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other fields of endeavor, must do all he can to provide Madison cultural Bureaucrats 1 persuaded my fellow ministers that the over- Avenue with the one intellectual weapon that can win the battle all effects of the low prices were detrimental to US all and could be for freedom. He must sponsor a five-word message and make sure alleviated with some shrewdness. Thus we have agreed to share the that it gets through to his prospective consumer, the ad man -- who world market. is also his prospective ally: man is a rational animal. Each country's quota will be easily fixed by having survey teams Such is our main hope for a modern day Battle of Saratoga." (composed of one member from every Latin American country) inter- KERRY THORNLEY Kery Thanky view all coffee drinkers in the world; determine the number of cups of coffee consumed a year; multiply these by the number of beans per cup; divide that total by the number of eegrowers concerned THE BEAN BURNERS VERSUS THE BAW OF SUPPLY AND DEMAND -- hence giving a fair share to each of US. As soon as these quotas are determined, the plan will go into immediate effect. September 12, 1968 - Sao Paulo, Brazil The following letters were discovered in the rubble of the president of Brazil's executive offices. It's my pleasure to serve you in the public interest. It is hoped that these documents, which date back over the last 30 Your humble servant, years, will illuminate the cause for the president's murder, yester- Pedro Lopez day, by a mob of howling coffee growers. III - From the Chief of the Bureau of Agriculture, Ricardo Nogales, From the Chief of the Bureau of Agriculture, Jose Gonzales, to the Honorable President of Brazil to the Honorable President of Brazil Senor President, Senor President, In deference to the late chief of this bureau I'll concede it was Having graciously allowed me three days to determine the cause of difficult to predict that Alaskans would begin grawing coffee beans the disasterous decline in the world price of coffee, you will be in greenhouses, and that other wicked countries would conspire gratified to know your confidence in me was not misplaced. against US and our Latin brothers to produce coffee. However, as you explained to him before his execution the public interest cannot After an exhaustive study I have discovered the coffee grow- tolerate excuses. ers themselves have intentionally initiated this crises by yearly in- creasing their production. They alone are not to blame, however; As we had hoped that august body, the United Nations has recog- an international conspiracy of capitalist manufacturers of insect- nized the injustice of our present situation and ratified a pact which icides and mechanized farm equipment has consistently encouraged will provide for setting coffee quotas and prices. Let me immed- them. assure you that as I have secured an appointment to the com- mission that will allocate production, Brazil will have her fair share. Because of their activities it is now necessary to the public interest (The expenses involved in acquiring the appointment are itemized in to put restrictions on the number of beans exported in order to re- an enclosed statement.) establish the world price at a level most profitable to US. My staff is furiously at work on a massive study of the relationship of the The terms of the pact state that the world agreement will go into number of exported beans to the world market price since the Greek effect when twenty exporting and twelve importing nations sign. Trade in 400 B. C. The most advantageous relationship will be dis- I have already foreseen the possibility that two non-signatory nations patched to you within the day. might make a transaction below the controlled price level and am pressing for a Bean Patrol stationed in all ports to check beans for However, sir, after speaking with several of these greedy growers I the UN stamp/ of approval. fear they are not sufficiently patriotic to voluntarily reduce their production, despite the fact that their actions are the cause of our At last El President the end of our problems. They can't grow most pressing problem, namely, the loss of net taxable income and coffee on the moon. Your humble servant, consequently of some of the government's best humanitarian projects. Ricardo Nogales Therefore it is essential to establish internal quotas. -IV- - In the meantime I suggest you authorize the hiring of a bean count- From the Chief of the Bureau of Agriculture, Ricardo Nogales, ing brigade to staff each port of exit and carefully count the depart- to the Honorable President of Brazil ing beans -- thus foiling any attempt to circumvent these prudent measures. Senor President, Naturally it will be necessary to stop the importation of insecticides As you read this I shall be on my way to seek asylum in a non-coffee and farm machinery. producing country. No doubt you've read in the papers that my plea before the general assembly was in vain. Although I exposed Finally, after the quotas are established I suggest you declare a nat- the evil effects on the world market price which the imperialist ional bean burning fete at which time the current surpluses could be synthetic coffee producers are creating by selling synthetic coffee rendered as a burnt offering to our benign president. at one-quarter the price of natural coffee, although I minutely Your humble servant, described the threat to our national wealth, health, and sense of Jose Gonzales smell caused by the coffee beans rotting on the trees, in the ware- houses and on ships in port, my solution i. e. to prosecute for trea- - Il son against mankind all scientists and manufacturers who are parties From the Chief of the Bureau of Agriculture, Pedro Lopez, to marketing synthetic coffee, was met with embarrassed silenced. to the Honorable President of Brazil When pressed, the delegate from the United States, without whose Senor President, support we are doomed, mumbled something about ninety percent of their voters being coffee drinkers and fed up with high prices. Because of the miserable short-sightedness of my recently deceased predecessor his plan has failed. I can only wonder how a man so How unenlightened! How selfish! How detrimental to the good of long in political employ could fail to recognize the pernicious nat- all mankind, and of course to my continuance in this position. It ure of man. Given this, a novice could have foretold that the may be of some comfort to know that I shall devote my voluntary covetous coffee growers in the rest of Latin America would h ve exile to studying the reasons for our constant failure. Hopefully taken advantage of our keeping the world market price high and I can discover some principles on which we can institute a new gov- expanded their production, hence making the world price plummet. ernment program to further our noble cause. Your humble servant, Fortunately at the last Latin Conference of the Brotherhood of Agri- CARA LEACH Ricardo Nogales 1-10

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    "ocrText": "other fields of endeavor, must do all he can to provide Madison\ncultural Bureaucrats 1 persuaded my fellow ministers that the over-\nAvenue with the one intellectual weapon that can win the battle\nall effects of the low prices were detrimental to US all and could be\nfor freedom. He must sponsor a five-word message and make sure\nalleviated with some shrewdness. Thus we have agreed to share the\nthat it gets through to his prospective consumer, the ad man -- who\nworld market.\nis also his prospective ally: man is a rational animal.\nEach country's quota will be easily fixed by having survey teams\nSuch is our main hope for a modern day Battle of Saratoga.\"\n(composed of one member from every Latin American country) inter-\nKERRY THORNLEY\nKery Thanky\nview all coffee drinkers in the world; determine the number of cups\nof coffee consumed a year; multiply these by the number of beans\nper cup; divide that total by the number of eegrowers concerned\nTHE BEAN BURNERS VERSUS THE BAW OF SUPPLY AND DEMAND\n-- hence giving a fair share to each of US. As soon as these quotas\nare determined, the plan will go into immediate effect.\nSeptember 12, 1968 - Sao Paulo, Brazil The following letters were\ndiscovered in the rubble of the president of Brazil's executive offices.\nIt's my pleasure to serve you in the public interest.\nIt is hoped that these documents, which date back over the last 30\nYour humble servant,\nyears, will illuminate the cause for the president's murder, yester-\nPedro Lopez\nday, by a mob of howling coffee growers.\nIII -\nFrom the Chief of the Bureau of Agriculture, Ricardo Nogales,\nFrom the Chief of the Bureau of Agriculture, Jose Gonzales,\nto the Honorable President of Brazil\nto the Honorable President of Brazil\nSenor President,\nSenor President,\nIn deference to the late chief of this bureau I'll concede it was\nHaving graciously allowed me three days to determine the cause of\ndifficult to predict that Alaskans would begin grawing coffee beans\nthe disasterous decline in the world price of coffee, you will be\nin greenhouses, and that other wicked countries would conspire\ngratified to know your confidence in me was not misplaced.\nagainst US and our Latin brothers to produce coffee. However, as\nyou explained to him before his execution the public interest cannot\nAfter an exhaustive study I have discovered the coffee grow-\ntolerate excuses.\ners themselves have intentionally initiated this crises by yearly in-\ncreasing their production. They alone are not to blame, however;\nAs we had hoped that august body, the United Nations has recog-\nan international conspiracy of capitalist manufacturers of insect-\nnized the injustice of our present situation and ratified a pact which\nicides and mechanized farm equipment has consistently encouraged\nwill provide for setting coffee quotas and prices. Let me immed-\nthem.\nassure you that as I have secured an appointment to the com-\nmission that will allocate production, Brazil will have her fair share.\nBecause of their activities it is now necessary to the public interest\n(The expenses involved in acquiring the appointment are itemized in\nto put restrictions on the number of beans exported in order to re-\nan enclosed statement.)\nestablish the world price at a level most profitable to US. My staff\nis furiously at work on a massive study of the relationship of the\nThe terms of the pact state that the world agreement will go into\nnumber of exported beans to the world market price since the Greek\neffect when twenty exporting and twelve importing nations sign.\nTrade in 400 B. C. The most advantageous relationship will be dis-\nI have already foreseen the possibility that two non-signatory nations\npatched to you within the day.\nmight make a transaction below the controlled price level and am\npressing for a Bean Patrol stationed in all ports to check beans for\nHowever, sir, after speaking with several of these greedy growers I\nthe UN stamp/ of approval.\nfear they are not sufficiently patriotic to voluntarily reduce their\nproduction, despite the fact that their actions are the cause of our\nAt last El President\nthe end of our problems. They can't grow\nmost pressing problem, namely, the loss of net taxable income and\ncoffee on the moon.\nYour humble servant,\nconsequently of some of the government's best humanitarian projects.\nRicardo Nogales\nTherefore it is essential to establish internal quotas.\n-IV- -\nIn the meantime I suggest you authorize the hiring of a bean count-\nFrom the Chief of the Bureau of Agriculture, Ricardo Nogales,\ning brigade to staff each port of exit and carefully count the depart-\nto the Honorable President of Brazil\ning beans -- thus foiling any attempt to circumvent these prudent\nmeasures.\nSenor President,\nNaturally it will be necessary to stop the importation of insecticides\nAs you read this I shall be on my way to seek asylum in a non-coffee\nand farm machinery.\nproducing country. No doubt you've read in the papers that my\nplea before the general assembly was in vain. Although I exposed\nFinally, after the quotas are established I suggest you declare a nat-\nthe evil effects on the world market price which the imperialist\nional bean burning fete at which time the current surpluses could be\nsynthetic coffee producers are creating by selling synthetic coffee\nrendered as a burnt offering to our benign president.\nat one-quarter the price of natural coffee, although I minutely\nYour humble servant,\ndescribed the threat to our national wealth, health, and sense of\nJose Gonzales\nsmell caused by the coffee beans rotting on the trees, in the ware-\nhouses and on ships in port, my solution i. e. to prosecute for trea-\n- Il\nson against mankind all scientists and manufacturers who are parties\nFrom the Chief of the Bureau of Agriculture, Pedro Lopez,\nto marketing synthetic coffee, was met with embarrassed silenced.\nto the Honorable President of Brazil\nWhen pressed, the delegate from the United States, without whose\nSenor President,\nsupport we are doomed, mumbled something about ninety percent of\ntheir voters being coffee drinkers and fed up with high prices.\nBecause of the miserable short-sightedness of my recently deceased\npredecessor his plan has failed. I can only wonder how a man so\nHow unenlightened! How selfish! How detrimental to the good of\nlong in political employ could fail to recognize the pernicious nat-\nall mankind, and of course to my continuance in this position. It\nure of man. Given this, a novice could have foretold that the\nmay be of some comfort to know that I shall devote my voluntary\ncovetous coffee growers in the rest of Latin America would h ve\nexile to studying the reasons for our constant failure. Hopefully\ntaken advantage of our keeping the world market price high and\nI can discover some principles on which we can institute a new gov-\nexpanded their production, hence making the world price plummet.\nernment program to further our noble cause.\nYour humble servant,\nFortunately at the last Latin Conference of the Brotherhood of Agri-\nCARA LEACH\nRicardo Nogales\n1-10"
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