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4525726
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Joke Cards, 1956-1958
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4525726
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document
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Joke Cards, 1956-1958
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Gerald R. Ford Congressional Papers
Speeches
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Political satire
Wit and humor
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1958-12-31
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1958
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1956-01-01
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1956
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The original documents are located in Box D14, folder "Joke Cards, 1956-1958" of the
Ford Congressional Papers: Press Secretary and Speech File at the Gerald R. Ford
Presidential Library.
Copyright Notice
The copyright law of the United States (Title 17, United States Code) governs the making of
photocopies or other reproductions of copyrighted material. The Council donated to the United
States of America his copyrights in all of his unpublished writings in National Archives collections.
Works prepared by U.S. Government employees as part of their official duties are in the public
domain. The copyrights to materials written by other individuals or organizations are presumed to
remain with them. If you think any of the information displayed in the PDF is subject to a valid
copyright claim, please contact the Gerald R. Ford Presidential Library.
Digitized from BoxD14 of The Ford Congressional Papers: Press Secretary
and Speech File at the Gerald R. Ford Presidential Library
A country school teacher, taking in the old
swimming hole one day, was discovered by several
of her school boys who proceeded, according to the
old custom, to tie her clothes in knots, but because
she was swimming in the nude, she was unable to get
out of the pool to chase them.
After swimming around for some time, she finally
touched an object in the bottom with her foot which
seemed to be a large wash tub. This, she thought,
solved the entire problem. She quickly dived down,
retrieved the tub, put it in front of her, and
started out of the pond to chase the boys. In
chasing one boy, the ringleader, she started in by
saying - - "You know what I think?" Whereupon the
boy replied: "Yes, I know what you think -- you
think there's a bottom in that tub, but there ain't."
FORD & LIBRARY GERALD
The Communist meeting was a huge success. Speaker
after speaker told the proletariat present that the
time was drawing nigh to strike off their shackles,
to over throw the Government.
As the faithful cherred, the Chairman beamed.
But he didn't fail to catch the one discordant note.
Off in a corner of the dingy meeting hall, one
of the members sat on his hands. His brow was
furrowed. He was worried.
Finally, he struggled to his feet and was recognized,
"Comrade Chairman," he said plaintively, "comes
the revolution, I am all for it. But one thing
bothers me. When we overthrow this oppressive
capitalist government we new have, what happens to
LIBRARY
my unemployment compensation check?"
R.FORD & LIBRARY GERALD
It's far-sighted of the Democrats to try to give the
taxpayer a break now. If they ever get back in power,
it's a cinch he'll never get another one.
FOND
While the Congressman was standing outside the
post office in his home town out west, a cowboy
galloped up, reined his horse to a halt, and tossed
the reins to the Congressman.
"Here, Boy, hold my horse for a few minutes,
will you?" he asked.
Drawing himself up to his fullest height, the
Congressman shouted, "Boy! I'll have you know I'm
a United States Congressman."
"Oh, I see," said the cowboy, "In that case I I'll
get somebody else to do it. Thanks for warning me."
GERALD
IBRARY
A certain farmer during hunting season took
a bucket of paint and painted the word C 0 W in
large letters on all his animals to prevent them
being shot by city hunters. A friend questioned
him and asked if he should not distinguish the
sex such as bulls or COWS when writing the name,
to which the farmer replied, "Why confuse the city
fellers with details."
FORD & LIBRARY GERALD
Politician to wife after an election . -
"Well, honey, I was elected."
Wife - "Honestly?"
Politician - "Well, what difference does it make."
FORD & LIBRARY GERALD
(Senator Norris Cotton, (R-N.H.)
"You remember the young farm hand who wanted to
borrow a lantern to go courting his girl. The
farmer scoffed at the idea. 'I never bothered
with a lantern when I went courting,' he said.
'Yes,' responded the young farmhand. 'And look
what you got!'"
FORD & LIBRARY GERALD
(Representative Laurence Curtis (R-Mass)
"Recent events have started this story on the
rounds of Washington. A reporter asked a newly-
elected Congressman: 'Will you consult with the
interests that control you before making any big
decision?'
"'Of course,' replied the Congressman deftly,
'But why bring my wife into this discussi on?
GERIID FORD LIBRARY
Two Russian scientists talking. First one states,
"Adam and Eve were Russians." "Why," asked the
other, "can you prove it?" "Easily" said the
second, "Adam and Eve had no home, and no clothes,
only applès to eat and they thought they were in
paradise -- they must have been Russian."
FORD & LIBRARY GEAALD
School Construction Bill
A. 19 states with slightly more than 6%
of classroom shortage would get more
than 50% of federal money.
B.7 states with 57% of current classroom
shortage would receive only 14% of federal
money.
FORD & LIBRARY GERALD
Psychiatrist - "Is there any insanity in your
family?"
Patient - "There must be They keep writing me
for money."
F O
Safety sign in front of school states -
"Don't t kill a child."
In a child's scrawl underneath were the words.
"No, wait for the teacher."
FORD & LIBRARY GERALD
Officer to Private picking cooties from
his underwear. "Well, Joe, I see you are picking
them out." "No sir, I am taking them as they
come."
FORD is LIBRARY CERALD
Captain writing in ship log, "Mate was drunk
today. " Inasmuch as this was the first offense
for the mate, he pleaded long and hard with the
Captain who insisted that all details and only
the truth be recorded in the log, and refused
to change the statement, after much pleading on
the part of the mate, Consequently, with such
a desire for the truth, the mate being on duty
the following day wrote in the log, "Captain was
sober today."
FORDO i LIBRARY GERALD
An Indian, having gone to see his doctor who
after examining him, told him to be careful about
what he ate. In fact, he told him not to eat until
he got an appetite.
Meeting the Indian a few days later, the doctor
asked him how he felt. The Indian replied, "Oh
I feel fine now. I wait one day -- appetite no
come. I wait two days -- appetite no come. I
wait three days -- appetite no come. Get so damn
hungry, me eat anyhow.'
FORD & LIBRARY SERALD
Irate Constituent: "Look here, I wrote you a
post card two weeks ago, and you haven't made my
wife's brother a postmaster yet. If that's all you
care about my support after the way I helped you get
elected, I'm through with you."
Congressman: "But I've worked hard to be a good
representative for you. I've helped raise your
wages, lower your taxes, protect your old age with
Social Security..."
Irate Constituent: "I don't care how good you are.
I wouldn't vote for you now if you were St. Peter RD
himself."
Congressman: (gently) "If I were St. Peter, my
friend, you wouldn't be in my precinct."
CER
LIBRARY
7/14/58
Story:
There was a young fellow in one of the southern
states who wanted to get off from work to attend a
Lodge meeting. He went to his boss and asked if he
could get away for this important function.
The boss asked if he was the Lodge Master.
Boy said, No, he was only Grand Exalted Supreme
Master of the Universe but that made him sixth FOR from
the top.
GERALD.
LIBRARY
7/14/58
Story: A raw rookie with the Cleveland Indians
was coming to bat against Washington Senators when
Walter Johnson was in his prime as a fast ball
pitcher.
Johnson on his first pitch really threw a
fast one by the rookie batter.
After the pitch the rookie turned to ask
the umpire if he saw the pitch which he called a
strike.
The rookie without trying to irritate the
umpire said, "It sure sounded high to me.
FORD i LIBRARY GERALD
"The best way to save face is to keep
the lower half of it shut, If
GERALD Towalt R. FORD
group of French and Americans playing bridge
on a trans-Atlantic liner. One Frenchman being very
successful was slappedon the back by an American with
the compliment, "You lucky dog." The term, dog, as
you know, being most irreverent by the Frenchman
caused much commotion, However, after getting
things straightened out, the Frenchman was very
happy and proceeded with the play. A little later
one of the American wives was being quite lucky at
the game, and the Frenchman wishing to enter ihtol
the spirit of the thing and use the collogujal
GERAL
LIBRARY
phrase still giving consideration to the French
instinct for technicalities in their genders, slapped
the lady on the back and exclaimed, "Oh, you lucky
bitch."
(Representative Brooks Hays (D-Ark.)
"This is the season when stories like this
circulate in the claokroom: A Congressman's friend
(after a visit to his district) asked: 'Did you
know that Tom Sullivan is to run against you?'
"Well, replied the Congressman, 'I am not sur-
prised. He's an ingrate and a scoundred, if I ever
knew one; lucky to be out of the penitentiary.
"Then his friend added: 'Jim Jones is also
threatening to announce.'
FORD
"The Congressman replied: "Well, he's just the
LIB
same type - a reprobate, a thoroughly evil character
"Aw, I'm just kiddin' you, said his friend.
PARY
AR
'I saw them both; they asked about you and send
their regards.'
H # Now see what you've done,' the Congressman
said. 'You've made me say some ugly things about
two of the sweetest, finest, most upright men in
my district.'"
FORD & LIBRARY GERALD