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    "title": "Annual Dinner, The Gridiron Club, Washington, DC, March 9, 1968",
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    "ocrText": "The original documents are located in Box D24, folder \"Annual Dinner, The Gridiron\nClub, Washington, DC, March 9, 1968\" of the Ford Congressional Papers: Press Secretary\nand Speech File at the Gerald R. Ford Presidential Library.\nCopyright Notice\nThe copyright law of the United States (Title 17, United States Code) governs the making of\nphotocopies or other reproductions of copyrighted material. The Council donated to the United\nStates of America his copyrights in all of his unpublished writings in National Archives collections.\nWorks prepared by U.S. Government employees as part of their official duties are in the public\ndomain. The copyrights to materials written by other individuals or organizations are presumed to\nremain with them. If you think any of the information displayed in the PDF is subject to a valid\ncopyright claim, please contact the Gerald R. Ford Presidential Library.\nM Office Copy\nOFF-THE-RECORD REMARKS\nOF REP. GERALD R. FORD (R-MICH.)\nMINORITY LEADER OF THE U.S. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES\nAT THE ANNUAL DINNER OF\nTHE GRIDIRON CLUB OF WASHINGTON D.C.\nMARCH 9, 1968\nMr. Vice-President, Mr. President Finney,\nGentlemen of the Gridiron, and Deductible Guests. (Laughter)\nWhat the President calls us in public\nWooden Soldiers\nis nothing\ncompared to what he calls us in private. (Laughter)\nLet me tell you a little inside story. I've heard that President Johnson\ntells his visitors: \"There's nothing wrong with Jerry Ford except he played\nfootball too long (Laughter)\nwithout a helmet.\" (Laughter)\nNow I don't mind a little joke. But like so many other things you hear\nnowadays, that just isn't true. (Laughter)\nAnd I can prove it. On the Gridiron, I always wear my helmet. (Prolonged\nlaughter)\nThis is really my helmet\nit used to fit. (Prolonged laughter and\napplause)\nWell, everything's getting a little tight tonight. (Laughter)\nThey're really tightening up security down at the White House. The President\nisn't leaving any lock unturned. I'm told the CIA, the FBI, and the Secret\nService all are trying to identify a mystery man who really has his fingers in\nhigh places\nthe President's new hairdresser. (Prolonged laughter)\nHe goes by a code name\nThe Lone Arranger. (Prolonged laughter)\nWhy did I ever tell Nat Finney I wanted to be the next Republican Speaker?\nMatching me against Hubert Humphrey for laughs is like putting Twiggy up against\nZsa Zsa Gabor. (Prolonged laughter)\nNat told me how it would go tonight. He said first he'd give a little\ntalk\nand next I'd give a little talk\nand then the Vice-President\nwould follow.\nI said: \"Who follows the Vice-President?\"\nHe said: \"Hardly anybody.\" (Prolonged laughter and applause)\nIt's good to see so many great political writers here tonight. More and\nmore lately, you gentlemen have been the zipper on the Credibility Gap. (Laughter)\nNow where else in Washington can you bask in the warm glow of good\nfellowship\nand see Bill Fulbright toast President Johnson's health in\nCharlie DeGaulle's wine? (Prolonged laughter)\n(more)\nDigitized from Box D24 of The Ford Congressional Papers: Press Secretary and Speech File at the Gerald R. Ford Presidential Library\n-2-\nIt's really tough speaking for the political party that produced one of\nthe wittiest Presidents of all time\na great Republican who always lightened\nhis burdens with laughter and humor and jokes\nCalvin Coolidge. (Prolonged\nlaughter)\nHistory tells that Governor Coolidge got to the White House by sticking his\nnose into a big city strike. You can see who's been doing his homework lately.\n(Prolonged laughter)\nYou know issues are funny. We had the Missile Gap\nthe Anti-Missile\nGap\nNow\nthe Garbage Gap. (Laughter)\nThe only question: which smells worse, the strike or the settlement?\n(Laughter)\nYou know, getting rid of something you once needed, but don't want around\nanymore is really a headache\neven for Presidents.\nAs a matter of fact, Presidents are not always considerate of their\nVice-Presidents.\nRemember when Nixon returned from South America\nstoned? (Prolonged\nlaughter)\nRemember when Johnson had to fly 26,000 miles\nfor\na\ncamel?\n(Laughter)\nFrankly, if I were Vice-President Humphrey, and just got home from a\nbackbreaking tour of Africa, and the next day my President put a stop to all\nforeign travel (Laughter)\nWell, I'd lead a pretty good riot myself.\n(Prolonged laughter)\nBut what a full public career Vice-President Humphrey has had\njust one\nlong struggle against McCarthyism. (Prolonged laughter and applause)\nHe's been birched red by the Old Right\nand rapped brown by the New\nLeft. (Prolonged laughter)\nBut Hubert always comes up smiling. He's really the Pagliacci of politics.\n(Laughter)\nIncidentally, I have a neighbor who's a real 100% Democrat\nthat's\nwhat you get with open housing. (Prolonged laughter)\nHe claims President Johnson is a teabag candidate\nhis strength comes\nout only when he's in real hot water. (Laughter)\nThere's only one problem.\nDid you ever try using the same teabag for\nnine years? (Prolonged laughter)\nI know LBJ isn't going to miss a trick. Look how he's going after the\nserviceman's vote. You know, one of Bob McNamara's economy moves was doing away\n(more)\n-3-\nwith paper towels in all Pentagon washrooms. Now they've installed those little\nhand drying machines at every military base. On every machine there's a big\nsign: Press this button and you will hear a message from your Commander-in-Chief.\n(Prolonged laughter and applause)\nAll kidding aside, I do hope President Johnson finds time to drop by later.\nNat, has anybody checked to be sure the elevator is working? (Laughter)\nI think the former Attorney General is here\nat least I saw his\nstand-in. Bobby Kennedy had more foresight than most. He's one guy who got\noff the river boat so fast he got his money back. (Laughter)\nPolitically, Bobby's now at the awkward age.\nHe's too young to be President\nand he's really too old for that\nhaircut. (Prolonged laughter)\nI sort of sympathize with the Senator from New York. I know there's one\nbig dealer here in town who'd like to send this Ford back to Michigan. (Laughter)\nBut that would be dirty politics at its Nader. (Prolonged laughter)\nRight now though, the President better keep his eyes on Gene McCarthy. Gene\ntalks a lot about principal, but he's a typical Democrat alright. His interest\nrate keeps going higher and higher. (Laughter)\nNow that George Wallace, there's a horse of a different color.\nIn your heart, you know he's white. (Prolonged laughter)\nIf George sneaks off with just a few little ol' electoral votes, we may\nhave to pick the next President in the House of Representatives.\nWhat a parliamentary foul-up! After the election of 1800, the House went\non and on and on for 36 ballots and they didn't even have H. R. Gross.\n(Laughter)\nThe Democrats, as usual, would be divided between LBJ and George Wallace.\nBut you know\n------\nwe Republicans are always united. (Laughter)\nWe'd all rally 'round that great Republican champion: Ronald\nMilhous\nPercyfeller. (Prolonged laughter)\nOur Republican drag race is still exciting, even with our Michigan Rambler\nscratched.\nThere's Nelson Rockefeller. He still won't volunteer\nbut last week\nhe installed a hot line to his draft board. (Laughter)\nNelson is the best man to save the American dollar\nit's a family\nhabit. (Laughter) After all, Governor Rockefeller is the only taxpayer who\ncan balance the Federal budget with his Mad Money. (Laughter)\n(more)\n-4-\nDick Nixon doesn't have to stay in politics for the money, either. Only\nlast week the Schick Razor Company offered him Two Million Dollars just to do a\nshaving commercial (Laughter) for Gillette. (Prolonged laughter) Dick's\nthe only candidate who gets Five O'Clock Shadow on the \"Today\" Show. (Prolonged\nlaughter)\nOh,\nthen there's Pistol Packin' Percy. Chuck's the one who went to\nVietnam and nearly shot his own brainwasher. (Prolonged laughter and applause)\nAnd Governor Reagan, he says he isn't running for President either. I\nbelieve him\neven if his door chimes do play \"Hail To The Chief.\" (Laughter)\nLet's not forget Harold Stassen\nwouldn't it be great if we could? (Laughter)\nHarold isn't the youngest candidate anymore, but I guess you'd have to say he's\nthe most WIGerous. (Prolonged laughter)\nOf course, you can't blame anyone for trying.\nHenry Clay always said he'd rather be right than President.\nNow President Johnson has proved once and for all\nit really is a\nchoice. (Prolonged laughter)\nYou know, I nearly didn't get here on time tonight. When I heard it was\nto be a bi-partisan affair, I went straight to the President's Club.\nIsn't that where you go to Buy Partisans? (Laughter)\nOf course, partisanship has to stop somewhere. The things that unite us as\nAmericans are far more enduring than the things that divide us\nand one of\nthese is our national sense of humor.\nThe Gridiron Club nourishes this great tradition. As the campaign gets\nhotter, let's all remember to singe but never to burn\nthat not just the\nhippies, but all of us, would lots rather make love than war\nthat both\nDemocrats and Republicans are striving together to create a more perfect Union,\nwith liberty and justice for all.\nOur unwritten compact of respect for the convictions of others and faith in\nthe decency of others, allows Americans the luxury of rugged political competition.\nLet's all work to banish war from our shrinking world and hate from our expanding\nhearts\nto make this whole planet as full of friendship and felicity as this\nroom tonight.\nIn this spirit, let me assure the distinguished Vice-President of the United\nStates, before all of you, that I have absolutely no designs on his job.\n(Laughter)\nHow many others in this room can make that statement? (Prolonged laughter)\n(more)\n-5-\nI'm serious. I'm not at all interested in the Vice-Presidency.\nI love the House of Representatives, despite the long, irregular hours.\nSometimes, though, when it's late and I'm tired and hungry on that\nlong drive home to Alexandria as I go past 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, I\ndo seem to hear a little voice saying:\n\"If you lived here, you'd be home now.\" (Prolonged laughter and applause)\n# # #\nOFF-THE-RECORD REMARKS\nOF REP. GERALD R. FORD (R-MICH.)\nMINORITY LEADER OF THE U.S. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES\nAT THE ANNUAL DINNER OF\nTHE GRIDIRON CLUB OF WASHINGTON D.C.\nHomeman\nMARCH 9, 1968\nMrs\nMr. Vice-President, Mr. President Finney,\nGentlemen of the Gridiron, and Deductible Guests. (Laughter)\nWhat the President calls us in public\nWooden Soldiers\nis nothing\ncompared to what he calls us in private. (Laughter)\nLet me tell you a little inside story. I've heard that President Johnson\ntells his visitors: \"There's nothing wrong with Jerry Ford except he played\nfootball too long (Laughter)\nwithout a helmet.\" (Laughter)\nNow I don't mind a little joke. But like so many other things you hear\nnowadays, that just isn't true. (Laughter)\nAnd I can prove it. On the Gridiron, I always wear my helmet. (Prolonged\nlaughter)\nThis is really my helmet\n-----\nit used to fit. (Prolonged laughter and\napplause)\nWell, everything's getting a little tight tonight. (Laughter)\nThey're really tightening up security down at the White House. The President\nisn't leaving any lock unturned. I'm told the CIA, the FBI, and the Secret\nService all are trying to identify a mystery man who really has his fingers in\nhigh places\n-----\nthe President's new hairdresser. (Prolonged laughter)\nHe goes by a code name\nThe Lone Arranger. (Prolonged laughter)\nWhy did I ever tell Nat Finney I wanted to be the next Republican Speaker?\nMatching me against Hubert Humphrey for laughs is like putting Twiggy up against\nZsa Zsa Gabor. (Prolonged laughter)\nNat told me how it would go tonight. He said first he'd give a little\ntalk\nand next I'd give a little talk\nand then the Vice-President\nwould follow.\nI said: \"Who follows the Vice-President?\"\nHe said: \"Hardly anybody.\" (Prolonged laughter and applause)\nIt's good to see so many great political writers here tonight. More and\nmore lately, you gentlemen have been the zipper on the Credibility Gap. (Laughter)\nNow where else in Washington can you bask in the warm glow of good\nfellowship\nand see Bill Fulbright toast President Johnson's health in\nCharlie DeGaulle's wine? (Prolonged laughter)\n(more) FORD LIBRARY\nGE\n-2-\nIt's really tough speaking for the political party that produced one of\nthe wittiest Presidents of all time\na great Republican who always lightened\nhis burdens with laughter and humor and jokes\nCalvin Coolidge. (Prolonged\nlaughter)\nHistory tells that Governor Coolidge got to the White House by sticking his\nnose into a big city strike. You can see who's been doing his homework lately.\n(Prolonged laughter)\nYou know issues are funny. We had the Missile Gap the\nAnti-Missile\nGap\nNow\nthe Garbage Gap. (Laughter)\nThe only question: which smells worse, the strike or the settlement?\n(Laughter)\nYou know, getting rid of something you once needed, but don't want around\nanymore is really a headache\neven for Presidents.\nAs a matter of fact, Presidents are not always considerate of their\nVice-Presidents.\nRemember when Nixon returned from South America\nstoned? (Prolonged\nlaughter)\nRemember when Johnson had to fly 26,000 miles\nfor a camel? (Laughter)\nFrankly, if I were Vice-President Humphrey, and just got home from a\nbackbreaking tour of Africa, and the next day my President put a stop to all\nforeign travel (Laughter)\nWell, I'd lead a pretty good riot myself.\n(Prolonged laughter)\nBut what a full public career Vice-President Humphrey has had\njust one\nlong struggle against McCarthyism. (Prolonged laughter and applause)\nHe's been birched red by the Old Right\nand rapped brown by the New\nLeft. (Prolonged laughter)\nBut Hubert always comes up smiling. He's really the Pagliacci of politics.\n(Laughter)\nIncidentally, I have a neighbor who's a real 100% Democrat\nthat's\nwhat you get with open housing. (Prolonged laughter)\nHe claims President Johnson is a teabag candidate\nhis strength comes\nout only when he's in real hot water. (Laughter)\nThere's only one problem.\nDid you ever try using the same teabag for\nnine years? (Prolonged laughter)\nI know LBJ isn't going to miss a trick. Look how he's going after the\nserviceman's vote. You know, one of Bob McNamara's economy moves was doing away\n(more)\n-3-\nwith paper towels in all Pentagon washrooms. Now they've installed those little\nhand drying machines at every military base. On every machine there's a big\nsign: Press this button and you will hear a message from your Commander-in-Chief.\n(Prolonged laughter and applause)\nAll kidding aside, I do hope President Johnson finds time to drop by later.\nNat, has anybody checked to be sure the elevator is working? (Laughter)\nI think the former Attorney General is here\nat least I saw his\nstand-in. Bobby Kennedy had more foresight than most. He's one guy who got\noff the river boat so fast he got his money back. (Laughter)\nPolitically, Bobby's now at the awkward age.\nHe's too young to be President\nand he's really too old for that\nhaircut. (Prolonged laughter)\nHaysteah in heat\nI sort of sympathize with the Senator from New York. I know there's one\nbig dealer here in town who'd like to send this Ford back to Michigan. (Laughter)\nBut that would be dirty politics at its Nader. (Prolonged laughter)\nRight now though, the President better keep his eyes on Gene McCarthy. Gene\ntalks a lot about principal, but he's a typical Democrat alright. His interest\nrate keeps going higher and higher. (Laughter)\nNow that George Wallace, there's a horse of a different color.\nIn your heart, you know he's white. (Prolonged laughter)\nIf George sneaks off with just a few little ol' electoral votes, we may\nhave to pick the next President in the House of Representatives.\nWhat a parliamentary foul-up! After the election of 1800, the House went\non and on and on for 36 ballots\nand they didn't even\n(Laughter)\nBolly have H. Ane R. Gross me Earthy\nThe Democrats, as usual, would be divided between LBJ and/George Wallace.\nBut you know we Republicans are always united. (Laughter)\nWe'd all rally 'round that great Republican champion: Ronald\nMilhous\nPercyfeller. (Prolonged laughter)\nOur Republican drag race is still exciting, even with our Michigan Rambler\nscratched.\nThere's Nelson Rockefeller. He still won't volunteer\nbut last week\nhe installed a hot line to his draft board. (Laughter)\nNelson is the best man to save the American dollar\nit's a family\nhabit. (Laughter) After all, Governor Rockefeller is the only taxpayer who\ncan balance the Federal budget with his Mad Money. (Laughter)\n(more) FORD LIBRARY\n-4-\nDick Nixon doesn't have to stay in politics for the money, either. Only\nlast week the Schick Razor Company offered him Two Million Dollars just to do a\nshaving commercial (Laughter) for Gillette. (Prolonged laughter) Dick's\nthe only candidate who gets Five O'Clock Shadow on the \"Today\" Show. (Prolonged\nlaughter)\nOh,\nthen there's Pistol Packin' Percy. Chuck's the one who went to\nVietnam and nearly shot his own brainwasher. (Prolonged laughter and applause)\nAnd Governor Reagan, he says he isn't running for President either. I\nbelieve him\neven if his door chimes do play \"Hail To The Chief.\" (Laughter)\nLet's not forget Harold Stassen wouldn't it be great if we could? (Laughter)\nHarold isn't the youngest candidate anymore, but I guess you'd have to say he's\nthe most WIGerous. (Prolonged laughter)\nOf course, you can't blame anyone for trying.\nHenry Clay always said he'd rather be right than President.\nNow President Johnson has proved once and for all it really is a\nchoice. (Prolonged laughter)\nYou know, I nearly didn't get here on time tonight. When I heard it was\nto be a bi-partisan affair, I went straight to the President's Club.\nIsn't that where you go to Buy Partisans? (Laughter)\nOf course, partisanship has to stop somewhere. The things that unite us as\nAmericans are far more enduring than the things that divide us\nand one of\nthese is our national sense of humor.\nThe Gridiron Club nourishes this great tradition.\nAs the campaign gets\nhotter, let's all remember to singe but never to burn\nthat not just the\nhippies, but all of us, would lots rather make love than war\nthat both\nDemocrats and Republicans are striving together to create a more perfect Union,\nwith liberty and justice for all.\nOur unwritten compact of respect for the convictions of others and faith in\nthe decency of others, allows Americans the luxury of rugged political competition.\nLet's all work to banish war from our shrinking world and hate from our expanding\nhearts\nto make this whole planet as full of friendship and felicity as this\nroom tonight.\nIn this spirit, let me assure the distinguished Vice-President of the United\nStates, before all of you, that I have absolutely no designs on his job.\n(Laughter)\nHow many others in this room can make that statement? (Prolonged laughter)\n(more)\n-5-\nI'm serious. I'm not at all interested in the Vice-Presidency.\nI love the House of Representatives, despite the long, irregular hours.\nSometimes, though, when it's late and I'm tired and hungry\non that\nlong drive home to Alexandria\nas I go past 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, I\ndo seem to hear a little voice saying:\n\"If you lived here, you'd be home now.\" (Prolonged laughter and applause)\n###\n96140\nsite 02 sie 30 you 0'} n'l\n.83000 INFORMATI (shol add stiqueb to SEOOH add svol I\n***** vignid line barth n'I bas adot 2'32 notes Virgoods\nI I, sunsvA coas sent I ES ----- of exercired good\n:notyas solor 513311 # read 03 asse ob\n(saunique has asditigual begnefor1) \".won saind ad E'vor ,sted boxis UOT 11\"\nfrom Parma Beathday Party\n2) Speech\n-&-\nto\n- - -\nFrance -\nJudy no\nOFF-THE-RECORD REMARKS\nOF REP. GERALD R. FORD (R-MICH.)\nMINORITY LEADER OF THE U.S. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES\nAT THE ANNUAL DINNER OF\nTHE GRIDIRON CLUB OF WASHINGTON D.C.\nMARCH 9, 1968\nMr. Vice-President, Mr. President Finney,\nGentlemen of the Gridiron, and Deductible Guests. (Laughter)\nWhat the President calls us in public\n-----\nWooden Soldiers\n-----\nis nothing\ncompared to what he calls us in private. (Laughter)\nLet me tell you a little inside story. I've heard that President Johnson\ntells his visitors: \"There's nothing wrong with Jerry Ford except he played\nfootball too long (Laughter) ----- without a helmet.\" (Laughter)\nNow I don't mind a little joke. But like so many other things you hear\nnowadays, that just isn't true. (Laughter)\nAnd I can prove it. On the Gridiron, always wear my helmet. (Prolonged\nlaughter)\nThis is really my helmet ----- it used to fit. (Prolonged laughter and\napplause)\nWell, everything's getting a little tight tonight. (Laughter)\nThey're really tightening up security down at the White House. The President\nisn't leaving any lock unturned. I'm told the CIA, the FBI, and the Secret\nService all are trying to identify a mystery man who really has his fingers in\nhigh places\n-----\nthe President's new hairdresser. (Prolonged laughter)\nHe goes by a code name\nThe Lone Arranger. (Prolonged laughter)\nWhy did I ever tell Nat Finney I wanted to be the next Republican Speaker?\nMatching me against Hubert Humphrey for laughs is like putting Twiggy up against\nZsa Zsa Gabor. (Prolonged laughter)\nNat told me how it would go tonight. He said first he'd give a little\ntalk\nand next I'd give a little talk\n-----\nand then the Vice-President\nwould follow.\nI said: \"Who follows the Vice-President?\"\nHe said: \"Hardly anybody.\" (Prolonged laughter and applause)\nIt's good to see so many great political writers here tonight. More and\nmore lately, you gentlemen have been the zipper on the Credibility Gap. (Laughter)\nNow where else in Washington can you bask in the warm glow of good\nfellowship\n-----\nand see Bill Fulbright toast President Johnson's health in\nCharlie DeGaulle's wine? (Prolonged laughter)\n(more)\nGERATO FORD LIBRARY\n-2-\nIt's really tough speaking for the political party that produced one of\nthe wittiest Presidents of all time\n-----\na great Republican who always lightened\nhis burdens with laughter and humor and jokes\nCalvin Coolidge. (Prolonged\nlaughter)\nHistory tells that Governor Coolidge got to the White House by sticking his\nnose into a big city strike. You can see who's been doing his homework lately.\n(Prolonged laughter)\nYou know issues are funny. We had the Missile Gap the Anti-Missile\nGap\nNow\n-----\nthe Garbage Gap. (Laughter)\nThe only question: which smells worse, the strike or the settlement?\n(Laughter)\nYou know, getting rid of something you once needed, but don't want around\nanymore is really a headache ----- even for Presidents.\nAs a matter of fact, Presidents are not always considerate of their\nVice-Presidents.\nRemember when Nixon returned from South America\n-----\nstoned? (Prolonged\nlaughter)\nRemember when Johnson had to fly 26,000 miles for a camel? (Laughter)\nFrankly, if I were Vice-President Humphrey, and just got home from a\nbackbreaking tour of Africa, and the next day my President put a stop to all\nforeign travel (Laughter)\n-----\nWell, I'd lead a pretty good riot myself.\n(Prolonged laughter)\nBut what a full public career Vice-President Humphrey has had ----- just one\nlong struggle against McCarthyism. (Prolonged laughter and applause)\nHe's been birched red by the Old Right\nand rapped brown by the New\nLeft. (Prolonged laughter)\nBut Hubert always comes up smiling. He's really the Pagliacci of politics.\n(Laughter)\nIncidentally, I have a neighbor who's a real 100% Democrat\nthat's\nwhat you get with open housing. (Prolonged laughter)\nHe claims President Johnson is a teabag candidate\n-----\nhis strength comes\nout only when he's in real hot water. (Laughter)\nThere's only one problem.\n-----\nDid you ever try using the same teabag for\nnine years? (Prolonged laughter)\nI know LBJ isn't going to miss a trick. Look how he's going after the\nserviceman's vote. You know, one of Bob McNamara's economy moves was doing away\n(more)\nLIBRAR\nof\n-3-\nwith paper towels in all Pentagon washrooms. Now they've installed those little\nhand drying machines at every military base. On every machine there's a big\nsign: Press this button and you will hear a message from your Commander-in-Chief.\n(Prolonged laughter and applause)\nAll kidding aside, I do hope President Johnson finds time to drop by later.\nNat, has anybody checked to be sure the elevator is working? (Laughter)\nI think the former Attorney General is here\n-----\nat least I saw his\nstand-in. Bobby Kennedy had more foresight than most. He's one guy who got\noff the river boat so fast he got his money back. (Laughter)\nPolitically, Bobby's now at the awkward age.\nHe's too young to be President ----- and he's really too old for that\nhaircut. (Prolonged laughter)\nI sort of sympathize with the Senator from New York. I know there's one\nbig dealer here in town who'd like to send this Ford back to Michigan. (Laughter)\nBut that would be dirty politics at its Nader. (Prolonged laughter)\nRight now though, the President better keep his eyes on Gene McCarthy. Gene\ntalks a lot about principal, but he's a typical Democrat alright. His interest\nrate keeps going higher and higher. (Laughter)\nNow that George Wallace, there's a horse of a different color.\nIn your heart, you know he's white. (Prolonged laughter)\nIf George sneaks off with just a few little ol' electoral votes, we may\nhave to pick the next President in the House of Representatives.\nWhat a parliamentary foul-up! After the election of 1800, the House went\non and on and on for 36 ballots ----- and they didn't even have H. R. Gross.\n(Laughter)\nThe Democrats, as usual, would be divided between LBJ and George Wallace.\nBut you know ----- we Republicans are always united. (Laughter)\n:\nWe'd all rally 'round that great Republican champion: Ronald\nMilhous Percyfeller. (Prolonged laughter)\nOur Republican drag race is still exciting, even with our Michigan Rambler\nscratched.\nThere's Nelson Rockefeller. He still won't volunteer\n.....\nbut last week\nhe installed a hot line to his draft board. (Laughter)\nNelson is the best man to save the American dollar ----- it's a family\nhabit. (Laughter) After all, Governor Rockefeller is the only taxpayer who\ncan balance the Federal budget with his Mad Money. (Laughter)\n(more)\nPERALD FORD UBRARY\n-4-\nDick Nixon doesn't have to stay in politics for the money, either. Only\nlast week the Schick Razor Company offered him Two Million Dollars just to do a\nshaving commercial (Laughter) for Gillette. (Prolonged laughter) Dick's\nthe only candidate who gets Five O'Clock Shadow on the \"Today\" Show. (Prolonged\nlaughter)\nOh,\nthen there's Pistol Packin' Percy. Chuck's the one who went to\nVietnam and nearly shot his own brainwasher. (Prolonged laughter and applause)\nAnd Governor Reagan, he says he isn't running for President either. I\nbelieve him\neven if his door chimes do play \"Hail To The Chief.\" (Laughter)\nLet's not forget Harold Stassen wouldn't it be great if we could? (Laughter)\nHarold isn't the youngest candidate anymore, but I guess you'd have to say he's\nthe most WIGerous. (Prolonged laughter)\nOf course, you can't blame anyone for trying.\nHenry Clay always said he'd rather be right than President.\nNow President Johnson has proved once and for all\nit really is a\nchoice. (Prolonged laughter)\nYou know, I nearly didn't get here on time tonight. When I heard it was\nto be a bi-partisan affair, I went straight to the President's Club.\nIsn't that where you go to Buy Partisans? (Laughter)\n:Of course, partisanship has to stop somewhere. The things that unite us as\nAmericans are far more enduring than the things that divide us\nand one of\nthese is our national sense of humor.\nThe Gridiron Club nourishes this great tradition As the campaign gets\nhotter, let's all remember to singe but never to burn\nthat not just the\nhippies, but all of us, would lots rather make love than war\nthat both\nDemocrats and Republicans are striving together to create a more perfect Union,\nwith liberty and justice for all.\nLets\nremember it so only\nOur unwritten compact of respect for the convictions of others and faith in\nwhich\nthe decency of others, allows Americans the luxury of rugged political competition.\n1\nLet's all work to banish war from our shrinking world and hate from our expanding\nhearts\nto make this whole planet as full of friendship and felicity as this\nroom tonight. 2 saith FT blubest\nIn this spirit, let me assure the distinguished Vice-President of the United\nthe Garden andund\nStates, before all of you, that I have absolutely no designs on his job.\n(Laughter) on To may of I meant it.\nwent\nHow many others in this room can make that statement? (Prolonged laughter\n(more)\nLIBRARY\n-5-\nI'm serious. I'm not at all interested in the Vice-Presidency.\nI love the House of Representatives, despite the long, irregular hours.\nSometimes, though, when it's late and I'm tired and hungry\non that\nthe w butt home at\nlong drive home to Alexandria ----- as I go past 1 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, I\ndo seem to hear a little voice saying:\n\"If you lived here, you'd be home now.\" (Prolonged laughter and applause)\n# # #\nFORD & LIBRARY DERALD\nPresident Roth, members and guests of the Gridiron, thank you\non behalf of the President of the United States for your traditional\nsalute.\nMany of you have probably been telling your readers how I spent\nmy first two days as Vice President - presiding over the Senate, calling\nupon the President, and trying to pack up my belongings at the office\nfor a two-way transfer to the Executive Office Building and the other\nside of the Capitol.\nActually all that is just a clever cover story my Press Secretary,\nPaul Miltich, was instructed to put out. What I have really been doing\never since the Joint Session adjourned Thursday night is taking phone\ncalls from ladies of the press demanding that I boycott this male chauvinist\naffair.\nThere were times when I was almost persuaded by these lovely ladies\nthat the political thing to do would be to cancel. They were very per-\nsuasive. But then I remembered that Bella Abzug and Elizabeth Holtzman\nFORD, i LIBRARY GERALD\n-2-\nwere only able to sway 35 votes and decided to take the courageous course\nand come.\nThis morning I went down to take my first look at the Vice President's\noffice in the Executive Office Building. It is very handsome and spacious\nBut I was a little disappointed to find that they had removed all of the\npersonal reminders of my predecessors: Spiro Agnew's practice tennis court;\nHubert Humphrey's jumbo sized dictating machine; Lyndon Johnson's Neiman\nMarcus furniture; Richard Nixon's Anthology of Great Debates; and Harry\nTruman's desk plate reading \"The buck stops over there.\"\nNearly six years ago, the last time I had the honor of addressing\nthis distinguished Club, the Vice President of the United States spoke\nfor the Democrats and I spoke for the Republicans. I made a lot of fun\nof the Vice Presidency on that occasion and I want to say here and now\n\"Hubert, it was all in fun. I didn't mean a word of it.\" The distinguished\nSenator from Minnesota has been gracious and helpful as always in helping\nme both publicly and privately in assuming my new responsibilities and I\nam deeply grateful.\n-3-\nBut I can't think of any better way to conclude this gathering\nthan to repeat my closing words from that 1968 Gridiron dinner. They\ncertainly show how little any of us know what tomorrow will bring. But\nthey also express the feelings about our political system which Jerry\nFord held then which the same Jerry Ford holds now. In that speech, I\nsaid:\n\"The things that unite us as Americans are far more enduring than\nthe things that divide us -- and one of these is our national sense of\nhumor. The Gridiron Club nourishes this great tradition. Let's all\nremember to singe but never to burn\nthat all of us would lots rather\nmake love than war\nthat both Democrats and Republicans are striving\ntogether to create a more perfect Union, with liberty and justice for all.\n\"Our unwritten compact of respect for the convictions of others and\nfaith in the decency of others, allows Americans the luxury of rugged\npolitical competition. Let's all work to banish war from our shrinking\nworld and hate from our expanding hearts -- to make this whole planet as\nfull of friendship and felicity as this room tonight.\nFORD is LIBRARY GERALD\n-4-\n\"In this spirit, let me assure the distinguished Vice President of\nthe United States, before all of you, that I have absolutely no designs on\nhis job.\n\"How many others in this room can make that statement?\n\"I'm serious. I'm not at all interested in the Vice Presidency.\n\"I love the House of Representatives, despite the long, irregular\nhours.\n\"Sometimes, though, when it's late and I'm tired and hungry - on\nthat long drive home to Alexandria -- as I go past 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue,\nI do seem to hear a little voice saying:\n\"If you lived here, you'd be home now.'\"\n# # #\nOFF-THE-RECORD REMARKS\nOF REP. GERALD R. FORD (R-MICH.)\nMINORITY LEADER OF THE U.S. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES\nAT THE ANNUAL DINNER OF\nTHE GRIDIRON CLUB OF WASHINGTON D.C.\nMARCH 9, 1968\nMr. Vice-President, Mr. President Finney,\nGentlemen of the Gridiron, and Deductible Guests. (Laughter)\nWhat the President calls us in public\nWooden Soldiers\nis nothing\ncompared to what he calls us in private. (Laughter)\nLet me tell you a little inside story. I've heard that President Johnson\ntells his visitors: \"There's nothing wrong with Jerry Ford except he played\nfootball too long (Laughter)\nwithout a helmet. (Laughter)\nNow I don't mind a little joke. But like so many other things you hear\nnowadays, that just isn't true. (Laughter)\nAnd I can prove it. On the Gridiron, I always wear my helmet. (Prolonged\nlaughter)\nThis is really my helmet\n-----\nit used to fit. (Prolonged laughter and\napplause)\nWell, everything's getting a little tight tonight. (Laughter)\nThey're really tightening up security down at the White House. The President\nisn't leaving any lock unturned. I'm told the CIA, the FBI, and the Secret\nService all are trying to identify a mystery man who really has his fingers in\nhigh places ----- the President's new hairdresser. (Prolonged laughter)\nHe goes by a code name The Lone Arranger. (Prolonged laughter)\nWhy did I ever tell Nat Finney I wanted to be the next Republican Speaker?\nMatching me against Hubert Humphrey for laughs is like putting Twiggy up against\nZsa Zsa Gabor. (Prolonged laughter)\nNat told me now it would go tonight. He said first he'd give a little\ntalk and next I'd give a little talk and then the Vice-President\nwould follow.\nI said: \"Who follows the Vice-President?\"\nHe said: 'Hardly anybody. (Prolonged laughter and applause)\nIt's good to see so many great political writers here tonight. More and\nmore lately, you gentlemen have been the zipper on the Credibility Gap. (Laughter)\nNow where else in Washington can you bask in the warm glow of good\nfellowship\n----- and see Bill Fulbright toast President Johnson's health in\nCharlie DeGaulle's wine? (Prolonged laughter)\n(more) R.FORD LIBRARY\n-2-\nIt's really tough speaking for the political party that produced one of\nthe wittiest Presidents of all time\na great Republican who always lightened\nhis burdens with laughter and humor and jokes\nCalvin Coolidge. (Prolonged\nlaughter)\nHistory tells that Governor Coolidge got to the White House by sticking his\nnose into a big city strike. You can see who's been doing his homework lately.\n(Prolonged laughter)\nYou know issues are funny. We had the Missile Gap\nthe Anti-Missile\nGap\nNow\nthe Garbage Gap. (Laughter)\nThe only question: which smells worse, the strike or the settlement?\n(Laughter)\nYou know, getting rid of something you once needed, but don't want around\nanymore is really a headache even for Presidents.\nAs a matter of fact, Presidents are not always considerate of their\nVice-Presidents.\nRemember when Nixon returned from South America\nstoned? (Prolonged\nlaughter)\nRemember when Johnson had to fly 26,000 miles\nfor a camel? (Laughter)\nFrankly, if I were Vice-President Humphrey, and just got home from a\nbackbreaking tour of Africa, and the next day my President put a stop to all\nforeign travel (Laughter)\nWell, I'd lead a pretty good riot myself.\n(Prolonged laughter)\nBut what a full public career Vice-President Humphrey has had\njust one\nlong struggle against McCarthyism. (Prolonged laughter and applause)\nHe's been birched red by the Old Right\nand rapped brown by the New\nLeft. (Prolonged laughter)\nBut Hubert always comes up smiling. He's really the Pagliacci of politics.\n(Laughter)\nIncidentally, I have a neighbor who's a real 100% Democrat\nthat's\nwhat you get with open housing. (Prolonged laughter)\nHe claims President Johnson is a teabag candidate\nhis strength comes\nout only when he's in real hot water. (Laughter)\nThere's only one problem.\nDid you ever try using the same teabag for\nnine years? (Prolonged laughter)\nI know LBJ isn't going to miss a trick. Look how he's going after the\nserviceman's vote. You know, one of Bob McNamara's economy moves was doing away\n(more)\n-3-\nwith paper towels in all Pentagon washrooms. Now they've installed those little\nhand drying machines at every military base. On every machine there's a big\nsign: Press this button and you will hear a message from your Commander-in-Chief.\n(Prolonged laughter and applause)\nAll kidding aside, I do hope President Johnson finds time to drop by later.\nNat, has anybody checked to be sure the elevator is working? (Laughter)\nI think the former Attorney General is here\nat least I saw his\nstand-in. Bobby Kennedy had more foresight than most. He's one guy who got\noff the river boat so fast he got his money back. (Laughter)\nPolitically, Bobby's now at the awkward age.\nHe's too young to be President\nand he's really too old for that\nhaircut. (Prolonged laughter)\nI sort of sympathize with the Senator from New York. I know there's one\nbig dealer here in town who'd like to send this Ford back to Michigan. (Laughter)\nBut that would be dirty politics at its Nader. (Prolonged laughter)\nRight now though, the President better keep his eyes on Gene McCarthy. Gene\ntalks a lot about principal, but he's a typical Democrat alright. His interest\nrate keeps going higher and higher. (Laughter)\nNow that George Wallace, there's a horse of a different color.\nIn your heart, you know he's white. (Prolonged laughter)\nIf George sneaks off with just a few little ol' electoral votes, we may\nhave to pick the next President in the House of Representatives.\nWhat a parliamentary foul-up! After the election of 1800, the House went\non and on and on for 36 ballots\nand they didn't even have H. R. Gross.\n(Laughter)\nThe Democrats, as usual, would be divided between LBJ and George Wallace.\nBut you know\nwe Republicans are always united. (Laughter)\nWe'd all rally 'round that great Republican champion: Ronald\nMilhous\nPercyfeller. (Prolonged laughter)\nOur Republican drag race is still exciting, even with our Michigan Rambler\nscratched.\nThere's Nelson Rockefeller. He still won't volunteer\nbut last week\nhe installed a hot line to his draft board. (Laughter)\nNelson is the best man to save the American dollar\nit's a family\nhabit. (Laughter) After all, Governor Rockefeller is the only taxpayer who\ncan balance the Federal budget with his Mad Money. (Laughter)\n(more)\n-4-\nDick Nixon doesn't have to stay in politics for the money, either. Only\nlast week the Schick Razor Company offered him Two Million Dollars just to do a\nshaving commercial (Laughter) for Gillette. (Prolonged laughter) Dick's\nthe only candidate who gets Five O'Clock Shadow on the \"Today\" Show. (Prolonged\nlaughter)\nOh,\nthen there's Pistol Packin' Percy. Chuck's the one who went to\nVietnam and nearly shot his own brainwasher. (Prolonged laughter and applause)\nAnd Governor Reagan, he says he isn't running for President either. I\nbelieve him\neven if his door chimes do play \"Hail To The Chief.\" (Laughter)\nLet's not forget Harold Stassen wouldn't it be great if we could? (Laughter)\nHarold isn't the youngest candidate anymore, but I guess you'd have to say he's\nthe most WIGerous. (Prolonged laughter)\nOf course, you can't blame anyone for trying.\nHenry Clay always said he'd rather be right than President.\nNow President Johnson has proved once and for all\nit really is a\nchoice. (Prolonged laughter)\nYou know, I nearly didn't get here on time tonight. When I heard it was\nto be a bi-partisan affair, I went straight to the President's Club.\nIsn't that where you go to Buy Partisans? (Laughter)\nOf course, partisanship has to stop somewhere. The things that unite us as\nAmericans are far more enduring than the things that divide us\nand one of\nthese is our national sense of humor.\nThe Gridiron Club nourishes this great tradition. As the campaign gets\nhotter, let's all remember to singe but never to burn\nthat not just the\nhippies, but all of us, would lots rather make love than war\nthat both\nDemocrats and Republicans are striving together to create a more perfect Union,\nwith liberty and justice for all.\nOur unwritten compact of respect for the convictions of others and faith in\nthe decency of others, allows Americans the luxury of rugged political competition.\nLet's all work to banish war from our shrinking world and hate from our expanding\nhearts\nto make this whole planet as full of friendship and felicity as this\nroom tonight.\nIn this spirit, let me assure the distinguished Vice-President of the United\nStates, before all of you, that I have absolutely no designs on his job.\n(Laughter)\nHow many others in this room can make that statement? (Prolonged laughter)\n(more)\n-5-\nI'm serious. I'm not at all interested in the Vice-Presidency.\nI love the House of Representatives, despite the long, irregular hours.\nSometimes, though, when it's late and I'm tired and hungry on that\nlong drive home to Alexandria\nas I go past 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, I\ndo seem to hear a little voice saying:\n\"If you lived here, you'd be home now.\" (Prolonged laughter and applause)\n###"
}