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323153979
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Gridiron Dinner 3/30/92 [OA 7570] [1]
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323153979
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Gridiron Dinner 3/30/92 [OA 7570] [1]
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13805-005
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Records of the White House Office of Speechwriting (George H. W. Bush Administration)
Speech Backup Chronological Files
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Originally Processed With FOIA(s):
FOIA Number:
S
S
FOIA
MARKER
This is not a textual record. This is used as an
administrative marker by the George Bush Presidential
Library Staff.
Record Group/Collection:
George H.W. Bush Presidential Records
Collection/Office of Origin:
Speechwriting, White House Office of
Series:
Speech File Backup Files
Subseries:
Chron File, 1989-1993
OA/ID Number:
13805
Folder ID Number:
13805-005
Folder Title:
Gridiron Dinner 3/30/92 [OA 7570] [1]
Stack:
Row:
Section:
Shelf:
Position:
G
26
22
4
2
Ray Siller
Michelle
310-454-1922
returned CC (310)573-2020 Fax
G (408)625-254 to
TOTAL
mm
mmm
####
placki T
FACSIMILE TRANSMITTAL SHEET
NUMBER OF PAGES INCLUDING COVER
2
DATE
March 30 1992
TO
Ray Siller
FAX NUMBER
57213) 573-2020
COMMENTS
Ray - HeRe aRe the
final jokes for the Gridicon
Thanks for the jokes. I'm SuRe
you've heard that it was a hi71
FROM
Michele Nix
*
DEPARTMENT OF COMMUNICATIONS
*
OFFICE NUMBER (202)456-7750
March 23, 1992
MEMORANDUM FOR DAVID DEMAREST
FROM:
MICHELE NIX
SUBJECT:
GRIDIRON
More schtuff:
The Gridiron Club now has three "candidate used-to-be's"
confirmed for the dinner -- Moe, Larry, and Curly (I mean,
Buchanan, Tsongas, and Kerry). They still don't know about
Shemp -- Harkin. Thomasson suspects Clinton will not come -
- but will let us know as soon as he hears. Brown is a
definite no.
Lamar is planning a medley of country music songs -- with
the words rewritten to parody Ann Richards, Clinton, the
Dems in general. He's also doing a "light teasing" of the
President -- nothing bad. The last song is supposed to
address both sides -- in a way that will end the performance
on a "unified high note."
Thomasson said the show's songs and skits are still being
reworked -- so he can't send me over any of the sheet music
or scripts just yet.
I talked to Ray Siller again -- he wrote a little this
weekend. He already had some Japan (re barf) jokes. He's
sending those anyway in case we change our minds about using
them. He's aware of the Tsongas et al. update and will work
on some jokes about them. Siller wrote a letter to POTUS
early last week re doing a top ten list (along the lines of
the Top 10 reasons why I should be re-elected). I told him
that the idea had been broached a couple weeks ago. He said
he'd just wait for a go ahead from the President before
doing it -- unless we want him to go ahead with it.
March 23, 1992
MEMORANDUM FOR DAVID DEMAREST
FROM:
MICHELE NIX
SUBJECT:
GRIDIRON
More schtuff:
The Gridiron Club now has three "candidate used-to-be's"
confirmed for the dinner -- Moe, Larry, and Curly (I mean,
Buchanan, Tsongas, and Kerry) They still don't know about
Shemp -- Harkin. Thomasson suspects Clinton will not come -
- but will let us know as soon as he hears. Brown is a
definite no.
Lamar is planning a medley of country music songs -- with
the words rewritten to parody Ann Richards, Clinton, the
Dems in general. He's also doing a "light teasing" of the
President -- nothing bad. The last song is supposed to
address both sides -- in a way that will end the performance
on a "unified high note."
Thomasson said the show's songs and skits are still being
reworked -- so he can't send me over any of the sheet music
or scripts just yet.
I talked to Ray Siller again -- he wrote a little this
weekend. He already had some Japan (re barf) jokes. He's
sending those anyway in case we change our minds about using
them. He's aware of the Tsongas et al. update and will work
on some jokes about them. Siller wrote a letter to POTUS
early last week re doing a top ten list (along the lines of
the Top 10 reasons why I should be re-elected). I told him
that the idea had been broached a couple weeks ago. He said
he'd just wait for a go ahead from the President before
doing it -- unless we want him to go ahead with it.
Foley's ears -- we've got to do one
the veto
Potential Perot candidacy
Ted Kennedy's marriage
POTUS visit to Clinton's turf last week
Tammy Fay and Jim Bakker
Leona Helmsley
Lee Iacocca ending reign
Lloyd Benson's line "He's no Harry Truman" line about POTUS
To Michelle
Date 3/26
Time 12
WHILE YOU WERE OUT
M
Joe lastalic
of
Gridison
Phone
Area Code
Number
Extension
TELEPHONED
PLEASE CALL
CALLED TO SEE YOU
WILL CALL AGAIN
WANTS TO SEE YOU
URGENT
RETURNED YOUR CALL
Message Press release
this evening
not ready till
AU
Operator
AMPAD
EFFICIENCY@
23-021 CARBONLESS
March 25, 1992
Dave --
Dan Thomasson is holding tight to the rehearsal book -- because
they're still rewriting.
So I called somebody else with the Gridiron -- the Gridiron
sheriff. He said he'd try and get me one of the final books --
due back from the printer today.
In the meantime, he gave me a quick run-through of the
songs.
REPUBLICAN SKIT:
(Held on top floor of Macy's Department Store -- the players try
to put together the Macy's Parade, but since they're in Chapter
11, they end up with a very ragged parade.)
Songs:
"Darman" singing "Forget Your Troubles, Come on Get Happy. II
About the Soviets -- "Breaking Up is Hard to Do"
About Saddam -- "The Rain in Spain" as sung by four coneheads
(SNL variety)
About the Japanese car industry "Surry with the Fringe on Top"
About POTUS' flu -- song about Oliver Stone investigation of the
puking incident
About Buchanan -- "Man from La Mancha"
Bart Simpson singing to Lamar character "Teach Me Tonight" re
education system
DEMOCRATIC SKIT
All those who didn't run -- Cuomo, Gore, Gephardt, Benson
singing:
"No More Dolls" re Clinton's happy pants
"Good 01' Reliable Congress"
Song about Clarence Thomas
"Sleeze" re press reporting second hand sleeze recycled from
tabloid press
Health Care song -- a witch doctor singing and dancing
Ted Kennedy song -- first a song about him boozing it up and
getting fresh with the girls -- and then the song "I'm Getting
Married in the Morning"
About Jerry Brown -- the Energizer Bunny (supposed to be Brown)
comes out with voice over saying "There's Jerry Brown -- he's
still running
" One side of the drum says "Jerry Brown for
President" and the other side has "1-800-MONEY."
About Clinton: Clinton character dressed as Elvis singing to the
press "You Ain't Nothin' but a Hounddog." And then sings "Love
Me Tender, Democrats."
Helen Thomas plays Ann Richards singing about herself -- makes
reference of silver foot.
JABS AT MARLIN
-- lean cuisine breath
-- toupee-less one
-- snack-sneaking snowball
-- man of a thousand and one inches
-- my full-figured flack
GROANER COMEBACKS
-- may your Nielsens match my polls
-- may you be reincarnated as an NEA Chairman
-- may you contract terminal writer's block
-- may you ride shotgun to New Jersey with John Sununu
SENT BY:Xerox Telecopier 7020 ; 3-27-92 ; 2:47PM ;
4562983-
6218;# 2
IVEV , 5-61-06 , 1.12PM ,
4562983;# 2
March 27, 1992
MEMORANDUM FOR THE GRIDIRON TEAM
FROM:
JAG
SUBJECT:
INSULTS
JABS AT MARLIN
Have fegred black
MN:
Here are the
A's made per
-Marlin, you ignorant slut
lean cursine
DD's request
slim that breath
--toupes-less one PRO
my
-DAG
--shack-sneaking snowball
--man of a thousand and one inches
<-aarobic airhead with an attitude
Kansas Karma
shotson
a no, you can't have my turban
GROANER COMEBACKS
may
may you miss your deadline
to you New John ride with
--may your Nielsens match my polls
--may your third son be a Democrat with a congressman
fuct born daughter fall in love
--may you be reincarnated as an NEA chairman
--may you ret on the Fress Plane
may you contract terminal writers block
ENVELOPE SUGGESTIONS
A:
Jenny Craig and Betty Crocker.
8
The two women in Marlin's life.
ADDITIONAL GROANER LINES
May your annual physical be given by Dr. Kevorkian.
May you choke on a silver foot.
May you niece jump out of a cake at Ted Kennedy's bachelor party.
May a diseased yak leave a souvenir in your tube socks.
May your x-rays reveal a Newt in your Gingrich.
May your dinner companion at Benihana be Fritz Hollings.
May you discover 43 references to your sister in Wilt
Chamberlain's book.
HEAD TABLE
Dan Thomasson
Queta Thomasson
Lawrence and Ann Leser
Charles Scripps
Jack Howard
Secretary Baker
Secretary Alexander
Attorney General Barr
Shikh Saud Nasir Al-Sabh, Ambassador of Kuwait
General Scowcroft
Dwayne Andres, Pres of Archer, Daniels, Midland Co.
Secretary Franklin
Darman
Secretary Sullivan
Carla Hills
Senator Wendell Ford
Ron Brown (Bleh!)
Lane Kirkland
General Gordon Sullivan
Marlin Fitzwater
Justice Blackmun
Secretary Brady
Ann Richards (Bleh!)
Secretary Cheney
Secretary and Mrs. Alexander
Secretary Lujan
Secretary Card
Colin Powell
Sen. Simpson
Secretary of the Air Force Donald Rice
General Mundy
General McFeat
Representative Michel
Clayton Yeutter
New Members
William Beecher, Minneapolis Star Tribune
Clark Hoyt, Knight-Ridder
Julia Mallone, Cox Newspapers
John Mashek, Boston Globe
Thank you, thank you for that kind introduction.
Mr. Vice President, members of the cabinet
fellow
insiders
For the second time in a year I nearly lost consciousness
X
during dinner.
Sitting through a Gridiron has always been my second
favorite fantasy. My favorite fantasy is to spend an entire year
in Biosphere 2 with the Mclaughlin Group.
Thank God none of those skits were funded by the NEA, try
X
selling that to the taxpayer.
My respects to the folks up here at the head table.
I see my Attorney General. Bill, saw your profile in the
Post. Thought they went too far when they said you looked like
you were "forced into a suit against your will" You may be
boyish but your not "pudgy". Marlin - now there's pudgy.
My good friend Nick Brady, adding that common touch to the
head table. Nick, I heard about your latest effort to save the
economy. When Marla threw her gold ring at Donald, Nick dove for
it. With this deficit, every ounce counts.
(Take a Sip of Water) Excuse me, Ann [Richards]. Silver
foot went down the wrong way.
Gen. Scowcroft
...
effervescing as usual.
Dick Cheney did a great job with operation Desert Storm
not so sure about Operation Big Splash.
New Secretary of Transportation, Andy Card (?)
Congratulations to Alan Simpson - new feminist poster boy.
Jerry Brown, is he up here somewhere? Don't see him. Too
bad, would have liked to have seen him in that white tie and
turtleneck.
And of course, my respects to the Silver Fox. No red hairdo
tonight. Seriously, to do what she does for the country, her
campaign against illiteracy, working with so many issues, she's
been a terrific first lady who's raised a terrific family.
(pause for applause) And she bakes some of the best cookies
you've ever tasted.
Some of the entertainment tonight reminded me of my visit to
the Country Music Awards. Heard Garth Brooks down there. Seen
Garth Brooks on the cover of Time. Garth Brooks is a friend of
mine. Lamar, you are no Garth Brooks.
Lane, good to see you tonight. You know, one of the
tabloids is working on a story about Lane Kirkland and three
members of the International Ladies Garment Workers Union
Lane
says he was just trying to "look for the label".
A lot's happened since the last Gridiron -- Cosmonaut Sergi
Krikalev returned to earth after ten months in orbit. What must
have gone through his mind when he saw the dramatic changes in
less than a year. The collapse of the Soviet Union, Gorbachev
out of power, Yeltsin in charge
super market scanners.
Boy, poor Boris Yeltsin. There's a guy truly under siege -
- taking shots from his right and his left -- his popularity in
the tank -- presiding over an economy on the skids. Whew! Am I
glad I'm not in his shoes.
Speaking of hard times, let me just say one thing tonight
before I go any further. Not my recession -- out of the country.
Tom Foley's had a rough couple of weeks. Asked him how he
was going to handle it all. He said "Mr. President, I'm going to
Disney World!"
Tom mentioned he was going to get rid of some those
ostentatious perks that Congress has. No more freebies at the
pharmacy, no more free passes to the Health Club and no free
rubdowns from the House Masseuse Ty Collins.
Jack Germond, at it again. I didn't think there was
anything that could top last year's Energizer Bunny Suit. Until
I saw him backstage in his new Speedo!
This political year has been pretty exciting. It's got
something for everyone - sex, drugs, and rock and roll. And
that's just the Clinton campaign.
I'm am concerned though about what are kids are seeing on
the tube -- all this violence -- like the Clinton-Brown debates.
Did you see the last one? It was produced by Don King.
Bill Clinton replaced one of his handlers with a cut man.
But it's not just Bill and Jerry, candidates from both
parties have engaged in vicious name-calling
like "corrupt",
"liar", "hypocrite", "incumbent".
And no one is immune from campaign gaffes. I really think
that Pat Buchanan may have hurt himself in Michigan when he
started his speech with, "Ich bin ein Mercedes owner".
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 27 1992 12:03AM P01
siller
Dave
GRIDIRON (YET MORE)
Doctors wanted mc to take a GI series. You know how
unpleasant a GI series can be. I sent them a note asking to
be
deferred. A. GI Deferment!!
Q
something I ashed
Thrusday!
for at Bethesday
possible."
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 27 1992 2:13PM P02
)
SHOULD NOT BE DONE FOR VARIOUS REASONS. THEY'RE NOT WRITTEN
IN THE CARNAC RHYTHM AND/OR ARE NOT FUNNY.
(AFTER THE LAST JOKE IS DELIVERED, THE PRESIDENT WILL BOW TO
THE AUDIENCE, HANDS FOLDED IN PRAYER, AND EXIT.)
MARLIN: CARNAC THE MAGNIFICENTI
MILLIE AND THE SIERRA CLUB
Who has an unnatural love of trees?
THE JOHN GOTTI TRIAL AND THE WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM
Where do you find a bunch of Wise Guys?
THE NATIONAL GUARD
DD
Who will be standing by for the Ted Kennedy bachelor party?
A BEER, TOM HARKIN'S CAMPAIGN, AND PAUL TSONGAS
Name a Bud, a dud, and a Fudd.
CATCHING THAT KWAZY WABBIT
What is Paul Tsongas's new career goal?
BILL CLINTON'S CAMPAIGN AND THE SITE OF AMELIA EARHART'S
X
WRECKAGE
Name two places where they're expecting the other shoe to be
found.
A JAPANESE DINNER AND A GRIDIRON DINNER
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 27 1992 2:14PM P03
1 1 2
Name two places where the President is likely to lose
consciousness.
666
What is Newt Gingrich's area code?
RACIST, WOMANIZER, AND INCUMBENT
What are the three worst insults you can hurl at a
politician?
SANTA CLAUS AND THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE
Name two things Paul Tsongas won't be.
HOME OF THE WHOPPER
Describe the House of Representatives.
THE HEAD OF NASA, HAM, AND SARDINES
What gets canned?
VETO OF THE CONGRESS'S PACKAGE AND A DOMINO'S PIZZA
Name two things delivered in less than 30 minutes.
GIVE ME YOUR TIRES, YOUR HUNGRY YOUR HUDDLED MASSES
What was the first campaign slogan rejected by Pat Buchanan?
BURTON LEE, BIG BEN, AND JERRY BROWN'S FLAT TAX
Name a doc, a clock, and a crock.
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 27 1992 2:14PM P04
- -3-
BOB KERREY, PRINCE ANDREW, AND EVANGELIST JIM BAKKER
Name three upcoming contestants on "The Love connection".
DARTH VADER, HANNIBAL LECTER, AND THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS
Name three people who've endorsed Pat Buchanan.
AN INTESTINAL VIRUS AND JOHN SUNUNU'S TRAVEL VOUCHERS
Name two things that made the President barf.
AT DINNER 1N JAPAN AND WHEN HE LOOKED AT THE POLLS
Name two times this year when the President barfed.
"NOISES OFF" (NEW MOVIE)
How does Marlin Fitzwater greet the audio man in the press
lounge?
THE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING EVENT IN BARCELONA
What's the next contest Paul Tsongas will enter?
THE SPOTTED OWL AND A CURRENT MEMBER OF THE HOUSE
Name two endangered species.
BOING, BOING, BOING
Describe the sound made by a congressman cashing his check.
A ZAMFIR ALBUM AND A THANK YOU NOTE FROM JERRY BROWN
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 27 1992 2:15PM P05
4-
what do you get when you send money in to an 800 number?
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, JERRY BROWN, AND DAVID DUKE
Name a hunk, a monk, and a punk.
VACLEV HAVEL (SP) AND STEPHEN SOLARZ
DD
Name two guys who bounced a lot of Czechs.
WHERE THE RUBBER MEETS THE ROAD
HOW would you give a freshman congressman directions to the
House bank?
C-SPAN'S COVERAGE OF THE HOUSE AND "WAYNE'S WORLD"
Name two cable shows that are a joke.
BEAUTY AND THE BEAST
DD
Describe the stars of "Prime Time Live"
A MOTEL AND THE BELTWAY
Name two places this year a politician doesn't want to be
caught inside of.
SCUD MISSILES AND CHEMICAL WEAPONS
AA
What does Bill Clinton expect from Jerry Brown at their next
debate?
H. ROSS PEROT AND A CONGRESSMAN'S CHECK
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 27 1992 2:15PM P06
-
-5-
Name two things that are short.
RO-NOT OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY
what should you not do following the Gridiron speeches?
POLITICAL COMMERCIALS AND YASSAR ARAFAT'S WEDDING NIGHT
Where would you find disgusting sights (images)?
IRAQ AND TED KENNEDY'S BACHELOR PARTY
Name two places the State Department declared off-limits to
American tourists.
LOOKING FOR THE UNION LABEL
What did Lane Kirkland tell the press he was doing in the
Ramada Inn with three members of the International Ladies
Garment Workers Union?
HIS OLD CHECKS
What did Dick Cheney have Patriot missiles intercept and
destroy?
A WAR ZONE
DD
What would you call a cocktail party attended by Nina
Totenberg and Al Simpson?
THE ARKANSAS CHICKEN
What's our answer to Iraq's chemical weapons?
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 27 1992 2:15PM P07
-b-
COSMONAUT SERGEI KRIKALEV
Who's spent more time in space than Jerry Brown?
COSMONAUT SERGEI KRIKALEV
DD
Who's spent more time out of his country than George Bush?
A GOLDEN PARACHUTE
DD
What will pop out of Lec Iacocca's steering wheel?
JOE CAMEL
Name the only animal Jesse Helms wants on the endangered
species list.
LET'S . RUMBLE!
AA
What does the moderator say before a clinton-Brown debate?
THE JAWS OF LIFE
What would it take to remove an incumbent from his seat?
THE JAWS OF LIFE
What would it take to get Jerry Brown to remove his UAW
jacket?
AN ISOLATIONIST
What do you call a guy who showed up for a Tom Harkin
victory party?
From : RAYMOND SILLER
PHONE No. : 213 573 2020
Mar. 27 1992 2:16PM P08
-1-
A BILLION DOLLARS
What's the minimum contribution Ross Perot will acept on his
800 number?
THE KUWAITI AMBASSADOR
Who is Ross Perot's idea of middle class?
THE KRUGGERAND STOPS HERE
What is ROGE Perot's campaign slogan?
SUPER TUESDAY
what did Ron Brown call the Tuesday when Jerry Brown had
root canal?
ENOUGH ALREADY. PASS THE CURRY.
What did Mother Teresa say when Jerry Brown told her his 800
number?
A TEAM OF U.N. INSPECTORS
Who will supervise the dismantling of Ted Kennedy's little
black book?
THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON
SCHEDULE OF THE PRESIDENT AND MRS. BUSH
FOR
WASHINGTON, D.C.
SATURDAY, MARCH 28, 1992
EVENT:
107th Annual Gridiron Dinner
DRESS:
Men
- White Tie
Women
- Long Dress
CONTACTS:
Presidential Advance Office
Ed Murnane
- 202/456-7565
Trip Coordinator
Kris Goodwin
- 202/456-7565
ADVANCE:
Mark Rosenker
- LEAD
Steve Ross
= - PRESS
Tom Poitras
- USSS
Trudy Clark
- WHCA
WHITE
John Wissler
- MIL. AIDE
WEATHER:
Partly Cloudy/Mid 40's
TIE
SCHEDULE OF THE PRESIDENT AND MRS. BUSH
FOR
WASHINGTON, D.C.
SATURDAY, MARCH 28, 1992
6:45 pm
THE PRESIDENT and Mrs. Bush depart White
House en route Capital Hilton Hotel.
MOTORCADE ASSIGNMENTS:
Lead
Spare
B. Farish
Doctor
LIMO
THE PRESIDENT
Mrs. Bush
Follow Up
Control
H. Moore
Gen. Scowcroft
Mil. Aide
Support
M. Fitzwater
M. Lukens
P. Swift
Official Photographer
Medic
WHCA
Staff II
All Remaining Staff
(Minivan)
Press Van I
K. Hyde
Press Van II
(Drive Time: 5 Minutes)
6:50 pm
THE PRESIDENT and Mrs. Bush arrive Capital Hilton
Hotel and proceed to Continental Room.
Met by:
Mr. and Mrs. Dan K. Thomasson (La Queta)
President, Gridiron Club and Vice President
for News, Scripps Howard Newspapers
Mr. Carl T. Motter
President, Hilton Hotels
Mr. Peter Kretschmann
General Manager, Capital Hilton
6:53 pm
THE PRESIDENT and Mrs. Bush, accompanied by
Mr. and Mrs. Thomasson, arrive Continental Room
and hold briefly.
Met by:
Mr. Patrick Thomasson
Son of Mr. and Mrs. Thomasson
Mr. Scot Thomasson
Son of Mr. and Mrs. Thomasson
Mr. Sean Thomasson
Son of Mr. and Mrs. Thomasson
Mr. and Mrs. Troy Fritchett (Lisa)
Daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Thomasson
6:57 pm
THE PRESIDENT and Mrs. Bush, accompanied by
Mr. and Mrs. Thomasson, depart Continental Room
and proceed to Presidential Ballroom Off-Stage
Announcement Area.
6:58 pm
THE PRESIDENT and Mrs. Bush, accompanied by
Mr. and Mrs. Thomasson, arrive Presidential
Ballroom Off-Stage Announcement Area and hold
briefly.
Page Two
EVENT:
107TH ANNUAL GRIDIRON DINNER
CLOSED PRESS
RUFFLES AND FLOURISHES
OFF-STAGE ANNOUNCEMENT
HAIL TO THE CHIEF
BRIEF REMARKS
WHITE TIE
6:59 pm
THE PRESIDENT and Mrs. Bush, accompanied by
Mr. and Mrs. Thomasson, are announced into
Presidential Ballroom, proceed to Seats at Head
Table, and are Seated.
7:00 pm Dinner and Entertainment begin.
10:55 pm Mr. Thomasson offers Toast to THE
PRESIDENT.
NOTE:
Upon conclusion of Toast, THE
PRESIDENT proceeds to Podium.
10:56 pm
THE PRESIDENT gives Brief Remarks.
11:10 pm
THE PRESIDENT concludes Brief Remarks and
remains Standing for Singing of "Auld Lang
Syne."
11:12 pm
THE PRESIDENT and Mrs. Bush conclude participation
in Gridiron Dinner, and, accompanied by Mr. and
Mrs. Thomasson, depart Presidential Ballroom
and proceed to Motorcade.
Page Three
11:15 pm
THE PRESIDENT and Mrs. Bush bid Farewell to Mr.
and Mrs. Thomasson, board Motorcade, and
depart Capital Hilton en route White House.
MOTORCADE ASSIGNMENTS:
Same as on Arrival.
(Drive Time: 5 Minutes)
11:20 pm
THE PRESIDENT and Mrs. Bush arrive White House.
Page Four
DAN THOMASSON'S CARD
I HAVE LEARNED THE PRESIDENT WILL NOT BE SPEAKING
THIS EVENING. I HAVE BEEN ASKED TO TURN OVER THE
PROGRAM TO MARLIN FITZWATER.
GRIDIRON DINNER
SATURDAY, MARCH 28, 1992
MARLIN: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: I REGRET THAT THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES WILL NOT BE ABLE TO
SPEAK TO YOU THIS EVENING. HOWEVER, WE DO HAVE A VERY
SPECIAL GUEST TONIGHT -- A VISITOR FROM THE EAST, WHO
IS RETIRING FROM LATE NIGHT TELEVISION AFTER THIRTY
YEARS. HE IS THE ALL KNOWING, ALL SEEING, SAGE, AND
SOOTHSAYER, AND FORMER BAGGAGE HANDLER FOR AIR SUNUNU:
TARMAC THE MAGNIFICENT.
- 2 -
TARMAC KNOWS THE ANSWERS BEFORE HE KNOWS THE
QUESTIONS. KIND OF LIKE PRESIDENTIAL POLITICS. WITH
US TONIGHT, TARMAC WILL ANSWER THE QUESTIONS BEFORE HE
HAS SEEN THEM. As A CHILD OF FOUR CAN SEE, THESE
QUESTIONS HAVE BEEN KEPT HERMETICALLY SEALED, IN A
MAYONNAISE JAR, ON FUNK AND WAGNALL'S PORCH, IN THE
HOUSE BANK. No ONE KNOWS THE CONTENTS OF THESE
ENVELOPES. BUT YOU, oH MYSTICAL ONE, WILL ASCERTAIN
THE ANSWER HAVING NEVER BEFORE HEARD THE QUESTION.
HERE, OLD GREAT MYSTIC, IS THE FIRST ENVELOPE.
- 3 -
PRESIDENT: YOU'RE PADDING YOUR PART, ELEPHANT
BREATH . . .
{ENVELOPE NUMBER ONE.}
MARLIN: FUNK AND WAGNALL'S PORCH.
NOON TODAY.
- 4 -
MARLIN: I HOLD IN MY HAND THE LAST ENVELOPE.
{AFTER CHEERING}
PRESIDENT: MAY YOUR FIRST BORN DAUGHTER MARRY A
CONGRESSMAN AND MAY YOUR NIELSEN RATINGS MATCH MY
POLLS.
JABS AT MARLIN
-- LEAN CUISINE BREATH
-- TOUPEE-LESS ONE
-- SNACK-SNEAKING SNOWBALL
-- MAN OF A THOUSAND AND ONE INCHES
-- MY FULL-FIGURED FLACK
GROANER COMEBACKS
MAY YOUR NIELSENS MATCH MY POLLS
-- MAY YOU BE REINCARNATED AS AN NEA CHAIRMAN
-- MAY YOU CONTRACT TERMINAL WRITER'S BLOCK
-- MAY YOU RIDE SHOTGUN TO NEW JERSEY WITH JOHN
SUNUNU
GROANER COMEBACKS
-- MAY YOU BE REINCARNATED AS AN NEA CHAIRMAN
-- MAY YOU CONTRACT TERMINAL WRITER'S BLOCK
-- MAY YOU RIDE SHOTGUN TO NEW JERSEY WITH JOHN
SUNUNU
SAY AFTER CHEERING FOR LAST ENVELOPE:
-- MAY YOUR FIRST-BORN DAUGHTER MARRY A
CONGRESSMAN 11 AND MAY YOUR NEILSON RATINGS
MATCH MY POLLS.
THE IDEAL DETROIT,
MICHIGAN SOUND BITE.
1
QUE SERA, SERA.
2
SADDAM HUSSEIN
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
PAUL TSONGAS
3
WHEEL OF FORTUNE
McLAUGHLIN GROUP
AND MARIO CUOMO
4
BURTON LEE,
BIG BEN,
JERRY BROWN'S FLAT TAX
5
SARA Mc CLENDON
AND
JACK GERMOND
b
LOOKING FOR THE
UNION LABEL.
7
RUSSIAN CAPITALISM,
REEBOK PUMPS,
SUPERMARKET SCANNERS
8
b
A BILLION DOLLARS
GALLAPAGOS ISLANDS,
NATIONAL AQUARIUM,
AND JERRY BROWN
10
COSMONAUT SERGEI
KRIKALEV
11
THREE WORDS THAT WILL
BRING THE HOUSE DOWN.
12
"ICH BIN EIN MERCEDES OWNER."
SPANISH, FOR "READ MY LIPS".
A SCUD, A STUD, AND A FUDD.
A GAME SHOW, A TALK SHOW, AND A NO SHOW.
NAME A DOC, A CLOCK, AND A CROCK.
WHAT TWO PEOPLE WOULD YOU NOT
WANT TO SEE DANCING THE LAMBADA?
WHAT DID LANE KIRKLAND TELL THE PRESS HE WAS
DOING IN THE RAMADA INN WITH THREE MEMBERS OF
THE INTERNATIONAL LADIES GARMENT WORKERS UNION?
NAME THREE NEW INVENTIONS IN 1992.
WHAT'S THE MINIMUM CONTRIBUTION ROSS PEROT
WILL ACCEPT ON HIS 800 NUMBER?
THREE PLACES WHERE YOU'LL FIND A LOT OF TURTLENECKS.
WHO'S SPENT MORE TIME OUT OF HIS COUNTRY
THAN GEORGE BUSH?
I'M OUTTA HERE.
Jack Nelson
requeststhe pleasure of the company of
David 7. Demarest, Jr.
at the Dinner of
The Gridiron Club
at the Capital Hilton, Washington, D.C.
Saturday evening the twenty eighth of March, 1992
at seven o'clock
White Tie
Cocktails
an early answer is requested
at five thirty o'clock
NORSVP.
The Hearst Newspapers
cordially invite you to a
Reception
immediately following
The Gridinon Dinner
Saturday, March 28, 1992
The Federal Room
Frank A. Bennack, In
Charles J. Lewis
William R. Hearst, In
President
Marianne Means
Editox-in-Chief
Robert Danzig
Robert E. Thompson
Joseph Kingsbury-Smith
V.P.-General Manager
Members of the Gridinon Club
Vice-President
Spouses invited at 10 p.m.
You are cordially invited to a reception
immediately following the Gridiron dinner
News The
GANNETT
Saturday, March 28, 1992
Presidential Suite #1274
12th Floor
Capital Hilton
Washington, D.C.
John J. Curley
Robert H. Giles
Chairman, President & CEO
President, Publisher & Editor
Gannett
The Detroit News
Frank J. Vega
Richard Ryan
President & CEO
Washington Correspondent
Detroit Newspaper Agency
The Detroit News