNally)
What is your response to the allegation that the White House doesn't play enough
polka music?
WE'RE SENSITIVE TO IT AND WE'VE BEEN CONSULTING WITH BOBBY VINTON. FROM NOW
ON, "HAIL TO THE CHIEF" WILL BE REPLACED BY "THE BEER BARREL POLKA."
Does the President shave himself?
I'M so IMPORTANT, VICTOR KIAM DROPS BY AND SHAVES ME PERSONALLY.
Will my tapes be erased if they go through the scanner?
THEY USED TO BE, BUT THE SCANNER HAS BEEN FIXED SINCE THE DAYS WHEN ROSEMARY
WOODS WORKED AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
Which U.S. vice president recorded a hit song and what was it?
WALTER MONDALE RECORDED A COUNTRY & WESTERN SONG DEDICATED TO HIS WIFE CALLED
"I NEVER PROMISED YOU A ROSE GARDEN."
Does the president wear boxer shorts or briefs?
WHEN YOU'RE A G-MAN YOU WEAR A G-STRING.
MORE
'90-04-19 12:47 DOUG GAMBLE
P.2
- 2 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: STEPHANIE LAUDNER - W.H. CORRESPONDENTS (CONT'D)
What is the president's shoe size?
I'M NOT SURE, BUT MAYBE YOU CAN MEASURE THE IMPRINT ON DICK GEPHARDT'S REAR END.
Do you have any information on foreign policy?
NOT ACCORDING TO THE DEMOCRATS.
What is the cabinet?
THE CABINET IS A GROUP OF ADVISORS WHO ARE BLAMED FOR THE PRESIDENT'S MISTAKES.
What is the president's blood type?
BLUE
Can I get a life-size cardboard cut-out of the president?
FOR EIGHT YEARS AS VICE PRESIDENT, PEOPLE THOUGHT I WAS A LIFE-SIZE CARDBOARD CUT-OUT.
X Is the White House on the stock exchange?
NO, BUT BEFORE SOME WHITE HOUSE AIDES LOST WEIGHT WE WERE LISTED UNDER "PORK BELLY
FUTURES."
What do you know about counterfeit jewelry?
1 HAVE AN ALIBI FOR THAT NIGHT. I WAS HOME ALL EVENING WITH BARBARA AND SHE CAN
VOUCH FOR IT.
MORE
'90-04-19 12:47 DOUG GAMBLE
P.3
- 3 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: STEPHANIE LAUDNER - W.H. CORRESPONDENTS (CONT'D)
Can I bring in 10 antique cars to photograph them?
TOO LATE. WE JUST DID A PHOTO SESSION WITH 10 ANTIQUE CONGRESSMEN.
Why does the president use the word "thing" so much?
NOW THAT'S THE KIND OF CURIOSITY THING THAT CAN LEAD TO THE IRRITATION THING.
Do you watch Family Feud?
I TRY TO STAY AWAY FROM MEETINGS BETWEEN BILL BENNETT AND DICK DARMIN.
All we want is 15 minutes with the president.
ALL I WANT IS 15 MINUTES WITH JOHN SUNUNU.
Does the White House have an official position on how to pronounce Kennebunkport?
CORRECTLY.
What is the official White House position on inter-office romance?
PROBABLY MISSIONARY.
(oK, so I changed "policy" to "position.")
What is the White House policy on inter-office romance?
QUITE STRICT. THE LAST TIME WE LOOSENED UP, MILLIE HAD PUPPIES.
MORE
90-04-24 10:50 DOUG GAMBLE
P.1
76
DOUG GAMBLE
424 36th Place
Manhattan Beach, CA 90266
April 24/90
(213) 546-6409
TO: STEPHANIE LAUDNER
2 pages
ADDS TO 'WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS DINNER" DRAFT TWO - Es MCNALLY
PAGE 2: After "wanted to know if the speechwriters asked him to bring it to
Lafayette Park."
ACTUALLY, THE SPEECHWRITERS ARE TOO BUSY PLAYING WITH THEIR DRUG ENFORCEMENT
AGENCY JUNIOR G-MAN SECRET DECODER RINGS TO MAKE ANY SUGGESTIONS.
PAGE 2: After "asks if Barbara and I are going to get caller I.D."
WE'D RATHER GET THE NAME OF THE PERSON WHO WROTE MY NUMBER ON A WASHROOM WALL
IN TEHRAN.
PAGE 3: After "whether we were moving up the timetable on Mars."
WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS, AND 1 HAVEN'T ADMITTED THIS BEFORE, IS THAT I REGULARLY
ATTEND SEANCES TO GET ADVICE FROM MARTIN VAN BUREN.
PAGE 3: After "Lesley Stahl called it a Freudian slip."
I CALL IT A "PRESS SECRETARY-WANTED-AD IN THE POST'S CLASSIFIED SECTION.
MORE
'90-04-24 10:50 DOUG GAMBLE
P.2
:
- 2 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: STEPHANIE LAUDNER - W.H. CORRESPONDENTS (CONT'D)
PAGE 4: After "I don't do dolls."
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT, BUT I DO KNOW THAT WHILE OTHER WHITE HOUSE AIDES ARE
APPEARING ON SERIOUS TV PROGRAMS LIKE "FACE THE NATION," "MEET THE PRESS" AND
"THIS WEEK WITH DAVID BRINKLEY" -- MARLIN TURNS UP ON "THE LOVE CONNECTION."
(OR, "THE DATING GAME.")
PAGE 4: After "Why does the President call that man LOCK WALESA?"
BECAUSE THAT'S THE METRIC PRONOUNCIATION.
PAGE 4: After "do you have a proclamation on National Clown Week?"
NO, BUT I'M CONSIDERING PROCLAIMING CONGRESS A THREE-RING CIRCUS.
NO, BUT I HEAR THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF CLOWNS IS PROCLAIMING A NATIONAL
PRESIDENTS *** WEEK.
7
Then Johanna Neuman says: "Marlin -- to follow up on John's
ugly question with an even uglier one -- "
And Marlin counters with: "Don't do it Johanna -- fight it
off!"
When the German Foreign Minister brought me a piece of the
Berlin Wall -- Ken Walsh wanted to know if the speechwriters
asked him to bring it to Lafayette Park. \\\
(What can I say. "MIKE-ay-el -- MICK-ay-el" -- it's easy to
mix the two up.)
Brit Hume went for the phones so fast it looked like he was
doing the lambada with Sarah McClendon. And Marlin hasn't
taken a day off since.
I've also heard some complaints that covering the White
House beat is boring. You'll change your tune when we release
the first pictures taken by the new White House Photographer --
Robert Mapplethorpe.
But Sig Rogich is getting desperate. Next week he's booked
me to do "Hollywood Squares."
And last month Elvis made more news than me.
Ed
DOUG GAMBLE
424-36th Place
Manhattan Beach, CA 90266
April 24/90
(213) 546-6409
TO: STEPHANIE LAUDNER
2 Pages
MORE WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS DINNER (Ed McNally)
IN THE SPIRIT OF "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" JUST LET ME SAY, I'M GEORGE BUSH AND
YOU'RE NOT.
THIS EVENING IS THE REVERSE OF THE WAY IT SHOULD BE. USUALLY I WORK FIRST
AND THEN IT'S MILLER TIME.
THERE ARE JUST THREE WORDS TO DESCRIBE DENNIS MILLER'S PERFORMANCE: "ISN'T
THAT SPECIAL." (Can he say it like the Church Lady?)
THE LAST TIME I HAD THIS TOUGH AN ACT TO FOLLOW WAS THAT NIGHT IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
IN 1980, WHEN I WAS UPSTAGED BY SOME FELLOW WHO ANNOUNCED THAT HE WAS PAYING FOR
THE MICROPHONE. I WONDER WHAT EVER BECAME OF HIM?
I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT A THRILL IT IS TO HAVE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO SEE WHAT DENNIS
MILLER LOOKS LIKE FROM THE WAIST DOWN.
MORE
. 2 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: STEPHANIE LAUDNER W.H. CORRESPONDENTS (CONT'D)
WHEN THEY TOLD ME I'D BE FOLLOWING SOMEONE WHOSE TV NEWSCASTS ARE BASED ON
OUTRAGEOUS FABRICATIONS, WARPED IMAGINATION AND CREATIVE DISTORTIONS,
I
WONDERED WHICH OF THE THREE NETWORK ANCHORS IT WAS.
(OR, I ASSUMED IT WAS DAN RATHER.)
I ALWAYS THOUGHT ALL THOSE STORIES ON "WEEKEND UPDATE" WERE REAL, WHICH IS TOO
BAD BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I I'VE BEEN BASING MY FOREIGN AND DOMESTIC POLICIES ON.
DANA CARVEY DOES SUCH A GREAT IMPRESSION OF ME, I HAD HIM PHONE RAFSANJANI AND
SAY IT WAS GEORGE BUSH.
DANA HAS SAID THAT HIS IMITATION OF ME IS A COMBINATION OF JOHN WAYNE AND MR.
ROGERS. HE'S RIGHT. I HAVE THE SENSITIVITY OF JOHN WAYNE AND THE MACHO OF
MR. ROGERS.
JUST ONCE, BEFORE I WALK INTO THE HOUSE CHAMBER TO DELIVER MY STATE OF THE
UNION ADDRESS, I'D LIKE TO BE INTRODUCED BY DON PARDO.
- 4 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: STEPHANIE LAUDNER - W.H. CORRESPONDENTS (CONT'D)
ONE-LINERS
I'VE HEARD COMPLAINTS THAT COVERING THE WHITE HOUSE BEAT IS BORING. MAYBE
YOU'LL CHANGE YOUR TUNE WHEN WE RELEASE THE FIRST PICTURES TAKEN BY THE NEW
WHITE HOUSE PHOTOGRAPHER -- ROBERT MAPPLETHORPE.
I'M PLEASED THAT PRESIDENT GORBACHEV IS COMING TO AMERICA NEXT MONTH FOR TALKS
THAT CAN HAVE A PROFOUND EFFECT ON THE FUTURE OF HIS ECONOMIC REFORMS AND
THE HAPPINESS OF HIS PEOPLE. AND AFTER HE MEETS WITH RONALD MCDONALD, MAYBE
HE'LL HAVE TIME FOR ME.
IN CASE YOU DIDN'T HEAR THE LATE-BREAKING NEWS TONIGHT, A POLITICAL SCANDAL
HAS HIT THE KREMLIN. I'M NOT UP TO SPEED ON IT YET -- ALL 1 HAVE IS A STATEMENT
JUST ISSUED BY PRESIDENT GORBACHEV THAT SAYS "I HAVE NEVER, NOR WILL I EVER,
TRADE ARMS FOR PEPSI."
CUBA HAS CHARGED THAT "TV MARTI" IS A FORM OF TERRORISM. OK, WE DON'T WANT TO
BE CRUEL. WE'LL PULL "THE CAPITAL GANG" FROM THE TRANSMISSION.
I'M PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE A CULTURAL EXCHANGE PROGRAM WITH EAST GERMANY, SO THAT
EACH COUNTRY CAN SHOWCASE TO THE OTHER THE OUTSTANDING INDIVIDUALS PRODUCED BY
OUR RESPECTIVE SOCIETIES. THEY'RE SENDING US KATARINA WITT, AND WE'RE SENDING
THEM BART SIMPSON.
- 5 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: STEPHANIE LAUDNER - W.H. CORRESPONDENTS (CONT'D)
NOW WE KNOW THE TRUE STORY BEHIND THE FIRE AT THAT LIBYAN CHEMICAL PLANT.
IT WAS A HOAX STAGED BY KADAFFI IN AN ATTEMPT TO GET ON A NEW TV SHOW CALLED
"LIBYA'S FUNNIEST HOME WIDEOS."
A SCIENTIST TOLD ME THE HUBBLE SPACE TELESCOPE IS so POWERFUL, IT CAN EXPLORE
A BLACK HOLE. WHY ANYONE WOULD WANT A CLOSE-UP LOOK AT A DEMOCRATIC THINK TANK
IS BEYOND ME.
I HEAR THERE WAS A BAR NEAR THE WHITE HOUSE SERVING A DRINK LAST SUNDAY CALLED
"THE EARTH DAY COCKTAIL." AFTER TWO OF THEM, YOU'RE POLLUTED.
1 FEEL SORRY FOR THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO WADE THROUGH ALL THE PAGES OF THE FEDERAL
BUDGET EACH YEAR, so WE'RE GOING TO SPICE IT UP A BIT. WE'RE COMING OUT WITH
A SWIMSUIT EDITION.
I DON'T KNOW IF THE CENSUS WILL BE MORE ACCURATE THIS YEAR THAN 10 YEARS AGO,
BUT I DO KNOW THAT BECAUSE OF XX THEIR DIETS, MARLIN FITZWATER, TOM FOLEY AND
HENRY HYDE WILL NO LONGER COUNT AS SIX PEOPLE.
I'M GLAD THAT AMERICA'S MAJOR TUNA COMPANIES WILL NO LONGER SELL TUNA CAUGHT BY
METHODS HARMFUL TO DOLPHINS. IT BROKE MY HEART TO SEE THAT FILM CLIP OF A
FISHERMAN PULLING IN HIS NET AND FINDING DAN MARINO STRUGGLING TO BREAK FREE.
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- 6 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: STEPHANIE LAUDNER - W.H. CORRESPONDENTS (CONT'D)
ONE OF THE KIDS WAS UP IN THE RESIDENCE THE OTHER NIGHT WHEN BARBARA AND I
WERE TRYING TO DO THE LATEST DANCE CRAZE. I SAID TO HIM "DOES THIS LOOK LIKE
THE LAMBADA?" HE SAID "NO, IT LOOKS LIKE THE LUMBAGO."
Ed,
I'll leave the script you wrote about goings-on in the press
room as is.
For an answer to "Why does the president call that man "LOCK" Walesa?"
how about "The answer to that question is in my office, kept under
Iech and key."
Or, how about something funny!
Doug
DOUG GAMBLE
424 36th Place
Manhattan Beach, CA 90266
April 18/90
(213) 546-6409
TO: STEPHANIE LAUDNER
6 Pages
WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS - Q&A (Ed McNally)
What is your response to the allegation that the White House doesn't play enough
polka music?
WE'RE SENSITIVE TO IT AND WE'VE BEEN CONSULTING WITH BOBBY VINTON. FROM NOW
ON, "HAIL TO THE CHIEF" WILL BE REPLACED BY "THE BEER BARREL POLKA."
Does the President shave himself?
I'M so IMPORTANT, VICTOR KIAM DROPS BY AND SHAVES ME PERSONALLY.
Will my tapes be erased if they go through the scanner?
THEY USED TO BE, BUT THE SCANNER HAS BEEN FIXED SINCE THE DAYS WHEN ROSEMARY
WOODS WORKED AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
Which U.S. vice president recorded a hit song and what was it?
WALTER MONDALE RECORDED A COUNTRY & WESTERN SONG DEDICATED TO HIS WIFE CALLED
"I NEVER PROMISED YOU A ROSE GARDEN."
Does the president wear boxer shorts or briefs?
WHEN YOU'RE A G-MAN YOU WEAR A G-STRING.
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- 2 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: STEPHANIE LAUDNER - W.H. CORRESPONDENTS (CONT'D)
What is the president's shoe size?
I'M NOT SURE, BUT MAYBE YOU CAN MEASURE THE IMPRINT ON DICK GEPHARDT'S REAR END.
Do you have any information on foreign policy?
NOT ACCORDING TO THE DEMOCRATS.
What is the cabinet?
THE CABINET IS A GROUP OF ADVISORS WHO ARE BLAMED FOR THE PRESIDENT'S MISTAKES.
What is the president's blood type?
BLUE
Can I get a life-size cardboard cut-out of the president?
FOR EIGHT YEARS AS VICE PRESIDENT, PEOPLE THOUGHT I WAS A LIFE-SIZE CARDBOARD CUT-OUT.
X Is the White House on the stock exchange?
NO, BUT BEFORE SOME WHITE HOUSE AIDES LOST WEIGHT WE WERE LISTED UNDER "PORK BELLY
FUTURES."
What do you know about counterfeit jewelry?
I HAVE AN ALIBI FOR THAT NIGHT. I WAS HOME ALL EVENING WITH BARBARA AND SHE CAN
VOUCH FOR IT.
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- 3 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: STEPHANIE LAUDNER - W.H. CORRESPONDENTS (CONT'D)
Can I bring in 10 antique cars to photograph them?
TOO LATE. WE JUST DID A PHOTO SESSION WITH 10 ANTIQUE CONGRESSMEN.
Why does the president use the word "thing" so much?
NOW THAT'S THE KIND OF CURIOSITY THING THAT CAN LEAD TO THE IRRITATION THING.
Do you watch Family Feud?
I TRY TO STAY AWAY FROM MEETINGS BETWEEN BILL BENNETT AND DICK DARMIN.
All we want is 15 minutes with the president.
ALL 1 WANT IS 15 MINUTES WITH JOHN SUNUND.
Does the White House have an official position on how to pronounce Kennebunkport?
CORRECTLY.
What is the official White House position on inter-office romance?
PROBABLY MISSIONARY.
(ok, so I changed "policy" to "position.")
What is the White House policy on inter-office romance?
QUITE STRICT. THE LAST TIME WE LOOSENED UP, MILLIE HAD PUPPIES.
MORE
&
DOUG GAMBLE
424- . 36th Place
Manhattan Beach, CA 90266
April 24/90
(213) 546-6409
TO: STEPHANIE LAUDNER
2 pages
ADDS TO WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS DINNER" DRAFT TWO - Es MCNALLY
PAGE 2: After "wanted to know if the speechwriters asked him to bring it to
Lafayette Park."
ACTUALLY, THE SPEECHWRITERS ARE TOO BUSY PLAYING WITH THEIR DRUG ENFORCEMENT
AGENCY JUNIOR G-MAN SECRET DECODER RINGS TO MAKE ANY SUGGESTIONS.
PAGE 2: After "asks if Barbara and I are going to get caller I.D."
WE'D RATHER GET THE NAME OF THE PERSON WHO WROTE MY NUMBER ON A WASHROOM WALL
IN TEHRAN.
PAGE 3: After "whether we were moving up the timetable on Mars."
WHAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS, AND I HAVEN'T ADMITTED THIS BEFORE, IS THAT I REGULARLY
ATTEND SEANCES TO GET ADVICE FROM MARTIN VAN BUREN.
PAGE 3: After "Lesley Stahl called it a Freudian slip."
I CALL IT A "PRESS SECRETARY-WANTED-AD IN THE POST'S CLASSIFIED SECTION.
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- 2 -
DOUG GAMBLE
TO: STEPHANIE LAUDNER - W.H. CORRESPONDENTS (CONT'D)
PAGE 4: After "I don't do dolls."
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT, BUT I DO KNOW THAT WHILE OTHER WHITE HOUSE AIDES ARE
APPEARING ON SERIOUS TV PROGRAMS LIKE "FACE THE NATION," "MEET THE PRESS" AND
"THIS WEEK WITH DAVID BRINKLEY" -- MARLIN TURNS UP ON "THE LOVE CONNECTION."
(OR, "THE DATING GAME.")
PAGE 4: After "Why does the President call that man LOCK WALVSA?"
BECAUSE THAT'S THE METRIC PRONOUNCIATION.
PAGE 4: After "do you have a proclamation on National Clown Week?"
NO, BUT I'M CONSIDERING PROCLAIMING CONGRESS A THREE-RING CIRCUS.
NO, BUT I HEAR THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF CLOWNS IS PROCLAIMING A NATIONAL
PRESIDENTS *** WEEK.
THE WHITE HOUSE
Office of the Press Secretary
PRESS BRIEFING
BY
MARLIN FITZWATER
April 4, 1990
The Briefing Room
11:21 A.M. EDT
Q
How do you pronounce Maslennikov? Better learn,
-
man. Arkady --
MR. FITZWATER: Maslennikov, Arkady Maslennikov.
Q
Is he Gennadi's replacement?
MR. FITZWATER: That's what the news accounts -- well,
not a replacement, no. Different job.
Q
What happened to Gennadi? Was he fired?
MR. FITZWATER: No, he's still the Foreign Ministry
spokesman. That's what he's always been. I can only assume that the
new Soviet President took a look at my performance and said, "I must
have one of those." (Laughter.) "Get me a Marlin." (Laughter.)
Q I have a housekeeping question. This application
for Bermuda which was supposed to be in yesterday, there's a whole
group of us that never knew it was out and were supposed to do it, so
could you extend the deadline?
Q
Just for old-time sake, will you do the Marlin and
Gennadi show again?
Q Well, there are at least five of us that I know of
who have never been aware that this even existed until just now, and
it says the deadline was yesterday.
MR. FITZWATER: Well, I'm told they went out March 26th,
and those five of you who didn't get it are shameless laggards and
no-accounts -- but we'll try and get you on the trip anyway.
Well, let's start out with a formal welcome to Mr. Arkady
Maslennikov to the ranks of the spokesmen rolls.
Q Have you ever met him?
MR. FITZWATER: I have not met him, but I look forward to
the possibility.
Q
What's his background?
MR. FITZWATER: It says in The New York Times and The
Washington Post that he's been in Pravda for many years and has been
serving recently in the Soviet system as a spokesman and just got
promoted to this job. So that's good.
Q
And he got orders to tell it like it is?
Q
He says he's no Marlin Fitzwater. (Laughter.)
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#180/04/04
- 3 -
so -- and you leave at 3:15 p.m., so we'll just put a lid on.
Q
Is he going shopping or anything?
Q What is he going to do this afternoon?
MR. FITZWATER: He promised me no movements today.
Q Attention K-Mart shoppers. (Laughter.)
MR. FITZWATER: We have here the President of the United
States marked down to $79.99. (Laughter.)
Q You're thinking of Reagan. (Laughter.)
MR. FITZWATER: Probably shouldn't have started this line
of questioning. (Laughter.)
Does anybody else have anything?
Q
Wait a minute. I haven't even asked my question
yet.
MR. FITZWATER: Oh, I'm sorry. (Laughter.) Go for it.
Q
Is it possible that tonight in New York at the NAACP
dinner he will talk about the Civil Rights Commission?
MR. FITZWATER: About the Civil Rights Commission?
Q
I think there's a vacancy that's expires tonight and
this make's it --
MR. FITZWATER: I haven't seen the text. Although the
status of the Civil Rights Commission is that there are three
vacancies -- one by resignation and two by virtue of the end of their
terms. So we will be replacing those or appointing replacements as
soon as possible. We don't have them ready -- I don't believe he's
announcing anyone tonight.
Q
Well, can you give us any sort of sense of what he
will be talking about tonight?
MR. FITZWATER: I just haven't seen it. I mean,
obviously, he's going to be discussing civil rights issues and equal
opportunity, progress for minorities, and so forth. But I don't have
specifics. But we'll have an advance text for you, so you'll have it
all.
Q Two things about Chile. Did he send a message to
the winner of the elections, first? And secondly, are you confident
that Pinochet will ensure a smooth transition to democracy?
MR. FITZWATER: I have a statement which I'll be glad to
read at this time. Yesterday's election in Chile marked an important
threshold in Chile's movement towards democratic rule. We
congratulate the people of Chile and their exercise of the cherished
rights of freedom of speech and elections. The elections were
carried out in a successful manner, and all Chileans should be proud
of this process.
We congratulate Mr. Aylwin, who has won the presidency.
The United States looks forward to continue strengthening the
bilateral relationship for the mutual benefit of both peoples and to
working with the new President.
I don't have any idea about Pinochet's activities.
Q How about a phone call? Message?
MR. FITZWATER: Nothing at this point. We'll let you
know if there is anything.
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#138-12/15
- 8 -
down now -- the post-Christmas Beeville, Houston, Alabama --
MR. FITZWATER: Let's see here. Let me -- I think I can
give you a general scenario. As the general matter, the President
will go to Camp David on the afternoon of Friday, December 22. He
will be at Camp David Saturday, Sunday. And then, on Sunday
afternoon -- no. Wait, that's not right, Sunday. And then, on the
25th, he's at Camp David, 26th at Camp David.
On the morning of the 27th, which is Wednesday, we will
leave for Corpus Christi, Texas. I don't have the exact time, but we
go to Corpus Christi. Tentative plans for the President to do some
fishing there in Corpus Christi. Then, we will go on in the
afternoon to Beeville. Tenative plans for a barbeque in the evening
there in Beeville; and then he will remain overnight at the ranch
outside of Beeville.
The press corps, at that point, would go back to Corpus
Christi. I don't have a hotel for you yet, but we're looking for a
hotel there in the city. The President will remain on the ranch on
Thursday the 28th. And on Friday the 29th and on the morning of
Saturday, the 30th, we'll go -- we'll depart Beeville for Houston.
Overnight in Houston on that Saturday night, overnight in Houston on
Sunday, the 31st. And on New Year's Day, Monday, January 1, 1990,
after a long night's sleep and good rest, the President will depart
at 8:00 a.m. (Laughter.)
Q Jesus.
Q Which means the press corps departs at what time?
MR. FITZWATER: The press bus will leave the Cadillac
Grille at 4:02 a.m. (Laughter.)
Q Do you have the picture of Mick doing a shooter?
(Laughter.)
Q Straight from the bar to the plane.
MR. FITZWATER: Anyway, we go to Montgomery, Alabama, for
some more fishing. Departs Montgomery about 6:00 p.m. and arrives
back at the White House late Monday evening.
Q Oh, God. What a fun guy. (Laughter.)
Q Is Mrs. Bush with him in Houston?
MR. FITZWATER: Mrs. Bush, I think, plans to join him in
Houston. You better confirm that with her office, but I think she
does.
Q Who's ranch is it, again, please?
MR. FITZWATER: Pardon?
Q Who's ranch is it.
MR. FITZWATER: The ranch is it. It's Will Farish's
ranch.
Q If he has a hangover, will the departure be the
same?
MR. FITZWATER: That's in Goliad County there, Sarah.
That's in Goliad County.
Q We know Goliad. (Laughter.)
MR. FITZWATER: Yeah, I thought so --
Q
Marlin, before the President begins this assault on
the animal kingdom, does he have any plans to do --
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#139-12/18
- 16 -
MR. FITZWATER: Let's see, that makes -- (laughter.) Two
hours. (Laughter.) That makes it, let's see -- I don't have my
calendar in front of me. Wait, maybe I've got one here.
Q
More than a weekend?
Q
If the meeting's on the 19th, do we go down on the
19th, or do we go down on the 18th?
Q
Right -- sitting there with Air Force One.
Q
SR-71. (Laughter.)
Q
The pool ordered the --
Q
Played golf.
MR. FITZWATER: Okay, we're talking April here. So that
means we would go down on Thursday, the 19th. And the meeting with
President Mitterrand is on that day, Thursday, the 19th. Overnight
there in South Florida. Then on the 20th, we have two events in
Florida, overnighting in Islamorada. That's on Friday night, the
20th -- and staying in Islamorada on Saturday the 21st, overnighting
there and returning to Washington, either the 22nd or the 23rd.
There's a possibility of additional travel there.
daytrip
Q
Where is Alabama?
Q It's in there.
MR. FITZWATER: Alabama is on Friday the 20th. Can you
get to Australia in one night? (Laughter.) Would the Foreign Press
Center please disregard that last comment. (Laughter.) We're not
going anywhere.
Q
Will Mitterrand accompany Bush in Alabama, Orlando
or Islamorada?
MR. FITZWATER: No.
Q
Good. Thank you.
Q
Is the SR-71 being turned into Air Force One?
A
(Laughter.)
MR. FITZWATER: Hey now, there's an idea. If we could
get to California in 68 minutes, I think we're on to something here.
Q
Fundraising.
MR. FITZWATER: All right. Does anybody want to do
anything else here? We have a movement in 20 minutes to go have a
little Saint Patrick's Day cheer with Speaker Foley.
Q
Is that movement purely social, or are you going to
get into anything substantive up there?
Q
Gephardt going to be there?
MR. FITZWATER: I think, as in past years, it will be a
lot of Irish charm and good cheer and probably not too much
discussion of legislation and Federal Register notices.
Q Let me ask you one thing before we go. When the
President announced his Fund for Democracy, he talked about new
democracies in Panama and Nicaragua. The one country he didn't
mention was the last one -- Haiti. Is there any reason why there
hasn't been any talk about aid for what is certainly the poorest
country in the Western Hemisphere?
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#170-03/15
APR 16 '90 16:15 SENT BY FRANKS DUPLICATING
P.1
4/16/90
To: Bob Simon
355 Pm
The White House
FAX #456-6218
From: Sybil Graves
One page total
FAX 347-2329
Following is information on the Journalism Awards for the WHCA
Dinner:
The Merriman Smith Memorial Award
Winner: Norman D. Sandler, UPI
The Aldo Beckman Memorial Award
Winner: Ann Devroy, Washington Post
Edgar A. Poe Award
Winner: Keith C. Epstein, The Plain Dealer
Senate and House Press Galleries Prizes:
Raymond Clapper Memorial Awards
1st Prize: Bill Lambrecht, St. Louis Post-Dispatch
2nd Prize: John Hall, Media General
Worth Bingham Memorial Award
Joint Winners: Jenni Bergal and Fred Schulte
Ft. Lauderdale News and Sun Sentinel
Barnet Nover Memorial Awards
1st Prize: Christopher Scanlan, Knight-Ridder Newspapers
2nd Prize: Andrew Melnykovych, Casper Star-Tribune